I don't own Harry Potter.
Thanks for reviews: Mamastei, anotherboarduser, guests, Althea27, Marietta, jaspreet, Atala444,narutonarutolove, Eawynne, Illyria934, amazing person
I know, it's been like three months since I updated. I can't believe it my self. I haven't been doing much writing lately, cause I'v been so busy, but here's a Christmas Present for everyone. I hope you like!
Chapter 43 "Not a Dream"
It was raining outside, a chilling rain that went straight down into the bones. Lily shivered a bit as the first drops hit her face. Remus looked at her worriedly as they stood outside the hospital and she shuddered.
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked as Lily lifted her face to the rain. She shivered again, but smiled widely. "Yes. Everything will be okay now that Severus is here."
She gripped Remus' hand tightly and turned on the spot. She knew where Severus must have gone. The only place that he had left: home.
The dark potions shop looked especially dreary in the downpour, which was getting heavier by the second. Lily pulled a reluctant Remus inside after unlocking the door.
Rems tugged his wand out of his pocket, muttering a spell to dry them both before saying quietly, "Maybe I should stay here until you get things sorted out." His voice was barely a whisper, and his eyes landed on the stairs leading to the second floor.
"Alright." she looked at him, his uneasiness making her feel guilty. "I know what I did was wrong, letting you stay here without Severus knowing, but I don't regret having you as a friend, Remus. I really appreciate you being there for me these past few weeks."
Remus shifted on his feet, looking pleased and embarrassed at the same time. "Just go fix the mess I made, will you?"
Lily nodded, and her face was beginning to hurt from how much she was smiling. There might be a huge mess to sort through, but this was it; Severus was finally here!
Every step that led her upstairs felt like one too many. Her heart began racing in excitement even before she reached the landing. She saw the door to the apartment open and she pushed it open further so she could enter.
"Severus?" she called, bounding through the apartment, acting reminiscently of a young deer. The lightness in her hear was beginning to gain weight again, feeling like it was being injected with lead as there was no reply to her call.
"Severus?" she called again, this time her voice worried. Quickly searching the rooms and finding no evidence of the man she loved, Lily closed her eyes feeling very overwhelmed. Breathing deeply to calm herself, she thought of where Severus could have gone. But there was nowhere else he had. No relatives or friends. He was completely alone, except for her. She had been the only thing that mattered to him, the one thing he truly loved beyond anything else. The beam of light that led the way through his dark life, like the light of a lighthouse brings ships home had destroyed that, and in doing so destroyed him.
Lily was standing in the bedroom now and glanced at the bed, where Severus' pair of well fingered robes lied. She fell to her knees beside the bed, clutching the robes in her hands and gripping them tight in front of her head as if she were pa child saying her goodnight prayers.
"Sev, where did you go?" she whispered. A black hand gripped her heart. Did he go to do something stupid? Well, she wasn't going to let him. Releasing the robes, she stood determinedly. They had gone through so much to be together and she was not going to let it end here, especially not since it was her fault.
Remus, who was leaning against a shelf downstairs with his eyes closed, nearly had a heart attack when Lily came barreling down the stairs. He jumped up, frightened by the expression on Lily's face.
"He's not here, Remus. I don't know where he could have gone, but I'm afraid he's going to do something stupid."
"Tell me what I can do to help." Remus said, feeling terrible. This was partly his fault and he had to help Lily fix it in any way he could.
"I don't know where to start looking," Lily said, the fear in her voice betraying the determined expression on her face.
"Maybe down the street? We can walk-" Remus started, knowing the suggestion was stupid, but Lily shushed him in mid sentence.
"Listen" she whispered, moving closer to him. There was an odd squeaking noise coming from the back of the shop. "Come on." They moved into the dark together and Remus lit his wand to provide them with a halo of light so they could see. The shelves of ingredients felt like they were pressing in on the two as they moved toward the squeaking sound, futher back into the shop. The shelves opened up and the wand light illuminated the wooden back door, swinging on its hinges and creaking each time a gust of wind blew.
"I didn't even know this door was here. I never came back here before. I mostly stayed in the front of the shop." Lily said quietly, stepping closer to the creaking door. The floor in front of it was wet, as the rain was blowing towards the shop in freezing torrents.
"Be careful." Remus warned, staying close to her. He didn't need for her to be attacked by a criminal or worse, a Death Eater.
"Don't worry Remus."
