The last time I'd seen Dorian, it was when we released magic back to Erilea, and then we'd all left him. I still feel so shitty about that; I feel like we've all abandoned him. He doesn't deserve that, after all he's been through, being left alone to rot in his darkest thoughts. But there was something so bright about him the last time I saw him...when his magic was at its peak, having finally tasted pure, magic-filled air, and we joined hands, our fire and ice intertwining and becoming one…
We connected; we meshed. It was more than our magic becoming one, we were becoming one. The light I saw and felt in him was so purely good, something I'd never felt before. Everyone, even Chaol who I once thought was perfect, or Rowan who I had entrusted my life, has proven they have some darkness in them. But Dorian has always been good, always pure. He's too good for me, I know, but there's something about the way our magic flows together, like we were meant to be. Like the gods and the stars put us here to be together. I don't deserve him.
After the siege on the glass castle, Dorian's stayed in a safehouse near Anielle. Only Chaol and I know his true whereabouts, for his own safety. It's a quaint cottage like home, and I can see him puttering around in the kitchen, cooking something. I roll my eyes - damned fool, leaving the curtains open for all to see! He's supposed to be hidden from the world, not seen through a window! But with the surrounding mountains and forests, I guess only us three really know this house even exists.
I near the door to the cottage, my heart tightening and my breathing quickening. I clench and unclench my sweaty fists repeatedly - how can I face him? After all this time without seeing him, without checking to see if he's been alright...oh, Gods, he hates me, doesn't he?
I pause at the front door and try to think of something plausible to explain why I'm here, but suddenly it seems this is a severe overreaction. But this is more than Rowan's betrayal, isn't it? I do miss Dorian, and that glimpse of him through the window is enough to make me want more. I need to see him; I knock on the door.
Not wanting him to think somebody's discovered his whereabouts, I call, "Dorian? It's Aelin."
The door opens hesitantly, and a pair of bright, sapphire eyes greets me. "Aelin! Come in!" he greets me cheerfully.
I follow him into the cottage and he closes the door behind me. He's wearing an apron with flour dusted on it - so he is cooking. I chuckle. Of all the things the King of Adarlan can do, I never assumed cooking would be one of them. He leads me into the kitchen where the aroma of pie hits me instantly, it's so warm and inviting. Leave it to Dorian to make a safehouse homely.
Dorian sits down at a small, rectangular table and gestures for me to do the same. I fold and unfold my arms, still nervous, as I sit. Why had he invited me in so kindly? Doesn't he hate me for leaving him all this time?
He looks like he's going to say something, probably ask why I'm here, but I cut him off. "I'm sorry I haven't seen you in so long. I know how hard things have been, because of Sorscha then the collar, but I had to go to Terrasen. I would've sent word, to check in on you sooner, but that would compromise both of our locations. I'm sorry," I blurt.
Dorian blinks and then smiles his snarky grin, as if this is amusing to him. "Aelin, I know you had to go back to Terrasen. I don't blame you for that; I'd never do that. I am glad to see you, though, it's been a real long while…" He pauses and bites his bottom lip. "So, why, exactly, are you here?"
I can't explain about Rowan without sounding like a spoiled brat complaining about her relationship issues - oh, Gods, are we even in a relationship anymore? - so I just tell him about the mission being compromised. He nods and squints his eyes a little, listening and asking the appropriate questions from time to time as I tell him every last thing that's happened while living at the safehouse. While I blabber on and on, he continues baking, and I notice after the pie is done he begins making a cake. A chocolate cake - for me.
When I'm done telling the story, and the cake is almost done, Dorian sits down again with his pie. "Who was it that ruined the mission?" A ghastly look swims on his face. He grabs my hands in his smooth, warm ones and squeezes them. "Is that why you're here, Aelin? Are you in danger?" The look in his blue eyes tells me he's prepared to do anything to keep me safe here with him.
Holding back tears at the thought of what Rowan did, I shake my head. "No, no. It was an inside job. Someone...someone didn't want me to go on the mission." I look up at him, embarrassment in my eyes. Chaol and Dorian would never have done that to me, to the cause. I know they trust my judgement and my abilities.
He nods as if he fully understands. "I see." He gets up and takes the finished cake - now cooled and frosted - and brings it to the table along with utensils. He won't start on his pie until I take a bite of the cake. Always the gentleman.
It's extremely good. Perfect, even. Rich and chocolatey and filling… "Mmm," I moan as I practically inhale a second bite.
The rest of the night goes along faster than I'd like, and Dorian and I banter back and forth without missing a beat. Things just click with us, and go right back to how they should be, and suddenly it's like we're at the glass castle during the King's Champion competition, when Dorian and I spent all of our time together…
When Dorian and I were together.
After we ate, he told me about how he's honed his once poor cooking skills while he's been here. "I've had a lot of free time, alone, you know," he said, which made me feel bad again even though the tone in his voice held not one shred of anger. Then he took me on a short tour of the cottage before we watched the sunset from the bedroom window. I told him it wasn't safe to leave the curtains open while he's in hiding, which made him blush so red, which made me giggle. So we ran around closing all the curtains, laughing and joking together.
I really needed this. Some time away from all the stress and the duties of being a queen. Spending time with Dorian has reminded me that it's okay to play around, even with what's going on...Rowan has been so serious, glaring at me whenever I try to joke around or spend a little extra time in the bedroom with him.
