A/N: Alright! Finally getting back into the swing of writing once more! Sorry it took so long! Hopefully, now that it's summer, I'll have more time to dedicate to this story. But enough from me, you just want to read, right?. :) So, enjoy and please, please review! It means so much to me.
Disclaimer in Chapter 1.
You feel like I finally found a home.
Even after Sarah left for the night, her company still remained in the form of her voice bouncing around in Cosima's head. She remembered how Sarah's eyes had glowed softly as the last word fell from her lips even as they twitched upward in a small smirk of contentment.
Like I finally found a home.
Cosima couldn't imagine what it took for Sarah to say something like that. Being a hustler, or, at the very least, some kind of grifter, for the majority of a year had to have done some sort of damage to her psyche.
I finally found a home.
And she had finally found a home with Cosima. With me, Cosima found herself marvelling still, despite it being hours after Sarah had spoken those words. "She's found a home with me. With me," she muttered into the darkness of her hospital room as she lay flat on her back, finding patterns in the ceiling to pass the time during which her mind wouldn't stop turning.
She forcibly tried not to think about what those words meant for her and Delphine. Her attempts failed however, as worry crowded into her brain, driving out some of the comfort that the echoes of Sarah's words provided. You shouldn't be comforted by those words, the back of her mind hissed, and darkness came with it. That's a betrayal to Delphine, isn't it? And you've had enough of betrayal, haven't you?
"Okay, so," she thought out loud to herself, finding it better to organize her thoughts this way, despite her process being slightly hampered by the hand that was still heavily weighted in its cast. This physical unbalance made her thoughts feel half-formed and broken. She forced herself to push through. "Then it's obvious what I have to do, right? Forget about this thing between Sarah and I and just stick with Delphine. Done."
But she still betrayed you. You know that you can't really trust her after that.
Cosima groaned at her own bastard brain and shoved her free hand over her eyes. "And I can trust Sarah, right?" she moaned into her palm. But she didn't even have to ask herself that question; she knew that she could. Even before she discovered that she was sick she knew that she could trust Sarah. Which was more than she could say for Delphine. And then, after those shared kisses, after getting to know Sarah on a more intimately physical level, Cosima knew that she could trust her even more implicitly.
You feel like I finally found a home.
"Maybe you're my home too," she mumbled, allowing her words to drive away the other hissing voice in her head as she slowly drifted off into unconsciousness.
Sarah's digital clock glowed 6:24AM by the time she finally returned home and stripped off her bloody clothes for a shower. It had been a long, emotionally exhausting day and the water beat a relaxing pattern against her body, washing away the dried blood and tears that stained her skin. But as she scrubbed shampoo into her hair, a thought caused her to jolt her eyes open underneath the shower head; she's my home. I told her that she's my home.
"Ah, shit," Sarah grunted as suds stung her eyes. "I told her. I.. I told her," she muttered to herself as she scrubbed at her eyes and turned to look at the mirror, past the glass door. Her words rang through her head, you feel like I finally found a home, and she smiled.
"Oh, um, thanks, thank you but, uh, Delphine's out in the lobby, gotta rescue her from Felix, do you mind?"
Her smile vanished. Yeah, you told her alright Manning, she snarled in her head, And she just completely cut you down. You knew that the French woman was better for her anyways, and yet you kept wanting to push your luck. And now look where that's gotten you.
"At least she chose," Sarah shrugged as she turned off the shower and reached for a towel. Her reflection greeted her as she towelled off, its expression heavily lined with hurt. But you wish that she had chosen you.
Wings invaded Cosima's dreams. Wings that were torn and dripping. Wings that seemed to exude darkness. These wings, the torn and dripping and dark wings, were attached to a cloaked shadowy figure that was standing far off. Cosima blinked then and, suddenly, the shadow with its feathered appendages that arched from each shoulder was standing solemnly before her, hands clasped together inside draping sleeves.
Drawn by curiosity, she leaned closer and discovered that the wet substance that puddled beneath its extended wings was actually... blood. "You don't belong with either of them you know," a voice sounded from within the depths of its hood, a putrid smell accompanying the words. Cosima jerked back, but the thing moved with her, the fringes of its hood brushing against her skin. "There's no home for you anywhere."
"But Sarah said-" Cosima started to argue, but the demonic thing lashed out, blackness striking her broadside, stars flashing in front of her eyes from her impact with the ground.
"You feel like I finally found a home," the thing repeated, its voice changing exactly to match Sarah's rough accent and pitch. It started cackling then, the first few notes of its laughter still clinging to Sarah's tone before morphing into something altogether ungodly that bounced around in a horrible echo. "Do you reallybelieve thatshe was telling you the truth?" it continued once the demonic chorus finally died, "You are as naïve as they say."
