A/N: I am so sorry for the gap between the first chapter and this one! I had massive writer's block and had to change the entire beginning of this chapter. But I've been working with it long enough that I'm satisfied with the results of its beginning now, so here's chapter two! :) Hopefully the gap between this chapter and the next wont be as long next time. As always, reviews are very welcome! Enjoy! :)
Disclaimer in Chapter 1.
Cosima hardly slept that night. She tossed and turned in the unfamiliar bed, her anxiety causing her to get up and blindly make her way over to the bathroom to cough in the middle of the night on several occasions. After tripping over Felix for the fourth time, who had holed up on the floor, he grumbled in annoyance about heading over to Colin's while gathering up a few changes of clothes. When he had gone, Sarah sat up from her place on the couch and looked over at Cosima. "Cosima, if you want I-" she began, her voice clear, as if she hadn't been able to get any sleep either.
"It's fine, Sarah," she told her as she rinsed the sink once more. "I'll be fine. Just go to sleep."
"Alright," she replied, but it was a false promise; there would be no way that she would be able to sleep while Cosima was in the same room as her, especially after she admitted that she was sick. And especially not after that kiss. She rolled over on the couch, springs digging into her sides, sighing quietly into the darkness. Don't think about that. It doesn't matter that she kissed you first, she's with Delphine. So forget it.
"Goodnight, Sarah," Cosima said after a moment of silence, her tone one of someone who was trying to ask forgiveness.
At her voice, Sarah couldn't help but smile, her heart lifting slightly. "See you in the morning, Cos," she replied, rolling over so that she was facing the back of the couch, her forehead pressed against the ratty material. Muffled by the bed, Cosima muttered a dull affirmative, her voice already close to sleep. At least that's one of us, Sarah thought as she flipped over onto her back, trying to position herself so that the least amount of metal was sticking into her back through the worn out cushions. After tossing and turning a few more times, she finally let her eyes drift shut, sleep claiming her with welcome arms.
After what felt like only mere minutes, Sarah was awoken by the sounds of soft snuffling coming from the bed. "Felix," she groaned, "What have I told you about-" The sound grew louder as Sarah came around, realizing that the noise was obviously feminine. She blinked a couple times as she sat up and rubbed her eyes, looking over at the dark shape lying there on the bed. What... "Shit!" she hissed and bolted off of the couch, "Cosima!" she muttered as she pattered over to the bed, mindful of the step that raised the bed slightly from the rest of the room.
"Cosima!" she said again, reaching over to shake her shoulder when she saw the tears falling down her face, her features locked in some kind of panic. Noticing this, she eased down onto the edge of the bed, pushing her dreads away from her agonized expression, murmuring her name softly, "Cosima? Cos, wake up."
Her eyes flew open at Sarah's touch, her gaze darting around in the gloom before finally settling on the woman who sat at the end of the bed. "Sarah?" she murmured, her voice thick with sleep. "What are you...?"
"You were... um, crying in your sleep, Cos," Sarah explained, hesitant to bring it up lest Cosima hadn't been aware of her own tears.
There it was, Cosima thought, frowning slightly, That vulnerability. What is with her? She's usually so strong. Then she processed Sarah's statement. And remembered her dream. "Oh," she said, stricken.
Sarah reached for her hand, squeezing lightly. "Wanna tell me about it?"
Cosima returned the pressure without much thought, pushing herself up to a sitting position even though her body was still weary. "Not really," she muttered, as Sarah scooted onto the bed with her, mindful to leave some distance between the two of them. Distance Cosima wasn't sure she wanted just then. So instead of speaking immediately, because she knew that she wouldn't actually be able to sleep until she told someone, Cosima decided to lean into Sarah for comfort. Sarah, to her credit, didn't say anything until Cosima was ready to talk, though Cosima heard a slight intake of breath come from the other woman as she let her head fall onto Sarah's shoulder.
"I was dead," Cosima murmured with the faintest of breaths. She tilted her head back to look at Sarah, who had tensed even as she pulled Cosima closer. "I had dreamed that I was dead, watching everyone cry over my body."
"Cos-" Sarah began gently, raising the hand that was wrapped around her waist up to her shoulder and swirled her fingertips over the skin there.
