A/N: I forgot to do this last chapter, so for this chapter... a huge thank you to everyone who has followed, favourited and reviewed this story! You guys are all seriously awesome! It's good to know that people have been reading this and enjoying it, thank you! :)
Also, keep in mind that I'm continuing on with my headcanon that (like Sarah) Cosima also bounced around in the foster system before managing to be awesome and get a university degree. I started writing this fic before I realized that Tat had said anything about Cosima's upbringing so just... go with it.
If you have any questions or prompts, feel free to drop me a PM! Sorry this chapter is a bit long.. it really kind of got away from me. I hope the length makes up for the gap between chapter 1 and 2... but, I don't know, maybe you guys prefer shorter updates more often. *shrug*But anyways. Here's chapter 3! Please don't forget to review and favourite if you wish! It means a whole lot to me. :)
Disclaimer in Chapter 1.
"I can't do anything in this place, Sarah!" she growled, her hands flying about to gesture wildly around to the space that was Felix's flat a few weeks after Sarah's promise. "I don't have the proper tools to actually be of any use!" she finished, hitting a few keys to emphasize her next words, the computer beeping angrily in response.
"Then why the hell did you leave the university in the first place?!" she threw back, glaring at Cosima as she paused mid-pour, the coffee pot hovering aimlessly over her mug.
"You already know the answer to that," she said, her volume low, but her tone as angry as Sarah had ever heard it.
Realization flashed across her face at Cosima's statement and her shoulders dropped, her body language weary. "Shit, right," Sarah replied, wincing at her poor choice of words as she set down the coffee pot, her mug still empty. "Sorry."
"Whatever," she replied, the conversation grinding to an awkward halt once again. Sarah sighed as Cosima returned back to the DNA streaming across her screen. She didn't know just how many times that this had happened over the past three and a half weeks; their relationship straining to the breaking point. And Cosima's sickness hovering in the air didn't help ease any tension either, as it was an ever-present ominous presence hanging just on the edges of their peripherals.
"Cos... you know I'm here for you, yeah?" Sarah asked, finally pouring her coffee and coming over to sit on the other end of the couch, mindful of Cosima's laptop as she sipped at the hot liquid.
"I know," she replied, dismissively at first, causing another sigh to escape Sarah's lips before she could stop it. Cosima sat back and rolled her shoulders, her own sigh mixing into the air as well. "I know," she answered, her voice softer as she looked over at Sarah who now sat with her near-empty coffee mug dangling between her knees, the fingers of one hand playing with the rim and handle.
"You've been stuck inside too long," Sarah said decisively after a moment, setting down the ceramic cup on the table with a definitive thud.
"Oh?" Cosima asked, arching her eyebrow at Sarah's sudden change in topic.
"Yeah," Sarah continued, "I think you need to get out for a bit."
Cosima sat, torn, her eyes flicking back and forth between Sarah and her computer. The cure has to be in my genetic coding somehow! she protested inwardly, I just need to keep looking for it. I don't have time to do anything else. She turned back to Sarah, her mouth opening to explain this when she found herself asking another question entirely, "What did you have in mind, exactly?"
Sarah smiled, taking her question as a yes. She stood and grabbed her coat, slinging it over her shoulders as she headed to the door. "Come on. It'll be a surprise," Sarah beckoned, just reaching for the screwdriver when Cosima's other phone, the one that wasn't covered in pink silicone, rang.
She sighed again, putting up a finger in Sarah's direction. "Delphine," she said by way of explanation. Sarah nodded once tersely, letting her hand fall aimlessly by her side.
"Hey," she said, turning away from Sarah to give herself the illusion of privacy. Plus, she didn't want to watch the way that Sarah's expression soured as she animatedly continued her conversation with Delphine. "Any news?"
"A minor breakthrough, more coded messages relating to the DYAD Institute. But that's not why I called, cherie," Delphine explained, her words rushed, her tone filled with... longing? Not good, she thought, feeling once again torn between her biological imperative and the woman she... well, she wasn't sure she wanted to label her feelings with that four letter wordyet.
"Oh?" she asked, Delphine's words setting her on edge, causing her to pace around the room out of nerves, unconsciously placing herself further away from Sarah. "Then why did you call?"
"I miss you," she said, her voice dropping to that low timbre that always had Cosima melting. But that was before she kissed Sarah. Before Sarah didn't push her away.
"I.. miss you too," Cosima replied, her voice catching only slightly. Because she really did miss Delphine... she did. She needed normalcy in her life once again and Delphine was that normalcy. Despite the fact that their relationship began in the midst of the clone chaos, a semblance of a routine had settled in as they lived their days together. But then Cosima moved away from her life with Delphine to come to Canada. And for what? What did it accomplish? What did Sarah have that Delphine didn't?
"Why don't you come back, Cosima?" she asked, sorely tempting her.
She stopped pacing, closed her eyes and let her head fall back loosely. "I... need to be here," she replied softly. Family. That's what Sarah had, what Sarah was. She was family.
"But Cosima," she reasoned, "You can't be getting any work done where you're staying! You do not have the proper equipment!"
"I know that Delphine," she explained, pursing her lips as she resolutely kept her back to Sarah, wanting no external visual cues to convince her one way or another. Thinking was hard enough with just Delphine's voice in one ear. Seeing the look of disappointment on Sarah's face if she knew what Cosima was considering would make things even harder.
"So come back," she pleaded, "What can I say to convince you, cherie?"
"Nothing that I haven't already thought of myself, Delphine," she replied in frustration, the only thing keeping the full-on blow out at bay was the voice in the back of her head that said that Delphine was right and that she was an idiot for even deciding to come here in the first place.
"Then come home," she said earnestly, her simple words driving nails into Cosima's heart.
