Chapter Eleven:
The wind was blowing, chilling him to his very core. It had been a long time since he had found the courage to make this trip and even longer since he had known what to say. But today was different. Hikaru no longer felt like he was trapped in the darkness or that he was drowning. The overly obnoxious girl who would not get out of her own way had made his life whole again.
A light smile crossed over his thin lips at the mere thought of Renge, his heart giving an extra beat. He couldn't be sure exactly what was happening to him, but he knew that he wanted to continue to feel the way he felt now for as long as he possibly could.
The gate to the temple squeaked open as Hikaru pushed it aside and entered the long concrete walkway. It had been months since he had been here and yet it felt just like yesterday. Part of him had wondered if Kaoru would hate him for his less frequent visits, but a deeper part of his soul knew his brother would forgive him. Kaoru had always been the kinder brother, the one with the most common sense.
When he finally reached the familiar tomb, Hikaru bowed respectfully before lowering himself down to his knees before his brother's final resting place. "Hello Kaoru."
The wind blew through him again, but this time it was warmer and more comforting. It was as if his brother was welcoming him back to this place of peace and remembrance.
"I know it's been a long time since I've been here and I'm sorry. I should come more often, lord knows you probably need the attention." He quipped, the corners of his lips pulling up in a light smile. "I haven't had much to say and I've been preoccupied... With Renge."
He paused, closing his eyes and smiling lightly at the memories of his last couple of months with Renge flooded his memories.
"I know what you're going to say." He could practically hear his brother's incredulous tone as he questioned Hikaru's sanity. "But she isn't anything like what we made her out to be. She's annoying sometimes, and strong willed and dead set on having things her way. That much was true. But there is so much more to her as well. She's smart and funny and kind and caring. She doesn't ask too much of me but pushes in her own way. She understands how hard all of this was for me."
He glanced at the words still etched into the stone, his heart lurching slightly. "She's a lot like you, actually." He continued to explain. "She reminds me of you more than you would know and in some sick and twisted way, maybe that is why I fell for her. Maybe it's because she gave me a piece of you that I thought I had lost or maybe its just because she is amazing."
He didn't need to overthink it, he knew how he felt and he knew that those feelings were not going to go away any time soon. Renge had brought out a life in him he thought had been extinguished along with his brother. "She's made me better. Forced me out of the darkness and back into the light and I love her."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, honestly this time and not on accident, it felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "I didn't think I would ever be able to love someone again. Losing you was too hard; it took something from me that I thought would be gone forever. I never thought I would be able to let anyone into my heart again. I was sure the only way I could keep on living in this fucked up world was to pretend I was above it all and to convince myself I would never need anyone again."
He took a deep steadying breath. "But I don't think I can be without her anymore. I think what I really needed was someone to convince me I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I could go on living because you forgave me for all the mistakes that were made."
Again the wind blew through him, what he took to be a sign of his brother's forgiveness.
"I'm taking her out on another date tonight. We're planning a trip to go to Paris and see her family. But that's not the only reason I'm here." A brighter smile captured his lips. "We're going to be big brothers, you see."
His mother had invited him over for dinner just a couple of nights before and had revealed the big news. She was expecting another baby and, if the doctors were to be believed, they were going to be having a little girl. Hikaru and Kaoru had never quite grown up themselves, but he had always wondered what it would be like to have a little version of themselves running around. Someone to dress up and coddle and love unconditionally.
Kaoru would have loved the idea.
"Mother is pregnant and she's going to be having a baby girl in a couple of months, a little sister. But don't worry. I'll tell her all about you. I'll teach her all of the games we played together and all of the tricks we pulled on our parents. She's going to love you, even if she has to wait her whole life to meet you." He could feel it, the sadness weighing on the edges of his heart.
What had been meant to be a happy conversation was suddenly turning dark. "I'm so sorry, Kaoru." The tears were rimming his eyes now. "I'm so sorry that you'll never get to meet our baby sister. I'm so sorry that you'll never fall in love or get married or have children of your own. I'm so sorry that I'm continuing on with my life when I should be here beside you."
He took a shuddering breath, brushing the tears from his eyes. "But no matter how sorry I am, I can't change the past and I know now more than ever you would never want me to be unhappy. So I'm going to be honest. I'm going to tell her how much I love her. I'm going to give her every part of my shattered soul and I'm going to honor your memory every step of the way."
Slowly he rose to his feet, bowing gently before the tomb in respect before placing his hand upon its edge. "I'll be back in a few weeks to keep you updated on it all." He promised, turning his back on his brother's grave.
See you soon, Kaoru.