"In the dream... you told me that you loved me," she cut her off, causing Sarah's hand to still.
"Yeah? As.. a sister, Cos," Sarah told her, though her voice caught obviously on the lie.
Cosima shook her head, looking away from Sarah. "Don't," was all she said.
Sarah was silent for a little while, apparently steeling herself to say something. Then, "Cosima, you.. kissed me."
"Yeah but you didn't pull away Sarah!"
"Wha?" Sarah questioned, nonplussed, "What does that got to do with anything?"
"You were supposed to!" Cosima yelled, ducking out of Sarah's arms and twisting to face her as they sat on the bed, "Everyone does. Why didn't you?"
"And by everyone you mean Delphine," Sarah stated quietly, her eyes watching Cosima carefully. As she nodded, Sarah continued on, "Cos.. I didn't pull away for one simple reason. I didn't want to."
Cosima's face twitched, then hardened into a frown. "I can't think about this right now, Sarah," she snapped, yanking back the covers and sliding underneath them as best she could with Sarah still sitting on the sheets. "I only came here to-" she began, then cut herself off abruptly, realizing that she hadn't actually told Sarah the real reason for her abrupt departure from Minneapolis.
"To... what, Cosima?" Sarah asked softly, instinctively reaching over and taking Cosima's hand once again. The fact that Cosima didn't pull away brought some measure of comfort to Sarah. But even as she allowed Sarah to rub her thumb soothingly over the back of her hand, Cosima's lips just tightened as she shook her head slightly, her dreads swinging back and forth minutely. "Alright," Sarah reluctantly agreed, nodding and withdrawing her hand before standing up. "You go back to sleep, yeah?"
Cosima watched her walk halfway back to the couch with unreadable eyes. "Sure," she said as Sarah went to go lay back down. But before she did, Cosima called out one more time, "Sarah?"
"Yeah Cos?" she asked, leaning up against the back of the couch as she watched Cosima prop herself up on her elbows before continuing.
"I.. just wanted to say thanks," Cosima said, her voice breaking a bit, revealing her own vulnerability, "For, uh.. being here, you know."
"Yeah... it's nothing, Cos," she replied. Cosima looked as if she wanted to say more, to protest Sarah's dismissal of something that really meant a lot to her, but she just closed her mouth and let herself fall back onto the mattress. Sarah watched as Cosima's weary body dropped back into sleep, her breathing slightly raspy, but even nonetheless.
Sarah flopped back onto the couch, sleep near impossible as she thought about Cosima and what she didn't say about her reasons for needing to get away from Minneapolis. It was just as well that she couldn't drift off because, within minutes, Cosima's steady breathing was interrupted yet again by soft sobs. I can't just leave her like that, Sarah thought, sitting up slowly as she debated inwardly. But there's still Delphine... But, it doesn't have to be romantic, right? I'm just making sure she's okay. Keeping that in mind, she got up and walked back over to the bed, trying to push away the thought that her intent was ultimately selfish.
She approached the bed cautiously, careful not to make too much noise as she gently pulled the covers back and sat on the bed. Cosima, still asleep and crying, didn't make any move other than to shiver lightly at the sudden exposure of her skin to the air. Sliding in beside her, Sarah quickly covered them both with the blankets before rolling over onto her side so that her front was to Cosima's back. "You're alright," Sarah murmured, not loud enough to wake her, but enough to soothe her tears. "Just sleep," she said, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder and pulling her closer as Cosima smiled peacefully.
Cosima woke up the next morning feeling more relaxed than she had ever been in a long time. Instead of being forced into awareness while her body struggled for air, her eyes drifted open lazily as she became slowly more aware of her surroundings. Light was streaming in through a large window above her head and something warm was wrapped around her middle. She stretched, still slightly disoriented, causing whatever was wrapped around her to be dislodged with a couple of indistinguishable words.
"CosIdonwanna," a sleepy voice said, sounding right behind her ear.
Cosima jumped, her eyes snapping open fully as her heart raced. "Shit!" she exclaimed as she sat up quickly, noting Sarah sprawled out on the bed with her, her expression turning from sleepy contentment to ashamed guilt. "What the hell Sarah?" she demanded, glaring at the other woman.
