Thank you so much for the awesome response to the last chapter :D A special thanks goes out to Genny and Hermione Granger (thank you, I will neither confirm or deny your theory at this point in time ;))
I hope you enjoy the coming chapter and forgive any of my stupid mistakes :D
There's a little more Khuzdul in this one (I'm going a little crazy for it, sorry!)
Iklifumun mê – curse you
Shaikul – cowardly
Read, enjoy, review!
Chapter Ninety Six # Secrets #
Nori kicked off his boots and sank back into his own armchair in his own room in his own quarters. Mahal, it was nice to have a place all of his own. "So, what was so important you have to talk to me alone about it? Have you finally realised that you want to join the dark side?"
"Nori, listen," Dori said, and his voice shook.
Scowling, Nori sat up and reached for his shoes. He knew that tone. "Oh, for the love of... I've just arrived, dammit Dori! If you want to lecture me you can-"
"Sit down, Nori," snapped his brother. "Just, sit down! I don't want to lecture you! I don't…"
"Then what?"
"It's… It's about… Nori, it's about Nina."
Nori's eyes narrowed. "What about Nina?"
"She… Nori, she's dead."
Nori blinked.
What?
Nina?
Dead?
No, it was not possible. Nori leapt to his feet. "No… Dori, this is not funny, you sick son of a-"
"You think I would like to you about this?" Dori choked, shoving Nori's chest. "She was mine too, Nori! But she's dead, she's gone!"
"You're lying!" Nori cried, and suddenly he was a child again, screaming that Dori was wrong, he was lying, because their mother was not dead, she could not be dead. His head began to spin and he gasped for air. "Dori?"
"I'm so sorry, Nori," Dori put his hand on Nori's shoulder. "Nori, I'm sorry…"
"No, go away!" he yelled, covering his ears and shutting his eyes and curling up beneath the bed. "Leave me alone!"
If he hid here, if he hid far enough beneath the bed Ori's Adad could not reach him. If he hid out of reach he could not be beaten again. He should not be beaten again – Hod had said it was over when the belt broke, but now the door was opened and there were footsteps coming towards him.
Nori screamed bloody murder as a pair of hands seized his legs and began to pull him out from beneath the bed. He kicked and fought with all his strength, thrusting his feet against the person's face and smacking his aching wrist against the bed.
"Ow! Mahal, Nori, calm down, it's me! It's Nina, khuzdith, it's Nina!"
Nina?
Nori screamed and began desperately clawing his way back beneath the bed. He had kicked Nina, and now that his Amad was gone she was the only adult he had on his side and if she turned against him –
With one swift tug, Nina slid him out into the open and Nori cried out, scrambling towards the door. Before he could escape, she wrapped her arms around him and held him close.
"Hush now, Nori, hush now, it's over," she whispered. "It's alright, I've got you now."
"I'm… I'm sorry!" he howled. "Please, please don't!"
"Nori, I'm not going to hurt you!" she said, running her hand through his tangled hair. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."
Nori froze, turning his tear and snot stained face towards her. "But… but I kicked you? You're bleeding!"
"Just a bloody nose," she nodded, seemingly uncaring. "But it's alright. You're frightened. I understand."
"Nina… Nina I was bad," Nori trembled. "I took… I took an apple, from the marketplace. Just one, just one and I was really hungry but I wasn't supposed to and I got caught and they, they told Hod and he was angry and I was very, very bad!"
"Nori, madtith, why did you take an apple?"
"I was hungry," he admitted miserably.
"Nori, has Hod been feeding you?"
Nori shook his head. "He… he gives Ori some food, but he says I'm not his son. So he doesn' care. And Dori sometimes gets food because he cleans the house and he shares it with me but I'm still hungry."
Nina gently stood Nori up and put her hands on his shoulders. "I want you to listen to me, alright Nori?"
He nodded, sniffing.
"No matter what you do, no matter how bad you are, I will never, ever hit you. I promise. Whatever you do, you can tell me. I can't promise I won't be angry, but I promise I won't hit you and I won't starve you. In return, will you promise me something?"
Nori nodded once more.
"Don't lie to me, alright? You must always tell me the truth, so that I can help you. Do you promise?"
"I promise, Nina," he whispered, wrapping his skinny arms around her neck.
"Good boy," Nina murmured, standing up. "Let's get out of here, shall we?"
"Where're we going?" Nori wiped his nose on his sleeve.
"To find your brothers," she said. "And then to the Blue Mountains to see my sister."
"Alright," Nori breathed, dropping his head onto her shoulder.
And then, for the first time since his mother had been stolen from him by a freak accident, Nori felt safe.
It had been decades later that Nori learnt the full story. His mother and Nina had been oblivious to Ori's father's mistreatment of Nori, though they knew that the pair did not get along. The very day Nina discovered that her late friend's lover had been beating Nori she had gone straight to Dori, who was by now in his sixties, and urged him to leave for the Blue Mountains.
He agreed, they left Hod behind, and the rest, as they say, was history.
"Nina…" Nori whispered. "Dead?"
"Last week," Dori nodded, shaking the tears off of his nose.
Nori's knees collapsed beneath him but he did not aim for the chair. He let himself crumple to the floor, he let himself crash against the stone tiles. Nina, his guardian angel, his saving grace, was dead.
