AN- Sorry it has been so long. I do have another update pretty much ready after this one, so it might pick back up now.
Callie looked panicked for a moment. Stef kissed her head before exiting. "It is okay to tell me anything, Callie. I know how much your moms love you and sometimes that makes it hard to tell them everything you are feeling. You don't want to let them down, but they brought you here so you could tell me instead. My job is to listen and talk to just you about these issues. I only have to share with your moms if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others and tell social services if you are being abused. Otherwise everything you say is between us."
"I'm not, you know." Callie answered quietly.
"You aren't what?"
"I am not going to hurt myself or others and I am certainly not being abused."
"Good. This is an excellent start. Anything else you would like to share? Maybe about this weekend?"
"No." Callie shrugged.
"Okay, let's jump right to the topic of what happened this morning then. Go ahead, tell me about your morning."
"Well, I woke up and went running with my mom. Then I took a shower. My moms said I was sick and then I was brought here. That is all." Callie said still wanting to be done with this.
"Did you mess up your room last night or this morning?"
"This morning. I was hardly in my room last night since I slept with my moms in their room. It just seemed better since I was going running and all…"
"I see. Do you sleep in there often?"
"No… Mostly when I am sick. It just seemed right. Wait! What are you writing?"
"Just some notes. I can show you part of it if you like. Can I come and sit next to you for a little while?" Callie nodded the therapist went to sit next to her. "Well, here at the top, I list important information about you. See, it says Callie Marie Adams Foster along with your birthdate. It says you are ten, in the fifth grade at Anchor Beach, and a girl. Over here I list your parents' names. I have Lena Elizabeth Adams Fosters with Mama in the parenthesis and Stefanie Marie Adams Foster with Mom in parenthesis. With all the kids I talk to it can be hard to keep this information straight."
"I used to have another mother. She died last week. We went to the funeral." Callie said after looking over all of the basic information that the therapist shared. "I didn't know Colleen, but I got a picture from her mom that shows me as a baby. Mama said we would get it framed. It shows her looking at me just like my moms look at me."
"Hmmm, that sounds kind of interesting. Is that confusing for you?"
"Yeah, it is. My birth mom loved me and yet she gave me away. I almost thought that Mama was going to give Jude and me away in Chicago just like that. She didn't, of course, and she said she never would but I know she could. If Colleen who actually gave birth to me and loved me could hand me over to strangers as a baby, I am not sure why Mama and Mom couldn't. I mean, Mom didn't even know me until I was four. That is way past the cute stage. And I can be hard to deal with sometimes. I am stubborn and I can have a bad attitude."
"Yes, I am positive that Colleen loved you. She loved you in a different way, though. Colleen loved baby Callie, but she never really got to know you. Your moms love more than just baby Callie. They are the ones who have shaped who you are. Honestly, Colleen invested about a year and a half of her time for you with the pregnancy and the time she kept you. Your mom has been with you for more than six years; your mama almost ten. Think about it. Sure the baby months are cute, but the ten years after are the best moments. I can promise they aren't going to just leave you somewhere. No matter how bad you think you are, they are all in."
"Well, but maybe something bad will happen and my moms will die just like Colleen. Mama said we had lots of other family, but Colleen had a mom and a brother and some other people I didn't really meet at the funeral. We were given away anyway. What if Mama is wrong about my grandparents taking us in? What if they can't keep all of us?" All the sudden Callie realized all of these feelings were starting to spill out of her like crazy and stopped.
"Well, maybe this is something we could discuss with your mom and maybe as a family at home tonight. Maybe you could include your grandparents to develop a family plan for how all of this would look if something happened. One thing I can assure you on is that your moms are not going to give any of you away. They love you and want to take care of you. Is this making sense?"
"A plan might help. I need to know that I won't be separated from Jude."
"Why Jude and not the others? I mean you and Mari still share a room, right? I thought the two of you were close. Or Brandon? Or Jesus?"
"We are, but Jude is my only real brother. I am all he has in this world and I have to take care of him." Callie said quoting Linda. "The twins have each other and Brandon has Mike, his dad. Jude and I are a set of our own."
"You say Jude is your real brother, what does that mean to you?"
"It means that we had the same mother and we might have the same father. And don't ask if the others are fake or imaginary. That's what my mom said and I don't need to hear that again."