"You were crying again, Cos!" Sarah explained, her tone defensive, "I couldn't leave you alone like that!"
At that, Cosima stopped. Despite all else, Sarah had just unknowingly pinpointed the exact reason why Cosima left Minneapolis. "No.. I guess you couldn't," she replied, picking at the blankets absently with delicate fingers while studying her.
"Cosima-"
"Sarah, it's fine," she said, standing up abruptly. "I should... probably go clean up from last night. In case there were any blood spots I missed."
"I'll just... go put some coffee on, yeah? While you go do that?" Sarah asked her hesitantly, as if she needed Cosima's permission to do anything in a space was much more familiar to Sarah than it was to Cosima.
Still frustrated with the difference in Sarah's character, Cosima nodded, her tone sharper than normal, "Sure, whatever." Then she turned towards the bathroom, noting out of the corner of her eye that Sarah hadn't moved and was just standing there, staring at her with a blank expression. What the hell is going on with her? she wondered once again. Pushing the thought from her mind, she turned to the sink to inspect the ceramic for blood, hoping that she hadn't left any to stain.
Even though Cosima should have known to expect everything by now, the sudden coughing fit hit her out of nowhere, like a pair of iron fists squeezing her ribs together. The pain was jarring and she lurched forward, hands frantically scrabbling for something to hold onto with which to steady herself as she felt blood splatter against her throat, lips, teeth and everything else as it painted the sink in front of her like a canvas.
"Cosima!" she vaguely heard Sarah call as she fought the stabbing pain in her chest. "Hey, it's alright," her voice, suddenly very close behind her, soothed as she felt hands on her back, massaging in slow circles just below her shoulder blades. "I'm here."
With the aid of Sarah's gentle touch, the coughing slowed, but the ache remained, a dull throb as opposed to feeling like her ribs had been inversed and were slowly slicing through the delicate tissue of her lungs. "Thanks," she snapped, "But I don't need you Sarah. I'm fine." She wiped the trace remnants of blood from her lips and watched as her words caused Sarah to take a step back, but stand her ground otherwise.
"No," she threw back and Cosima couldn't help but smirk inwardly. That's the Sarah I'm used to, she thought as Sarah continued, "Cosima, you're not fine. Do you even know what's causing this lung thing? Is it something that can affect all of us?"
She swallowed nervously, the faint taste of copper not even triggering a flinch anymore. "I.. it's.. Delphine, the last time I talked to her I mean, she was.. still looking. For answers, I mean."
"So you don't know... anything, do you?" Sarah questioned, taking back the step that she lost as she invaded Cosima's space, her voice dropping suddenly from anger to anxiety, fear darkening her tone. "Cosima... are you d-?" she began, but the word stuck in her throat and she shook her head in terror at even the thought of it.
Cosima felt her heart pound in panic, knowing exactly what Sarah had been unable to say. Denial had gotten her this far and she refused to lose the glittering hope that she had placed in science and in Delphine's research. "Delphine will find-" she began, but Sarah cut her off, her voice cracking in fear.
"But what if she doesn't? What if-?"
Cosima threw herself at Sarah then, only thinking about keeping Sarah from speaking her own doubts aloud as she kissed her frantically. "Don't say it," Cosima pleaded with her as they broke apart with a gasp, "Please, don't say it." Sarah regarded her for a silent moment, her lips slightly parted, her eyes wild. She nodded imperceptibly before drawing her back into her arms, their lips meeting for a much softer, more comforting kiss.
This time, as they kissed, Delphine barely crossed Cosima's mind. That was a problem, she knew, but she just couldn't bring herself to care as she lost herself yet again to the woman that was Sarah, focusing not only on her lips tasting hers, but on the finer details, like the way that Sarah's hips brushed up ever so subtly up against hers, the way that the fingertips of one hand explored the planes of her exposed waist while the other stroked down her jawline, tracing the shape of her face.
It was when she felt Sarah's tongue swiping gently across her lower lip that Cosima finally came to her senses, breaking from the embrace. "I... it's.. Delphine," she said haltingly as shook her head, feeling sick with betrayal. But betrayal towards who, exactly, Cosima couldn't tell at that precise moment.