Dead.
"Was it… did she suffer?" he rasped. He had to know, he had to.
"An infection seized hold of her. She fought for three days…"
"So she suffered." Nori turned his head away.
He was wrong. He did not have to know.
The pain was seizing his body now. It was starting from his heart and ratcheting through his every limb. And it was too much, too much to deal with, too much, too much!
"Nori," Dori whispered, crouching down and rubbing his back as the younger brother began to draw in deep, hitching breaths. "Oh, Nori…"
"Don't, Dori!" Nori snapped, springing to his feet. The pain in Dori's eyes hurt him, it did, but he could not deal with his brother right now. Nina had been the one to save him. Dori had just stood by.
Nori thought he had forgiven his brother, but now that Nina was gone…
"Just… just leave me, Dori," he shook his head and ran out of the room.
He needed to disappear.
Nori raced down the hall and narrowly avoided a servant with a cart full of food. He lost his footing and fell to the floor.
"My Lord-"
"Don't touch me!" Nori roared, losing the war against the emotions ravaging his body. "Just, leave me be!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," the flustered servant backed away, running with the cart to a door that was opening slowly.
Nori clambered to his feet in time to see a familiar, tiny face staring at him in confusion.
Nori ran.
"Nori!"
He ignored Nelly's confused cry and ran faster, dashing the blinding tears from his eyes. Nori needed to be alone, he needed to disappear. He did not need a little hobbit hanging around his neck.
"Nori!"
For the love of Mahal, was she chasing him? Well, he would lose her. He had lost the king's own guard before.
He ducked into a nearby tunnel and took a serious of unpredictable turns until he could not hear her footsteps, and then he sank down against the wall. Dori would scold him, call him selfish, but Nori did not care.
He was hurting, he was grieving. He needed to be alone.
"Nori?"
"Iklifumun mê, Nelly, can't you just leave me alone?" he thundered, his raging emotions dulling the blade of guilt before it could pierce his heart. "Get out of here, go!"
The girl recoiled, but stayed in place. "Nori, what's wrong?"
"None of your business! I said scram, girl, I mean it!"
Instead, she took a step towards him. "Did somebody hurt you?"
"Oh, for the love of – get the hell away from me! I don't want you here, what part of that doesn't get through your skull?"
Nelly's face fell and she swallowed, but then she started walking towards him again. "I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright."
Growling, Nori struck out with his hand. "Back off, damn it!"
"Are you going to hit me, Nori?" Nelly said, staring right at him.
"I will if you don't back off! I'm warning you, Nelly, you stay away!"
"I want to help you-"
"Then leave!"
"No!"
She was still coming closer. Why the hell was she still walking closer?
"Nelly, you stupid little thing, leave me alone! You strangle me all day and all night, just give me a damn moment's peace!"
There were tears in her eyes now, she was taking this hard, but she would not stop walking towards him.
"Back off!" Nori snarled as she came within an arms' reach.
She put her hand out. "Nori-"
"I said back off!" he roared, thrusting the heel of his hand into her chest.
His heart stopped as the child screamed and flew through the air, landing with a sickening thump on the cold, stone floor.
Nori's heart clenched.
Oh, Mahal, what had he done?
The red-hot anger and anguish was chilled by the presence of icy fear, because he knew what would happen now.
Nelly would be scared of him. She would get up with injured eyes and at best a bruised chest and she would run back to her parents. Maybe she would get lost on the way, maybe she would tell and maybe she would not, but she would never again look at the lowlife thief with wondrous eyes. She would cower from him, hide from him, and as much as he wanted to be alone, that was the last thing Nori wanted.
He shakily got to his feet, panting as Nelly propped herself up. She was crying, of course she was crying.
"I… I…" Nori shook his head, more afraid than he had ever been in his life.
He had hit a child. He had hit a child. He had hit a child.
"I… I'm so sorry!" he gasped, and then he turned and fled.
He only got through two halls before his shaking knees gave out and he curled up into a ball as if he was the one who had taken a beating, as if he was the victim.
What had he done? What had he done?
Mahal, he was as bad as Hod! He was just as cruel, as despicable – and of all of them, of every child in the world that he could have struck (and this was not a nightmare, he had hurt a child, he had hurt a child) it had to be Nelly.
A raw, shaking moan tore right of from his heart and Nori clenched his teeth together, digging his nails into his palms.
And then two shaking, tiny arms wrapped around him.
"It's alright, Nori," Nelly hiccupped. "It's going to be fine."
He looked up and she flinched at the quick movement. "Nelly… Nelly you need to get away, I could… I could…"
"Hit me again?" Nelly whispered.
"I'm so sorry," he closed his eyes.
"It was an accident, though."
His eyes flew open. "What?"
"You didn't mean to," Nelly said, sounding so sure. "You were angry, I kept pushing you but it's alright-"
"No, no, it's not alright!" Nori cried, scrambling away out of his grasp. "No, you have to hate me now, Nelly! You can't fall for it, you can't… Even if I was furious that's no excuse I… No, you can't forgive me, Nelly, you can't!"
She looked puzzled. "But… I already did?"
"No, I could hurt you again, you stay away from me, you hear? You're a good girl, you shouldn't get hurt!"
"No," Nelly shook her head firmly. "That's not going to happen. I'm here to make it better."