Remus sighed and rolled his eyes sarcastically, because all he had been doing lately was worrying about her. How could he not? Then Remus lost sight of her because she stepped outside. The door slammed against the frame angrily as another violent gust of wind shrieked outside, but it still wasn't loud enough to mask Lily's shrill cry.
"Lily!" Remus pushed the door, bursting outside into the chilling rain. Lily's red hair stood out in the drear greyness of the rain. She was kneeling on the ground, her clothes covered in mud and next to her was a scrawny body clothed in black.
Lily's frantic green eyes found Remus' and she screamed. "It's Severus. Remus, help me!" Remus quickly bent beside her and worked his hands under Severus' armpits, hauling him up. Lily grabbed his legs and together they carried him back inside. He was surprisingly light, but maybe it shouldn't have been surprising after all, as he had spent three months being starved almost to death.
"Let's carry him upstairs," Lily said, shaking her head so the wet strands of hair covering her eyes flew out of her line of vision.
Remus backed his way up the stairs, taking a quick glance at Lily, whose face was pale and frightened. Not even an hour ago she was so happy and excited and now..well. Just the complete opposite. It was actually very unnerving.
Navigating through the cramped quarters of the apartment proved a bit hard, but they made it to the bedroom without too much trouble and set Severus gently on the bed. Lily worked immediately, taking off his wet clothes, forgetting that Remus was still there in her haste to help Severus.. Remus flushed and backed out of the room to give them privacy. If Lily needed something, she would call. Remus closed the door behind him, praying that Severus would be okay.
Lily hadn't even noticed that Remus had left. She was having some trouble pulling Severus' robes over his head, but she managed. Next came his shoes, socks and pants. The clothing was thrown to the floor in a drenched pile and Lily wrapped Severus as tightly as she could in the blankets on the bed. She touched the tip of her wand to them, so they heated up. Not too hot, but just enough to warm his freezing body. Lily had noticed Severus' ribs sticking out when she was removing his clothes, and the terrible paleness of his skin, but his face looked the worst. She laid beside him, really taking his face in for the first time. His cheekbones protruded slightly and his hair was almost to his shoulders, long and greasy and matted in some places. He even had a bit of a beard growing. Deep circles under his eyes showed that he suffered from stress and lack of sleep and the paleness of his face could be compared to snow. His appearance was quite unnerving, reminding her of a skeleton, but when she touched a hand to his face, the cold there was even more disconcerting then his appearance.
"Sev, you can't die, not now." she kissed his lips gently and pulled out her wand. Tugging back the blankets, she touched the wand to his chest to seek out a heartbeat. The tip burned red. The heartbeat was there, but it was faint. The red turned darker, which meant the beat was getting stronger.
"You're going to be okay, baby. I love you. i can't live without you." Lily kissed his temple, holding his head close to her chest. Tears formed in her eyes as she looked at the terrible mess that Azkaban made of her Severus. They dripped onto his face, running over his gaunt cheeks.
Lily pressed her face into his hair, crying heartily now. A shaking hand touched the back of her neck and she thought it was Remus. But it wasn't.
"Lily." an unrecognizable voice croaked out and her heart leapt. She pulled her face out of Severus' hair and was met by a set of black eyes.
"Severus!" Lily cried, shocked but happy.
The grin creeping over his face seemed to make up for the rest of his appearance. It made his face seem fuller and healthier.
"Oh my god!" Lily kissed him again, but instead of meeting a cold pair of lips, this time they were warm and moved against hers.
A rapid knocking on the door broke them apart.
"Lily? Is everything okay? Do you need anything?" Remus voice issued through the door and the change in Severus 'expression was scary. It was as if Remus voice was poison to him. His expression turned hard and cold as he stared at the closed door.
"No, everything's okay." Lily answered.
"Alright." There were soft footsteps as Remus walked away.
Severus sat up quickly, grabbing Lily's shoulders. His eyes darted to the door again as he hissed, "Are you alright? What did he do to you? Why did he let you save me?"
"What?" Lily looked confused. A thought crossed her that maybe Severus' mind had been affected by Azkaban as well.
"Remus Lupin. He was Potter's friend. He did something to you to get revenge for Potter. That's why you were in St. Mungo's."
"No, Sev-"
Severus shook his head, throwing the blankets off himself. "It's okay. I'm going to get you out of here and then I'll deal with him." Severus stumbled as he tried to stand, falling to the floor. Lily rushed to his side at once, looking scared.