Sarah nodded once in quiet agreement, "Yeah," she murmured, that one word tugging at Cosima's heartstrings, lending more power to Sarah in the tug of war over her heart.
"I'm sorry," Cosima said. And she truly meant it. Because whatever else happened between them, Cosima still wanted to keep Sarah in her life. Sarah was the one who stuck with her even when she had stubbornly pursued Delphine despite constant warnings and Sarah was the one who held her together when those warnings proved true. And now Sarah was the one who was here, making sure that she was not alone.
"No, I should be sorry," Sarah told her, "You're with Delphine and I know that. I'm a bloody idiot and I know that."
"You're not an idiot," Cosima reassured her quickly, reaching out and touching her shoulder, "You're just..."
"Just... what?" Sarah asked, sounding apprehensive.
In love, Cosima almost said, her whole being rejecting that thought, causing her to nearly snarl in anger. She's not in love with me, she thought, refusing to even think about the possibility of that reality, whether or not it would be better to be with Sarah over Delphine."Nothing," she found herself snapping again, forcibly shaking the words from her head. I'm with Delphine anyways, so it doesn't matter what her feelings towards me may or may not be.
Sarah noticed the sudden change in the dreadlocked woman and tried not to react defensively. Failed. Even though she knew that Cosima was trying to deal with the actuality that she was sick, it was in her nature to respond to threats in an aggressive manner. Sarah didn't want to lash out at Cosima, but she had learned a long time ago that silence was an attackers cue to weakness. And Sarah was by no means weak. "I'm just trying to help you," she snarled back, "But you obviously don't want it, so I guess I'd better just forget it, yeah?"
"Sarah, I just-"
"No," she said, just barely keeping herself in check as her voice broke in anger, "Why did you even come here Cosima? Why are you here, really? Are you," she began, looking disgusted at her next words, "Trying to make Delphine jealous?"
"What? Sarah, Delphine knows that I...," she began, her voice halting at the word love. She shut her eyes briefly before continuing, "Besides, there's nothing going on between us that would make her jealous!" Nothing she knows about, anyway, Cosima thought, thinking about the kisses they previously shared.
Sarah's hand went to her lips silently as if she had read Cosima's mind, shock and hurt invading her features. "I get it," she said, her voice so horribly cold and distant and so far gone from the volatile and passionate Sarah that she knew. "So I'm the idiot for thinking you actually cared about me, yeah? I'm wrong and you were lying, is that it?"
"Sarah, no! It's-!" she began, but Sarah just shook her head, hand snapping back to her side before it disappeared into a pocket.
"Save it, Cosima! I don't want to hear it anymore," she spat as she whirled around, exiting the bathroom with an angry swish of beads.
"Where are you going?" Cosima pleaded, sounding pathetically desperate, but at that moment, she couldn't give a damn. Sarah was about to leave her alone, after promising not to do that very thing. Well... she never did promise anything out loud. Cosima had just read between the lines.
As Cosima followed her through the room, Sarah slung her coat over her shoulders and grabbed her keys. "I can't be around here right now," she replied, her voice hard, "And I promised Kira that I would see her today."
Cosima's heart lifted a little at the mention of the little girl. "I haven't met-"
"God, no!" she slammed her hand on the metal of the loft door, the bang reverberating through the empty room, "You'll probably... try to hand her DNA off to Delphine."
"Sarah," Cosima began softly, making sure to keep her distance from the enraged woman, like someone would keep their distance from a lioness who was protecting her cubs, "You know I would never betray you like that and I would never tell anyone about Kira. You have to believe me on that."
She was silent for awhile, standing as still as Cosima had ever seen her. With a sudden movement, she reached up for the screwdriver and, as she unlatched the door, she turned back slightly, her gaze just barely visible past the curtain of her hair, "You sure know how to make a lie seem beautiful, Cos," she said quietly, the last trace of her rage swallowed up by the undertow of her sadness.
"Sarah...," Cosima spoke, taking two quick strides towards her, to catch her before she left, but Sarah's eyes, bright with unshed tears, had her halting in her steps.
"I'll be back later," she said, her voice quivering only slightly as she pulled open the loft door and slammed it shut behind her, leaving Cosima to reluctantly latch it once more.
