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CHAPTER NINE "Desperation"
Lily lay in her bed, eyes wide in the darkness. Images were flashing through her mind at an incredible speed. First, there were ones from the past, when Lily and Severus hung out together and played as children, the good times they had before James. Then, more recent memories: James flirting with women, hitting her, drinking with Sirius. Then she began to picture how her future might look like: sitting in James' apartment in the dark, waiting for him to come home, drunk out of his mind, so he could take his rage out on her. James bringing home other women, and telling her to stay in the bathroom so they could have privacy. Wanting to leave, opening the front door, but unable to go further, being pulled back by an invisible force. James on top of her, kissing her with breath that smelt like firewhiskey.
Lily shuddered. She had no doubt that those things would happen. Maybe they would even start tomorrow, after James took her to his apartment. A single, silent tear dripped from the corner of her eye, and fell onto a crinkled corner of parchment that was sticking out from under her pilllow: Severus' letters.
Not too far away, Severus stirred in his sleep, dreaming of a woman with a flaming waterfall of hair cascading down her back, and with wide emerald green eyes.
Lily was still awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking, when the morning sun peeked over the horizon. Still awake when Severus rose, his thoughts full of his Sweet Lily, hoping his dreams might come true.
Lily paced back and forth in her room, trying to think what to do. She knew her mother must have told her father about James last night. Mrs. Evans would make him stay home from work, so he could confront James.
Lily couldn't let her family get hurt! If only she still had her wand, she would hex James all the way to hell, where he could live with all the other devil spawn. But she didn't, so she would have to find a muggle way of remedying the situation.
She would have to find some way of preventing her mother from talking to Sev, and a way to keep her parents from talking to James. And she would have to do it soon.
Lily opened her bedroom door and walked down the hallway. She could hear the shower running in the bathroom, and her father humming a tune. She silently went down to the garage, tiptoeing past the kitchen, where her mother was making breakfast, and took a screwdriver from her father's toolbox. Her father was still humming when she got back to the bathroom. Lily took a deep breath before she started. Using the screwdriver she removed the knob from the door, and pulled it out. She could hear the knob from the other side plunk onto the tiled bathroom floor, but the shower water still was running, so Mr. Evans probably hadn't noticed it.
Lily shoved the knob and the screwdriver into her pocket and went back downstairs.
"Mum?" Lily said entering the kitchen. "Do you know where my old schoolbooks are?" Of course Lily knew they were in the basement, but she wanted her mother to get them, so she could lock her down there.
Mrs. Evans ignored the question at first, and instead studied her daughter's pale, drawn face, the dark circles under her eyes.
"Are you okay, Lily?" Mrs. Evans asked.
"Yes, but I need the books because.." Lily tried to think of a good reason. "I think I remember a potion that might be able to cancel out the one James gave to me. I just can't remember where I saw it..."
Mrs. Evans face lit up. "Really? So you can get rid of the effects his potion had on you?"
"Yes, but I need the books."
"Just sit down, and I'll get them for you. They're in the basement." Mrs. Evans started for the doorway, but before she could leave, Lily hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Mum."
Mrs. Evans patted Lily on the back and smiled. "I love you too, dear. Now let me go get those books for you, so we can fix this."
Lily watched her mother open the door that led to the basement, and close the door behind her. Lily slid the small metal rod into the lock so the door couldn't be opened. Then she went to the living room and collapsed on the couch, her eyes stuck on the front door.
What was she doing, locking her parents up so they couldn't help her? She didn't even know what was going to happen next. James would probably just take her away, and she would never see her parents again. That is, if he didn't do something horrible to them first because they found out about him. How could she hide the fact that they knew about him? Maybe she could just say that they weren't at home, and she had told them that they were going to get married, and they didn't want a wedding. She would find some way to convince him.
A sudden banging sound made her jump.
"Lily! Let me out!" Mrs. Evans screamed from downstairs. "Lily! Don't do this! Let us help you!"
