Chapter Summary:
Jane falls ill.
"I see they left you behind as well," Losyre said as she sat down at one of the tables in the tavern. Every night most of the Inquisition ate dinner here in this tavern – usually strange foods Losyre had never had before – and she was grateful they let her eat with them. Normally she and Jane would have dinner together, but tonight Jane was somewhere in Val Royeaux, looking to gain Chantry approval, or at least the support of some of its members, after a mother Giselle had sent her there. Losyre had been encouraged not to come. She understood of course, she was an elf, and as such, her role as Herald was more effective if she was not seen.
"I suspect for the same reasons you were left behind," Solas said when she was seated across from him.
"Don't tell me they have declared you the herald of a religion you have no connection with, meaning you are used as just a symbol?"
Solas smiled a little, "No, but I think you'll find an elven apostate has a similar effect on the Chantry."
Losyre took a few bites of the stew she'd been served. "I would take your role over mine any day," she said. She had not spoken to Solas a lot since stabilizing the breach, mostly by choice, but despite their differences, Losyre could not help but feel grateful she wasn't the only elf in the Inquisition.
"You will come to rethink that statement with time," Solas said softly. Losyre wasn't sure what he meant by it, but something in his face seemed different.
Before she could ask Solas anything else, the door of the tavern opened and Cullen and Josephine appeared. Losyre was surprised because Cullen never seemed to dine in the tavern, but when the two advisors approached her table it became clear why they were both there.
"Herald," Cullen said, "your presence is required in the war room."
"Me? You do realise I was a hunter in my clan, not a strategist."
"That does not mean your insight cannot be valuable," Solas said. Losyre turned to look at him, surprised by the compliment.
"You are an important part of this Inquisition," Josephine said, "we should show you the respect due to you and your efforts so far."
Losyre smiled, she liked Josephine, she was one of the few people willing to acknowledge how strange this situation was for Losyre, and who seemed to genuinely care about how she was treated.
"All right," Losyre got up from the table, "let's go strategize then," she said, almost without laughing.
"Goodbye," Solas said, when Losyre turned to go.
"Oh," Losyre looked over her shoulder, "yes, goodbye Solas."
"Losyre!" Jane's enthusiastic greeting came as soon as Losyre entered the war room. Jane threw her arms around Losyre's neck. "It is good to see you again!"
"Jane, you're back! How did it go?"
Jane bit her lip and glanced at Josephine, Leliana, Cullen and Cassandra. "Not well, the Chantry members… well, they were dead set against us, and then the Templars –"
"Have abandoned reason!" Cullen suddenly interjected. "Breaking away from the Chantry… I can at least see their reasoning, but attacking its members!"
"Attacking?"
Jane nodded.
"I suppose we should try to contact the mage rebellion then?" Losyre asked.
"I believe some of the Templars will still be willing to help us," Cullen said.
"But isn't the Lord Seeker the highest authority? If we don't have his support, how would it work?" Jane asked Cullen.
"We cannot know how many of the Templars agree with his actions, if there is enough dissent in the ranks that we can convince Templars to join us, the Lord Seeker will have to follow."
"How do we even convince these Templars?" Losyre asked, not feeling very hopeful. She wanted to suggest contacting the mages again, after all they had enough magical power to help them, but Losyre feared the advisors would not listen to her, as she was just an agent of the Inquisition, Herald or not.
"The order was founded to fight magic, the Templars will recognise it is their duty to help us close the Breach," Cullen said. "We've received word from a knight-recruit willing to talk to the Inquisition, the Templars gather at Therinfal Redoubt."
"One Templar willing to meet with us will not be enough," Losyre said.
"You are right," Leliana said, "we must prove ourselves a more attractive prospect."
"If it's status the Lord Seeker seeks the Inquisition will approach him after allying with the noblest houses in Orlais," Josephine said.
"We don't have time to barter for favours, Josephine," Cassandra said, "the breach must be sealed soon."
"Without their help, we might never convince the Templars," Josephine said.
"Then they will come with us to Therinfal and demand the Templars help close the breach," Leliana said.
"You believe that will work?" Jane asked.
"Provided we manage to convince the houses to ally with us, yes," Josephine said.
"Even the Lord Seeker would find it difficult to ignore so many nobles on his doorstep," Cassandra said.
