April sat in the hospital exam room, looking down at the sonogram photo in her hands. She had done this once before, right at the beginning with Samuel. Back then she had been filled with so much hope and happiness about the new life starting inside of her, before everything went to hell and her baby boy died in her arms. Now, here she was again, looking at the first images of her unborn child. Tears came to her eyes as she saw the heartrate in the corner and knew that he or she was alive and well. Everything was as it should be with her pregnancy, she was healthy, and the baby was absolutely perfect from what her obstetrician said.
Almost three weeks in Moline had done a lot of good for her as she was able to process, accept, and push on past her divorce. The real test would be seeing Jackson for the first time since signing the papers. And then telling him that even though they were divorced, they would share a child together because their contraception failed or they forgot to use anything one time. She didn't know how he would react, but he had a right to know and she wasn't going to keep it from him much longer.
"Everything looks great April," Dr. Cassidy said as she cleaned up. "Your baby looks perfect and you look great, so keep up the good work and we'll see you in a month."
"Thank you, Dr. Cassidy," she said, smiling as she got down and slid the ultrasound into her purse before making her next appointment.
Walking out, she made her way to the attending's lounge to drop off her purse and put on her lab coat. She hung up everything in her locker and pulled her coat on before putting her pager and cell phone in her pocket. It felt good to be back at work where things were normal and she knew what she was doing.
"Hey April, how you holding up?" a voice asked from behind her. She turned to see Arizona coming in.
"Some days it's easier and others, it really sucks," she replied honestly. "But it's getting better. I haven't seen him yet and that's the real test."
"I get that…seeing Callie after…kind of a sucker punch to the gut," her friend said, coming over to put something in her own locker. "How is…everything else?"
"The baby is great…perfect, even," April smiled, feeling happy as she talked about her unborn child. So far, everything was normal according to her doctor and even though she was worried, she had no reason to worry as of yet.
"Well your secret is safe with me, but I still think you need to tell him. Jackson deserves to know," Arizona encouraged.
April nodded and sighed deeply. "I know…I'm just not ready to tell him yet. I'm not even really ready to even face him. This is the happiest I've been in a year and I just don't want to step outside of that bubble yet."
Since Samuel's loss, April had felt like she was in this dark pit of misery and death. Jordan had lifted some of that pain and anguish by giving her a direction and some purpose again, but it still didn't erase the aching she felt when she saw a mother holding their child. For a while, she dreamed about Samuel and how she and Jackson would have raised him if he'd made it. He would have been so handsome, like his father, and been into just about everything in their house because he was mischievous and fun. And God did it make her ache and cry when she woke to find her arms empty. And then the pain of losing her marriage on top of that was enough to push anyone to that edge.
"Don't wait too long…or he'll find out from someone else…the gossip here is never safe, even though my lips are sealed," the blonde warned as she left the room.
"I won't," she replied, taking a deep breath before going out into the hallway for her first official day back at work.
She walked down to the trauma center, finding it was pretty slow with just a few cases of burned hands and a couple stitches from some kitchen accidents. The residents were handling it well, so she went to the desk to look up some of her post-op patients that she knew would still be in the hospital recovering from major surgeries. There were three that she made a note to do a round on and visit, so she wrote down their room numbers and names before closing out the computer and looking up. And there he was.
"Hey…" Jackson almost seemed hesitant to talk to her, like he was stepping on eggshells and waiting for her to explode.
"Hi," she replied, looking him in the eyes for the first time in three weeks.
He had a shadow growing in where she last remembered a fuller beard, so she knew that he had shaved since the divorce paper signing and then decided to let that go. That was usually when he was working double shifts or on a particularly taxing case. And his eyes were a more piercing green today, like when he was focused and contemplative. She knew all of Jackson's moods when she was clear and level-headed, but she had been so clouded during her grief that she didn't see his own. And that had torn them apart in the end.
"I uh…I didn't know you were back," he said, clearing his throat.
"I got in late last night…told Hunt I was coming back to work today," she said.
"Are you staying at the apartment?" he asked, putting his chart down on the nurses' station.
She shook her head. "I decided to rent an apartment of my own…so you can…move back home or put it up for rent…"
The apartment had been their home and now it held too many painful memories for her to live there any longer. It was where she and Jackson had moved to when they were married and happy, where many of their fundamental arguments had happened before they turned to understanding and compassion, where they had made love and conceived their son, and where they had planned to bring home their son to when he was born. Now it just seemed…empty and hollow, like no happiness had ever happened there because of all of the 'what ifs' that would never happen now.
"I'll get the keys from the manager," he replied, tapping the counter for a moment before looking at her. "How…how are you doing?"