"Nelly-"
"Nori, I'm not going anywhere, not even if you… not even if you bash my head against the wall until my brains come out! So you're stuck with me, alright?!"
Nori tried to speak, but it came out as a sob. Tiptoeing forward once more, Nelly wrapped her arms around herself.
"Nori?"
Nori shook his head. "I didn't… I didn't want to hurt you, I…"
"I know," she whispered, and there were so many tears dribbling down her cheeks that Nori was half sure she would drown. "We're going to be alright now, Nori. I promise."
With a broken sob, Nori reached out and tentatively put his hand on Nelly's shoulder. "I'm so sorry…"
"I forgive you," she replied immediately, locking her arms around his neck and snuggling down to hug him.
And Nori cried.
Eventually his sobs were replaced by sniffs, and shame and guilt flooded his heart, warring for space with grief and pain. All the while Nelly held him, humming beneath her breath and whispering bits of childish nonsense that somehow seemed to bleed away a little of the pain.
And then Nori took a deep breath.
"Nelly, I'm so sorry."
"It's alright, Nori."
"No, it isn't," he said firmly, pulling away and making her look at him. "I need you to promise me something. If anyone, anyone ever hits you like that you tell an adult and you stay away from them. It doesn't matter who it is. Doesn't matter if it's me or your parents or… hell, even Thorin! Alright?"
"I promise," Nelly replied, stroking his beard gently.
"You asked me in Rivendell… why I never speak about myself… I snapped at you then too, and I'm sorry…"
"It's alright…"
"No, it isn't," Nori interrupted again, settling her onto his knee and wiping his eyes. "There is… There was a woman who I loved like a mother. She looked after me and my brothers; she was the only person in the whole world who loved me unconditionally... I just found out that she… she died last week."
Nelly gasped, new tears pushing the old ones out of her eyes. "I'm sorry, Nori."
He nodded, a sob escaping with his next words. "Me too… me too…"
And then he took another deep breath, and did the scariest thing he had done in decades.
"I was born one hundred and sixty two years ago – nearly a hundred and sixty two now. I had a mother and a father and a big brother. My mother was a lovely dwarf, but she was very unlucky. My father died when I was about the same age you are now. Then my mother found love again, but it was more of a marriage of convenience."
"What does that mean?" Nelly asked softly.
Nori sighed. "We came from a line of minor nobility, but my mother was poor and when my father died we had nothing. So when Hod showed an interest in her she agreed to marry him to put food on the table for us. But Hod was… He… Well, I would not let him within a hundred leagues of you. He was a bully."
"A bully?" Nelly screwed her nose up. "Adults aren't supposed to be bullies."
"No, they're not," Nori said, hanging his head. "For a while, it was fine. Then, when I was twenty three, my little brother was born."
"Ori?"
Nori shook his head. "His name was Rori."
Nelly's frown deepened. "Rori?"
Nori nodded slowly. "Yes. His name was Rori. Hod was so happy to have a child of his own, Ama was happy that he was happy and I was happy with my little brother. Dori didn't pay much attention to us, he was too busy learning things. He's two decades older than me."
"What happened?" Nelly sounded afraid to ask.
The memory burned inside Nori's heart, and for the first time in a hundred and forty years, he set it free. "Rori died. There was a sickness going around and he was only five years old. He got sick and he did not recover."
Nelly covered her mouth and tears began to rest upon her fingers.
"Hod started drinking," Nori recalled, because the floodgates had been opened now. "He was an angry drunk and he was drunk all the time. And when he was drunk he liked to hit me."
"Hit you?"
"Yes," Nori ground his teeth together, trying not to rant too explicitly.
"Did he hurt you?" Nelly asked, her grip on his beard tightening a little.
Nori could not lie anymore. "Yes, Nelly. He hurt me badly."
Nelly's lip began to wobble. "But… but… didn't your mama stop him?"
"She didn't know. No one did. I was alone."
"Did Dori know?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't he tell your mama?"
Nori hesitated. That question had swum around his head for more than a hundred years. "I don't know… I don't know…"
"Is Hod Ori's father?"
"Yes," Nori nodded. "Ori was born about ten years after Rori died. No one let him out of their sight, we were so afraid of losing him too. But when he reached seven it was not him we lost. It was my mother. Hod was angry, he was so angry and I started getting thwacked for every little thing… He didn't feed me, either. I had to nick food from where I could get it."
Nori stopped when he finally raised his head from the floor. He had not thought that he could feel any Nelly's eyes were wide and her whole body was trembling.
"I'm sorry, uzbadnâtha," he whispered. "I'm scaring you."
"No," she shook her head. "You're making me sad because Hod is… is… well, you'll have to teach me a bad enough word-" that made him laugh a little "- but I get it. That's why you were so scared and angry. You thought you were like Hod. Well you're not. You're not anything like him."
Nori just sighed, but that was not enough for Nelly.
"No, you're not like him, not like him at all! You didn't want to hurt me! I know you didn't mean to! He's just… he's just a bully and it's not the same! Is he dead yet? I'd like to put my sword through his face."
Nori let out another watery laugh. "What sword?"