Home? she scoffed inwardly to herself, I don't have a home. "I don't even know where home is, Delphine," she told her instead flatly.
"Right here," she said earnestly.
"Where-?"
"With me."
Cosima froze at those two simple words. Was it really that easy? Could Delphine really be what she was looking for, what she left Minneapolis to find? Things really didn't have to be all that complicated, did they?
"Cos? You alright?"
Yes, she thought as she heard Sarah's voice break in through the silence finally, Things really did have to be that complicated. "Just a sec Delphine," she said and covered the phone as she turned to Sarah and plastered on a smile. "I'm fine Sarah."
Bullshit, her expression plainly read, made more obvious by the way she folded her arms and tilted her head to the side. Cosima sighed, releasing the tension from her shoulders, her free hand finding her forehead in anxiety.
"Cherie?" Delphine's voice came over the phone, tiny and muffled by Cosima's hand.
"I-" she began, looking apologetically at Sarah before she uncovered the speaker once again.
"It's fine, Cos," she told her, putting up a tired hand, "You need to take that."
"Thanks," she answered, shooting a grateful look at the other woman before putting the phone back to her ear, turning once again. "Delphine?"
"Yes, cherie, I'm here," she replied, "Did I upset you with-"
With talk about home, Cosima was sure she was about to say, so she cut her off abruptly, "No, impossible," she said quickly, "I'm fine."
"That is good," Delphine said, her tone warm and relieved. She couldn't know. She couldn't realize just how badly I want a home, she thought, closing her eyes against the impending tears. At least Sarah and I have that in common.
"Cosima...?" she heard Sarah say hesitantly in the background. She shook her head and waved a hand vaguely in her direction; she definitely didn't need Sarah's input right now. Thankfully, Sarah was tactful enough to walk away from the conversation, heading instead to Felix's alcohol cabinet for some wine.
"Look, Delphine," Cosima said abruptly, cutting her off mid-sentence. She winced inwardly, not at all comfortable with the way the conversation was going. But she needed to sort some things out on her own before she could come clean to the French woman and she couldn't do that with temptations on either side. "Trust me when I say that I've been thinking about it, okay? And I'll keep thinking about it."
"Cosima, I-" the French woman began in earnest, but Cosima cut her off once again.
"That's all I can say right now, Delphine," she told her with a sigh. "I'm sorry. There's just... a lot of things are happening, alright? I need time. Can you give me that? Please?"
"What things?" Delphine offered, "Is it anything that I can help you with?"
Cosima bit back a huff of frustration and just said shortly, "Just... keep looking for something, okay?"
"Of course, cherie," she replied after a quiet moment, her tone disappointed. "I should go."
She bit her lip, fighting the desire to keep her on the phone so that they could resolve something in regards to where they stood with each other now, but she had kept Sarah waiting long enough. "Sure," she just said, murmuring a goodbye before hanging up, sighing as she turned back to Sarah.
"Everything alright?"
She just shrugged in response, reaching for her own coat now and said, "We were going to go somewhere?"
Sarah nodded once, striding towards the door, reaching again for the screwdriver that kept the latch shut. Then, in a move that evoked a strong sense of deja vu in Cosima's mind, Sarah turned slowly, still gripping the base of the tool loosely. "You sure you're alright?" she asked quietly, her eyes tracing Cosima's features like she wanted to memorize every inch of them. But what was she seeing that she hadn't already seen in a mirror, millions of times over?
"I...," just want a home, she thought, but couldn't say. That wouldn't be fair to Sarah, to either of them. She couldn't tell Sarah that she wanted a home. What would that suggest anyway? That she wanted a home with Sarah? Yeah, that would go over well. "Why do you care anyways?"
"Cause, I just...," she began as well, but then her face fell, lips sneering slightly. "I want to know if you're doing alright."
No, I'm not. I'm dying, she thought bitterly, feeling her own features fall into a scowl to match Sarah's, her muscles unaccustomed to such placement. "It doesn't matter," she said eventually, trying to step past her, to brush it off like she did with Delphine.
But Sarah wasn't as easily swayed. "Whatever you were talking about with Delphine has got you pretty upset, Cos, don't say that it hasn't," she tacked on when she noted the way that Cosima opened her mouth to protest. "Now what's the matter?"
She sighed and gave in, realizing that Sarah would react badly no matter when she found out. "Delphine wants me to go back to be with her," she explained quietly, glancing at Sarah briefly before her eyes found the floor. "To go... home."
At her words, the air in the room went deadly still. "And what did you tell her?" Sarah asked finally, her voice sharp and radiating mistrust.
"I told her I'd think about it," Cosima shrugged, trying to make it sound like it really was no big deal, but she was still staring at the floor, hesitant to meet Sarah's eyes.
"Cosima," Sarah said seriously, her tone laced with something that Cosima couldn't place. "You can't."
At this, Cosima's head snapped up, her expression already formed into one of annoyed frustration. "Sarah, you can't tell me what to do," she snapped, stepping into her personal space, her eyes flinty as she met Sarah's gaze. "If I want to leave, I will and the fact that you're bossing me around makes me want to stay even less, so, if you don't mind," she said, reaching out to shove Sarah aside, but was stopped in her tracks when Sarah grabbed her arm, her grip like a vice.
"Cosima, you-" Sarah protested furiously.
"Sarah, stop," she growled, "You can't prevent me from leaving. Not when it was my decision to come here in the first place."
"You asked me to look after you!" she exclaimed, pulling on her elbow so that they stood nearly flush against each other, glaring defiantly into each other's eyes, neither willing to give an inch.
"Delphine can look after me too," she replied, her gaze narrowing.