Lily wandered back over to the basement door. "I can't let you out, because you'll talk to Sev, and then you'll try to get rid of James. I can't let you get hurt. I have to protect you. Just remember that I always love you, Mum, and I'm doing this for you, and Dad and Petunia."
"Lily Evans, you let me out right now!"
Lily ignored her mother and decided to brings the things she had packed downstairs for when James came.
"Kathy? Lily? Petunia? Anybody there?" Lily saw her father's eye peeking through the hole where the knob had been.
"I'm here, Daddy." Lily knelt by the door.
"The knob must have come loose... is the other part on that side?"
"I have it," Lily said.
"Could you put it back in so I can get out?"
"No, I can't let you out."
Mr. Evans' eye looked surprised. "Why not?"
"Because I don't want you talking to James."
"Lily, is this about what your mother told me last night about James forcing you to marry him?"
Lily didn't answer.
"Lily, we have to stop this. I won't let you marry that man."
"I'm doing it to protect all of you. If I don't, he'll do horrible things to you. You can't stop him from taking me, anyway. He has magic." Lily got up.
"Lily, where are you going? You let me out!" Mr. Evans started pounding against the door.
Lily entered her room. It was like she was in a fog. She locked her parents up. She was going to marry James. None of it seemed real. She grabbed the two bags that she had packed the night before, and she swept her eyes over her room sadly. Her eyes landed on the parchment corner that was sticking out from under her pillow. She couldn't take the letters with her, or James might read them and go after Severus. She tore her eyes away from the paper that contained words of love, and closed her bedroom door behind her.
Her mother was still pounding on the door when Lily placed her bags by the front door. It matched the pounding headache Lily now had from lack of sleep. Maybe she could take a nap on the couch until Severus came...but no, what if her parents got out? No, she had to stay awake.
There was a soft knock at the front door. Lily's heart jumped with unexpected happiness. It must be Severus, because James pounded much harder.
Lily opened the door, and there was Severus, his hair neatly combed, dressed in what looked brand-new robes.
"Hi, Lily!" Severus said, lighting up at the sight of her. Lily smiled sadly at his enthusiasm.
"Why don't we talk out here? It's so beautiful out," Lily said, not wanting Severus to hear her parents banging. She closed the front door and sat down on the stoop.
Severus sat beside her, and looked down at his clasped hands. He had planned on what he would say to Lily, but now that he was with her, he couldn't get any of the words out. In fact, he couldn't even remember them.
Lily was equally quiet, but for a different reason: she didn't want to see the disappointed look on Severus' face when she told him she was marrying James. But it had to happen, so might as well get it over with.
"Severus," Lily looked at him, and their eyes met. Lily could practically see his desire to be with her in those glowing black pupils. She knew he wanted to reach out and grab her hand. Knew that he wanted to kiss her. But he didn't, and she was glad, because it would have made this harder. "I'm getting married to James. I'm moving in with him today."
Lily pulled her eyes away from his, because she could not stand to see the confusion and sadness there. For some reason, this was even harder then locking her parents up.
"I can't see you anymore. James probably wouldn't like it."
Severus stared at Lily. when he left yesterday, he had a feeling everything might work out, especially when Lily kissed him on the cheek. He had felt something between them. She had told him to come back to talk And now, she was getting married. So that's it. It's over.
"I am so sorry," Lily said, and Severus was surprised, for her voice was full of regret. "I..I wish we could become friends again, but James wouldn't like it."
Severus thought, "So what if James didn't like it?" Maybe he would come visit Lily anyway, because it seemed like Lily really wanted to be friends with him again.
"Severus, please don't come and see me anymore. I don't want you to." Lily knew what he was thinking. She couldn't even imagine what James would do if he saw Severus on the threshold of his apartment.
"Well, I guess I should say congratulations, then, " Severus said, finally speaking, and not knowing what else to say.