"Sarah told me-" she tried to insist, fighting to stand.
The creature swooped down on her then, restricting her movement with a skeletal hand on her neck. Cosima's eyes travelled down to the fingers that were crushing her windpipe, but the figure followed her gaze and shook its sleeve so that the bones were hidden from sight.
"They couldn't love you," it snarled, the smell from its breath nearly knocking Cosima out. She struggled for air, but everything in her was being pressed further and further into the ground until she fell through the floor, finding herself looking up at a tiny square far above.
"You'll never find a home," the demonic voice laughed, its silhouette appearing at the edge of the opening. Then it sealed over with a heavy thud, leaving one final echo of its sickly laugh behind, bouncing around in her head.
And Cosima began wailing.
"Cos!"
Its rigid fingers were wrapped around her shoulder again, shaking her.
"Cosima, wake up!"
Its rotten breath was at her neck, almost in a sick parody of the kiss of a lover. She twisted, trying to yank free from its grip. "Stay back, don't-!"
"Cosima, stop.. bloody... fighting!" a voice grunted and the pressure returned to her shoulders, but it wasn't the same cold, sharp grip as before. "You're just dreaming! Cosima, listen to me, you're dreaming yeah?!"
With a loud gasp her eyes flew open, the demon's dark hood still visible for a split second before Sarah's face appeared in its place. "Oh my god, christ, Sarah, it was hell, it was just awful, I don't know what was happening, I was alone and there was this.. this thing and it told me that I didn't belong and that you didn't love me and it smelled awful and it was black and dark and.. and.. and evil, Sarah, I-"
"Whoa, whoa... Cos," Sarah soothed gently, reaching out and stroking her cheek. "You're alright, yeah? I'm right here with you, alright? Breathe, please, alright? Just breathe for now love."
"It was awful...," she murmured after she had taken a couple of breaths at Sarah's command.
Sarah took Cosima's hand then, kissing her fingers hesitantly. "You're safe," she whispered, squeezing gently. "You're alright, I'm here."
"Sarah," Cosima said suddenly, tangling their fingers together and tugging on the joined hold, bringing their faces within inches of each other. "Can you... can you hold me? Please?"
Sarah started, staring at Cosima for a moment as she began pulling back slightly. "Isn't Delphine coming to visit soon?" she asked as she shook her fingers free from Cosima's hold.
"Why does it matter?" she snapped, terror from the nightmare still evident in her tone. "Sarah, I... I'm scared and.. and I need you. You promised that you would keep me safe!" And I want you to keep me safe, she thought as she looked at Sarah, her wings appearing once again, though they were nearly invisible against the harsh hospital lights.
"Cos, you're just confused 'cause of your nightmare, yeah? I can call Delphine right now and she can be here in a few minutes, alright? Just let me-" Sarah soothed, but Cosima cut her off, latching onto her wrist with her uninjured hand, her grip surprisingly strong. Desperate.
"Please Sarah," she pleaded, staring up into her eyes, "I don't need Delphine right now. I... I need you."
Sarah gritted her teeth, fighting the urge to kiss her right then and there, to wipe away the residual tears that remained from the result of her nightmare. "You're only saying that 'cause I'm right here," she explained, trying to convince herself as much as Cosima as she reminded herself of Cosima's previous response once more. "I'll just call Delphine, yeah? She can be here for you soon," she finished saying as she peeled her arm out of Cosima's grip and headed towards the door.
"Sarah, would you just-!" Cosima started, her tone one of frustration.
"You're fine Cos," Sarah assured her in attempted nonchalance, even as she fought her very body to turn back around and give in to Cosima's request. "I'll be back in a few-"
"Why are you doing this?!" Cosima finally broke, her words snapping, causing Sarah to stop dead in her tracks. "Why are you being like this? Just yesterday, last night, you had said-"
"Because you didn't say anything!" Sarah exclaimed, wheeling around on her heels, her hands balled into fists.
"I... what? What didn't I say?" Cosima asked, but she was sure she knew exactly what Sarah was talking about. After Sarah had told her about feeling like she was at home with her, Cosima hadn't replied. Had abruptly changed the topic as she asked if Delphine was still in the waiting room.
"Don't play stupid Cosima," she snarled, the light from the wings arching past her shoulders tinging red. "It doesn't suit you."
"Excuse-"
"You heard me!" she snapped, "I was so bloody vulnerable with you, do you even know what it took for me to say that I feel like I'm home when I'm around you?! And then for you to just say thanks and ask for Delphine?! What am I supposed to think here?"
"Well, I thought it was obvious that-"
"No, Cosima!" she barked, her face lit with the colour of blood, "The only thing that's apparently so bloody obvious is that way that you and Delphine act around each other!"