"You asked me, Cosima," she snapped, "Not Delphine. If you wanted Delphine to look after you, you wouldn't have left her!"
"Don't pretend to know my every reason for acting the way I do, Sarah," Cosima told her harshly, "Because you don't."
"Oh yeah?" she shot right back, "Explain it to me then."
"Gladly," Cosima scoffed, sticking her nose right in Sarah's face petulantly.
"Bloody hell Cos," Sarah just muttered before jerking on her arm, bringing her a step closer before leaning in the slightest bit and kissing her passionately.
It was the first kiss that Sarah herself actually initiated. But unlike the previous kisses that they shared, when Cosima had made the first move, this kiss was very different. Something about the feel of it, how it wasn't just a means to an end, had her bringing her arms up to rest on Sarah's shoulders, had her tangling her fingers in Sarah's hair. When Cosima had kissed her first, it had just been a desperate attempt to keep reality at bay. But now, with the both of them sinking into the kiss like nothing else mattered, Cosima noticed that that's never what it was with Sarah. Sarah wasn't trying to distract herself from the reality that her clone was dying, or that Helena was on the loose. She wasn't trying to accomplish anything other than finding a way to comfort Cosima.
"That's why you can't leave, Cos," Sarah said after stepping back reluctantly, her hands still cupped around Cosima's face. Cosima let her fingers untangle from Sarah's brown locks so that she could grasp at her wrists. Though whether she wanted to pull her closer or push her away wasn't clear to her, not after that third kiss."I know it's selfish and stupid and, god, narcissistic but... that's why I need you here. Not in Minneapolis. Here. And I couldn't let you leave without letting you know that."
"Sarah...," Cosima said slowly, staring at her with new-found wonder. Now that Delphine had been completely driven from her mind, nothing stopped the feelings that flooded her body at that moment. No guilt, no betrayal, just.. Sarah.
"What?" she asked nervously, her hands still held to Cosima's face as Cosima's hands were at her wrists.
"Just... stop talking," she smirked at her, shaking her head for a moment before letting her arms drop back around Sarah's shoulders, pressing her lips against Sarah's once more.
And, hell, maybe it was a bit selfish the way she went about it, but Cosima couldn't really complain about the way that Sarah was trying to convince her to stay. Not with the soft noises of contentment that Sarah made from underneath her. Not with the way she watched her eyes close slowly. Not when Sarah's lips on hers felt so.. right.
For once, Cosima's ever-spinning mind lost the ability to describe the chills running up and down her spine, the sensations that invaded her body. More than that, she lost the desire to try as she lost herself to something else once again. No, Cosima thought vaguely, Not something. Someone.
"So I'm guessing this means that you'll stay then, yeah?" Sarah smirked as she pulled back ever so slightly, her hands still tangled in Cosima's dreads, her fingers weaving through one strand at a time.
"Sarah, I...," Cosima began, trying to process what the hell had just happened. Sarah kissed her, yes. And she had, once again, kissed Sarah. But now, with the adrenaline fading from her veins, she found that she could think more clearly. And her brain was tormenting her with the guilt and betrayal that refused to haunt her while she was entangled in everything that was Sarah. She shook her head slowly, taking a step back, feeling Sarah's fingers slide from her dreads. "I can't, Sarah. I... I just can't do this to her."
"This?" Sarah asked, sounding so very vulnerable after their shared moment of intimacy. Then her expression hardened into a frown as she put pieces together in her mind. "What are you even trying to do, Cosima?"
"Do?" Cosima asked, nonplussed, "Sarah, I'm not trying to-"
"What, so, this is all some kind of sick experiment to you, is that it? Yeah? Just a test, maybe a favor that that bloody French woman asked you to do, to see if falling for your clone was possible?" she snapped, reaching out and shoving slightly at Cosima's shoulders, her anger growing within her.
"Sarah, stop," Cosima told her, putting her hands up in a placating manner, hoping to tame the growing rage within her mirror image.
And, surprisingly, Sarah did, but a sneer was still directed in Cosima's direction and her fists were still balled up at her sides. "So you want to leave, yeah?" she asked, her voice dangerously soft. "Then leave, Cosima."
"Sarah, no, let's just-" Cosima began, trying desperately to hold her own against the volatile being that Sarah was slowly morphing into.
But she was no match for the punk who stood before her. "Go home to Delphine," she snarled, ripping the screwdriver viciously upwards from the holder and shoving the metal door back, leaving the apartment with a gaping hole into the hallway. "Get out," she told her, in a voice that reminded Cosima so much of herself when she had said that exact same thing to Delphine the first time they fought.
"Sarah, you haven't been an ex-" Cosima protested, holding her ground against the other woman somehow.
"Get out, Cosima!" she snapped, pointing towards the door sharply. "Get out before I push you down the stairs myself!"
"Please, Sarah," Cosima began as she took a step closer to Sarah, suddenly realizing how much distance there was between them since they broke off from the kiss. "You...," she stalled to gather herself, taking a shaky breath inward before continuing, "You don't know what I risked to come here, okay?"
"Oh, I'm sure you risked so much since you just want to go right back!" she scoffed, glare still locked in place on her face.
"I left Delphine," Cosima continued on, overriding Sarah's scorn quickly, "I left because I... I thought I belonged here, you know, with family. Right, but.. I'm wondering now what family really means, to you. You came into this.. this whole cloning thing late, alright, I get it. You haven't had enough time to fully form the bonds that Alison and I have or that Beth and I... had," she paused in her calm arguments to pull in a slow breath, closing her eyes for a moment as she remembered. She didn't see Sarah's expression soften as she continued, finding it easier to explain her reasons to the darkness instead. "But I had hoped that our relationship had grown enough for you to.. to help me when I needed it."