"The sword you promised to make me," she replied, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
"I don't know," he answered her first question. "I don't know where Hod is. I'd like to think he's in a ditch somewhere… We left, you see. One day Nina… Nina noticed. She realised what he was doing to me and she got Dori. Persuaded him to leave. So off we went, to the Blue Mountains. Left Hod behind. See, Nina was my mother's friend. Much younger than my mother, but friends with her anyway. And she looked after us."
"She sounds nice," murmured Nelly.
"She was," Nori replied. "She was… trouble was, when we left behind Hod we also left behind his money. And my mother's money. So for a while, a long while, we were starving. Nina lived next door and she helped when she could but she had less money than we did and more often than not I had to swipe food from a vendor just to put it on the table."
"That's horrible…" Nelly swallowed. "Nori… that's horrible…"
He nodded slowly. "Aye… but I couldn't stop. Even when Dori got a job, even when we weren't hungry… I'm a thief, Nelly. It's what I do. I can't help it. Don't know why. I just keep taking things. There's no excuse, no excuse at all. I'm nothing but a dirty, rotten thief. Nina knew. Nina didn't care. I told her things, Nell. I've told her everything there is to know about me. This, what I've told you now, is more than I've ever told anyone, but I told her more. I told her absolutely everything."
"So why don't you tell other people?"
Nori paused, but he had already bared half of his soul. He may as well go the whole way. "I don't tell anyone else because I can't trust anyone else. I always knew that Nina would love me no matter what, but I cannot trust the same thing to anyone else. There're too many skeletons in my closet. I've done too much… And I don't know anyone I could trust with that."
Nelly looked like her little heart was breaking. "N…not even me?"
"No, bunnel," he whispered, and he wanted to hold her close but he could not because she would want to pull away soon. "Not even you. I'm so sorry…"
For a long moment Nelly was quiet. And then she spoke. "What does bunnel mean? I haven't heard that one before… "
Nori tried to clear his throat. "It means treasure of all treasures."
"Treasure of all treasures…" Nelly repeated, a strange look passing over her face. "Nori, do you love me?"
"You know I do, Nelly."
"And I love you too," Nelly nodded sharply. "Really, Nori, I do. And I don't care if you're a thief. I don't care at all."
"At all?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Well," she sighed "I care a little bit. It makes me sad. But it's part of who you are so it's alright. I don't mind. You're my Nori."
Nori hung his head again.
"Nori, listen to me," she put her hands on his cheeks and turned his face towards her. "When I told you that… that I wet the bed… you told me that you'd never hate me, that it'd be impossible to hate me. And that's how I feel about you. No matter what you do, you're always my best friend. So if you… if you don't trust me, that's… that's fine… but I'm gonna be here anyway. I promise. I just have one thing to ask…"
"What?" Nori croaked.
"Will you hug me, please?" she whispered, and her wobbling lip was finally joined by more tears.
"Of course," Nori pulled her into his arms and she nestled her face into his neck.
"I love you, Nori."
"I love you too."
"Nori?"
"Yes?"
Nelly hesitated. "Please… don't hit me again. It wasn't really that fun."
Agony spasmed through Nori's chest and he swallowed. "Nelly, I promise you. For as long as I live, I will never, ever strike you again. I swear – I would die first. I would die before I hit you again – Mahal, I wish I'd have died before I hit you once, truly."
"Nori, stop it," Nelly whined, tugging gently on his hair. "I don't want you to die!"
"I won't," Nori chuckled darkly. "I'm not that lucky."
"Nori!" she squeaked, sounding utterly horrified.
"I'm sorry, Nelly. Truly, truly I am."
After another pause, Nelly spoke again. "I think we should go back now. Mama and Papa will be worried. But if we make sure they know I'm alright then you can come in or I can go back to your house and we can talk as much or as little as you like. Is that good?"
"I'd like that…" Nori admitted, pushing himself onto his feet. He did not put Nelly down – he could not bring himself to. "Mahal – I wish you could've met her. Nina would have loved you."
"I think I'd have loved her too."
"You would've," Nori was sure of it. "You would've gotten along like a house on fire. I would've been out of the picture."
"Not if she liked you as much as I do," Nelly assured him, patting on his head.
"She did," Nori knew. She did.
"You need to open up, Nori."
He scoffed and sat up on her kitchen counter. "Nah. I open up to you, Nina. That's enough."
"Get your arse off my nice clean surfaces!" Nina scolded, tapping his knee gently. "I mean it Nori – off!"
Nori grinned, but he did what she said.
"So, you're definitely going then?"
"Of course. I'm not about to let Ori go traipsing across Middle Earth to face a dragon on his own."
"He will be among the king's company," Nina pointed out.
"The king's company are not his brothers."
"No, but Dori will be there, too."
Nori shrugged. "I don't care. I need to look after Ori."
Nina smiled. "That's my boy."
Nori pulled a face. "I'm not a boy anymore."
"No, you're not," Nina smiled. "You're not."
Nori sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. "What do you want to know?"
"Hmm?"
"Ask me a question. Any question. I'll give you an answer, an honest one. No lies."
"Really?" Nelly perked up. "What is your happiest memory?"
Nori was a little surprised by the question. "Oh, well… The first night we spent in Erebor. Fíli started up a game of tag, most people joined in. I couldn't, I was injured at the time, but it was nice watching then."
Nelly nodded to herself. "That does sound nice. Not the injured part, though."