"Sarah, c'mon, no!" Cosima exclaimed, struggling to sit up, wincing as she continued, "I flew to Canada so that you could keep me safe!"
"I'm not your angel, Cosima," Sarah spat, "I don't care what you see, if I have wings or what, but I wont be messed around with, alright? And I'm not going to eff around either, yeah? Just... if you want Delphine, you tell her that. And leave me the bloody hell alone."
"But Sarah...," she started, the last of her terror from the nightmare fading, the fear of losing Sarah, and, honestly, Sarah herself with her scarlet aura, taking its place.
"I can't do this," she sighed, running a hand through her hair as the red faded, thankfully, away. "I just can't keep doing this, Cosima. I'll be here for you if you need me, of course, but I can't be here right now."
"Sarah, please-"
Sarah sighed heavily again, her hand falling back to her side as she turned. "I'm going to call Delphine, alright? She can...," love you, Sarah trailed off in her mind as she pushed open the door with its bloody curtain.
"Sarah don't-" she tried one last time, but Sarah just stepped out into the waiting room and shut the door softly. Somehow, Cosima thought it would be more fitting if she had slammed it.
"Did you just bloody walk out on her?" Felix pounced on her the moment the door had tapped shut. "What is it about this woman, Sarah, that you would just continue to give her up to a French spy?!"
"Not now, Fee," Sarah grumbled, grabbing Cosima's phone and almost eagerly dialling the French woman's number, pointedly turning her back on her brother.
"Seriously Sarah, I have never known you to-" he continued on in frustration.
The call went through, but Felix's words pounded knives in her heart. "It's because she bloody deserves better than me, Felix!" she shouted, rounding on him, "She's a brilliant, talented and beautiful woman who is going to go places in her life, Fee, everyone knows it! And she's not going to go places if I'm hanging on her arm like a lovesick shite storm, bringing her down!"
"Hello?" a small voice sounded from around Sarah's waist.
"Jesus Sarah," Felix muttered as he flopped into a chair.
Shit, Delphine, Sarah thought, slightly panicked as she raised the phone to her ear. Did she hear all of that? Shite if she did. "Yeah, Delphine," Sarah said, clearing her throat of the emotions from her previous tirade.
"Ah, Sarah," Delphine replied, her voice a little more relaxed, but still not altogether comfortable. "What is it? How is Cosima?"
"Recovering," she answered shortly as she dropped into a seat next to Felix. "She had a bad dream though," she said, using a more gentle euphemism to describe the way that Cosima had been thrashing around, to make it seem like she hadn't been screaming bloody murder and that it hadn't taken Sarah a full ten minutes to bring her back to the real world. "She asked for you," she finished before the silence grew too long.
"Of course, I will come right away," she clipped, and Sarah could hear her moving about immediately, presumably grabbing keys and a coat.
"Right, yeah," Sarah said heavily, starting to hang up when Delphine's voice stopped her short.
"And, hm, Sarah?"
"Yes Delphine," she asked tiredly, rubbing her forehead with another sigh that clouded the line for a moment.
There was a tense beat of silence on the other end and Sarah was almost tempted to hang up once more. Finally, she spoke again. "Cosima does need you. Truly. I have never seen her more alive than when I come to visit after you have been talking with her. You... you do not.. bring her down," she finished her last three words carefully, making sure that Sarah had heard them clearly.
"Sure, okay," Sarah answered quickly, shoving Delphine's words to the back of her mind. She couldn't bring herself to deal with their meaning just yet. "Just hurry up and get here, yeah?"
"Yes, of course," she repeated over the slamming of a door. "Tell her I will be there as soon as I can."
"Mm," Sarah nodded and hung up, dropping the phone to her lap.
"And.. how was that?" he asked after being the silent observer to the one-sided conversation.
She shook her head. I have never seen her more alive, Delphine had said. What was that supposed to mean anyways? Hadn't she ever paid attention to Cosima while they were together? They had bloody spent a night together, how was that act of bared intimacy less alive than Cosima simply being in Sarah's presence?
"Sarah?" he prompted her again, prodding her in the side.
She swatted at his hand, but otherwise didn't react. "Would you...," she began heavily, "Would you go in there and tell her that Delphine's on her way? Please?"
"I ought to make you do it," he huffed, but stood anyways, reading his sister's mood.
"I just... I can't see her right now, alright? That's all," she said, one side of her mouth tilting downward as Felix crossed the room.
"You owe me," he called over his shoulder before opening the sliding glass doors.
"Don't I always," she muttered back, keeping her gaze trained on the ground until she heard the doors shut behind him.
Sarah's thoughts were drifting back to Delphine's words once more when the woman herself arrived. "Hello Sarah," she said softly as she set her coat on the back of a chair across from the punk woman but remained standing.