"Cos...," Sarah started slowly, her voice drawing closer as she spoke, "I don't know what's going on in that crazy geek mind of yours, but we bicker like bloody hell all the time! What about any part of that made you think that I would be the one to help you first? You said it, that you and Alison have been leaning on each other a lot longer before I came into the picture. So why me? Why hope that I'll help you?"
"Because Alison's all about keeping her image," Cosima laughed as she opened her eyes to discover Sarah standing right where she had been before their kiss. Cosima sobered up then, her lips parting slightly as she considered her next words. "Honestly Sarah... it's because you know what it's like to feel like you don't belong anywhere."
Several expressions flashed across Sarah's face at that moment, too fast for Cosima to catch a single one of them. But the words that came tumbling out of her mouth soon clarified at least one of them. "God, Cos... I am so sorry," she reached up and ran both hands through her hair as she winced, "Bloody hell, I'm an idiot! You were trying to feel like you belonged here and I just... because of Delphine and my emotions and... bloody Christ..."
"Sarah, relax," Cosima insisted, watching the other woman unravel slightly. "We've both been... under a lot of pressure, okay? With Helena on the loose and.. well, you know," she finished, a cough punctuating her statement lamely.
"Yeah," she said softly, "I know." Sarah scuffed her toe against the floor, her hand finding her hair again. After a moment of silence she said, "Has there been... anything yet? From Delphine I mean. About.. a cure?"
"No," Cosima sighed, pursing her lips and squinting a bit. "She said that the DNA that she managed to decode only talked more about the DYAD Institute. Probably just elaborating further on the patent."
"Cos, she'll find-"
"Why is my door gaping open?" a voice called from down the hallway, followed by a muttered, "Christ, if Sarah forgot to lock up..."
"Hey Fee," Sarah tossed over her shoulder as Felix came into the flat, his arms laden with groceries.
"Oh, so you two are here," he said, dumping the bags onto the counter before shrugging off his coat. "Should've guessed."
"What's that supposed to mean then?" Sarah asked, glancing at her foster brother in confusion as Cosima moved to help Felix put things away.
He just shrugged in response, looking over at the dreadlocked woman who had started sorting through the items in the bag. "Since you've holed up here Cosima, my grocery bill hasn't been looking so friendly," he told her, sounding stern to the untrained ear.
"Oh, god, Felix," she stuttered, "I.. I know, I just.. I don't have the money to-"
"Fee," Sarah rolled her eyes, cutting Cosima off as she walked towards the pair by the counter. "Relax, Cos," she said to the other woman, placing a hand gently on her arm, "He's just teasing." She turned to Felix again and said, "Cut her some slack, yeah? She's..."
The word hung heavily in the air between the three of them and Felix nodded after a moment. "You'll figure something out," he assured her, nodding minutely. "Between you and the needy bitch-"
"Felix!" Sarah exclaimed, whacking him on the arm, "Show a little more respect yeah? She did help Cosima crack the DNA code, alright?"
"It's okay Sarah," Cosima shrugged, turning to Felix, "You don't have to like her, but she is working on something up in Minnesota. She's on our side."
He paused, watching Cosima carefully as he deliberated. "I still don't trust her. And since Sarah's apparently gone soft-"
"Oi!" she exclaimed, "I haven't gone-"
"You don't have to trust her, Felix," Cosima overrode them both, wanting to make herself clear. "You just have to trust me, alright? She knows what she's doing."
"Fine," he said after a moment, going back to the groceries that Cosima had previously sorted. He put a few boxes away, both Sarah and Cosima watching his actions. "But only because I trust you," he said after he turned back around and had discovered them both staring at him, "I'm not losing any love to that Frenchie. She needs to do a lot more than follow you across the border like some adoring lap dog to gain my trust."
"Sarah, you should go home," Felix said to her later that night, noting the bags under her eyes with some concern. "Get some sleep, be with Kira."
"I can't leave her Fee," Sarah gestured to Cosima, who was on the couch with her laptop open in front of her, her eyes tracking across the screen as she talked intently on the phone. "I feel... responsible for her somehow."
"Kira needs you," he said softly, "I can call you if anything comes up over here, yeah?"
Sarah deliberated, a smile ghosting across her lips as she thought about her little daughter. But despite the thoughts of Kira drifting through her brain, her eyes couldn't help but be drawn over to Cosima. She ran a hand through her hair while she thought it through. "You two might tear each other to strips if I leave," she said instead, unwilling to tell Felix the real reason why she was hesitant to leave; that she felt an inexplicable attraction to... herself, essentially.
"She has a horrible taste in women and can be bloody frustrating at times," Felix began, looking over at the couch where Cosima sat, now with her head in her hands, looking completely worn out, "But sometimes, I see you in her. And when I do, I have to care. I wouldn't leave her stranded any more than I would you."
"But she's not me," Sarah pointed out.
"I know that," he gave with a small shrug, "But you care about her and that's enough for me."
"About that, Fee...," she began slowly, deciding to just screw it and tell him. Especially since it had all been happening under his roof after all.
Across the room, Cosima let out a frustrated sigh, followed by the abrupt slap of her laptop shutting. "I'm going to bed," she shook her head, "I can't work anymore and Delphine's gone to bed because of an early lecture tomorrow." She started to shuffle off towards the big bed in the middle of the room before she turned and remembered awkwardly, "Oh... uh, Felix, are you.. um, going back to.. uh, Colin's?"
"While I'm sure he wouldn't mind," Felix began, nudging his way past Cosima, "And he is a nice boy, I would like to sleep in my own bed tonight. There will be room on the couch," he finished, pointing over his shoulder.
"Room on the... oh. Sure, yeah," she nodded, glancing at Sarah, "What about you?"
