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Chapter 23 "Aftermath"

Lily sighed as she sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed her eyes with the edge of her quilt. The morning sunlight that leaked through the window annoyed her; it was full of promises of happiness and joy..but where was it for her?

Severus' missing presence was like torture to her soul, it weighed heavily upon her every day, and it felt she was slowly wasting away without him. It had only been two weeks so far since he was taken away, but she felt like it had been years.

More tears trickled over her pale cheeks and she wiped them away, too. She felt hollow inside; lost, defeated. Although they had won against James, she felt like a part of her was missing, the part that had gone with Severus to prison and wouldn't return until he came back. She wanted Severus to hold her, and she wanted to hold him. The thought of them being together finally, without fear of James gave her hope, but it disappeared when she realized she was alone right now.

The small clock on her bedside table beeped its wake-up call squeakily, pulling her forcefully from her depressing thoughts. She should get dressed, it was almost time for her to go to work. She had taken a full-time position at St. Mungo's, desperate to do anything to take her mind off Severus. As she went about her day, taking care of her patients, she focused on them completely, and didn't think about Sev at all. But when she got home, the longing for him almost doubled, sometimes making her feel so weak that she had to lie down, and she felt exhausted with depression.

Lily stood, pulled her nightshirt off, and reached for her white healer's attire, that was resting on the back of her desk chair. As she did so, she was careful not to glance at herself in the mirror. James' words were still carved into her skin; the healers had been unable to remove them at the hospital, and she avoided looking down at her stomach unless absolutely necessary. Every time she happened to glance at the now healed marks, she had vivid images of that day where James raped her.

When that horrible sneering face popped into her mind, she needed Severus more then ever, but instead she contented herself with wrapping her arms around herself and taking deep, steadying breaths, fighting to keep control.

Her hand brushed against one of the raised white scars as she pulled her uniform down, and she shuddered, remembering the weight of James upon her, whispering in her ear, telling her that she was pregnant. She quickly pulled her hand away from her stomach, not inclined to think about the baby. Along with the humility and shame of being raped, guilt weighed upon her because she was glad that the baby had died. Did that make her a bad person? She was glad that she didn't have to make a decision whether to keep it or not...it was like a blessing that it had happened the way it did, and she was grateful for it. After she learned that she had a miscarriage, a certain happiness overcame her, relieved at being rid of James' spawn. Then she felt instantly guilty; it was an innocent child. It wasn't the child's decision that its mother should be raped. But it was the child who paid the price. Lily contented herself with the reasoning that it wasn't meant to be, and that's why it didn't survive; her body just couldn't take it.

Lily took a deep breath, trying to clear her mind before going downstairs for breakfast. She had, of course, told her family everything that happened, even the most embarrassing, humiliating parts. They were unhappy about Severus going to prison, and livid at the things James had done to her. The only thing they didn't know about were the marks on her stomach. For some reason, she didn't want them to know about that; she had skimmed over that part of the story.

Lily looked at herself in the mirror, making sure her eyes weren't too red and her face was dry before going downstairs. As she came into the kitchen, her mother and father looked up at her with concerned eyes as they had every morning after the incident.

"Good morning, Lily. Are you alright?" Mrs. Evans asked, studying her daughter's face, taking in the weary, depressed look that was plastered over it.

"I'm fine," Lily responded quietly. "Just coffee for me this morning."

"Are you feeling sick?" Mrs. Evans shot a worried glance at her daughter, and Mr. Evans frowned behind his newspaper.

"No. I'm just late." Lily lied. The truth was, the sight of food had been nauseating to her lately. She knew she had lost weight due to her lack of appetite, but she didn't care. Her only thought was if Severus was getting enough to eat.

Mrs. Evans heard the tortured tone in her daughter's voice though, behind the lie, and put down her frying pan before enveloping Lily in her arms.

"Honey, if you need to talk, please I'm here for you."

Lily had told them what happened to her, but she had not really talked about it. When she got home on the day of Severus' trial, it was late, and Kingsley, who had accompanied her home from the hospital, was with her. She had told her family the straight up facts, with dry eyes, as Kingsley stood close next to her, almost as if there to support her. Then she went up to her room without another word, and Kingsley had left after promising the Evans that he would stop by in a few days. Since then, when Mrs. Evans prodded her, sure she needed to talk after all she'd been through; the rape, the miscarriage, Severus' trial, Lily would shake her head and walk away.

Lily breathed in the scent of her mother's perfume, letting it wash over her like a cloud of familiar safety. But she didn't want to talk to her mother; she wanted to talk to Severus. She quickly stepped out of her mother's crushing embrace before she started crying again. Losing control in front of her parents was not something that Lily wanted to do. They had to believe she was okay. Without realizing it, Lily was doing the very thing that got her into this mess in the first place; she was trying to take care of things by herself, not accepting anyone else's help.

"I don't need to talk. I'm fine." Lily said, feeling horrible at the look of hurt that crossed her mother's face. She knew her mother wanted to be there for her, and share her pain, but she didn't want to talk about it, she couldn't. Only with Severus could she relieve her feelings.

"Alright, honey. But when you feel like you need to talk..."

"I don't!" Lily cried out, fed up with her mother's nagging, although she knew she was only trying to help.

"Lily." her father stood, placing his paper on the table, alarmed at Lily's reaction to his wife's words. "We're here for you."

"I'm leaving." Lily could feel hot tears pressing against her lids, threatening to fall from her eyes. She had kept herself together pretty well in front of her family so far, and she wanted to continue that way. "I'm going to be late."

She turned on her heel and left the room before her parents could reply. She slammed the front door behind her, making the frame rattle. Fresh tears fell to the concrete as she spun on the spot, heading for the hospital. She had to focus on her work now, not Severus, not her parents, nothing. Just healing people.

The thought never crossed her mind that maybe she should work on healing herself as well, because she was tearing apart the people that loved her most in the world.