"Oh," she started vaguely, waving a hand in greeting in her direction, "Oi, oi Delphine." She waved back shyly, still standing awkwardly in front of her chair. "You don't have to stand on ceremony, yeah? Sit."
"Right, yes," the other woman spoke, her words quick and quiet as she sat down with an abrupt motion. She fiddled with the straps of her purse, the tag from her zippers, shooting glances at Sarah every so often, her toes coming together to form a triangle on the floor. "Felix is in there with her, yes?" she asked finally.
"Wha- oh, yeah. He is," she replied, leaning back in her chair and dropping her chin onto her chest. "And I wish he'd hurry up," she muttered to herself, keeping her eyes fixed on some point above Delphine's shoulder.
"Sarah," Delphine tried again, shifting forward in her chair in apparent earnest. "About what I said on the phone, I-"
"Delphine, no," Sarah snapped, "It's not important, alright?"
She was quiet for a moment. Then, "I think it is, Sarah. If you feel something for her, then-"
"How many bloody times," she exclaimed, slamming her palm down onto her armrest, "Do I have to tell people that I do not feel anything for her! We're just.. bloody sisters, yeah? That's all."
"People?" Delphine picked up quickly. Sarah smacked herself inwardly.
"Nothing, I haven't told anybody anything," she sighed, forcing herself to look Delphine in the eye as she said this.
"You should talk to her, non?" she pressed, clapping her hands together once as she leaned further forward on her knees, biting her lip in contemplation.
"We've been talking," Sarah answered, trying to keep the conversation to a minimum now.
"Have you been talking about-"
"About the feelings that everyone says I have for her, apparently?" she scoffed, cutting Delphine off derisively, "It's bloody obvious, isn't it? She should bloody be with you! You heard what I said over the phone, yeah? That's your answer enough, alright, so leave it."
Delphine looked to be at a loss for words but was thankfully saved from a response as Felix sauntered in, taking in the facial expressions of the people before him with a sweep of his gaze. "Oh hello," he fairly snickered, "Not walking in on some touching reunion, am I?"
"Shut it," Sarah hissed at him under her breath.
"And you, by the way," Felix sassed on as he pointed a finger at Delphine, "You best get your fanny in there French Curls. She's been practically begging for you, you know."
Cosima looked up as Delphine pushed the door open, poked her head in. "Hi," she smiled thinly from the bed, waving her free hand.
"Sarah said that you asked for me," Delphine said in reply, tactfully choosing not to mention exactly what she had heard Sarah say about dragging Cosima down. "Because you were having... a nightmare?"
You don't belong with either of them. "A.. a nightmare. Right," she said blankly, what little colour that she had regained during recovery quickly drained at the god-awful cackling in her ears. You'll never find a home. "I...," she started, but she couldn't spill her fears to Delphine as easily as she had babbled them to Sarah. You can't trust her, her thoughts told her, like a mantra. You can't trust her, she betrayed you. She lied to you, she hurt you, you can't trust her, you can't.
"You didn't ask for me, did you, Cosima?" she asked next, her words weighted.
"No, no no!" Cosima was quick to cut in, accidentally gesturing frantically with both hands, causing her to wince as she rested her cast back on top of the sheets gently. "I did, I asked for you!" she assured her eagerly, though why she was lying to Delphine about this situation wasn't entirely clear to her. Maybe it was just because she believed that everybody deserved to feel wanted. And Cosima was the only one who wanted Delphine just then.
"Then why are you so hesitant to talk to me? You are frightened, cherie, I can see it," Delphine encouraged gently, taking the cast and kissing her uncovered fingers carefully in response to Cosima's frantic gestures. "Tell me what's wrong. Please..."
Cosima fought for a moment. She needed to talk to someone and Sarah wasn't a given option at that moment. But she lied to you. She betrayed you. Finally, "I... I can't, Delphine."
"Cosima...," she murmured, her voice still heavy, "Why can't you, ma cherie?" she asked, a darker note of pain driving her usual low timbre even lower. And Cosima desired her, god, did she ever desire her in that moment.
But even as her mind took in the image of Delphine before her once again, this beautiful French woman with a passion for science and an intelligence to rival hers, Cosima found her heart swelling with a completely idiotic need to feel Sarah's lips on her everywhere. So even as her mind screamed at her to commit, her heart just... couldn't. She couldn't because-
"Because you lied to me!" she exclaimed, her main reservation bursting forth in a single outpouring of emotion. "I... I can't talk to you and tell you, you.. you about... about anything anymore! We tried, Delphine, don't you.. you were... you've been with me, all these past months after we discovered that patent! And I've been trying, Delphine, and I thought I had it, I thought I was good... I thought.. I was sure that we were good! I... want us to work, Delphine! But... you, you broke my heart. And I'm not... we're not... I don't know."