"No, of course not, I just wanted you to define the terms you were using for my notes. So Jude is a real brother and then you have the other three. Do you have a term for them?"
"No, I just call them my brothers and sister."
"Okay, then, are you brothers and sister mean to Jude? Are your moms mean to him? The kids at school? Why does he need you to take care of him?"
"No one is really mean to him. Everyone at my house really likes him. Grandpa Frank, my mom's dad, was mean to him after the twins' adoption. We don't get to see him anymore because Mom said he couldn't come back until he apologized."
"So your mom could take care of it even if it was her father involved. Did you all discuss his apology together at some point?" Callie shook her head for no. "How do you know this information?"
"Mom didn't exactly tell me, I sort of overheard it. She was taking to Grandma. Now we just don't mention him at all at our house."
"Hmm, you should be really careful about things you overhear. That can really lead to some serious misunderstandings. Where does Grandpa Frank live? Did you see him often?"
"He lives here in town. He always said I reminded him of my mom. Sometimes he would babysit and he liked to take me on adventures like to the shooting range. He taught me how to stand up for myself. Now he is gone, but he really isn't. Mom still sees him at least once a week, she just doesn't take us. And I know about listening in to adult conversations, I just like to know what is going on. Sometimes it is the only way."
"So, it feels a little like a loss. Here in a little bit, maybe that is something else to discuss with your mom. I know your family talks about many issues, but this seems like another one to have in the open. Perhaps when your mom is going to see Grandpa Frank you could go sometime? Now, you say that Jude has no one else, but it seems like to me that your moms are taking good care of him. How did you get the idea that it was your job?"
"My birth grandmother, Linda, who is not really like my other grandmothers told me to take care of him because I am all he has. I hadn't really thought about it until then. Now that I know that, I am not letting anything bad happen to him. Not ever."
"You seem to feel strongly about that one. Jude must be very special to you. So, what is your plan for school? Are you going to go and sit with Jude through class? Do his homework with him every night?"
"I hadn't really thought about those things. It sounds like more responsibility. My mom talked to me about that yesterday a little. I took Jude swimming at our hotel so that we could give Mama some space. She was kind of upset. It was a little hard for me, too. Mom said that was responsibility and it was too much for someone my age. I don't think I can be with him all the time at school. I guess I will just protect him at home."
"Taking someone swimming is a big responsibility. One that I would not suggest you do again until you are older. From who are you protecting him from? You already said the most of the time no one is actually mean to him."
"Well, like this morning from Jesus. He was being teased about cutting his own hair. That wasn't nice. I was able to defend him by shoving Jesus down. Or what if he was really bad and he was in trouble. I could handle having his time out or whatever. It would be okay."
"Would that really help Jude? Would it have helped you if Brandon had taken all of your consequences when you did something wrong?"
Callie looked a little perplexed. "I would like it okay if Brandon had been in trouble for me, yes. He is never in trouble enough anyway. So I guess it would help Jude."
"Really think about it. When you do something you know that your moms don't like, don't you feel a little better when you get in some trouble? Plus it is a learning experience. If Jude never got in trouble for anything, he would not grow. I am not sure that this situation is what your birth grandmother had in mind. I am sure she had a part in getting Jude placed with your family because she knew you were being taken care of, not so that you would take care of him. From what I know you are an amazing big sister to all three of your smaller siblings. That is significantly different than actually taking care of any of them. So, how did you know that Jesus was teasing Jude? Were your moms not around?"
"No, they were downstairs. I was getting dressed and I went to check on Jude to make sure he was okay. That's when I saw Jesus being mean to Jude."
"Do you often check on Jude while he is getting ready for school? Does your family knock before they go into someone else's room?"
Callie looked guilty. "Yes, we knock, but I didn't this time. I usually only check on someone in the morning if Mama sends me to. Mama checks on us sometimes, though, so I thought it was part of taking care of Jude."
"Parents in general do check on their kids. You are ten, not a parent. Was Jude crying or upset by Jesus's comments toward him?"
"No… He was more upset when I shoved Jesus, I think. He is little, though, and didn't even know when Grandpa Frank said something mean to him."
"Is it possible that Jesus was just playing with him and neither of them were hurt or angry at all? Do you ever play with any of your siblings like that?"