Lily was contemplating what she wanted to say. If she brought it up, it might make this situation worse, but she needed to say it.
"Severus, I read your letters."
"My what?"
"The letters you wrote to me. You buried them under that rose bush in front of the house in a metal box. My father pulled up the bush and found it. 'To My Beloved Lily' was carved on the top."
Severus was stunned; he never thought that box would be found. He had written Lily letters about how he felt, how they could have a wonderful life together, all the thoughts and feelings he couldn't say to her face. Then, before he left his parent's house, he put the letters in that box, and buried them under the rosebush. It felt a little like he was giving Lily the letters, even though he knew she would never read them.
Severus didn't know how to reply; she had read all his feelings and thoughts. She knew EVERYTHING.
"I never thought you would read those," Severus whispered.
"I'm glad I did," Lily said, leaning a bit closer to Severus. "Because otherwise, I never would have realized how you felt about me. Or how I felt about you." What was she doing? She had to shut up, before things went too far...but Severus' pull was to strong. She was being drawn in. She couldn't stop herself.
Severus looked at her questioningly. "How do you feel about me?"
Lily looked at him. Instead of speaking her feelings, she leaned closer and their lips met. She could feel Severus tense up, then relax.
Her lips were on fire. Her heart was beating so hard, she thought it was going to pop out of her chest. Her senses seemed more alert then they ever had. The bright sun was warm upon them, she could smell the fresh air, hear the birds in the trees... She could practically feel Severus' passion beneath his skin as he placed his hands on her cheeks.
Lily suddenly pulled away. She couldn't do this! This was the opposite of what what she was intending to do. She couldn't get involved with Severus, for his own safety.
"Lily..." Severus was looking at her with an expression that was full of hope. She actually felt the same way he did.
"You have to go, Sev." Lily looked away. "I'm really sorry."
"But why?"
"Severus, this can't happen. It's just not possible."
"Lily, do you love me?" Severus stared intensely at Lily, until she broke.
"Go away!" Lily cried, tears starting. "I can't do this. I can't."
"Why not?" Severus said, feeling a bit crazy, maybe high on Lily's kiss. He felt a bit satisfied knowing that Lily might prefer him, the kid people always bullied, to James, who was always so popular. "You can tell James to forget it, and we can leave together.."
"No!" Lily leapt up. "We can't! You have to go, before James comes!"
"Maybe I'll stay, and.. "
Lily cried harder. "Don't, please, just go, and don't ever come back. He would find us if we left. And I can't leave, anyway."
"Lily, we can make this work," Severus said, afraid now, desperate not to lose Lily, especially since he knew she felt the same. He couldn't understand why she couldn't call the wedding off. If she was that in love with James, she would never have kissed him like that.
"No!" Lily screamed, tears running down her face and plopping to the ground. "I don't love you. I don't want to ever see you again!" Lily grasped the front door knob, knowing her words contradicted what she had just done, what she had felt when she kissed Severus, what they both had felt. "Go away! Don't ever come back! Please, just don't ever come back!" Lily, half pleading, half yelling, went back into her house, and slammed the front door on Severus. She sank to the ground, her back against the door, wishing she could just die. She could hear her mother and father's pounding, and Severus' voice on the other side of the door calling her name, desperately pleading with her. How could she kiss him like that, give him hope, then snatch it away?
She couldn't stay here any more, she couldn't wait for James to come to her, listening to the people she loved pleading with her to let them help. She would go to James. She grabbed her bags, and ran out the back door. She heard the upstairs bathroom door crack as her father finally managed to break it down. She continued running. From her family, from Severus, and toward her worst nightmare. Toward her bad decision.
AHH! I loved this chapter so much! Poor Severus! It tore me apart to write this! And I feel bad for Lily, too, because she's so intent upon saving her family and Severus, that she never stopped to think maybe they CAN help her.
I can't wait to post the next chapter.
Hope you all take the time to review, and thanks in advance.
Dementors ;)