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Chapter 24 "Missing Sev"

Kingsley sat across Lily in her living room, clasping his hands together tightly. He didn't want to tell her his news, but she had to know. Lily watched him, her eyes dull and dark circles underneath them, making her look old and tired.

"Lily, I'm sorry, but we haven't been able to find an antidote to the potion. We tried everything, but I'm afraid there's no cure." Kingsley looked at the young woman apologetically, fearing that she would break down, but Lily just stared back at him, eyes clouded, and nodded. She let his words wash over her, taking it in, a dull throb of disappointment rising in her. She didn't know what it could mean; would she be able to marry Sev if the potion was still coursing through her blood? She wasn't sure. But that was if he even survived Azkaban. She would be bound to James forever, but he surely couldn't make her do anything while he was is prison, could he? It didn't seem to bother her as much as she thought it would; it seemed unimportant, just a little heart-breaking, but not end-of-the-world stuff.

"Lily," Kingsley grasped her hand gently, unnerved by the woman's lack of response. "We'll keep trying, I swear, but I don't think there's a cure. I'm sorry."

"Thank you for trying, anyway." Lily pulled her hand out of the Auror's grasp, even though it was comforting, and he looked at her sympathetically. His heart sank at the sight of the broken Lily; her eyes which usually sparkled were dull now, and her face, which had always been flushed in excitement when she was with Severus was pale as a dead man.

"Lily, are you okay? Do you need to talk? Because I'm here, if you need." Kingsley reached out a hand towards her again, but Lily's eyes flashed as she moved away, out of reach.

"I'm fine." she tried to keep her voice even. Why couldn't they all just leave her be, and let her deal by herself?

"Okay," Kingsley said quietly. He was extremely worried about Lily, but the worst thing he could do was push her. She knew that when she was ready, she would come to him. He just hoped it would be soon. The Auror stood to leave, sneaking another glance at Lily, hoping she would call him back and accept his offer to help, but she was looking the other way, away from him. He sighed softly, and left the room. He met her parents in the hallway.

"Lily is not well." he looked at the pair, sharing their concern for their daughter. "She's not living in this world. She has lost touch with reality."

"I keep trying to talk to her, and she won't have it," Mrs. Evans stifled a sob. "She changed so much so soon, it's unnerving. I don't know what to do."

Mr. Evans put an arm around his wife, trying to comfort her, but it looked like he needed comfort, too. Kingsley was surprised to see tears forming in the father's eyes.

Kingsley sighed, lost for an answer. "I'm not sure, either, but when she's ready, she'll talk. Just make sure you're there for her when she does. It might take a while, but I'm sure she will realize that she needs to let everything out. I'll stop by again soon. Good night." Kingsley nodded at the Evans, pulled his cloak over his head to protect him from the rain outside, and left the Evans' residence.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans peered into the living room where their daughter was still sitting, head in her hands now, and had no idea how to proceed. They supposed Kingsley was right, that they had to let Lily come to them. But it was so hard. They fought the urge to go to their daughter, knowing she would push them away again, and decided to listen to Kingsley's advice.

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That night, Lily lay awake, as she had been doing every night recently, and stared at the ceiling. The dark pressed against her pupils as she absently traced the scars carved into her chest, thinking about what Kingsley had told her. She would be bound to James for the rest of her life. It didn't matter if he was locked up or not, she would always feel him inside her, his potion inside her. She thought she could be free, but she couldn't. She would never be able to detach herself from the monster who made her life hell. But it wouldn't matter, as long as she had Severus, he would even it out. She could forget about James, if only Sev were here.

Lily reached under her pillow, and fingered the worn parchment that lied there. Severus' letters. She gripped them tightly in her hand, crumpling them slightly, and felt like she was going to die from loneliness. An overwhelming desire to be near Severus suddenly and painfully consumed her, and she sat up in the dark. She needed him right now. She had to go to him. But she didn't know where Azkaban was, or how to get there, and even if she did, she knew they didn't allow visitors.

Where else could she...the potion's shop. He said he had a little apartment over his shop, that he inherited when the previous owner passed on. She threw the blankets back and released her grip on the letters. Not even realizing she was still wearing her nightgown and bare feet, Lily grabbed her wand and spun on the spot in her room, her toes catching in the plush carpet.

When she opened her eyes again, she was in Diagon Alley, staring at the potion storefront. The street was dark and desolate, devoid of its usual hustle and bustle and laughter in the late hour, and made her spirits drop lower. Cold rain quickly dampened her hair and clothes as she whispered the spells to take the protective charms off the shop. The front door creaked opened as she pushed it, and she stepped inside onto the rough wooden floor, her feet protesting as several splinters pushed their way into her skin. Pungent smells filled her nose as she breathed deeply; herbs, dust, barrels of beetle eyes and newt tails.

Lily spotted the door that led to the back room right away, and was there in a flash, her wand held in front of her to light the way. It was a small, square room. There were boxes full of overflow supplies, clearly marked as to their contents, neatly stacked along the walls. At the back of the room a swirling staircase stood, leading up to the second floor.

Lily took the steps two at a time, stairs creaking under her weight, and excitement coursing through her for the first time in what felt like forever. The door at the top of the stairs literally beckoned to her, egging her on, to come turn the knob. So she did.

The room was dark, like the rest of the shop. Lily shot a spell at the ceiling so the lights popped on. It illuminated the small but neat room. There were three doors leading off of the main sitting area, which contained a couch, a muggle tv and radio, and a large bookshelf. Lily slid her hand across the books as she went past them, making a thin trail in the thick dust that had settled on them.

One of the doors led to a bathroom, and the other to a small kitchen. Lily pushed open the last one and found herself in Severus' bedroom. It was as neat as the rest of the apartment. The closet door was slightly ajar, and Lily could see black folds of fabric hanging there. She reached in, pulling one of the sets of robes off its hanger, and pressed it to her face, inhaling Severus' scent. She gripped the robes tightly to her chest, holding on to them like they were her lifeline, and slipped between the sheets of the neatly made bed.

As she sunk into the soft mattress, some relief came over her; she was surrounded by Severus. She hugged his robes tightly to her as she snuggled deeper under his covers, imagining him beside her, his comforting arms around her. But he wasn't here. She could feel her throat burning, tears pressing through her cold lids, and she let them come, drenching her face and washing away the rainwater, leaving salty streaks. The pillow soon became drenched and heavy with her tears. She could almost feel Severus' ghostly hand brushing against her cheek, telling her not to worry, that he was fine, and he wanted her to be fine.

But she could could never be fine, not after everything, not if he wasn't here. Sev was her stronghold during that time when she was trying to escape from James, he was the thing that made her keep trying. Without him, it wasn't worth anything, because without him, she would still be with James, getting tortured, beaten, and raped. It was Severus who had saved her, freed her, and he was imprisoned for it.

"Only three months, Lily." Severus phantom whisper resonated in her mind. The last things he said to her as he was trying to stay calm during his last moments with her.

But three months was a long time, when she needed him here now, to help her heal and forget. Could she do it without him? She had to detach herself from this memories, keep her eyes on the future, not the past. James, the miscarriage, the rape, it all had to go. She had to let it go. The thought of Severus locked in prison, terrified, surrounded by dementors couldn't consume her. She had to think about when he would be released, and come back to her.

She cried heartily into Severus' robes, heart heavy with sadness as she tried, and failed, to calm herself and forget.