"No, the injured part was less fun," Nori admitted, navigating his way back towards home.
"Does Ori know? About what Hod did?"
"No," Nori murmured. "He has no idea."
"I love you, Nori."
"I love you too."
"What's your favourite colour?"
"Mmh, murky blue."
"What's your most hated memory?"
Nori paused.
"You don't have to-"
"It's a tie. The day we thought Dwalin had betrayed us or the day Rori died."
Nelly rested her head on his shoulder. "I love you, Nori."
His eyebrows twitched slightly, that was the second time she had said that in under a minute, but his reply was the same. "Love you too."
"If you could go back in time, what would you change?"
"I'd save Rori," Nori did not hesitate. "Then I'd get rid of Hod the second Ori was born."
"Good plan," Nelly nodded. "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
"Honestly? You really want to know?"
"Mm-hm."
Nori sent his mind whirring through his vast catalogue of sins. "The worst thing I've ever done… the worst thing I've ever done, Nelly, is hit you."
Nelly's lip quivered but she nodded. "I love you, Nori."
"Right back at you, kid," he smiled through a new wave of tears, because he understood now.
Nelly wanted to tell him that she would love him no matter what. The child wanted to prove her loyalty to him.
"Nelly?"
"Mm?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"You know what."
"You're welcome."
"Nelly?"
"Mm?"
"I think you're my best friend too."
She smiled. "Nori?"
"Mm?"
"I love you."
"Nelly?"
"Mm?"
"I love you too."
"Dís, I need to talk to you."
She paused and looked at him. "You sound serious."
Dwalin stared at his cousin, doing his very best to make his expression unreadable and sighed. "I am."
The princess glanced down at her hands and then back into his eyes. "This is about what I said to Elza, isn't it?"
"Aye, it is…" Dwalin took a deep breath before he spoke. He loved Dís fiercely. She was, in his eyes, more his sister than his cousin, and he had missed her more than he could say. The last thing he wanted to do was fight with her the second she came home, but he had to admit, he was upset. "She's a good lass, Dís. If you'd wanted to know about her family or her intentions you should have asked me, you shouldn't have embarrassed us like that!"
"If you found out that I was engaged to someone you'd never met before what would you do?"
"I'd grill him and I'd check out his background but I'd do it in private. She's not a whore, Dís. I only met her because she saved Ori's life. She befriended him before I really knew her. Then she nearly died saving my life, the day I broke my leg. If it wasn't for her I'd be dead Dís. Dead. What's more, when we got to the Healing Halls that shaikul excuse for a lord Ioán made some ridiculous comment about her being in next bed to me she tried to move. She'd just saved my life when she could have – should have – run, and she did not think herself worthy of occupying the next bed in a Healing ward."
By the time Dwalin had finished, Dís' expression crumpled.
"I'm sorry, Dwalin. I didn't know…"
"You could've waited," Dwalin pointed out. "You could've asked tactfully – Mahal, Dís, you have more tact than the rest of us put together!"
"I'm sorry," she said again, and he could see in her eyes that she meant it. "I'm so tired, Dwalin, and it's no excuse, but after the last eighteen months my protective instinct went a little rogue."
After a long pause, he sighed. "Well, I given the extenuating circumstances I might be able to forgive you…"
"On what condition?" she narrowed her eyes, but her lips were twitching into a smile.
"You promise to give Elza a chance. And me a hug."
"I think that can be arranged," she grinned, striding over and wrapping her arms around him tightly. "Oh, I've missed you. Thank you for keeping our idiot brother alive."
"Well, it hasn't been easy," Dwalin chuckled, rubbing her back with the arm that was not holding his crutches. "Ah, Dís, I've missed you too."
"My, my!" she gasped. "Did I just hear Dwalin admit to having an emotion? She has turned you into a softie, hasn't she?"
"Don't forget, Dís, I can still take you out in the arena," he warned, but he was smiling now.
"There's the Dwalin we all know and love!" Dís laughed.
"It must feel strange," Dwalin said as they pulled away. "Being here again."
"Aye," Dís nodded, looking around her quarters. "I'll have to clean up a little…"
"Thorin wouldn't let the maids in," Dwalin explained. "He said you'd want it the way you left it."
"I appreciate it," Dís' voice was quiet, almost reverent.
"I'll leave you be, you should get some sleep," Dwalin squeezed her shoulder and then took a hold of his crutches.
"For once I actually agree with you," Dís sighed. "I'm so tired that I feel as though I've run circles around you at the Midwinter Races again."
"Shut up," Dwalin grinned. "Shut up."
Dwalin bid goodnight to Dís and left her room, staring at the door that was almost exactly opposite. He took a deep breath and gathered his courage, before slowly walking across the impossibly long corridor.
And then he raised his fist.
And then he knocked.
At first there was no response, but then a voice called out. "Just a second!"
Dwain could not quite distinguish which brother's voice it was until the door opened and he was face to face with an exhausted Kíli.
"Is this a bad time, laddie? I can come back-"
"Come in."
There was no room in Kíli's voice for argument and he walked backwards, pushing the door open wide. One of the wolves was leaning against his side, watching Dwalin with a bright, curious gaze.
"Fee's in the bath," the young dwarf said as way of explanation as he lead Dwalin to the sofa in the middle of the room.
