Well finally I got my arse in gear and finished this story. Apologies to everyone who has waited so patiently for this and I truly hope you are not disappointed. It has not been beta'd either which I know I should have done but that would have entailed another year. I just decided to post it or delete it. Deleting it would have been cowardly and I know there are some still interested in how this ends. So here it is - Chapter 15 will be posted later today just need to get some sleep now.
Chapter 14 - A Different Life
The drive was long and quiet which was unusual for Sam and Jules. But this was not an awkward silence. There was no tension between them; no unresolved issue simmering under the surface. It was a peaceful, quiet, contemplative silence, each missing the other before they had even separated.
"It is beautiful here" Jules said as she brought the jeep to a slow and steady halt.
Sam was looking out of the side window taking in the vast greenery which he agreed with his wife was truly breathtaking. But scenery was just scenery. He was here for only one reason - he needed to walk again. His head was ready for the tough road ahead of him; his heart less so. His heart was aching - Jules will be miles away and he was no longer eligible to be part of the SRU. The unit he was so proud to belong to had thrown him aside. He had covered it up - put on a brave face and took the decision just as the soldier in him had always done; followed orders, did as he was told. He couldn't let anyone know how sad he was not to be part of the best family he knew. There was nothing he could do about the SRU. What he could do was take control of his life and do everything in his power to walk again.
"Penny for them?" Jules asked. A small smile appeared which didn't quite reach her eyes. She too was putting on a brave face; her stomach in knots knowing this would be the start of a long journey for both of them.
Sam looked at her puzzled.
"Your thoughts - I'll give you a penny for them."
"They're not worth a penny" Sam sighed and leant his head against the headrest.
"Just feeling a little nervous, there's a lot riding on this and…"
" And what?" Jules questioned.
Sam turned to face the woman he loved totally and completely. "I'm going to miss you."
"I'm going to miss you too." Jules said as she softly stroked his cheek. "Just take every day one step at a time."
Sam looked at her; a small wry smile turned the corners of his lips upward slightly. "Not a bad analogy for a guy who can't walk."
Jules slapped his arm jokingly. "You know what I mean" and both started to laugh which lightened the mood and for the first time that day she saw her husband's face relax.
"I'm just saying don't put too much pressure on yourself. It might take longer than the timescale you have in your head and if it doesn't go how you… we hope, well that would be okay too." Jules reached over and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. The hand that hadn't been able to squeeze hers back. She held onto it anyway and if one day she felt his fingers interlock hers then that would be the hope that she knew Sam longed for.
"For you perhaps - not for me. I will walk Jules. I have to make sure the sniper doesn't take that too. If I can never walk again then what's the point of anything. We lost our baby, our friend. I will not let him take this too, I can't. His determination never waning; at least on the outside.
Jules knew Sam was right. She was just grateful she hadn't lost him and she could still look into those beautiful blue eyes of his and know absolutely the love she had for her husband was immeasurable. Things could have been very different. Brain damage, the doctors had told her, would most likely be irreparable and the physically disability, permanent. And although she knew she sounded selfish it didn't matter to her that her husband couldn't walk. It didn't matter that only one of his strong arms could embrace her. She had the Sam back she knew and who knew her. But walking again meant everything to Sam so she would do this for him and what's a few months apart. She sighed silently - an absolute eternity.
The two hours had passed by quickly and before they knew it, it was time for Jules to leave. She didn't want him so far away. The weekend was seven long lonely days away but she held her tears inside until she was alone in the car on her way home.
Sam too, had felt a little lost when Jules had finally left but he had noticed a young man when he had first arrived, a triple amputee. Sam had surmised that he was or had been in the armed forces most likely a soldier. It was the intense sadness in the young man's eyes that drew Sam to venture over and introduce himself.
"Hi, my name is Sam." Sam said as he extended his working hand.
The young man looked through Sam as if he wasn't there and turned and wheeled himself away to another section of the centre.
Sam instinctively followed finding the young man in the sports and games section.
"Do you play?" Sam asked eyeing the table tennis table.
"Yeah, I'm the frigging world champion". The young man replied sarcastically.
He hadn't ignored him which Sam saw as a good sign so he continued to try and draw the young man into a conversation.