"I am so sorry," she whispered, those words and that tone achingly familiar. "I want to be here for you, ever since the beginning I've wanted this.. this being by your side. And I have been here, through everything, everything.. with you."
Cosima found herself nodding absently. Delphine had been by her side through every situation that those months had thrown at them. From pulling her away from her textbooks before she fell asleep on them, to feeding her on those days that she was too weak to even get out of bed, to simply keeping her company.
But she had left. She left Delphine so she could be close to family, no matter how strange that definition of family sounded. To Sarah, so that she could feel safe. But she had been safe with Delphine, hadn't she? In all those months of research, never once did Delphine seem to attempt anything that would've compromised Cosima to the DYAD. But in those dark nights she when she just couldn't sleep, thoughts like she betrayed you once, she'll do it again, how can you ever fully trust her after that? would float through her mind. And suddenly, the arms that were wrapped around her waist were entrapping instead of comforting in any sense of the word.
"Cosima...," she murmured, gently bringing her out of her thoughts. She didn't continue until she had Cosima's gaze locked within hers. "Have I not been by your side? All those nights of research, all of those missed meals, the burnt coffee, the wrinkled sheets... we had a life built together, Cosima. It was strained, yes, because of my employers and I've had to tiptoe around certain topics with you.. but I've still fallen for you, cherie. And I am on your side. You know this, you know that I am."
"You've said that before, right after I found out you were lying to me," she replied sharply, her eyes dark.
"I have been trying to prove myself to you, Cosima," she said earnestly, leaning closer, her hand inches away from Cosima's. "Everything I've done since you trusted me with your sickness has been for you. What's stopping you from believing in that?"
"Nothing is! It's just.. I'm.. I'm confused, alright," she gave, dropping her anger in favour of exhaustion. "There's.. other things," she continued, her mouth faltering on the word. Because whatever she felt towards Sarah, those feelings weren't simple things. "Other things going on right now that I need to sort through," she finished quietly.
When Delphine spoke next, her voice was as just as quiet as Cosima's had been. And when she spoke, her words gave Cosima the chilling impression that her mind had just been read. "It's Sarah, is it not?"
"Sar- what? I.. no, no no, I.. I don't know what you're talking about. Sarah's just... no, it's.. uh, nothing," she stumbled, her words tight, voice high. Shit, Cosima. Way to be obvious.
Delphine regarded her then, her gaze piercing. "She does have a way about her, you know."
"I know what?" Cosima deflected hastily, "That she has a way about pissing me off all the time, because all we do is argue and we never get along, so-"
"But you love her," the French woman said simply, her tone matter-of-fact, like that declaration was already done and decided.
"Duh," Cosima rolled her eyes, but inwardly, her heart was pounding. Where was she going with all of this? "She's my sister, I kinda have to love her. I'd be constantly pissed off at her if I didn't love her. But I mean, I'm kinda always pissed at her, so-"
"Cosima," Delphine cut in, shaking her head slightly, her curls bouncing left and right with the movement of her head. "You know that that is not what I meant."
"Delphine...," Cosima began cautiously, "Why... why are you doing this? Shouldn't you be, you know, trying to convince me that-"
"It was you who said it, Cosima," she said, an undertow of sadness rushing under her simple words. "I... broke your heart. And you've had trouble trusting me ever since then. I can't do anything more for you. But Sarah's been there for you. Even though she's fought with you, she's never stopped fighting for you. And I can see that.. ma cherie."
"Is this it then?" Cosima asked, her brow furrowing as she fought tears. But she should be happy, shouldn't she be? She didn't have to worry about betraying one or the other. Delphine had taken care of that for her. So why did it hurt so goddamn much?!
"I'm not going to tell you who you should be with, Cosima," she responded, "I am selfish; if I could keep you all to myself, you know I would. But I want you to be happy. Your smile means more to me than my own happiness. Especially with your.. sickness," she paused as she looked at Cosima laying on the bed, noting the gathering tears there. "And if you choose Sarah... you should know this, cherie; that I love you, Cosima Niehaus. From the first moment I met you, you were no longer a tag number. You were.. you are a breathing, moving and living human being.
"And you are not just living, you are alive, and I've seen you and your passion and curiosity for the world and how it excites you. How everything excites you. And despite the way we had to come to know each other, despite the lies that our relationship first began on, everything I felt for you then, and everything I feel for you now... none of that has been a lie.
"I'm not saying this to keep you," she said softly after a small pause while she bit her lip in consideration, "Or to claim you as mine. Because what I've learned about you, Cosima, is that you are not a woman who can be kept. You wont let anything tie you down. Do not let me be the thing that holds you back, because I just want you to be happy. Whoever you choose to be happy with."