"Severus, you're not well. You don't understand. Remus isn't like James; he's been a good friend to me. You don't know what's happened since you've been gone, Sev. Bad things...and Remus has been watching over me and helping me. But I don't love him like I love you, Sev. He's just a friend. But you, you're the one I was living for these past months. You were the only thing I had to get me through everything."
"But he's-"
Lily put a finger to his mouth, shushing him. "He's not what you think. We're even in the Order together. He watched out for me after my first fight. He stayed with me."
Severus eyes widened. The Order? Wasn't that a rebel group that Dumbledore was leading? "Lily, what are you talking about? You joined the Order?"
Lily coughed guiltily, but didn't reply. Severus opened his mouth to ask again, but Lily cut him off.
"I swear I will tell you everything, but first I need you to understand that Remus is not the bad guy here." Lily grabbed Severus' arm, helping him up so he could sit on the bed. "Wait a sec." She hurried across the room, opening the door to stick her head out. Remus was sitting on the couch, staring at the wall and tapping his fingers on the armrest worriedly.
"Remus? Could you make some tea?"
Remus jumped up immediately, shooting for the kitchen to do as Lily asked. She turned back to Severus and smiled.
"He's making some tea." She sat back down next to him, pulling the covers back over his legs so he could stay warm. She smoothed them out, wondering what to say. There were so many things she wanted to say, but there were no words to express how happy she was feeling as he sat there in front of her. Not a dream this time, or a wish, but the real thing. She touched his hand, entwining her fingers with his.
"You have no idea how much I missed you."
"Probably not as much as I missed you." Severus said seriously. Lily laughed and Severus heart leapt as the tinkling sound seemed to fill every cell in his body. Then came the knock on the door and his expression turned cold as he thought about the person on the other side of that door.
"Come in." Lily called.
Remus entered, carrying a tray with three steaming mugs. He looked awkward and out of place as he came closer, reminding Severus of the boy he knew in school. Out of place nerdy Remus Lupin who always hung back as Potter, Black and Pettigrew played cruel pranks or said nasty things to other students. Remus Lupin, who never looked like he belonged with the others. Remus Lupin, who once apologized quietly to him after he was the brunt of one the Marauder's jokes. He was too consumed by hate then to see it, but now he did. Remus had never actually done anything to him. He was just associated with the people who had.
Remus placed the tray on the bedside table, his hand shaking a bit as he handed Lily a teacup. Avoiding Severus' eyes, he handed a cup to him as well. Severus took it, studying the man still a bit distrustfully. He seemed to be honestly relieved that Severus was okay, but there was fear in his eyes as well.
"Remus, why don't you sit down?" Lily offered and waved her wand, so a chair on the outskirts of the room skittered across the floor and came to a halt next to the bed.
"Are you sure? Maybe I should go." Remus took a step back toward the door, clearly not wanting to stay, but Lily nodded. "Yes. Stay."
Remus took a seat, but his back was rigid and he was on the edge of the chair, ready to move in a split second if need be. Involved as he was in this, he had no desire to talk to Severus. He was afraid that he would say the wrong thing, he always did. To be honest, he just wanted to grab his things and get out of that shop.
Lily took a sip of the hot tea and said, "Severus thinks that you did something to me to get revenge for James ad that's why I was in the hospital."
Remus raised his eyes to Lily's, begging her wordlessly to let him leave but she smiled sadly, shaking her head. She knew he didn't want to be there, but he was a good man, and she couldn't let Severus think terrible things about him that weren't true."Tell him why you were there."
"Lily-" Remus started pleadingly, but Lily wouldn't relent. Severus watched in awe as more of the frightened boy that Remus had been in school revealed itself.
"I brought her because she had passed out from stress, shock and emotional distress."
Severus cocked his head curiously as Remus grasped his hands together so tightly they turned white. "I'm sorry, I swear that I didn't do anything to Lily. She only let me stay here because I got evicted from my apartment. I should have never said met at the Order meeting and I recognized her. I wanted to apologize about James because I read the story in the paper about everything, and then we were talking. I swear there is nothing going on between us, and I didn't hurt her. I would never do anything to hurt Lily."
Lily patted Remus' hands, trying to soothe him so he would calm down. "Remus it's okay, relax." she glanced at Severus, raising her eyebrows, and Severus stared at Remus with a hard expression. Remus seemed so genuine, so innocent, so important to Lily... Severus sighed, giving in to Lily's pleading eyes.
"I believe you."
Remus looked taken aback. "What?"