"There's a war going on, Aelin. Tell me you understand that?" he'd berate me. I'd scoff and roll my eyes, which would make him growl, so I'd laugh, and he'd get protective again. An endless cycle. It felt nice, at first, to have someone protecting me all the time. To watch my back and keep me from falling. But now it just feels so suffocating, like Rowan doesn't think I'm capable of taking care of myself.
Dorian throws another log into the fireplace, causing the fire to crackle and spark. I smirk. "I could just feed it, you know." I snap and spark my own flames which dance on my fingertips.
He chuckles. "But that would be too easy, My Queen. The assassin I know has always been up for a challenge." He sinks down next to me on the floor, crossing his legs. "Or have you gone soft?"
In an instant I change my form, my ears coming to a point and my teeth sharpening and my magic growing warmer within. I tackle Dorian and pin him down, his raven black hair only mere inches from the glowing fireplace. I hold his arms above his head, leaving him helpless, and growl at him. This close to him, I notice he has flour in his hair, too. And I notice the dark circles under his eyes - how could I not have seen them earlier? - most likely from his nights full of restlessness.
He just stares me down, laughing. "There she is!" he laughs. I sit up, still on top of him, and shift back into my human appearance. I frown, remembering that despite his carefree laugh, he's been through so much in just a few months. He props himself up on his elbows and gazes into my eyes. The fire snaps and cracks.
"What's the matter?"
"It was Rowan. Who messed with the mission...who...who betrayed us. Me. Whatever," I'm blabbering, I know, but I also know that Dorian won't mind or judge me for it. He reaches up and wipes a stray tear I didn't even know I had from my cheek.
I realize I'm still on top of him, so I climb off and wrap my arms around my knees, pulling them to my chest. Dorian sits up and stares into the fire. "I haven't gotten to know Rowan, but I know what he means to you. I'm sorry, Aelin; no one deserves to be betrayed by the ones they love."
There's a deeper meaning to those words that hits me in the gut, but I continue on about Rowan. Like the selfish bitch I am. I've come all this way to Dorian, interrupting his safety and serenity, while he's probably been rebuilding himself after having been possessed and then attacked, but I'm going on about my own problems. Meaningless problems, at that. But I can't help it, I don't stop. "That's the thing, though...he said he was doing it for me, because he didn't want to see me hurt! But I'm Adarlan's Assassin, and Queen of Terrasen - after all, I should be trusted to make decisions!"
Dorian doesn't break his stare at the flames, but his voice snaps at me. "I don't blame him."
I'm baffled and a little thrown - first of all, he snapped at me, which I don't think he's ever done, and secondly, he agrees with Rowan?! "What?" I say, slack-jawed.
He turns to me and his eyes are red and wet. "He loves you and made a decision to protect you, to possibly save your life. If Sorscha was alive, I'd do anything to make sure she'd stay that way."
"Even if it meant betraying her? And destroying a possible alliance that would mean saving the entire continent?" I snap back at him. I feel like such a bitch right now, but I have to hold strong. What kind of queen would I be if I can't?
His voice gets small and gentle as tears slip from his eyes. "I don't know, Aelin. I'll never be faced with that choice. I'm just saying that you shouldn't throw away your relationship with him because he wants to keep you safe."
"I'm not throwing away my relationship with him!" I get up on my feet and begin pacing back and forth.
"Aelin -"
"Things are just complicated right now! And I can keep myself safe, thank you very much!" My voice is raising with every sentence.
"Aelin -"
"For Gods' sake, if we lose the war because of this, I'll -"
"Aelin!"
Dorian is on his feet now, too, trying to get me to stand still, but I can't. I'm pissed as hell, and I'm too wound up to quit stirring. "It'll be my fault," I sigh, trying to calm down. "Without this alliance...if we lose...it'll be on me…" I stop my pacing and turn around to see him.
"Aelin, losing the war couldn't possibly be your fault. There are dozens of reasons why we could lose, but you will never be one of them."
Fuck it - I cry. I let the tears pour out of me as I collapse into his chest. He smells like home; he feels like home, too. He wraps his arms around me, holding and supporting me so I don't fall down. He's petting my hair, whispering "shh". He doesn't question me or judge me or make me feel inadequate. He makes me feel okay, like breaking down and crying isn't a sign of weakness.
"Dorian?" I snivel up at him.
"Hm?"
"Can I go to bed? It was a long trek here…"
Dorian's hold on me eases and he plants a kiss on the top of my head. "Of course. I showed you the bedroom, right? I'll just grab some blankets and let you rest."
No way - he seriously doesn't think he's sleeping on the couch, does he? I shake my head at him and grab his hand, leading him to the bedroom. In a completely platonic way, I remind myself.
Dorian seems to be just as exhausted as I am, so he doesn't even bother arguing. He goes to the bathroom to change his clothes then pauses. "Do you want a change of clothes? You can wear something of mine, if you'd like. It doesn't appear you've brought any clothes...or anything at all."
"I was a bit rushed on my way out," I admit. He gives me one of his shirts that smells deliciously like him and I take it gratefully. I rip off my tunic and leggings quickly, standing only in my undergarments, and throw on his shirt. It's long enough to cover my butt, so I don't bother putting on the pants he offered me.
I climb into bed beside him and snuggle up close next to him. It's been so long since I've slept in a bed alone, I'm not sure if I'll ever be comfortable going back to sleeping alone ever again.
Then I think of Rowan, sleeping alone tonight in our bed. What would he think if he knew I was sharing a bed with Dorian tonight? Sharing a bed with my ex? I shove those thoughts down and breathe Dorian's familiar scent in. He's all I need right now - not Rowan, not Terrasen, not anything. Just him.