"Um... going back to S's," she shrugged, like it didn't matter. "Check in on Kira."
"Alright," Cosima said slowly, shifting her weight so that she almost looked at Sarah sideways as the other woman got her coat. "Goodnight then," she added, her voice tipping upwards so it came out more like a question.
"Yeah. Night," Sarah replied, her words cut awkwardly as she took a hesitant step towards Cosima and offered her arms out for a hug.
"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" she said as she accepted the embrace and pressed into Sarah for a moment longer.
"Of course," Sarah said, and Cosima could feel her nod within their hold. Then Sarah pulled back, but not without placing a small kiss to Cosima's temple first. "Night Fee," she called past Cosima's shoulder.
"Don't you bloody forget to close the door behind you this time, yeah?" he shouted after her as Sarah headed out and made an exaggerated show of shutting the sliding metal door shut behind her. "Don't know why the bloody thing was gaping wide open in the first place," he muttered as he tramped past Cosima and shoved the screwdriver home.
"That was Sarah," Cosima felt compelled to explain, "She.. uh.. was going to kick me out."
"She what?" Felix said sharply, looking over at her.
"We kinda fought. Sorta," she elaborated vaguely, leaving the details out and hoping that Felix wouldn't pry.
He snickered a bit, "You can't 'sorta' fight with my sister, Cosima," he explained when she gave him an odd look. "When her temper hits, nothing really stops her."
"I guess she wasn't really that angry then," Cosima shrugged, heading towards the bathroom so she could get herself settled in for the night. And hope that she would be able to sleep through it, for once.
"What were you two going on about?" he asked her as she started to scrub off her eyeliner and mascara.
Oh, it started when your sister kissed me, no problem or anything, she thought in her head wryly, Sure, that would go over well. "Actually, it's not really any of your business," Cosima shrugged instead and patted her face dry.
He gave her another one of those long looks in the mirror before saying, "Sarah, and whatever happens to her, is my business, Cosima. So if you did anything to piss her off, or hurt in her any way-"
"Please," Cosima huffed, pushing past the curtain of beads and walking back into the main room, "She was the one who kissed me first, so if she's pissed about that, that's her problem."
One look at Felix's face had Cosima realizing her error. He stood before her, eyebrows raised, an uncertain frown tugging at his lips. "Say again?" he asked, watching Cosima closely.
She sighed, knowing that she had to follow through with it now. "Okay, well, technically that's not what happened. I mean, well, it is, but... maybe we should sit down."
"Am I going to need alcohol for this, Cosima?" he asked her frankly as he watched her curl up on the couch, feet tucked underneath her.
"Your choice," she shrugged, watching him pull down a bottle from his cabinet and immediately downing a shot. "Okay, well, it's not that bad," Cosima put in as he poured some more liquor on the rocks before coming to sit beside her.
"It's not everyday that you find out that your sister has been shagging someone who looks exactly like her," he replied, before glancing at Cosima's figure, "Although, can't say that I blame her-"
"Hey!" Cosima exclaimed, "We have not been shagging Felix!"
"Yeah, what would you even call that anyways? Incest? Masturbation?" he asked, taking a sip from his drink.
"It would be called sex, Felix," she rolled her eyes, remembering how she had thought the same question not all that long ago. "I'm a person and Sarah's a person. The fact that we look the same, well, it doesn't really matter when we've all been living apart and different lifestyles and... well, it doesn't matter."
"So if you two haven't been shagging," he said, causing Cosima to roll her eyes once again, "What's going on then?"
"I.. guess you could say I started it first," Cosima shrugged her shoulders and put her hands up, shaking her head slightly. "The kissing thing, that is," she added at Felix's questioning look. "I was tired and wasn't thinking straight and.. well, she was just there. I don't know why, Felix, I still can't figure it out."
"Well, obviously that wasn't the end of it, yeah?" he asked her, throwing back the last of his drink and set his glass down on the table in front of him, ice rattling.
Cosima just shook her head. "After you left that one night, Sarah came over and, well... okay, she slept with me. But we were not.. we didn't do anything!" Cosima said quickly to head Felix off before he made any insinuations, "I was already asleep at the time anyways and I didn't find out until after I had woke up the next morning."
"Bet you weren't too happy about that, being in the arms of another woman other than your Frenchie and all," Felix smirked.
"That's just it," she sighed, dropping her hands onto her lap.
"Just what?"
Instead of answering right away, she stood and crossed over to the other side of the couch and went to her suitcase. With her back to Felix, she crouched by her suitcase and pulled off her shirt. Based off of what she knew of the man, modesty wasn't something that would be an issue with him. Still with her back to him, she continued with a sigh, "It... felt nice. I freaked out at her for doing it but.. well. She made me feel... safe, I guess. Like I belonged somewhere."
"My sister doesn't take rejection well, you know," Felix put in as she bundled up her pajamas in one fist and headed over to the bathroom again.
"And?" she asked over her shoulder, raising her voice slightly as she went to the sink to brush her teeth.
"Well, with you pushing away from her after it's so obvious that she just wanted to make sure that you were alright it's no wonder you two had a bloody row," he said as Cosima looked into the mirror, watching him shrug.
"That isn't... well, maybe," she hesitated, pushing her dreads out of the way so that she could spit into the sink. "That's not why we fought."
"Oh? Well what was it then?"
"She... well, Delphine called right before we were going to head out today, Sarah said she thought I needed to get some fresh air," Cosima began to explain, pausing for a moment to rinse her mouth one last time, noting that the water she spat out hardly ran red. That was a good sign, at least, after everything that's happened today, she thought with a grim smile.