"Yes," Leliana said, "especially with your help, Lady Trevelyan."
"My help?" Jane asked surprised.
"Yes, your name is not well-known in Orlais, but they will recognise your title."
"Shouldn't Losyre go, she's the Herald," Jane said.
"She is, but I believe she will be more effective if she stays here," Leliana said.
"So I can remain a symbol, rather than who I am," Losyre said. While angry, she did understand why they wanted her out of sight, whatever weight those nobles would add to their cause when presented to the Templars, would be diminished if the Templars saw the Inquisition led by a Dalish elf. Considering how controversial Losyre's title as herald was, how many doubted her validity, it would not elevate her above her normal social rank.
"I have to agree, Lady Lavellan," Josephine said apologetically.
"I understand," Losyre said.
"Well I don't," Jane said. "Losyre has done so much for this Inquisition, she deserves more respect than that."
"I agree," Cullen said.
"Rumours you were saved by Andraste have spread among the Templars," Leliana said, "and while we have done our greatest to encourage the rumours, I fear they might not be ready to accept that you are an elf. The noblest will not at least."
"We can worry about the Herald's status later. First we must close the breach," Cassandra said.
"Yes, I understand," Losyre said, wanting the discussion to be over.
"And are you willing to go and represent the Inquisition, Jane?" Cullen asked.
"Of course, if it will help."
"Good, we will leave as soon as Josephine has made the arrangements," Cassandra said. "Josephine will accompany us."
"I will remain here," Leliana said.
"And you?" Jane asked, looking at Cullen.
Cullen flushed red for reasons only he understood, "Me?" He looked at Cassandra who seemed as confused by his fluster as Losyre was. "I… no, I'm afraid not, I'm needed here to train the new recruits and there is very little use for my skills at Therinfal."
"Oh," Jane said, "of course."
The meeting was quickly concluded and Jane was dragged away by Cassandra to prepare for the journey. There had been a time the Inquisition had ignored Jane's presence in Haven, but now they knew of her title, they were all too glad to use it. Losyre understood, but it made her feel useless as she was once again left to wait in Haven as other people took care of important quests.
Two weeks passed. Losyre spent most of them hunting in the woods around Haven, and many of its inhabitants were glad of the extra meat. This night the cooks in the taverns used two rams she had killed to make another stew – Fereldens seemed quite keen on their stews. Losyre was sitting by herself, and had just finished her meal when Josephine entered the tavern.
"Ah, Lady Lavellan!"
"You were looking for me?"
"Yes, I… I wanted to ask you something."
"You sound more serious than usual Josephine, should I worry?"
"No, I wanted to ask you if anyone in the Inquisition, well, if after last time there have been anymore incidents?"
Losyre smiled, "You are an incredibly kind person Josephine," she said.
Josephine blushed, "I think it is my duty to ensure everyone is treated with respect here," she said.
"You have nothing to worry about, I thin everyone in Haven has gotten used to my presence, I've not felt unwelcome at all."
"I am glad to hear it, Herald."
Losyre resisted the urge to correct Josephine. "I'm thankful for your kindness and your help."
"I believe Cullen has spoken to the soldiers as well, I'm sure that helped as well."
"He did?"
"He would not want his men to not show the proper conduct around you."
"Yes, he seems like a good man."
"I agree." Josephine smiled, she tried to hide it, but Losyre had spotted it.
"What?"
Josephine shook her head.
"Josephine…"
"It's nothing, I have… noticed how Jane and Cullen look at each other," she said, hiding her face behind her hand.
"Oh, right," Losyre said.
Josephine looked around the tavern, as if expecting Cullen to suddenly be spying on them, "Does Jane have an interest in him?"
"Yes, why would you doubt it?" Losyre laughed.
"I don't know, I suppose she's just not said anything."
"She's only known the man for a few weeks, you cannot expect her to openly confess her love just yet."
"No, but…" Josephine bit her lip. "The commander is a very shy man, I suspect that if she does not show her interest in him, he will not notice."
"If Cullen can't tell by how she's been looking at him, or the things she has said, he's a fool," Losyre said.
"I think most of us need some encouragement to fall in love," Josephine said.
"I would think–"
Josephine suddenly elbowed Losyre in the rib when the door of the tavern was thrown open and Cullen entered. Losyre had to laugh at them almost being caught, but then she saw the flustered and worried look on Cullen's face.