It was not an s-shaped loveseat, he noted with a twinge of humour. Just a normal, bog standard sofa. Dwalin sank gratefully into the seat and Kíli sat with crossed legs on the other end. The wolf flopped down onto the floor by Kíli's feet, and the prince stroked the beast's ears absently.
"How are you doing?" Dwalin asked in a slightly rough voice.
Kíli shrugged with a wry smile. "Well, I can't exactly say I'm doing well, because Fíli and Bilbo have forbidden me from lying about these things, but I'm not too bad. I'm healing. I'm getting there."
"I'm glad to hear you're improving," Dwalin nodded, and then steeled his nerves and said it. "Kíli, I'm so sorry."
Kíli's eyes widened almost comically. "Sorry? Whatever for?"
Dwalin closed his eyes. "The traitors… they used me to… to torture you and-"
"Dwalin!" Kíli cried, and he sounded so aghast that Dwalin opened his eyes. "You have nothing to apologise about! That wasn't your fault, it had nothing to do with you!"
"No," Dwalin shook his head. "I let my guard down and they stole my weapons. That gave them the opportunity to impersonate me. They stood there with my face and my voice because I let down my guard. And I'm sorry that happened. I'm so sorry. I need you to know that I would never do that to you. I would fall upon my own sword before I caused you pain like that. I swear it."
Kíli swallowed, and it looked like he was about to cry. "I know. Dwalin, I don't blame you. I never have…"
"Kíli…" Dwalin tried to think but he could not bring any other words to his lips. "Kíli…"
"I didn't… I didn't want to… I couldn't believe it was you, I just couldn't, and when… when I found out it wasn't I thought I would die of relief… But… It's not your fault. I don't blame you. Dwalin, I haven't… I can't, I can't blame you!"
By the end of it the lad was over the verge of tears, and Dwalin knew he would not be too far behind himself. "I'm so sorry…"
"Me too," Kíli whispered, and then he leant forward and hugged the warrior.
For a moment Dwalin was so shocked that he stiffened, but then instinct kicked in and he held the boy close and closed his eyes. "I did not think I'd get a chance to speak of this with you for years. I'm so glad you chose to come back, though I wish it wasn't such a forced decision."
"Me too," the young prince's grip tightened around Dwalin. "It's good to be back."
"It's good to have you back," Dwalin nodded, holding him tightly for a long moment more, before they finally pulled apart.
"So," Kíli wiped his tears off of his face and smiling a little. "You're engaged?"
"Aye," Dwalin nodded, a crooked grin breaking across his face. "I am."
"Elza seems nice," Kíli commented, and there was nothing in his voice to suggest that he was not sincere.
"You like her?" Dwalin's heart swelled.
"I do," Kíli smiled. "She seems funny, kind, humble… I don't see anything not to like, really. She even held her own against Nelly, and let me tell you that's no easy task."
Dwalin laughed aloud, thinking back to the little lass' devilish grin. "I'd wager she's a character, that one."
"Nelly?" Kíli chuckled. "That's an understatement. She adopted Nori, of all people."
"She adopted him?" Dwalin raised his eyebrows at the odd wording.
"Oh, yes," Kíli said. "It wasn't the other way round. She decided that she liked him and that was that. He had little choice but become her partner in crime, not that he minds."
"They make an odd looking pair," the warrior thought back to their surprise entrance, remembering the sweet, innocent looking girl balanced on the thief's shoulders. "She looks like a little angel."
Kíli snorted. "You are more of an angel than she is."
Dwalin grinned and shook his head. "Sounds like my type of lass."
"Well, you'll have to fight Nori for her," teased Kíli. "They're as thick as thieves."
"If you leave her with him for too long that'll be more literal than you'd like it to be," Dwalin warned, but he could not wipe the side from smile from his face.
Kíli laughed, and the sound brought another wave of relief over Dwalin. "Ah, I think they're good for each other."
"I'll have to take your word on that," Dwalin rubbed his aching knee.
Across the room a small, rather inconspicuous door caught the warrior's eye. It looked like a closet, but the doorknob was turning from the other side. Dwalin reached for the knife on his belt.
"It's just Fee," Kíli said softly. "The door joins our quarters together. That's why Thorin suggested we take them last year."
"Ah, sorry," Dwalin relaxed, gesturing sheepishly to his hand. "Old habits, I'm afraid…"
It was clear that Kíli was not himself. There were shadows in his eyes, and under them, and his whole manner was less animated than usual, but his smiles were genuine and he was not dancing around his feelings.
Kíli was alright.
He was not very well, but he was alright. That meant more to Dwalin than any gold he could ever have, but now he was going to see if Fíli, too was alright.
True to Kíli's word, the figure shuffling tiredly through the door was the older prince, rubbing a towel against his damp hair.
"Dwalin!" Fíli sounded surprised, but he grinned and strode straight over to hug the warrior.
The older dwarf squeezed Fíli as tightly as he dared, fully aware of how delicate the dwarf seemed to be at the moment. When Fíli pulled away he paused to press his forehead against Dwalin's, before they finally parted.
"What're you doing here?" Fíli asked, his grin spreading all the way across his face.