"Way to go, Cosima. You idiot," she closed her eyes as she shook her head, breathing out a weary sigh. As she looked at the rusted metal of the door for a moment longer, the metallic clang of the door slamming shut still hanging in the air, she couldn't help but think that her impulsiveness really would end up having her die alone. She impulsively left Delphine to be with family, thinking that the biological connection to her sisters would be enough. Then her impulsive actions towards Sarah... those kisses...
But Sarah was different and she always had been. Just because she had been there for Cosima in the past didn't automatically set aside their differences. It didn't diminish the fact that they were completely different people who argued way too much. But they always managed to put that aside before. Now, however...
She sighed and finally turned from the door and headed back into the kitchen, where the coffee had long since been brewed. She turned on the warmer plate of the machine and searched the cupboards for a relatively clean mug while she waited for the liquid to heat back up again. After Cosima had gotten her coffee, she sat down on the couch with her laptop open in front of her about to attempt to focus on some research when her phone rang.
Her heart leapt when she thought that maybe it would be Sarah, calling to apologize and say that she changed her mind and that she actually wanted Cosima to meet Kira. It hasn't been that long since she left, you idiot, she thought, but still couldn't help hoping as she reached for her pink phone first before she realized it was her other phone. Her stomach flip-flopped with nerves, knowing that only one person had that number and that person had told her to call as soon as she landed to make sure everything was alright. But because of all the emotional stress yesterday, calling Delphine was the last thing on Cosima's mind. "Hey," she said, trying to sound excited. Because she was, really. With everything happening between her and Sarah, it was nice to get back to something familiar. And that something was Delphine.
"Cosima, are you alright?" Delphine spoke, sounding slightly frantic, "You didn't call at all yesterday and I-"
"Delphine, relax," Cosima told her, laughing despite herself. She was way too paranoid sometimes, Cosima thought, At least Sarah- No. Forget about her right now. She sighed as she continued on, "There was a lot going on yesterday and getting things settled with Sarah took longer than I thought. I just.. fell asleep, that's all."
A pause. And then, "Why did you go back Cosima?"
Delphine's question filled Cosima's stomach with ice, dread worming doubts into her mind. Why did I come back? Why? "I wanted to be close to family," she replied, trying to force confidence into her voice, to make it sound less brittle and small than it already was. Because that was the truth. Not all of it, of course, but enough that she hoped that Delphine would drop the subject.
"Am I not family too?" she asked softly, her low voice sweeping over Cosima and filling her with guilt and regret at the stupid impulsive decision she made back in Minnesota. You're more than family, she wanted to say, but couldn't get the words out of her mouth. Because whatever she was, Delphine was not her biological imperative. And as much as she couldn't imagine dying alone, away from Delphine, she also couldn't even fathom what dying apart for her sisters would be like. Or from Sarah in particular...
Instead of all this, she just sighed heavily and said, "I just... wasn't thinking." She frowned, pinching the bridge of her nose as she leaned an elbow on her knee. What had she been hoping to accomplish anyways? Sure, she didn't want to die alone. But after leaving the one person who she knew would be there until the end and driving away the other person that she hoped would stay... well, her life felt very isolated at the moment.
"Do they even know?" Delphine asked quietly, her voice breaking through her thoughts, "About... your sickness?"
"Sarah knows," she said quietly, hoping that Delphine wouldn't noticed the break in her voice as she spoke Sarah's name. Because Delphine couldn't know what had happened between them, she just couldn't. Not until Cosima knew exactly what it was that was going on between them. "She caught me while I was in the bathroom."
"Cherie...," she said softly, her voice trailing off and leaving the line in a contemplative silence.
"What?"
"Sarah...," she began, and Cosima felt her lungs seize up in panic, irrational thoughts about Delphine putting the pieces together already streaming through her mind. "That's the one with the foster brother, yes?"
That?! Cosima thought, her panic overridden by angry disbelief at how easily she labeled Sarah as an 'experiment' by using the word that. It was like Sarah wasn't even human to her, as if none of the clones were actually human! Maybe that's what made it so easy for her to up and betray Cosima to Leekie after such an intimate night. Screw your subject over, literally, record her reactions to betrayal and heartbreak and see if she reacts like an actual human being. "Yes," she replied, stressing her next words, "Sarah, the person, has a foster brother. Felix."