"Herald! Ambassador Montilyet!" Cullen rushed over to their table. "The party has returned, and" – Cullen shook his head – "the scout who rode out before them, he said something happened to Jane."
"What happened to her?" Losyre got up from her seat.
"I'm not sure, but the scout said something about a demon waiting for them at Therinfal, I came to get you as soon as I heard."
"They're bringing her to the Chantry, we have healers, she will be all right," Cullen said as they left the tavern, but he didn't sound too convinced.
When they reached the Chantry, the doors were wide open and they entered just in time to watch a group of soldiers carry Jane into one of the smaller rooms in the Chantry. Losyre rushed forward and as they laid Jane down on the bed.
"What happened?" Losyre looked at Jane's pale face.
From behind her she could suddenly hear Cassandra's voice. "She was attacked by a demon, the Lord Seeker… he wasn't there, a demon took his place."
"What did it do to her?" Losyre asked.
"We're not sure, it attacked her and she hasn't woken since then."
Cullen was standing by the door, looking almost as pale as Jane did, his hands clasped in front of him. The soldiers who had carried Jane left the room, when they were gone, Solas appeared in the doorway. "I think I might be of some assistance."
"You can wake her?" Losyre asked.
"No, only Trevelyan can do that, but I might be able to ease the process."
"What do you need?" Cullen asked.
"I have everything I need in my bag, it's in my cabin."
"I'll fetch it," Cullen said, looking relieved to have something to do.
"You are certain you can help?" Cassandra asked.
"Yes."
"I will ask mother Giselle if she can send for more healers," Cassandra said.
"I believe the Seeker has no faith in my ability to help," Solas said once he and Losyre were left alone with Jane.
Losyre only glanced at Solas. She took Jane's hand, hoping Solas wouldn't remark on the gesture. "Sylaise, garas ne sahlin, emma athim. Las ar ma enansal; halani mir falon, las ma'enaste," she said softly. ["Sylaise, I come to you now, full of humility. Grant me your blessing; help my friend, grant her your favour."] *
"You believe in the elven gods then?" Solas asked.
"You don't?"
Solas smiled wryly, "No." He looked at Jane's hand in Losyre's. "But I understand the sentiment of the prayer."
Losyre looked up at Solas. "Sometimes I wonder whether you are intentionally trying to distance yourself from everyone else," Losyer said before she'd considered her words.
Solas raised an eyebrow. "Unlike yourself, I suppose.".
Losyre looked at Jane, the only person she felt close to in the Inquisition. "I… yes, you're right, it's just difficult, being here."
"Away from your clan?"
Losyre narrowed her eyes, not appreciating the tone of his voice. "That too," she said, refusing to hide her grief at being apart from her family. "But I meant being here, wearing this mark, this mark that they all think belongs to religion." Losyre shook her head. "What if I was saved by some greater power, but it wasn't the Maker? What if it was one of our gods? But they wouldn't even consider that. Their Divine dies, and a Dalish elf survives, and it still has to be the work of the Maker? Wouldn't it make more sense if one of the Evanuris pulled me out of the Fade? Gave me this mark?"
Solas looked at her inquisitively. He was about to speak, but was stopped by Cullen returning to the room.
"Here," Cullen handed Solas his bag, "if you need anything else, let me know." Cullen went to stand in the corner of the room, apparently determined to stay there.
"Thank you commander," Solas said, "this might take a while, you might want to consider getting some rest," Solas said and then turned to Losyre, "and you as well."
"I'm not leaving," Losyre said just as Cullen blurted out, "I prefer to stay."
Solas only raised his eyebrows in reply and then set to work.
"It seems the elves know more about healing than we do," Cullen said after watching Solas working for a while.
"I don't believe that is true," Solas said.
"Well, I see you know what to do for Ja – Lady Trevalyan – while our healers are no help. I'm sure there are other areas where we could learn from the elves as well," Cullen said.
"Only in as much as they could learn from you," Solas said, "you should not mistake the mystique surrounding elves for hidden knowledge. I have met few elves who impressed me with their knowledge or skill."
"Truly?" Cullen asked surprised.
"Really?" Losyre asked.
"Yes," Solas said, "many elves, the Dalish especially, cling to this believe that they lost the most advanced civilisation the world has ever known, the truth is much simpler of course, and they take pride in something that did not exist as they imagined it, and hold up traditions they have twisted as some proof of their own superiority."