"Shit, Delphine," were the only words that Cosima could give voice to. "You just.. that was... I'm... I, um-"
"I said much, I know. I am sorry. But... it's something I've been thinking about a long time, cherie, ever since you left Minneapolis one month ago. So I will give you the same courtesy. Take as much time as you need, d'accord? I will love you no matter what you decide." With that, she stood from her chair, stooping a little to kiss her on the forehead, a move that made Cosima ache in her bones for Sarah, and headed out the door with only a small, sad smile in her direction, framed in red.
"I'm surprised you're not pacing by now," Felix smirked over at Sarah, who, despite fidgeting with everything within reach, was still sitting. "Getting used to the idea that she's not yours?"
"She's never been mine, Felix," she snarled, the stress from the past few days causing her temper to be shorter than usual. Which was saying something. "Why do you keep trying to play matchmaker? With clones for chrissake?!" It was a testament to her frustration that she hardly kept her voice down at the mention of the "C" word.
"Whoa, okay, just relax," he backed off, putting a hand up in a show of surrender.
"I'd relax more if you'd just stop-" she started, rounding on her brother in exasperation, her expression one of angered blame underneath the obvious exhaustion that dulled her eyes and drooped her features.
"I'm trying to help you, Sarah," he explained patiently.
"And how is encouraging whatever these shite feelings are towards Cosima helping me, exactly? Because you said it, that Delphine and her have ended up shagging, so how can I even possibly compete with that?" she asked, but the questions were already rhetorical in her mind. She couldn't compete with Delphine, so why was she even continuing to try?
"Because you've never broken her heart. Or betrayed her trust," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Honestly, Sarah, how could you have missed that?"
"Oi, I didn't miss it, I just-"
"And she feels safe with you," he added on quickly.
"Wha?" Sarah replied back with a start. "Safe? When.. did she say that?" she asked, her words almost indiscernible through a large yawn.
"The night you left for S's and had to come back because she was bloody crying on the couch," he explained quickly, but cut her off again before she could continue further, "Exactly when was the last time you slept, Sarah?"
"Yesterday," she said defensively even as she scrubbed guiltily at her eyes.
"And how many hours was that?" he prodded further as she let out another yawn.
"Long enough," she shrugged casually. Felix just gave her a long look in reply until she caved, her body sagging in exhaustion. "I couldn't sleep at home Fee," she confessed quietly, "I couldn't sleep knowing that she was here by herself. I woke up every hour, panicked that something had happened to her. And I hated leaving her here last night, I just couldn't-"
"So stay next time," he said, then elaborated at her confused expression, "Stay with her tonight. They do allow visitors in the ward overnight."
"No they-"
"They allow family," he stressed, cutting her off with a sharp look. "And those that the patient allows. Go on. Mention it to Cosima when Frenchie gets out."
At the mention of Delphine, Sarah sagged even more. "And if Cosima wants her to stay as well?"
"Then you better learn to get along. Because whether you like it or not, Cosima needs the both of you."
Just as Felix had said, nobody questioned her when she remained stubbornly in one of the two plastic visitor's chairs by Cosima's bed. "You look awful Sarah," Cosima teased, nudging the other woman's shoulder with her foot.
"Just tired," she shrugged, her heart hurting. She made her choice. And it wasn't me.
"Then why are you still here?" Cosima shot back, unable to help herself as she remembered Sarah's words earlier that day, Leave me the bloody hell alone. "Visiting hours are over. I've got Delphine coming to keep me company tonight, so you can just go home."
At Cosima's tone, Sarah sat up from where she was resting her arms by Cosima's feet and was ready to fire back a response, but when it was suggested to go home, she deflated. A small scoff escaped her lips as she shook her head. "You don't get it," she muttered.
"And what don't I get, exactly?" she shot right back, hoping to get some kind of familiar response out of Sarah. She needed it. During her time in Canada, their relationship had slowly begun to develop into something deeper than just the tug and pull of their constant bickering. And while the emotional and physical exploration had become this wonderful mystery that appealed to every aspect of Cosima's inquisitive nature, it was also driving her nuts. Their back and forth bickering... that was simple. Wherever their relationship was currently headed... that was definitely not.
And so, Sarah's response allowed Cosima to breathe momentarily. "Going home doesn't help, Cosima," she snarled, then softened, her next words so quiet that Cosima almost mistook them for a breathless sigh. "Not when my home is right here. Laying on this bed."
Shit, Cosima thought, I'm not really getting out of this, am I? "I... I never really said thank you. For, for.. earlier. When you woke me up from my nightmare this morning. And.. helped to, to.. calm me down," she said quietly after a moment during which she watched Sarah's fingers curl into a fist after her cautious statement.
"You needed help. I was there. I'm sure Delphine would have been equally as capable at comforting you and relaxing you," she said shortly, leaving it at that as her fist remained taut on the bed, her gaze landing elsewhere, anywhere else away from Cosima's eyes.