"I just came by to see how you're doing. You and your brother. Especially after…"
"Ah," Fíli's smile faded a little as his gaze flickered to his brother, but it did not leave his face completely. "Well, we've both been better but we've both been worse. I'm glad to see you, though."
"You too, Fíli, you too. I'm sorry, I didn't want to bring up memories or-"
"No," both brother's said firmly, but it was Kíli who continued. "It needed to be said. To be talked about. And I'm glad we did."
"Me too," Dwalin nodded and tried not to let his emotions overcome him. "Me too…"
"Will you stay for the evening?" Fíli asked, his eyes staring imploring into Dwalin's. "There's so much catching up to do."
Dwalin smiled sadly. "I'd love to, but I think it'd be best for you two to get a good night's rest."
Fíli and Kíli glanced at each other, then stared at him with innocent eyes.
"Please!"
Even the wolf let out a soft whine.
Dwalin grinned. "It's good to know I'm wanted lads, but truly. The pair of you look ready to drop at any moment. It'll do you both good to sleep."
Fíli sighed, glancing at his brother. "I suppose…"
Dwalin stood up, wobbling for a moment on his crutches before making his way over to the door. Both Fíli and Kíli walked him out, and they did not close the door until he was all the way down the hall.
And when he laid his head down on his pillow that night, for the first time in months, Dwalin felt true peace.
If you had asked Paladin six months ago who made the comfiest beds in Middle Earth he would not have answered the dwarves of Erebor. The bed he was lying in now, though, was by far the most luxurious mattress he had ever laid on. It was a perfect balance between soft and firm, and the warm blankets felt like the finest silk.
Beside him, Ellie had easily succumbed to what appeared a pleasingly deep sleep. Paladin was jealous.
He could not even close his eyes.
In this wonderful bed, in this beautiful room, in this incredible kingdom, Paladin Took could not sleep.
It was not that he was not tired – he was utterly exhausted. But no matter how he shifted, no matter how long he laid still with his eyes forced shut, Paladin could not sleep.
He sighed. Glancing at his sleeping wife, he eased his legs out of bed. There were no creaking floorboards as he padded across the floor and slipped out of the door.
This place was just amazing.
Moonlight was seeping into the large living area through a small hatch in the ceiling – when Paladin inspected it earlier he could see a system of mirrors funnelling natural light so deep underground. They had been given rooms in the Halls of the High Nobles, as they were called. Apparently they were 'lodgings fit for family of the prince', or so Balin said.
Paladin and Ellie had been given a large, metal key that opened their new front door. The short front hall led out into a cloakroom. There was a little kitchen with adjoined dining room, and not one but two offices. The room Paladin was in now was a spacious, open-planned living room. Well, spacious was not exactly fair.
It was huge.
It was also oddly shaped – Paladin knew that other cultures did not value circular architecture as much as others, but he was not expecting an octagon. The first side of the room led out from the hall and the second from the enormous bathroom, but in each of the other walls was a small door leading to a bedroom.
The girls had been ecstatic when they found out that they could have their own bedrooms (though Nelly had to be turfed out of the master bedroom) However, Paladin would be very surprised if they did not find Vinca in Pearl's room by morning.
Little Pippin had refused point blank to go to sleep in his own bed until Paladin had read him a story and promised to stay until the little boy fell asleep. The 'monster trap' Fíli had brought him helped too – it was a little cobweb like contraption hanging from the doorway, and an idea that Paladin loved.
Anything to help his traumatised toddler drift off to sleep.
A sudden chill passed through Paladin's body and he stared towards the nearest door. He darted forward, easing it open to see his son, snoring lightly, with his blankets curled up around him like a nest. Slowly, the father's heartbeat began to settle and he snuck across the room, kissing Pippin's forehead. The toddler sighed in his sleep but other than that he did not stir.
Paladin was worried about Pippin. He was worried about all of his children. They had been through so much, so much horror. He did not know what to do to help them. It seemed like Pippin was fine, like he was bouncing back from the hell he had been dragged through but Paladin knew that it was not over yet. No toddler could carve letters into his friend's back and survive unscathed.
But Paladin did not know how to help him.
Paladin did not know how to help himself.
Or how to make the nightmares stop.
But, he assured himself, for tonight, Pippin was safe.
Paladin swallowed and left Pippin's room, ducking beneath the monster trap. Then, he walked silently into Pearl's.
Her blonde hair was splayed out over her pillow, which had somehow moved to the wrong end of the bed. Pearl was twitching and humming in her sleep with a little smile on her face. He crouched beside her bed and gently tugged a lock of loose hair out of her mouth.
He kissed her without waking her and ran his fingers through her fair hair. She was the only one of his children to inherit their grandmother's fair hair. Nelly's was a shade between brown and blonde, and little Vinca's hair was the colour of copper – like her mothers, but lighter. Pippin's hair was brown. Like his Papa.
Pearl was a good girl. Paladin wondered if he had told her that enough. He wondered if she knew how proud she made him, how happy he was when she surrendered victory to wait for Vinca or sacrificed the coveted cupcake so that Pippin got his first choice. She was so much like her mother.
Paladin wondered if Pearl knew that she was a thousand times more precious than the gem she was named after.
With a last glance at his (safe, she was safe) daughter, Paladin closed the door behind him and moved to check on Vinca.
To his terror, her bed was empty. The bedsheets were strewn across the floor and his daughter was nowhere in sight.