"You are very harsh on your own kind then," Losyre said.
"My own kind?" Solas asked, genuinely surprised. "You mean – ah, I see. I do not consider myself to have much in common with elves."
"Of course not, how else could you judge them so severely, if you did not distance yourself from them first."
Solas and Losyre locked eyes and only broke their silent stand-off when Cullen spoke.
"Wherever you learned your skill, I am grateful for it," Cullen said.
Solas turned to Cullen, "Of course, I am glad to help."
"And I am certain Lady Lavellan could teach us something as well," Cullen said, clearly trying to keep the peace.
"I do not doubt it," Solas said.
"After what you just said about the Dalish?" Losyre asked incredulously.
"I can judge you on your own merit," Solas said. "I've seen you fight, the grace with which you move and wield your daggers."
"Are you suggesting I'm graceful?" Losyre asked surprised.
"No, I am declaring it. It was not a subject for debate."
Losyre was so surprised by the sudden compliment she fell silent.
Outside the Chantry, Haven grew quiet as well, only a few soldiers remained on guard duty, the rest of the village and those camping around it went to bed. Solas worked through the night, applying potions neither Losyre nor Cullen had ever seen before. Losyre stayed by Jane's side until she eventually fell asleep, slumped over in her chair, her head on the bed. Cullen managed to stay awake longer, used to working through the night, but he too, eventually, nodded off, sloped over in a chair, his head resting on the large fur around his shoulders.
Solas woke neither of them, he did gently move Losyre's head when she was in the way, and to move her to a position that looked more comfortable. It was morning by the time they were interrupted, when Cassandra entered the small room again.
"Cullen?" Cassandra was surprised to find the commander sleeping in a chair. Cullen jolted awake, tried to get up from the chair, but was too sleepy and fell back into the chair.
The commotion awoke Losyre whose hand was still locked around Jane's hand, that twitched when the commotion woke up her as well.
Jane blinked against the bright light in the room and gasped when Losyre suddenly threw her arms around her. "Jane!"
"I missed you too," Jane said, patting her friend on the back. Losyre sat back in the chair, flushing red, seemingly embarrassed by her outburst.
Jane slowly sat upright in the bed, only now did she spot Cullen. His hair was a mess, and there was the impression of fur still pressed into his cheek. "Cul – commander – you're here?" Jane asked surprised.
"It seems he is," Cassandra said, looking at Cullen.
"I… I only wanted to make sure you were all right, I mean…" Cullen turned bright red, rubbed the back of his neck and abruptly got up and left the room. Losyre shook her head.
"How are you feeling?" Solas asked Jane.
Jane blinked. "Fine I suppose… considering."
"Considering what? What happened to you?" Losyre asked.
"I'm not sure," Jane said. "When we went after the Lord Seeker I was attacked by this demon, an envy demon and it just… it was in my head. It made me see things."
"What sort of things?" Cassandra asked.
Jane shook her head. "Things it knew would upset me. Things I would never do."
"It tried to possess you?" Losyre asked.
"No, it wanted to become me, that's what it kept saying, that it was learning to become me."
"You managed to resist it," Cassandra said, and it was unclear whether she was declaring it or asking for confirmation.
"I wasn't alone," Jane said, "there was another spirit, it helped me."
"Helped you?" Cassandra asked. "It did not try to tempt you?"
Jane shook her head, "No, it – he – was a good spirit I think. He called himself Cole. He said he wanted to help."
"Most likely a spirit of compassion," Solas said.
"There are spirits of compassion?" Losyre asked.
"Not many," Solas said. He turned to Jane, "You are very fortunate to have encountered one."
"Lady Trevelyan should rest," Cassandra suddenly interrupted the conversation. "Herald, your presence is needed in the war room, we have things to discuss, we have to plan for when the Templars arrive to help us close the breach."
"Of course," Losyre said, not missing the fact that she was only invited this time because they needed her mark.
"The Templars will help then?" Solas asked.
Cassandra nodded, "Many of them believe in the Herald, they want to serve the Maker and believe her to be his champion."
Losyre got up, she squeezed Jane's hand. "I'll come back to check on you after the meeting."
Cassandra left the room and Losyre was about to follow, but she paused and turned to Solas. "Thank you," she said. Solas merely nodded in response.