"She's right about that," he said, his voice coming from over by the dresser as Cosima pushed past the bead curtain again, changed into her pajamas now. "You've been cooped up in here for... well, ever since you flew in, yeah? So about a month. There's only so much staring at your computer that you can do, you know."
"And I was going to go out! But then Delphine called," she said heavily, putting a hand to her forehead as she pushed at the skin of her temples.
"Oh," he said, his voice less than impressed. "And what did she want."
"She wanted me to.. to come home," she frowned, sinking onto the couch and dropping her clothes into her suitcase.
"Home? Back to Minneapolis you mean?" he asked her as he also got ready for bed, slipping into one of his usual kimonos.
"Yeah," she shrugged, tugging off her glasses before flopping over onto the couch, her next words rising to the ceiling now. "But she didn't say it like that, exactly."
"How did she say it then?" he called over his shoulder as he went to the foot of his bed to fix his duvet before turning off the rest of the lights in the room.
"She told me...," she began slowly, finding it surprisingly easy to open up to Felix. Easier than she thought it would be. "That she wanted me to come home so I could.. be with her."
"Well," Felix said, the word coming out on a punctuated breath of air, "It's hardly been a month and I still think she's a needy bitch."
"I told you that you don't have to like her, but could you at least not insult her with every other sentence that comes out of your mouth?" she huffed, annoyed.
"Sorry," he said, not sounding anywhere close to it, "I guess I forgot that she actually means something to you."
"Of course she does!" Cosima protested, affronted at his audacity.
"And Sarah?" he questioned slyly.
She looked over quickly at the bed where Felix was just a pink and blue blur getting settled into bed. "What do you mean? What about Sarah?"
"Does Sarah mean something to you?" he asked her as Cosima watched him pull the blankets up around his waist before rolling over onto his side.
"Of course she means something to me, obviously!" Cosima said, resting her chin on the back of the couch for a moment before lifting her head and falling back onto her pillow. "She's my sister, my biological imperative. She couldn't not mean anything to me."
"You know I don't mean it like that," Felix replied, his voice serious, "Those kisses, Cosima, did they mean something to you?"
Cosima was silent for awhile, clenching her jaw for a few moments. "I don't know what you mean," she finally said in a tight voice.
"When you kissed Sarah, did you feel something?" he asked insistently, "Because if you did Cosima, if those kisses actually meant something and I swear if you don't tell her-"
"Goodnight, Felix," Cosima said firmly, rolling over onto her side so that her face was nearly stuffed into the back of the couch. The back of the couch that still smelled faintly of Sarah from all the times previous that she had slept there.
It was silent for a few precious moments, long enough for Cosima to hope that he had dropped it. A hope that was soon proven to be false when his voice burst through the silence, "And I know Sarah and I know what she feels even if she doesn't tell me and I know when she's in-"
"Felix!" Cosima grumbled, sticking her head in between her pillow and the back of the couch, "Enough, I'm tired, alright? Just... let me sleep."
There was a frustrated sigh from the other side of the room, followed by a rustle of fabric but otherwise the room was quiet. Cosima sighed as well, trying not to think of the words that Felix had said and what he had been about to say. And what they meant for her own self.
This time it was Felix who was woken by the sounds of Cosima's crying. He groaned into his pillow and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but there was a small thought in his head that just wouldn't go away. That's Sarah, it said, And when have you ever left Sarah alone to cry by herself?
Not Sarah, he grumbled back at himself, but Cosima continued to cry even as he thought it. "Bloody hell," he sighed, slipping out of his bed and padding over to the couch. He reached out to shake Cosima awake, but stopped himself for a moment to look at her, her face just visible in the dim light of the moon that poured in from the window.
At first glance, she was everything that Felix had come to associate with Cosima; the dreads, the glasses, the eyeliner. But now that she was asleep, face free of makeup and glasses placed on the coffee table, all Felix could see was his sister. In sleep, Cosima's face took on a relaxed innocence that he hadn't seen in Sarah's expression in a long, long time.
Except now, Cosima's face wasn't exactly relaxed or innocent, what with the way that her mouth was drawn into a tight frown, ragged gasps escaping from parted lips and tears streaming down her cheeks. Felix reached out to her again. Whether or not the woman on the couch was his sister wasn't the issue. She just needed help. "Cosima," he shook her shoulder gently, causing her eyes to snap open. "Are you alright?" he asked when her gaze had focused on him.
She sat up quickly, causing Felix to pull his hand back as Cosima reached around blindly for a tissue box. "Yeah, yeah," she said with a vague shrug, "Fine."
Felix had heard those words before, but decided to let them go once more as he tossed a box of tissues at Cosima's lap. "Then I'm going back to bed," he said, feigning a yawn. Cosima muttered something as she blew her nose and grabbed another tissue to wipe at her eyes. "Goodnight," Felix said, slipping under his covers again.
"Wait," Cosima said hesitantly, looking over at Felix in the gloom, his form backlit by the light streaming in from the window.
"Yeah?" he asked, propping himself up on one elbow so he could see Cosima at a better angle.
Cosima opened her mouth and took in a small breath to continue, but stopped herself. It felt wrong to ask Felix, a man who barely knew her and probably trusted her a lot less, to watch over her while she slept. And even if he agreed to her request, it wouldn't be the same. He wasn't Sarah, no matter how close the two were.
"Nothing," she finally said, shaking her head as she sunk back onto the couch. "Goodnight."
"Yeah, okay," Felix said, rolling out of bed once more, swiping his phone from his nightstand as he did so, "I'll just be right back."
"Alright," Cosima replied, her voice weary. She heard the soft snick of the screwdriver being pulled out of the latch and a grating shove of metal as the door was pushed back before sinking into sleep once more, hoping that there wouldn't be more nightmares this time around.