"I think you must be mistaken as I believe I am the holder of that particular title." Sam replied grinning.
The young man laughed just enough to let Sam know that although the ice wasn't yet broken, it had definitely melted a little. "I'm Chris" he said and extended his hand to Sam. "Sam" Sam replied and shook his hand.
The two young men decided to play for the fun of it. Sam a lefthander with no left arm - so to speak and Chris a right hander with no right hand, literally.
Hence the game didn't last very long as neither could be bothered to keep wheeling after the numerous missed ping pong balls that found themselves bouncing all over the floor.
Finally giving up on the game they both decided they could use a refreshment and made their way to the cafeteria where they ordered themselves each a soda.
"Where were you stationed?" Sam asked as soon as they found a table and rested their drinks down.
"How'd you know I was a solder?" Chris looked at Sam puzzled and then realized. "I suppose there're not many amputees that aren't soldiers these days." Chris replied nervously but didn't answer Sam's question and Sam didn't ask again.
Chris had not spoken of Afghanistan or what happened there to anyone and yet here he was sitting with a complete stranger contemplating telling him everything that had happened to him. But as hard as he tried, he couldn't find the words.
After several awkward minutes Chris finally spoke "Kabul" he said his eyes mirroring the horror he had been through and suddenly he was tongue tied again - words he so desperately wanted to say trapped inside his head.
Chris finally pushed the chair away from the small white circular table holding the drinks still untouched and left. Sam thought about following but decided to give Chris some space. There will always be tomorrow; no point in pushing. He could still hear the Sergeant's words in his head. "Take it slow Sam , don't rush the subject. Look for the signs and you will know when someone is ready to talk."
Sam asked around the centre about the young amputee and discovered he had been at the centre for three weeks to build up his muscles for the prosthetic limbs he would be getting in a month or so.
The following day after a three hour grueling physiotherapy session Sam found Chris on the deck.
"Mind if a join you?" Sam asked as he wheeled his chair next to Chris.
"Free country" Chris replied seemingly unwilling to enter into a conversation with Sam.
"I was stationed in Kandahar" Sam said as he looked out over the rich green lawn.
"Is that how you ended up in the chair?" Chris replied finally being drawn into the conversation.
"No, I am… I was a policeman. I was shot" Sam said. His voice cracked a little which let Chris know his new acquaintance may have also been through his own private hell.
"The woman who came with you - is she your girlfriend?"
"Jules, she's my wife" Sam replied proudly. He adored being married to the most amazing and understanding woman he had ever known. "Do you have anyone, any family close by?" Sam asked still a little anxious he was pushing Chris too hard for information.
"My folks are from Montreal. They come and see me when they can but it not easy for them to see me like this." Chris paused and fumbled nervously with the control button of his chair. "I had a girlfriend" Chris finally admitted "but things didn't work out. I came back from hell half a man. I wanted to hate her but I realized it wasn't her fault. She told me she didn't recognize the person I had become; that it had nothing to do with my physical disability. She said it was like being with a stranger. Yet all I could see was what I looked like and it was easier to blame her for leaving because I had no legs rather than admit I wasn't the same person I was before Afghanistan."
Sam let the silence hang in the air for a while. This had been the first time Chris had truly opened up to him.
"War changes people." Sam said finally. " There are always scars; just because they're not visible, it doesn't mean they're not there and they can be just as crippling as any physical injury".
Chris realized that his new friend had suffered too. And in one brief moment felt the burden of self-pity leave him.
Over the coming weeks the friendship grew and confidences began to be shared. Sam had discovered that Chris had been in bomb disposal and Sam had talked about his own bomb disposal friend Spike.
"You really miss your unit, don't you?" Chris asked one day whilst sitting on the deck catching the last rays of the sun.
"Yeah I do, I miss it all; the guys, the camaraderie the work; everything. When I got out of the army and first joined the SRU I was like this really brash, knew everything kind of guy. I thought a problem couldn't be sorted just with words but the Sarge taught me to listen, to really listen when people spoke. He changed me; he made me a better man."
"Why'd you leave the army?" Chris asked suddenly.