"Forget what I said. It's okay. I believe you're telling the truth." Severus repeated. He felt like he was speaking to a guilty child about to be punished as Remus cowered in his seat.
Lily touched Remus knee. "I told you everything would be okay."
Remus still looked shocked. "But after everything I did..in school and now-"
"You were never like Potter and his cronies. I don't know how you got sucked into their gang, but you didn't belong there. You never did. You never did anything to me. I see that now, but I couldn't then. And according to Lily, you haven't done anything wrong now. You were simply there for her when I wasn't."" Severus said gruffly, fighting with himself to get the words out. He supposed he always knew in his heart it was true, but still hated Remus because he was associated with the others.
Lily held Severus' hand, relief flooding through her. She knew how hard this must be for Severus, after everything that had happened, but still he was speaking those words. He was the strongest person Lily had ever known.
Remus looked relieved beyond belief, although he eyed Severus a bit warily, as if he would change his mind and hex him. "I hope you know, though, that I am truly sorry for everything that happened at Hogwarts. Even if I wasn't involved, I still didn't do anything to stop it."
"I know you're sorry." Severus said softly. "The way you used to look at me, and tried to protest when the others started on me. You said it back then, only I wasn't listening. Do you remember?"
Remus nodded slowly, recalling that day when he apologized for his friends wrongdoings.
Severus was lying naked on the snow covered ground as the students around him drifted away, talking and laughing. The Marauders had sauntered away, having finished punishing Severus for 'being alive' and the crowd had followed. He sensed someone lean down next to him and suddenly the cold air wasn't burning his skin as the person threw a thick cloak over his shoulders.
"I'm sorry." the person whispered in his ear. "For everything. I'm really truly sorry."
By the time Severus looked up, the boy had stood and was walking away, but he had no trouble recognizing the figure. Remus Lupin. A member of the Marauders. Loathing coursed through Severus' veins and he threw the cloak away since that disgusting piece of filth had touched it. They bully him and then try to comfort him? What were they playing with his mind now? Severus wrapped his arms around himself and shivered, pushing the cloak even further away with his foot. Well he wasn't going to let them mess with his was the only thing he had going for him.
"I meant what I said then and now." Remus said quietly and Severus nodded. They both shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to do next. Luckily, Lily took over.
"Remus, would you mind leaving us alone? I want to talk to Sev and tell him every thing that's happened."
Remus looked relieved to be excused and stood up quickly, leaving the room. Lily snuck under the covers next to Severus, hugging him tightly. "There's so much to tell you, and most of it isn't good." Lily warned.
"I need to tell you something too." Severus said, thinking about the death of James Potter. Lily leaned her head against his chest. Closing her eyes, she listened to his steady heartbeat and she thought it was the most wonderful thing she had ever heard. "What is it, Sev?"
"It's about James Potter."
Lily's heart nearly stopped. What was he going to tell her? That James was pardoned and released? Or that he escaped?
"He's dead."
Lily looked up at Severus in awe. The loss of a human life was not something to feel happy about, yet her heart was swelling with joy. She felt a little guilty about it until she thought of all the things James had done. Then she did not feel guilt anymore, only a sense of righteousness. The evil had gotten what he deserved and the good had triumphed.
"I was stronger then him, Lily. I survived. There were times when I didn't think I would. Think of the most horrible thing you can and multiply it by a hundred. It still won't come close to the horrors of Azkaban." he shifted, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "I only survived because of you. I thought about you all the time, until I couldn't remember your name anymore and I was lost. Then Potter's body was dragged by my cell and everything came back to me. I was able to hold on to you until I got out."
Lily pressed her face into the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry for everything Severus. All you had to go through for me. I'm sorry I wasn't there to meet you today."
"Why weren't you?" Severus asked, curiosity getting the better of him. Lily sighed, letting Severus' warmth soothe her. All these terrible things she had tried to put behind her and now she would have to relive them in detail for Severus. Obviously Severus sensed her upset, because he whispered soothingly in her ear, "It's okay. I'm here now. You can tell me everything."
"I know I can Sev. And I will." she kissed his lips, trying to gather strength before she started the story of all the terrible events that had happened after his imprisonment.
How did you like the little reunion? The interaction between Severus and Remus? I feel like I made Remus look a bit wimpy, but he feels so guilty and doesn't want to mess things up even more. Plus he feels terrible about what the Marauders did to Severus, and can't look at him without remembering those horrible things and not having done anything about it.
Next chapter, Lily tells Sev everything that happened while he was gone.