"He was the one who told me that this 'Sarah' would... kick my willowy ass, I believe he put it," Delphine said, her voice light that, had Cosima been able to see her, would have been accompanied with a smile. It wasn't lost on Cosima that she completely glossed over the statement about Sarah being human as well.
"I was there when he said it, Delphine. And he said that because he knew that Sarah would do anything to protect her family," she explained, surprised to find herself defending Felix against Delphine. But then, she thought, he was looking out for me yesterday, and he didn't complain when Sarah asked him if I could stay here, at his place. But what surprised her more was the fact that she actually felt anger towards Delphine for a joke that would've once made her laugh, if only for the way that she tried to imitate Felix's accent. "A family that doesn't include you," she finished before she could stop herself, her words sharp and cutting.
Delphine said nothing, the only thing that actually gave Cosima any indication that she had heard was the slight intake of breath on the other end of the line. It reminded Cosima of the last time that they fought like this; when she had said anything to get Delphine away from her. "Wait, no! Shit, Delphine, I-"
"I'm sorry," she said, stealing the words from Cosima's mouth. But she sounded so far from it, the sentiment as blank and empty as the dial tone that now sounded in Cosima's ear. She pulled the phone back from her ear and stared at the screen that now said, Call disconnected.
"Shit," she swore again, tossing her phone onto the cushion beside her as she rubbed her temples with her thumbs, leaning her head on her fingers for support. She looked at the data streaming across her laptop screen that was situated in front of her and felt a wave of helpless rage sweep over her. She couldn't seem to keep it together lately with her relationships and she hadn't made any headway with her research and it was driving her insane with frustration. Granted, she didn't have the right tools to make any actual progress while she was here, holed up in Felix's loft, but she had hoped that she would at least be able to make some sense of the numbers and data points that Delphine had sent along with her.
But so far, she hadn't been able to and with her fights with both Sarah and Delphine occupying the majority of her thoughts, she couldn't find the will to focus on much research. Still, she knew she couldn't entirely rely on Delphine and especially not now, not with Delphine probably mad at her. So, with a sigh, she tried to make some sense of the codes that she already had saved on her computer, noting that there was another DNA sequence from Delphine waiting in her inbox. Mousing over to the attachment, she downloaded that as well and set to work, blind to everything else except for the sickly green numbers that haunted her from behind her screen. The cure is here somewhere, she thought desperately, It has to be.
The next time Cosima looked up at the clock, almost three hours had passed. She blinked and stretched, almost purring in contentment as she arched her back and slowly rose to her feet. It hit her out of the blue then, her vision dotting with tiny lights as her body adjusted to movement after a prolonged period of sitting hunched in front of her computer. That was normal. What wasn't normal was the sudden searing pain in her torso, starting at the base of her ribs and squeezing up her lungs, as if each of her lungs was a sodden sponge, over-saturated with blood.
No! she screamed in her mind, lurching forward as she grabbed her jaw to keep it shut, feeling blood coat the inside of her throat and mouth. Not here! she barely managed to think as she attempted to make her way over to the bathroom while blood seeped out through her interlocked fingers, her shoulders heaving from the force of her coughs. No, no no... She looked ahead of herself and, through wobbling vision, realized just how far away the bathroom was, even though it couldn't have been more than a few feet. It can't end like this, she panicked, her head swimming, her lungs tearing themselves apart, bits of the tissue landing on her already gore-spattered palms. Not after I came here to be with family...
All at once, the war waged within her lungs halted, leaving her dizzy and lightheaded. Through her spotty vision, she vaguely noticed that the carnage from the attack was spewed out in front of her, splattering the couch and the carpet like some kind of murder scene. Sarah will be so pissed, was her last thought before her body finally succumbed to the weariness that resulted from the fit, her vision blackening as she hit the floor.
A strange, coppery scent filled her nose when she first came to. The out-of-place smell gave her enough cause to pry her eyelids open and try to figure out exactly where she was, to assess what had happened. When she finally had enough control over her eyesight, she realized that the smell was coming from the pool of her own blood that she had landed in. With a panicked gasp, she tried to sit up quickly, almost losing consciousness once again as blackness dotted her vision. Easy Cosima, she told herself as she hesitantly raised her hand to her face, pulling away and taking in the semi-sticky blood that covered her fingers.