"It's a long story. So what's your plans when you leave here?" Sam asked trying unsuccessfully to change the subject.
"You never talk about Afghanistan Sam. What happened in Kandahar?" What are your scars you don't want people to know?" Chris asked.
Sam was taken aback momentarily. The pair had skated around the subject of Afghanistan for a few weeks but this was the first time Chris had asked outright. Sam found this difficult ground to go over again. Once had been hard enough yet he couldn't expect Chris to open up to him if he wasn't prepared to do the same. Sam blew out a sharp breath and Chris knew instantly that his friend's story would be much like his own - one filled with guilt and recriminations. He listened as Sam told how he had been cleared to fire on Taliban Insurgents only to discover he had shot and killed his best friend from 2km away. Cleared of any wrongdoing had not lessened Sam's guilt and Chris could see the intense sadness in his eyes.
"It never leaves you, does it?! Chris posed the question
"I wish I could tell you that time lessens the pain but I would be lying. You just learn to cope with it but it's always there and sometimes it resurfaces and completely overwhelms you." Sam replied feeling a wave of intense sadness wash over him as he remembered his friend Matt "if it wasn't for me my friend would still be alive; probably married with kids. I took that from him - I robbed my best friend of the life he should have lived."
Chris knew what guilt looked like - he had looked in the mirror every day and seen the same look he now saw in Sam. "Guilt can destroy you. The things I've seen and done hasn't been pleasant but I think I'm finally ready to tell my story if you're willing to listen Sam?
Sam listened and Chris' story was much like his own; survivors guild playing an almost unbearable part in it all.
"I thought the guys that were lost that day when the bomb we were trying to diffuse exploded were the lucky ones. They didn't have to live like this. They didn't have to wake up in pain everyday and relive the horror. Their pain was over" Chris said the hurt and shame filling his young eyes.
"And now?" Sam probed gently
"I feel ashamed. I have let them down. They're gone; their lives are over. They will never see a sunrise, never have kids or see them grow up. They will never live the lives they should've lived. I get to do that. Why me? Why was I spared?"
"I wish I knew the answer. Maybe we both need to learn that carrying on and living your life to the fullest is the best epitaph you can leave them. All I know is that It takes time to heal and you need to surround yourself with people who care. You have to forgive yourself for surviving Chris; no one can do that for you."
"Have you forgiven yourself Sam?" Chris asked
"Let's just say it's a work in progress." Sam replied honestly, both men finally coming to terms with their past and maybe in time they will be able to move on from it. Survivor's guilt is a long lonely road but as with every road it will eventually come to an end, one day, hopefully.
Days turned into weeks and progress for Sam had been rapid. Chris was due to leave soon, heading back to Montreal to spend some time with his parents.
"What are your plans after Montreal?" Sam asked Chris one evening as they played their umpteenth game of chess.
"See what happens. Don't really know how to do anything except diffuse bombs and I can't really do that now without a working right hand" Chris said without a hint of self-pity in his voice.
"There may be an opening at the SRU's training academy. I could speak to my old boss and see if he could swing an interview. It's in Toronto, how would you feel about relocating?"
"Relocating wouldn't be a problem. You think they'd take someone on like me." Chris replied immediately excited. He never thought he would be able to do the job he loved now and teaching it would be the next best thing.
"Just because you can't diffuse bombs anymore doesn't mean you can't teach others how to. Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do."
Sam had the opportunity later that week when Ed and Spike visited. Ed was still angry with the SRU's decision not to allow Sam to rejoin Team One and wanted him to appeal, but in reality they all knew it would be a fruitless exercise. Sam convinced them both he wasn't interested in rejoining the SRU and wanted instead to focus on walking and getting back to Jules..
"There is something you could do" Sam said as the three friends talked over lunch. "One of the residents here was in bomb disposal. Lost both legs and his arm in Afghanistan. He has prosthetic limbs now and is leaving shorty to spend some time with his parents. I was wondering if you would speak to the Sarge about the possibility of him joining the training academy."
"Could always use a good bomb tech at the academy; where is this guy I need to talk explosive devices with him"" Spike said glancing around the centre eager to have a technical chat with someone on his wavelength.