Losyre quickly caught up with Cassandra. "What was the commander doing in that room?" Cassandra asked.
"Cullen? He was worried," Losyre said.
"About Trevelyan," Cassandra said.
"Is that a problem?" Losyre asked, feeling defensive over her friend.
"In truth, I can see a problem with… such an attachment."
Losyre raised her eyebrows, amazed anyone would disapprove of Jane. "I'm not sure why you would be concerned."
"Cullen has other things he most concentrate on, before he…" Cassandra bit her lip. "I should not have spoken, Trevelyan is your friend."
"She is," Losyre said and she pushed open the doors to the war room.
Josephine and Cullen were already waiting inside. Cullen had fixed his hair a little.
"Officers betraying their soldiers, Templars without leaders, a demon imitating the Lord Seeker…" Cassandra said, holding a report in his hands.
"I should have come with you," Cullen said.
"You are hardly political, Commander," Josephine said, "your presence was not necessary. At any rate, we have gained the Templars as allies."
"Allies?" Cassandra huffed. "The crimes they've committed, we should not have allied with them."
"I agree with Cassandra," Leliana said, "the Templars were at our mercy, yet the terms of this alliance do not benefit the Inquisition as they should."
"We cannot change the alliance Lady Trevelyan arranged," Josephine said.
"She should have consulted us," Leliana said.
"We sent her there to represent the Inquisition, we should show faith in her," Josephine said.
"I agree with Josephine," Losyre said, "if you are unwilling to take Jane's guidance, you should not have put her in charge of this." Losyre looked at Leliana, who remained quiet. "When will the Templars arrive?"
"We expect them–" Josephine said but was interrupted when suddenly a young man appeared before them.
"They're almost here, Templars don't like to be late," the young man said. He was sitting on the war table.
"Maker!" Cullen exclaimed, drawing his sword. Cassandra quickly did the same.
"I came to help. I would have spoken before, but you were busy. I want to help. Like before."
Both Cullen and Cassandra drew closer to the young man. It was clear the others saw him as a threat, but something he said had reminded Losyre of what Jane had told her.
"Wait!" Losyre said to the others. She turned to the young man, "Are you… Cole?"
The young man only glanced at her from under his large hat. "I am."
"You helped my friend, Jane," Losyre said.
"She did not want the demon in her head. She did not want me either. She only wanted herself in her head."
Losyre turned to the other, "Cole helped Jane fight the demon who attacked her, I think we can trust him."
"Trust him?" Cullen asked, he almost sounded personally offended by the notion.
"Herald, this creature is not–" Cassandra started to say.
"I would like to hear why he came," Leliana said.
"You make people safe. I want to do that," Cole said.
"I believe him," Losyre said. "We should let him stay."
"You're not honestly suggesting we give him run of the camp?" Cullen asked, incredulous.
"Cole could help us," Losyre said.
Cullen was about to protest further, but then Cole disappeared as quickly as he had arrived.
"I'll have people look for the boy," Leliana said, "for now we must concentrate on the Breach."
"We'll need your help when the Templars arrive," Cullen said to Losyre.
Losyre was thankful when the meeting ended. Exiting the Chantry she was met by Jane. "How did things go in there?" she asked.
"I thought you'd still be in bed," Losyre said.
Jane shrugged.
"Lady Trevelyan!" Cullen approached them. "You are… are you well?"
"I am," Jane said. Both Jane and Cullen seemed busy studying the leaves on the ground.
"What happened to you in Therinfal was terrible, to have a demon try to corrupt your mind like that is no minor thing. I know what that's like, I'm glad to see you well," Cullen said.
"You do?" Jane asked. "What did you see?"
"I'd rather not speak of it," Cullen said.
"I understand," Jane said.
"What did you see?" Losyre asked Jane.
Jane hesitated before answering, "The demon showed me myself, doing things I would never do."
Cullen nodded.
"It showed me…" Jane took a deep breath. "It showed me myself, killing you." Jane looked at Cullen.
"Me?" he asked surprised.
"Yes, I think it was showing me things it knew would upset me."
Cullen blinked, "And that upset you, watching me die?"