I could have died, Cosima thought in dull shock, staring at her hand, If I had hit my head during my fall or if I had landed the wrong way, I could have drowned in the smallest puddle of my own blood. I... I could have died. And I would have been completely alone.
Standing slowly, cautious of any sudden movements, Cosima made her way over to the bathroom to grab a towel and assess the damage. After taking a towel and wetting it down with water from the shower, she first turned her attention to her face, half of which was covered with flaking blood. She scrubbed at the offending stain, turning her head and arching her neck to get the proper angles on it to make sure she got everything. Then she rinsed the towel, wringing it out as she watched the red-tinted water flow down the drain before heading back out to the main room to attempt to remove most of the incriminating evidence.
As she cleaned, she couldn't stop thinking about how she could have died there, all alone. I shouldn't have left Delphine, she snarled furiously at herself, scrubbing harder at the stain on the floor. I shouldn't have left Minnesota at all. I can't find a cure in this shit hole, I really can't. With thoughts of frustration, fear and loneliness keeping her company and fueling her work effort, she managed to clean most of the blood from her coughing attack before too much time had passed and was just rinsing out the towel for the final time when she heard faint footsteps and voices coming from beyond the door.
"Shit!" she hissed under her breath, looking for a place to put the dirty, sopping wet towel. She spotted what looked like a laundry hamper just outside the bathroom and quickly tossed it in there on her way back to her spot on the couch, where she was previously attempting her research. Just in time too, as the voices, now distinctly recognizable as Felix and Sarah, grew louder from behind the metal door.
Pretending to be immersed in research, she waited as Felix and Sarah came through the door, catching the tail end of their conversation. Which was more like an argument. "...taking good care of her, Fee, and she hasn't done anything suspicious, so-"
"Sarah, do you think it's a coincidence that your birth mother showed up now? And then right after she reveals that you and killer clone are twins, Helena stabs her to death?!" Felix snapped back, shrugging off his coat and tossing it onto a chair, turning to Sarah and folding his arms, his back to Cosima now.
"That was just Helena being as batshit crazy as she always is," Sarah said dismissively, but her movements were all wrong, the tightness in her jaw revealing the broken little girl beneath. She met her birth mother? Cosima thought, her eyes gazing blankly at the screen as she listened in.
"Sarah," Felix began, putting a hand on his foster sister's shoulder, his tone compassionate, "You did what you thought you needed to. Don't beat yourself up about it."
"I should have been able to stop her," she said quietly, shrugging away from Felix's comforting grip, "But it doesn't matter now, I... Cosima," she cut herself off abruptly upon noticing the scientist sitting there, who had long since dropped all pretenses of pretending to work.
Cosima offered a weak smile, unable to work up a genuine one at Sarah's tone. She's still angry, Cosima thought sadly as she turned back to her computer and poked a few keys morosely, trying to act like she didn't care what Sarah thought about her or how she acted around her. "Oi, oi, Cosima," Felix greeted her after taking a moment to glance between his foster sister and her dreadlocked clone.
"Hey," she replied, one side of her lips quirking upwards in Felix's direction at the warmth in his tone as he walked towards her. She glanced past him, watching Sarah pour herself a glass of alcohol before sitting down heavily in the chair that was the furthest across the room.
"Are you alright?" he asked her as he sat down on the couch with her, his eyes studying her in concern. "I mean, with the.. you know."
"With the dying?" Cosima replied, laughing darkly at herself, the sound getting choked off with a punctuating series of short, deep coughs. Even though she faced Felix, Cosima was more concerned with Sarah's reaction that she caught out of the corner of her eye and the way that her expression just... fell, crumpling together as she shot the barest of glances over in Cosima's direction. Her expression read pain, but her eyes told a story that Cosima didn't have time to read before she looked away.
"What's that?" Felix asked suddenly, his own hand rising absently to the right side of his neck. "Right there.. well it looks like.. it looks like blood." Shit, Cosima thought, rising quickly. "Cosima!" he called after her as she headed for the bathroom to look into the mirror. Once again, she wet down a towel and began rubbing at the offending spot until her skin was so red raw that she could no longer tell if the blood was still there or not. In the background she heard Felix, "...go in there and talk to her. She'll listen to you."