"I don't trust her like I trust you," Cosima admitted gently, nudging again with her foot so that Sarah's attention was reluctantly drawn back to her. "And... and I.. don't feel safe with her," she continued, looking directly into her eyes and speaking the word slowly to ensure that Sarah caught her exact meaning. "Like I feel safe with you."
"Bloody shite Cosima," Sarah snapped suddenly, slamming the fist down on the bed near her foot. "What've I told you about messing around?!"
Cosima started in shock, but a retort was already tingling on her tongue. "Telling you that I feel safer around you isn't mess-"
"Yes it is!" she snarled, and suddenly, the air around her was completely blood red. Cosima paled; she hadn't even noticed the apparitions against the bleaching fluorescent lights. But with Sarah's anger coursing through her, their outline was completely obvious, and they seemed to flare open and arch high towards the ceiling. Through all this, Sarah continued to growl, not noticing the way that Cosima had long since shrunk back from her. "Because it means that you trust me more than you trust her! And when you love someone, it means you trust them with your life! And if you trust me to calm you down more than you do Delphine, what does that say about the way you feel?!"
"Sarah, I... you just-"
"But all I've been seeing from you and your actions," she went on, her whole face and body transformed in her anger, "Is just how bloody much you love Delphine, and how you're only using me! So when I tell you to quit messing around, I bloody mean it Cosima!" And with her final exclamation, her wings snapped shut and vanished, the only red hue now found on Sarah's face was from the natural flush of her anger.
"I haven't been using you, Sarah," Cosima said after a quiet moment while she regained the words that were torn from her at the emotion in Sarah and the appearance of her wings. "I've been just as confused as you, okay. There's something about you that's different than Delphine and it's not like it's better or anything, it just.. is. And I.. I've been trying to sort that out. Will you let me do that?"
"I...," she began, and for a moment Cosima thought she'd try to press her into a decision right then and there. But she just released her hand from its fist and wove shaking fingers through her dark tresses. "Yeah. Sure Cos. You take your time. I just... yeah. I need sleep," she murmured, sounding completely drained after her outburst.
"I'll wake you if I need anything," she replied softly as Sarah discarded her jacket onto the chair back and folded her arms on the foot of the bed and immediately closed her eyes without reply. Then, because it seemed to be the right thing to do, Cosima sat up and scooted closer to her with not a slight amount of struggle and pain and bent forward to kiss her on the top of her head.
Sarah's breath hitched at the feel of the light touch, but otherwise didn't open her eyes as she mumbled, "You really went to all that work for a stupid kiss on my head?"
Settling back against her pillow once more, using only one hand and a lot of bum-shuffling to get back in place, she shrugged, knowing that Sarah would hear the motion in the tone of her voice. "You've always done that to me when I've been upset and it always calms me down somehow. I.. I just wanted you to feel, uh, a little more.. at home, you know?"
And Sarah just smiled, the expression the most genuine that Cosima had ever seen on the other woman. "Goodnight Cos," she mumbled, her words already lost to the sleep that she hadn't been able to find since Cosima first fell.
Delphine arrived shortly after Sarah had fallen asleep to find Cosima with the same magazine that she had first found her reading propped open in her hand. "Not much else to read around here, hm cherie?" she laughed lightly, her heart soaring as she watched Cosima smile unconsciously in response to the sound.
"What gave it away?" Cosima said with a roll of her eyes and a yawn.
She gestured to the cover of the glossy paperback with a small smile, "I have never known you to be interested in interior decorating."
"Yeah, it's kinda dry. Though there was a section on the science of colour," she said, etching the air with the two fingers of her free hand. "Apparently, according to this section titled 'How to Decorate Your Home', different colours affect a person's mood. Not like it really matters though," she continued bitterly, tossing aside the magazine carelessly, "It's not like I've been anywhere long enough to be able to call anything home."
"Perhaps, when you recover," Delphine began slowly, hesitantly, "You could... come back with me. If, for nothing else, just for you to be able to conduct your own experiments."
"We could put our minds together again," Cosima nodded in thought absently. But could I do that to her?After leaving Delphine, could I really leave Sarah after everything that's happened? "I don't know if I'll be able to fly so soon after getting out of the hospital though. You know, doctor might order bed rest and all that."
"Yes, of course," she nodded abruptly, "You will need more time to think about it."
"What? Delphine no, that's not what I-"
"But it is what you implied."
"Delphine... what happened to giving me as much time as I needed?" Cosima questioned, her tone radiating the slightest amount of anger. She's lying to you again. Last time it was her actions, this time it's her words.