Both Ed and Sam laughed at Spike's excitement.
"It's maybe something you should consider yourself too Sam. Teach the young recruits a thing or two about sniping. You did a hell of a job with Andrew." Ed said; his face animated for the first time that day."
"And with Jules rejoining the team it makes perfect sense." Spike added
"Jules is going back to the SRU?" Sam asked a little taken aback that she hadn't mentioned it to him.
Spike realizing he had put his size 11's firmly in his mouth set off in search of Sam's bomb disposal friend.
"Sorry Sam, we thought Jules had already spoken to you. It did happen very quickly. The Sarge asked her when Leah decided to leave . Shes teaching at the academy now.
"I'm not angry Ed, I'm just glad she finally came to her senses and that she will be back with you all. Just make sure she stays safe Ed."
"You know I will". Ed promised
The two SRU constables left a couple of hours later glad they had seen their friend and pleased too that Sam had look so well.
True to his word Ed had spoken to Greg about the possibility of both Chris and Sam joining the academy. Greg was only too pleased Sam had agreed to apply. He knew Sam's resume and his SRU record would ensure he would have a teaching position without hesitation. Chris too had an impressive resume and was confident there would not be a problem with him being accepted to teach at the academy.
Ed was relieved Sam could have a teaching position at the academy but more importantly a purpose. He still believed the rules should have been relaxed for an officer who selflessly risked his own life to keep the people of Toronto safe. However, after months of trying to appeal the decision to no avail, it was the best he could hope for and knew Sam would welcome the news.
Time went on and after a few months Sam was back home with Jules. He looked like his old self to everyone. It was only Jules who saw the scar along his hairline where the hair had adamantly refused to grow. And only she noticed the slight limp when he was tired. But his left arm had regained full mobility and both of his strong arms could once again embrace her. Sam was overjoyed one morning when he received a letter confirming he would be allowed to drive from the following month just in time for his new position teaching the recruits at the academy that technical and practical aspects of being a long range marksman. He wasn't a member of the SRU but life was definitely far better than it could have been.
After just a few short weeks Sam found he was actually a really good teacher and was beginning to love his new role. Life as it happens was pretty damned good.
Jules too was happy that Sam had settled into his role of teacher and mentor so well. It didn't hurt that it came with a few perks; Sam was nearly always home before her and occasionally would pick her up after shift. Dinner was always waiting for her which was the ultimate perk as Sam's cooking skills now far outweighed her own. Life in the Braddock household had once again become a truly happy place.
Ed too had finally let his anger subside. Seeing Sam and Jules content with their roles and with how their lives had turned out made him feel very humble. If these guys who had been through so much could pick themselves up and move on then he had no right to still harbour feelings of resentment and anger.
"Coffee" Sophie called out to her husband who had been playing with his daughter in her bedroom. Large, brightly coloured jigsaw pieces covered the pink carpeted floor. This was Ed's favourite part of his morning routine. Twenty minutes with Izzy before facing the day of untold stress and at times, horror, allowed him to cope; allowed him to still see the good in people.
"I've got to go sweetheart" he said kissing his daughter gently on the cheek before swooping her up in his arms to carry her downstairs. He sat her at the kitchen table ready for her breakfast.
"Don't forget to let the team know about the BBQ on Sunday and remember to pick up your son from the airport please. His plane lands at 7 so don't tell me you've got delayed. You have to leave by six at the latest."
"I promise to pick up Clarke and I will remind the guys about the BBQ but I have to go so give me a kiss". Ed pulled his wife to him and kissed her softly on the mouth.
"Have a good day and be safe" Sophie said as she watched her husband disappear through the door before turning to prepare her daughter's breakfast.
Ed made his way to his car which was parked outside. He thought about Clarke. It had been three months since his son had joined the RCMP academy in Regina and although he missed his son he was also immensely proud of him. The BBQ was to welcome him home for his mid- term break. As Ed turned the key in the ignition he felt something hard and metal at the back of his head and knew instantly something was very, very wrong. He looked into the rear view mirror and saw the face of the man holding the barrel of the gun to his head. A chill ran up Ed's spine as he gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. The cold grey eyes staring at Ed belonged to Mikel Popov.