Cosima woke to the warmth that her subconscious associated with safety. With Sarah. But that couldn't be right, she thought as her mind began processing the outside world that was bathed in the morning rays of the sunlight. Sarah left last night. She couldn't be here.
"Morning," Sarah's voice said from behind her, sounding awake yet wary, clearly remembering the last time that Cosima had woken up with Sarah's arms around her.
Cosima yawned and stretched, her arms nudging against Sarah as she arched her back. "I thought you left," she said, keeping her tone conversational as she rolled out of bed. Wait... bed? "And I definitely fell asleep on the couch. Where's Felix?"
Sarah let out small chuckle, "I don't know how you can still manage to talk that fast even after waking up Cos. Takes me ages."
"You must've been up for awhile then," Cosima countered, continuing on at Sarah's confused look, "The fact that you are managing sentences right now... you.. must've been awake for awhile. What were you doing? Were you-"
"Ah," Sarah started, cutting Cosima off frantically, finally getting out of bed too, "I did leave, but Felix called me. Said you were crying again, so I came back."
Cosima knew a change in subject when she saw one and Sarah wasn't making any effort to be subtle about it. Still, she decided to let it slide, figuring it was too early to get into yet another argument. "And the bed? How'd I get here?" she asked.
"Yeah, well, Felix said that the couch wouldn't be enough room for the both of us, so he took the couch instead," Sarah explained, gesturing over to it. Cosima looked over and could just barely make out his mop of dark hair sticking out past the armrest before looking back at Sarah. "And I carried you," she added, as if it were obvious.
"Oh," she replied with a small nod, glancing at Sarah's slim frame. "He didn't want to go to Colin's?" she asked instead, raising her eyebrows.
Sarah shrugged, "It was too late at that point. Coffee?" she asked, slouching over to the kitchen area.
"Black," she said in reply, spotting her glasses resting on the nightstand table. She put them on, allowing her to take note of Sarah's form a little better. Even from the back she seemed tense, shoulders and neck taught with worry. "And how's Kira? Is she alright?"
"Yeah, she's doing fine," Sarah answered on a breath of tired air, "Just... disappointed is all."
"Disappointed? But, Sarah.. why?" Cosima asked, crossing the room to join her, on the opposite side of the counter now, watching her measure out coffee grounds.
"What with Helena still out there and Alison gone off to who knows where because of that bloody contract she signed... I've been so busy with other things that-"
"Too busy for your daughter?" Cosima cut in, her tone sharpening ever so slightly. "And what about right now, Sarah? Are you too busy right now, making coffee for me and cuddling me in bed?"
"Cosima, you're dying!" Sarah snapped suddenly, slamming a fist down on the counter between them, causing the mugs to rattle.
"I shouldn't be more important than your own daughter Sarah! I can look after myself, I can be alone for more than a few hours!" she shook her head in disbelief, throwing her hands up in the air.
"Yeah, well, tell that to Felix! He was the one who found you bloody bawling your eyes out last night!" Sarah exclaimed, running a hand through her hair in frustration. "Besides, you were the one who told me that you didn't want to be alone! I'm just following through on that, yeah?"
"And what about Kira, Sarah? Your daughter is disappointed in you! Are you just going to let that happen?" Cosima asked incredulously.
"Well, it's not like she hasn't been disappointed before," Sarah muttered to herself, dumping the coffee into the machine and filling the pot with water.
"Sarah...," Cosima started slowly, her tone softening for a moment.
"Kira's with S," she said loudly, cutting Cosima off before she could offer any sympathy. "She's fine, Cosima. She's not dying. Not like-" you, she finished in her head, but couldn't bring herself to say it a second time out loud. Cosima isn't going to die, Sarah told herself fiercely, Delphine will help her find a cure. She has to.
"How long do you think she'll be fine for?" she asked, her tone gentle, but insistent, "How long do you think it will take the DYAD to track her location down and take her for themselves so they can run tests on her?"
"Mrs. S will keep her safe," Sarah replied stubbornly, folding her arms as she turned her gaze from Cosima to the bubbling pot of water. "You're the one I'm worried about, Cosima. You're getting weaker by the day and-"
"Sarah. Don't," Cosima warned, her voice dangerously low.
"You can't just expect me to ignore the fact that you're.. well... you know! 'Cause I bloody can't, alright?" Sarah carried on, disregarding Cosima's warning, "I can't walk around and pretend that you're okay, Cos, I just can't, and I'm going bloody insane with worry 'cause you don't seem to care at all! That's what bothers me the most, that you don't seem to care that you're-"
"Stop it!" Cosima cut in, her voice more shrill than usual to get Sarah's frantic attention. "Look at me Sarah," she continued on after taking a breath to calm herself, "I'm fine, alright? I'm just fine. I haven't been coughing as much since I got here and I'm feeling well enough to head back any day now."
This time it was Sarah's turn to go still, her voice just as low as Cosima's had been. "Head back? What do you mean, head back?"
"Well, I mean... ever since Delphine called me I've been thinking about it and.. well, now that I'm feeling better I decided that I needed to.. to, to, you know... conduct more research. And I can't do it here, Sarah, I can't do anything here," Cosima explained, apparently oblivious to the way that Sarah's expression fell with each word that came out of her mouth.
"What about not... dying alone? That's why you came here, yeah?" Sarah tried as the coffee finished brewing, sputtering as it spat out the last few drops of the dark liquid.
"Delphine and I will find a cure up in Minnesota and then I'll be back before you know it," Cosima said, injecting false confidence into her voice as she poured herself some coffee.
"You're going to leave? Just like that?" Felix said from behind him, his voice quite clear as well.
"And just how long have you been up?" Cosima sighed with a roll of her eyes.