"Um, okay." It was an odd question to ask the woman you just divorced how she was doing, in April's opinion, especially when you knew that she didn't want to go through with it in the first place. "How are you?"
"I'm doing okay," he replied, pursing his lips. She knew that look. That was a typical Jackson trying to hide his feelings look, but she wasn't going to push it.
Instead, she nodded and picked up her iPad. "I have a few patients I need to go check on that are still here from before my time off. I'll uh…see you around?"
He nodded and they parted ways. April went to visit her patients, finding that they were all doing very well and on their way to returning home in the next week or two. She was thankful for good news today since she felt like seeing Jackson was not the way she wanted to start her first day back. But that first awkward meeting was over and done with, which she was thankful for. After her rounds, she made her way back to the trauma center and began to train with some of the first years on basic trauma protocol, which they were now teaching earlier in case of emergency situations, such as the super storm or an active shooter. Both events April had lived through.
"It's good to see you back, Kepner," Hunt said as he came in.
"It's good to be back, sir," she replied, smiling at him. Owen Hunt was not only her mentor, but her friend and she deeply respected him for all the things he had taught her over the years. And she was thankful he understood her need to grieve and walk away from Seattle for a little while following her divorce.
"How is the trauma training coming along today?"
"It's good…the first years are a little slow to catch on, but I think once their confidence builds they'll be ready," she said. "No field tests for a while though…we don't need any more accidents out there."
"I agree. Keep at it and let me know when they're ready for a field test," Hunt instructed. "You're a good teacher, Kepner. They have a lot to learn from you."
She smiled proudly and got back to work with the first years. Most of them were catching on to triaging patients in the field by need and necessity. In a field situation, you only had so much in supplies and some patients were higher need than others depending on their injuries and the likelihood that they would make it to a hospital without substantial medical attention first. April had to make some tough calls out in the field in Jordan, but it had been worth it to see the soldiers that did recover go back to a normal life after their injuries.
"Alright guys, that's enough for today. Return to your assigned residents for the day," she told the group of interns as she snapped off her gloves.
When they were gone, April cleaned up some and then went to the attending's lounge to get something to eat. She sat down with her lunch and began reading a few medical journals that she'd been meaning to catch up on. The rest of her day went smoothly as they had one massive trauma come in that side swept her into surgery until well after seven. She scrubbed out when the patient was stable, the surgery was done, and he was in ICU before heading back to the apartment to pick up a few things she had left behind. Unlocking the door, she came in and saw Jackson standing in the middle of the living room.
"I'm sorry…I can come back another time," she said, turning to go.
"No, you…you don't have to go," he said, moving toward her slightly. "I just came to get a few things."
"Me too," she said, turning around to look at him. "I uh…I left some clothes and a few books that I wanted to move over."
Nodding, Jackson stepped aside as April came into the apartment and she took a deep breath as she stood there and looked around. It was so different standing here post-divorce with Jackson. This was once their home and she had loved coming home to the man she loved. Now it seemed…cold and uncomfortable.
"Jackson…I got your voicemail while I was in Moline," she said softly, not turning to look at him in fear of crying. "I just couldn't...I couldn't talk to you. I was hurt and that's why I left, to deal with it and learn to face this whole thing alone. I needed that time to myself so I could cope."
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay…despite everything, I still care about you," he said. "That didn't shut off that day and it never will."
April nodded and wiped a tear as she kept her back to him. "Thank you…for being concerned."
Biting her lip, she made her way into the bedroom and slipped the last of her clothing out of the drawers and put them in a bag. She had a few medical books that she was taking with her and some books she had bought, intending to read them on maternity leave. After those were packed, she padded softly into the room next to the master bedroom. All of the furniture was gone from the nursery, except for the rocking chair. It sat in the middle of the room, untouched and gathering dust with a stuffed puppy sitting on it. Jackson had bought the puppy for Samuel. She had sat in that chair for days after Samuel died, wondering what she had done wrong to deserve to lose her baby.
She stepped forward and brushed her hand over the head of the stuffed dog. It had been her only comfort when Samuel died. It was something to hold onto when she should have held onto Jackson. She remembered sitting in the chair, clutching the stuffed dog as she cried and begged God to give her an answer as to why her son had to suffer. No answers ever came and she was still trying to figure out why. Picking up the dog, she slipped it into her bag and came out to the living room. Jackson was sitting at the kitchen island.
"I'm sorry…about the throw pillows," she apologized meekly. "I know you hated them."
"I knew you only got them to tease me…you always did stuff like that," he replied.
She gave a faint smile and then looked down. "I have something to tell you…"