Before Paladin could scream, he heard something that snatched the breath from his lungs.
"C'mere lil' bunny…"
He staggered forward and then he saw her, curled up in an old, rocking armchair halfway across the room, talking to herself as she slept. Instead of her blankets, she was sleeping beneath a cloak he recognised as his own, and then he realised that she could see the faint glow of moonlight beneath the door coming from the room outside.
So this was where she felt safe – not in a bed, but in a chair beneath her father's cloak.
Paladin knelt beside her, but this time his hand was shaking when it touched her hair and she frowned, before blinking her big, sleepy eyes.
"Papa? Wha's… wha's goin' on?"
"Nothing," he whispered, making himself smile. "I'm sorry for waking you, princess. Just go back to sleep, alright? That's my good girl. I love you."
"I love you too, Papa," Vinca yawned, and then she slipped straight back to sleep.
Paladin took a deep breath and stood up, kissing his youngest daughter before backing quietly out of the room.
He stood outside her door and tried to stop himself from trembling. He was scared, so scared, that his children were going to disappear from under his nose. That he would have to watch, again, as his five year old son was carried away screaming for him, begging Estel not to leave his Papa behind. That he would be forced to run for miles upon miles upon miles until his legs gave out while imagining his babies being eaten by orcs –
Paladin bowed his head and pushed his hand against his mouth.
"Remember, Paladin," his mother smiled knowingly. "It never, ever helps to dwell on nightmares."
It never, ever helps to dwell on nightmares.
So Paladin refused to dwell on them.
He breathed in slowly and he stood up.
He was safe now. His family was safe. What would be would be. Come tomorrow evening he would take Saradoc and his sister and Kíli and he would tell them that he was still struggling. With any luck, they would have ideas of how to keep the panic at bay like they did the last time he had spoken to them.
Paladin would deal with what happened, bit by bit. First, had been the physical side of things – but now his wounds were all but completely healed. He was still a little on the thin side – rather pathetic for a hobbit of his age – but what with the spectacular meals they had received he was sure that too would be temporary. Now, he had to start with the tricky stuff.
So, what first… What memory haunted him the most?
Pippin.
But Pippin was safe and Pippin would heal. He had experienced things no adult should ever see, let alone a five year old, but that was it. He had seen them. There was nothing Paladin could do about that. But he would heal.
And so would his father.
Paladin sighed and pushed open the final door, and he had to push his hand over his mouth again.
This time, it was to stifle a laugh.
Nelly was snoring like a sailor, hanging over the edge of the bed. Her upside down face was turned towards her father and her curls were brushing against the floor. There was a serious frown on her face, like she was trying to set the world right in her dreams.
Paladin walked over, picking his way through the mess she had managed to make in the space of half an hour to gently lift her back into bed. Her snoring ceased as her head was laid down on her pillow and she snuffled happily, her fingers wrapping around Paladin's.
Smiling, he eased his fingers out of her grasp and kissed her, and then he walked back towards his own room. When he opened the door, he saw his wife, sitting up in bed and staring at him with wide eyes.
"Ellie, what's wrong?"
"You weren't here," she whispered, her voice hoarse from more than sleep. "I woke up and you were gone…"
"I was just checking on the little ones," Paladin smiled, climbing into bed and taking her hand. "I'm fine."
"But you might not have been," Ellie worried, putting her hand on his face. "I lost you, Pal. I lost you, and I lost Pippin and I thought… They told me you were dead. And you…"
"Are full of surprises."
"Paladin…"
"I'm sorry," he stroked her curls away from her face. "Truly. I did not mean to scare you. I'm fine."
She studied his eyes for a long moment. "Just tell me, please. Tell me if you need anything. To talk, to have space… Just let me know."
"I will," Paladin smiled. "Ellie… I love you."
"I love you too. So, so much."
"I know. And I promise you, whatever happens, we'll be alright. I'm a Took, after all. We're highly resilient folk. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Shall we get some sleep?"
Ellie sighed. "I'm awake now."
"Me too," Paladin admitted, sighing heavily. "Although, you know… I'm not in pain anymore?"
"No?" Ellie beamed. "That's brilliant!"
"Isn't it?" said Paladin, grinning suggestively at her.
"What?" Ellie narrowed her eyes.
"Well, given that I'm in passable physical shape and we actually have our own room for the first time in months…"
Ellie looked away, though she was grinning now. "Really? Now?"
Paladin propped himself up on his elbows. "I'm game if you are."
With a soft sigh, Ellie rolled her eyes. "Be quiet and kiss me, Paladin Took."
"Gladly," Paladin leant forward and kissed her.
And when morning came, their slumbering bodies were still entwined.
And then they were awoken, by a rather confused Vinca.
"Mama? Papa? What are your pyjamas doing all over the floor?"
Well, I hope you enjoyed that chapter!
As a note about the Nori and Nelly section – I hope that was not too upsetting for anyone reading, I know that child abuse references can hit a little too close to home. I do have my reasons for including it, though, and I do not condone child abuse of any nature. As another note, I would suspect that socially dwarves, and hobbits, for that matter would see little wrong with slapping naughty children as long as it did not seriously hurt them and was not severe enough to leave a mark.
Thank you for reading, please do review if you can!