"Long enough," he said, pitching his lanky form over the edge of the couch, straightening up as he continued on, "Long enough to hear that you're planning on heading back to the needy bitch in Minneapolis."
"I... don't really need to be here anymore," Cosima explained hesitantly, fearing Sarah's wrath and Felix's scorn, "I haven't been coughing all that much anymore and Delphine wants to see me again. She told-"
"Right," Sarah scoffed, "Right, 'cause she wants you to go home to her, doesn't she Cos? She wants you to go back to Minneapolis so that she can find a cure for you and then the two of you can live happily and maybe adopt a child or two. That's it, yeah? That's what she wants, isn't it?"
"Sarah," Felix cut in gently, hoping to diffuse the anger in his sister before it could rise to the surface.
"If that is what she wants, then that's her prerogative, alright. I need to figure out what's going on between her and I for myself. After all, she did risk her life to come after me, to help me discover that patent. Without her, we'd all be in trouble and you know it," Cosima retorted back, refusing to deny Sarah's statement about the whole children thing.
"So what, you're just going to go back to her so that she can continue to experiment on you?" Sarah scoffed, "I thought you were supposed to be some kind of genius, Cos."
Cosima let the genius comment go uncontested as she answered her, "This is different, Sarah! She's only going to be testing on me so that she can help me find a cure, okay? And to make sure that none of you guys will be susceptible to it!"
"How can you be so sure that those will be the only tests she's going to run?" Sarah demanded, hardly aware of the way that Felix's eyes bounced back and forth between the two women as they argued.
"Meaning what?" Cosima asked carefully.
"Meaning that she might still be a double agent!" Sarah exclaimed with a sigh, as if she couldn't believe that Cosima wouldn't take that thought into account, "She might still be running tests for Leekie on the side! How can you know for sure what sorts of tests she's performing on you?"
"Because she wouldn't do that to me," Cosima replied with a fierce certainty as she finished her coffee and set it down onto the counter, shoving it towards the sink.
"How can you know that for sure?" Sarah asked insistently, placing her mug in the sink and turning to see Cosima already back on the couch, typing away at her computer.
"Because I.. think she loves me," Cosima explained, barely raising her eyes from her computer to take in Sarah's expression.
"But what about-" Sarah began quietly, but cut herself off. "Never mind," she muttered as Felix shot her a look. "You've got a flight to book, I guess."
A few days later found Cosima's flights all booked and her suitcase standing upright by the open loft door, handle engaged. "You don't have to leave, you know," Sarah muttered as Cosima grabbed her coat and carry-on bag.
"I know," she answered just as softly, "But it's best for both of us, I think." Just as it looked like Sarah was about to protest, Cosima carried on, "Look, this way, you get to spend more time looking for Helena and you can have more time with your daughter, alright? Without having to worry about me all the time."
"I'm sorry you didn't get to meet her," Sarah said, scrunching her face up in her apology.
"Hey, it's alright," Cosima replied with a smile, touching Sarah's chin to bring her eyes up back to look at Cosima. With her hand still cupping Sarah's face softly, she continued, "I'll be back, alright? Once Delphine and I find a cure, I'll fly right home. Promise."
"Oi!" Felix's voice shouted from partway down the stairs, "You two weirdos coming then?"
"Just give us a sec, Fee, yeah?!" Sarah shouted back out the door before looking back at Cosima. She sighed and gestured vaguely out towards the door. "He's right, I guess. We best get going. You've got a flight to catch, yeah?"
"Right," Cosima nodded resolutely, grabbing her suitcase and pulling it along behind her as she followed Sarah down the hall. Just as she was about to take the first step down the stairs, Cosima called out to her, "Sarah, wait."
"Yeah?" she asked, one hand on the railing as she turned.
"I just...," Cosima began as she shrugged abruptly and reached out to Sarah's face with her free hand before leaning down and kissing her softly. She pulled back after a quiet moment, fighting a frown that was threatening to appear at the corners of her mouth before brushing past Sarah without a word.
Sarah stood there for a moment, her eyes fluttering shut softly as she committed her brain to the memorization of the feel of Cosima's lips on hers, not knowing when she'd feel them again, if ever. I'll fly right home. Promise.
A short wheeze caused her to open her eyes again as she turned around nervously, "Cosima...?" she asked slowly, watching her lean heavily on the railing as she tried to maneuver down the stairs. Hadn't she been getting better? Wasn't that why she was leaving?
"Sarah, I'm-" she began to say, raising a hand to wave away her concern. But she didn't get any further than that as she lost her grip on the bannister, her footing falling out from under her as she dropped, hitting the steps like a broken rag doll, bones cracking against the concrete for an infinite amount of time before finally crumpling into a broken heap at the foot of the stairs.
"Cosima!" Sarah screamed, clattering down the stairs, tripping over her own feet as she stumbled drunkenly down to the landing. She looked at Cosima's battered body as blood slowly seeped outwards from various wounds. It seemed so still. She seemed so still. Was she even breathing?
Her knees gave out from under her and she landed with a wed thud beside Cosima's silent form, her knees covered in blood. Cosima's blood. Sarah grabbed at her shoulders with white knuckles, screaming incoherently at Cosima's closed eyes. She barely heard Felix's voice in the background; it was all static buzzing blankly through her mind.
"Cosima?" she asked, her voice a hoarse whisper, reaching to remove her shattered glasses first, which were dangling crookedly from one ear, brushing the glass away from her eyelids as carefully as possible.
"C-Cos?" she begged brokenly, her hands reaching for Cosima's face now as she leaned close and touched her forehead to Cosima's. She slid two fingers down to her pulse point as she began sobbing harshly. Underneath her fingers, life was found, beating but weak. "Please don't leave me..."
Blood. There was so much blood.