Jane turned bright red, before she could answer though, one of the Inquisition's scouts approached Cullen with a report. Cullen took the report and quickly looked it over. "I have things to attend to," he said before saying goodbye to them both. Losyre watched Jane as she waved Cullen off, keeping her face hidden behind her hair.
That night there was a celebration in Haven, the tavern was full of people, there was music and enough drink to last the night. Losyre was unsure of what was being celebrated – perhaps the alliance with the Templars – but had come along at Jane's request. Jane meanwhile had recovered quickly and was her old self again.
Jane had been staring at Cullen, who was sitting in the corner of the room, looking exceptionally uncomfortable, and out of place, still dressed in full armour. Jane seemed to be having other thoughts, as her concentration was only broken when the door to the tavern opened and Solas entered.
"Perhaps I should thank him again," Jane said.
"Have you not thanked him enough?" Losyre asked.
"Yes, I suppose."
"Besides, wouldn't you much rather talk to the commander?" Losyre elbowed her friend.
"What?" Jane asked, flushing red.
"I could call him over to our table," Losyre teased.
"No! Please don't," Jane said. "I wouldn't know what to say."
"So you admit you do want to talk to him!"
Jane turned even redder.
"Maybe ask him to dance?" Losyre suggested, looking at few people – who'd probably had too much of the taverns beer – dancing.
"I couldn't!" Jane said, hiding her face behind her hands.
Losyre laughed and so did Jane.
"And, is there anyone you'd like to dance with?" Losyre asked.
"Here? No."
"Solas maybe?"
"You're only suggesting Solas because we are both elves," Losyre said.
"It gives you something to talk about; something you have in common."
"I don't think he'd agree," Losyre said. "Besides, he is the last person I would ever dance with."
Much to Losyre's dismay, Solas approached their table. "I see you have recovered from your ordeal," Solas said to Jane.
"Yes, thank you again."
"I did very little, the victory was yours."
Jane shook her head, "No, I had help."
"Yes, from Cole," Solas said.
"Have you seen him?" Jane asked. "I want to thank him, but haven't been able to find him. Losyre said he is somewhere in the camp."
"I have met Cole, yes," Solas said.
"You weren't afraid?" Losyre asked. "Most people seem to be unnerved by him, if they even remember him."
"I have some experience in these matters," Solas said. "Cole is a spirit of Compassion, you need not fear him."
"I don't," Losyre said.
"That is admirable, few would find that courage, given what is taught about spirits these days."
"Jane wasn't afraid either."
Solas turned to Jane. "How did Cole seem to you?"
"Like a nice young man, spirit or not."
Solas nodded.
"You are surprised?" Losyre asked.
"I am." Solas studied Losyre's face. "I would have expected you to be more apprehensive of Cole, I believe the Dalish share very specific teachings about spirits."
"I am capable of judging people on my own terms, besides, we might not be as ignorant as you like to paint us."
"I would never dismiss the Dalish's worth, I am simply not willing to overlook their faults."
"I think you are too eager to look for faults," Losyre said.
"Every group has its faults."
"And people?"
"People as well," Solas said.
"And what of you then? What are your faults?" Losyre asked.
"You cannot discern them for yourself?" Solas asked, almost challenging her.
"I would not dare, it would not be my place, being just a Dalish."
"I suspect you have already," Solas said.
"But you have no faults, you're known for that! You will not even allow yourself the fault of being an elf!"
"I do not consider myself a part of the modern elves, no, but I have never claimed not to have any shortcomings in my character," Solas said.
"Oh, I would not have expected such an admission on your part," Losyre said, "tell me then, what is this flaw in your character?"
Solas seemed to consider whether he would answer her, then, after a short pause, "Pride."
Losyre and Solas looked at each other. Jane had become increasingly uneasy with where this conversation was leading. She got up from her chair. "Let's get some fresh drinks," she said to Losyre as she grabbed her arm and dragged her up with her.
Losyre followed Jane, but was stopped by Solas who called her name. "Losyre, I think it's only fair if you tell me yours." Losyre considered for a while, then smiled, "I believe in this aspect, we are similar," she said, "I would say pride as well, but I am not certain if I would consider it a flaw."
Notes:
* I had to think of a prayer, and one I could actually translate with the few words we know in elven. I directed the prayer to Sylaise as she taught elves how to use herbs and magic for healing purposes.
I'm thinking it's probably obvious which chapters I've combined, but if you're curious, feel free to ask me!