Callie breathed out deeply knowing this was the truth. "Yes."
"So after school…"
"I will apologize to my brother and I guess my sister too since I also shoved her."
"That is a positive plan. Now about the panic attack. Has this happened before?"
"I don't think so. Can my mom come back in? She has been out there a long time." Callie asked looking more nervous again.
"You know she isn't going to leave while you are here, right? Your mama would be here too, if she could. They both love you very much. If you really want her, I will get your mom right now. Here is the deal, though, I was going to get her in about five minutes. Can you go five minutes more with just me?"
"Of course. I don't need my mom or anything…"
"Okay." The therapist said writing a little. "So, tell me about the panic attack. You said you were very angry right before and don't remember anything else. What was your feeling right before?"
"Like I was losing control." Callie said starting to get even more agitated.
"Are you losing control right now?"
"I really want my mom." Callie said again.
"Callie, what I need for you do to right now is focus on something in this room. Tell me something you can see that is here."
"I don't see my mom…" Callie said obviously headed back into some sort of panic attack.
The therapist quickly went to the waiting room to get Stef. Stef followed her back into the room and put her arms around Callie. "I am right here, Bug." Stef said kissing Callie's head. "Mommy's here. Breath with me like you did for Mama this morning."
Callie's breathing evened. "Can we leave now? I am feeling kind of tired again."
"We can in just a few minutes, Baby." Stef said kissing her daughter again before turning back to the therapist. "So where do we go from here?"
"Well, I think first we all need to talk for a few minutes. Callie, would you like to talk to your mom about what we discussed?" Callie shook her head and curled into her mother a little more. "Remember how we had two things that we were going to talk to her about when she came in to join us? I would really like you to tell her."
Callie was still not speaking up. Stef sat her up a little. "Like I have been telling you, Callie, you can tell me anything. It will help you get better to get a little of this off of your chest. Believe me."
"I want to see Grandpa Frank." Callie blurted out. "He is my family and I don't want you to keep me from him even if he was mean to my brothers."
"I had no idea that you felt so strongly about seeing him. Mama and I will talk about it and see what we can do about that. He is not welcome at our house for a while, but you might be able to come with me sometime when I go see him. Would that work?"
"Yes."
"See, that wasn't so hard. What else did we discuss?"
"We need a family plan. If something happened to you or Mama or both of you. I need to know that we would all be safe and we would all be together. It isn't enough to just say you will always be there. Colleen didn't know she was going to die and you don't know either." Callie said feeling more free.
"That is a little easier. Mama and I already have a plan for you all. If something happened to either of us, Grandma would move back to our area at least for a little while. She would help either of us care of all of you guys. If something happened to both of us, Gram and Gramps would take you to live in Massachusetts with them. My mom said she would also move up there. Mike would work out something with them for his visits with Brandon. See, we have a plan and we have for years. Your mama is a planner. I guess we never told you because we didn't want to frighten you. We would never split up our children or give them to strangers. Is there anything else, Baby?"
"I am sorry that I said you weren't my real mom and that I said Jesus and Mariana weren't my brother and sister. I will apologize when they get home from school. Do you think we could also make some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies for Jesus? They are his favorite."
"I think that is a great plan. You are a great big sister, you know." Stef said giving Callie another kiss. "So, what about these little attacks she is having? She has never done this before and now she has had two."
"As far as I can tell, she doesn't have an anxiety disorder, she has just been through some trauma. The first one was brought on by a fit of rage that might be worse than the attack afterwards. I want you to bring her back here next week. Your homework for this week will be a few things. First, I want you to keep track of anything unusual. Second, I want you all to love on each other as much as possible. Do things as a family. Give all five of your kids extra hugs and kisses. Tell your wife to do the same. Callie, you specifically need to talk to your moms this week. Anytime you are feeling frightened or angry, go find them. Have your mama write you a note for school that says you can go find her if you start feeling like you are losing control."
"Maybe I could stay home from school again?" Callie asked tentatively.
"No, Sweetheart, it is important that you live your life. It is hard to catch up when you miss days of school. You have to go." The therapist said.
Callie looked at Stef who nodded. "She is right. Today you can stay with me, but tomorrow you have to go back. You like school and I think it will feel kind of nice to get back into your normal schedule."