Cosima sighed as she dropped the towel in the sink, watching Sarah's reflection grow closer in the mirror. "Cos?" she asked, tugging the beads aside, but otherwise making no move to approach Cosima any more than that. Cosima noted her expression in the mirror before turning; it was cold and distant, but concern was evident in her tautness of her neck muscles.
"I'm fine Sarah," she told her, gathering up the partially wet towel in her hands as she turned around to face Sarah, vaguely noting the distance between them, unconsciously taking a small step forward to lessen it.
"Okay, good," Sarah answered, her voice flat as she turned and headed back to her previous position on the chair with her alcohol.
Sarah..., Cosima thought, wincing at the pain that she caused her. And all because I can't control my actions. Shit. "Wait," she called out, pushing past the curtain as she strode out to follow Sarah into the main area of the room. She took a deep breath and approached her carefully, noting the blankness of her expression that was broken only by the small downturn of her lips. Standing in front of her, she bit her own lip nervously before taking a small breath and confessing quietly, "Actually... I'm not alright, Sarah. I'm... I don't... I.. I'm scared."
Sarah, who had been determinedly ignoring her at this point, shot a look over at her, her eyes clouding with resentment and pain. And fear. "I know," Sarah replied, her voice choked up. "Me too, Cos."
"But you're not-" she began but Sarah just shook her head and turned back to her drink for another gulp.
"Don't," she said, clenching the glass so hard that her whole hand shook, the surface of the liquid within rippling.
"Sarah...," Cosima started again, reaching over to steady her hand, afraid that she might lose her grip and drop the cup, but Sarah pulled away to take another drink.
"Don't talk about you dying Cos," she said harshly, finishing the alcohol and pushing the now empty glass onto the table, sending it skidding down the length before stopping precariously on the edge. "Don't you fucking dare mention it!"
"But Sarah...," she ventured again, slightly relieved when she didn't cut her off this time. I have to tell her. She needs to know. After waking up alone earlier... "That's... why I'm here." At another look from Sarah, she continued hesitantly, sitting down on the other end of the couch as she did so. "I didn't fly down from Minneapolis for the reason you think. It had nothing to do with Delphine, or making her jealous." Though... those kisses...
"Alright," she allowed, tipping her head slightly in Cosima's direction, indicating that she should continue, her voice tinged with what Cosima discerned as a small amount of hope.
"I came here because... because I didn't want to die alone," she admitted quietly, her voice small in the presence of the fear that weighed down on her mind. She took in a shaky breath as she waited for Sarah to say something, feeling her bottom lip start to quiver as she watched the woman across from her study her features.
All at once, Sarah's anger towards Cosima vanished, replaced by the anxiety and concern that had taken a backseat to the rage. She shuffled over to Cosima and didn't hesitate to put an arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer so that Cosima could lean against her. "Cos... I'm here, alright? Even if we fight, I'm here."
Cosima took another deep breath to control the tremor that had overtaken her voice and tried to tell Sarah that she was sorry. "Look, Sarah... I..."
"No," Sarah said, firmly but without any hint of anger, "You don't need to say anything, Cos. It's fine. I overstepped my boundaries and it'll never happen again, yeah? So just... leave it."
What if I want it to happen again? she thought, but forced the thought out of her mind. Delphine, she reminded herself. "Don't leave me to die alone," she whispered quietly after a few tense moments.
Sarah tightened her grip around her slim shoulders and placed a hesitant kiss on the top of her head, hoping that in doing so she wasn't going too far. When Cosima didn't react, she breathed a small inward sigh of relief and said, "You wont ever be alone, got it? I wont ever let you be alone, and I will not let you die alone."
But I almost did, Cosima thought, thinking back to the terror of waking up alone in Felix's flat and getting goosebumps at the mere recollection. Sarah noticed the way that she shivered and squeezed her shoulder lightly while tangling their fingers together in a way that was comfortingly familiar. "Hey... shh.. it's okay. I wont leave you Cos. You'll be fine, yeah? I promise."