"I am not asking you to find a home in me, Cosima," Delphine replied with her own edge, causing Cosima to sit up slightly in surprise and fascination that she had actually managed to drive her that far. "The suggestion I am giving you is merely with your best interest in mind. You should know this; that you cannot possibly do as much in the flat as you could do back in a proper laboratory."
"Obvs," Cosima rolled her eyes again, feeling her ire rise, "You think my reason for staying here is because of the amount of research I can do at Felix's? Of course I know that I can't do shit at his place, it's a dump, alright. I know that."
"Then come back!" Delphine urged, momentarily forgetting that Sarah was nearby, only freezing when a slight noise of discontent breathed past the punk woman's lips.
"You said that you would give me time, Delphine," Cosima hissed back. "You can't expect-"
"I mean to give you time to sort out your affections, Cosima! This research that I am aiding you with, at a great risk to myself, as you clearly understand, is more than what's going on in your heart! I am not asking you to come back for myself, it is for you that I-"
"It sure seems pretty selfish, Delphine," Cosima cut off contemptuously. And, before Delphine could rally a response, she continued, pointing to Sarah with a sharp jab, "And just so you know? She's the reason I haven't left yet. And she's why I'm definitely not going anywhere anytime soon."
"So you have.. made up your mind then," Delphine said softly, sadness slashing at her words. "I could see... but.. I still had hoped that, well... No matter. You love her, then, yes?"
"I... she...," she began, but fell at a complete loss for words. She bit her lip, forced herself to continue, avoiding the answer that she knew to be true in her heart, "I.. loved you Delphine. And I still love you. But I just.. can't shake the thought that you work for them, Delphine. And every time I remember that I.. I'll feel that betrayal all over again. The hurt from that broken heart, the.. the, the pain from our first fight.
"And then I see Sarah... and she's.. she's never hurt me like that. Like you have. And.. I understand, believe me, I do, that you were just doing your job but... I.. I can't be with someone who might have another agenda. I'm not saying that you don't love me, because obvs, I know you do but... it seems like.. when you're asking me to come back, I just...," she sighed heavily, leaving words of betrayal and excuses thick in the air as she continued, "But Sarah.. she's different. I know that she's always put me first. In everything. It's.. what she does. She protects. She uses all of her strength and her intensity to protect her family, her daughter... to protect me. She didn't have to call you to let you know that I was here in the hospital, but she did anyway because she knew that I would have wanted you to be here. That's what she does, Delphine, she puts other people first."
"I would-" Delphine tried.
"You would too, I know that," Cosima replied just as swiftly, sweeping a hand through the air. "But you work for an organization that doesn't exactly allow its employees to think freely like that, you know?"
"You are... sure that this is your choice?"
"I..," Cosima started, the word hanging on her hesitation for an age. Then, "Yes. I love you Delphine, but... well-"
Without a word, she leaned forward and kissed Cosima, a soft and lingering touch. A goodbye. "I understand, cherie," she whispered, reaching out one last time to brush gentle fingers against the soft skin of her jawline. Cosima closed her eyes at the familiarity of the act, realizing just then that that touch had always been woven throughout their relationship, through their days and months together. And, in the darkness of her eyelids, she found herself wanting, craving, to keep that touch in her life. Because she just couldn't understand why her heart had chosen the woman at her feet instead.
"Goodnight.. my love," she breathed and Cosima let the words wash over her, fall on top of her, not knowing when, if ever, she'd hear those syllables from one Delphine Cormier's mouth again. She opened her eyes to respond, to say goodbye, but by the time she had, the other woman, the one she still wanted to love, was gone.
Sarah drifted into consciousness at the hush sounds of distressed voices. More specifically, Cosima's distressed voice. She was about to open her eyes, ask what was wrong, when she caught a hint of their conversation.
"...this is your choice?" she heard Delphine speak, and Sarah tensed on the bed at Cosima's feet, straining her ears as she lay deathly still to pick up Cosima's response. Her hearing was slightly muffled by the way that she was resting her head, her senses were still muffled from sleep, but Cosima's words came as clearly to her as if they whispered deliberately into her ear.
"I love you, Delphine."
Those were the words that she knew to be inevitable. Had still been desperately hoping against. Clinging to the irrationality that maybe Cosima was addressing Delphine with a different kind of love, Sarah slit her gaze and tried to take in the scene past her lashes. She had to shift slightly to get their faces in view, but when she did she saw Delphine lean in and capture Cosima's contented expression with a kiss.
As she shut her eyes again, her heart burning with betrayal, she knew that she couldn't blame her. No, she couldn't blame Cosima one bit for choosing Delphine over her. Because at the end of the day, at the end of most things, everyone chose something else over Sarah Manning. That was always her life, her reality. And despite there being something indescribably different about Cosima, despite the primal hope that Cosima would finally break the cycle, it turned out that she was exactly the same as the others. And that was the most shattering part of it all.