There was a moment of pure shock as April felt herself suck in a breath as Jackson confessed the secret he'd been holding from her for months now. The whole world slowed to a blur. She had believed all this time that he had signed those papers and ended their marriage the same morning she had signed the papers. He was the one that had driven so hard for the divorce when she had been fighting like hell to save their marriage and he didn't sign the damn papers? It was like the world had gone inverted and she suddenly didn't know where her footing was.
"Wh-what?" she choked out when she was finally able to find words, looking to him for an explanation.
"The morning we signed the papers, I looked at you when you asked me if it was what I wanted and I realized…it wasn't what I wanted," he explained.
"How could you…how could you let me believe all this time that we were divorced and not tell me the truth?!" she asked, finally coming down to her senses. "You lead me on for…four months, Jackson!"
"I didn't know how to tell you or how…how to fix us!" he defended. "Or if we even could."
April got up from the bed, angry and betrayed. "You lied to me."
"April, it wasn't like that I swear," he quickly replied. "I just…I wanted to find a way to make things right again…to be us again."
"I…I opened up to you and told you how I felt about everything," she said, looking at him. "How sorry I was for what happened after Samuel died and that I was wrong to run away…but you lied to me about this. You knew how important our marriage was to me…how hard I fought for us."
April had done everything imaginable to save their marriage, including going to counseling and trying everything she could think of to make Jackson see how committed she was to saving them. In the end, they always came down to the same fight, but here they were…making progress as a non-married couple, or so she thought, and he came out of nowhere to throw out everything she thought she knew about their situation. It was not what she was prepared for in the least and April Kepner was not someone that liked to be caught off-guard in her personal life at all. In the trauma center, she was calm and collected in high stress moments, but in real life…it was like she had been thrown out to the sharks and was drowning.
"April, I didn't know how to tell you…you bolted and ran to Moline before I could even have the chance to talk to you afterward," he calmly replied, getting up from the bed to come around to her. "When you came back, I didn't know how to approach you and when we finally did talk, you told me you were pregnant and that changed…a lot of things."
"And now?" she asked, looking at him.
She wanted an honest answer from Jackson. For the first time in a long time, she was looking at him and hoping he would finally open up to her about things. It had taken a lot of fights and misunderstandings to get to the point where he told her how he felt about Samuel's death and she was hoping that all of that work wasn't gone out the window. Even though she was upset that he had kept this a secret from her for four months, it didn't change that her heart was telling her that she still loved him.
"My wants didn't change…I don't want to be divorced, but if you want that April…"
"No," she blurted out before even thinking twice. "I never wanted that, Jackson…not once."
Jackson looked at her and approached her cautiously. She didn't flinch away or move as he touched her cheek. When she looked up, she looked into the eyes of the man who loved her and promised her on their wedding day that he would love and protect her. It had been so long since she had seen that man. He had been hidden behind pain, grief, anger, and frustration for so long that she'd forgotten what it was like to really see Jackson for the man she knew him as. Her best friend.
"Everything is just…so emotionally confusing right now," she said after a moment. "Can we…take things slow, like we have been?"
"I wouldn't expect you to jump right back in," he replied, touching her cheek. "And I don't expect you to forgive me for keeping that a secret for so long either."
"I do forgive you. I understand that you were just as confused as I was and that things got out of hand when we should have communicated with each other instead of hiding our pain from one another."
Time had made April wiser and less rash in her decisions, as had this pregnancy. Her experiences in grief had taught her that she couldn't tackle the world on her own, even though she felt like it sometimes. Deep down, a piece of her had needed Jackson and she had denied that, causing them to break down in turmoil with one another and ultimately reach a boiling point where neither of them could survive the hot water they were dumped into when their son's diagnosis became fatal.
"Do you want me to keep staying here?"
April nodded. "Yes, I want you to be involved in this pregnancy…you and I are having this baby together and you are the baby's father. I don't want to do this alone."
Nodding, he kissed her forehead once. "Then I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Good. And Jackson?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't ever lie to me again," she warned, looking up at him.
"I won't," he promised.
Things were shaky and awkward over the next few days, but April soon found a rhythm again with the life that she and Jackson were living. Her engagement ring and wedding band were still in the jewelry box on her dresser as she wasn't ready to put those back on and be married to Jackson yet, but she had noticed that he had slipped his ring back on without saying a word to her about it. April still felt divorced, though, and didn't know when that feeling would reconcile itself or if she would just have to gradually ease into being a wife again, should this work out with Jackson.
"So…Avery is wearing his ring again, where's yours Kepner?" Alex asked, putting down his chart in front of April as she was working.
"Jackson is…free to do as he likes with his jewelry," she replied, looking up at Alex skeptically.
They hadn't told anyone that they were still married. At least April hadn't, so she didn't know what Alex knew or if Jackson had told him anything. They hadn't explicitly talked about what they were telling people either, which probably was a conversation they needed to have now that someone had noticed.
"Oh come on, dude's been pining over you for four months…couldn't even sign the damn papers," Karev chided.
"How did you know that?" She glared at her co-worker.
"I knew that the second he couldn't keep his eyes off you when you started showing with Jr. there."
"Does Jo really like all that…smart ass you have in there?" she asked, changing the topic quickly.
"Yeah, just like Avery likes all the annoying stuff you do," he shot back, giving her a smile.
Some things never changed, but she had come to think of Alex's behavior as somewhat endearing since he did care. Over the years, she had seen him grow and knew that deep down, under the narcissistic act he put on, Alex was a decent human being that genuinely was good. He covered that with his snide comments and his flippant behavior, but she knew that he was a different person underneath that. And she had come to care about him over the years, even though he often times rebuffed her when she tried to be compassionate in his times of frustration and need.
"So…you knew that Jackson didn't sign the papers?" she asked, shutting the chart that she had been working on.
"Yeah, it was kinda obvious when he kept asking Robbins about you every five minutes when you were back on the farm," Karev replied.
"I…I had no idea." April was shocked, but not surprised given the recent turn of events. Jackson was her best friend and had always cared about her. But she never knew the extent of all of that until he told her how much he had been looking out for her since Samuel died.
"Look, I know you and Avery have gone through hell and have your issues or whatever, but he's a good guy."
April smiled. "You don't have to tell me…I already know."
"So...everything okay with Jr. there?"
"Oh…we're doing great," she replied, smiling and rubbing her belly. "Arizona said that the baby is growing just fine and that we are about to reach the point where they will gain about a half a pound a week until birth."
"Well, you know that you've got the best team on stand-by if you ever need anything," he reminded her. "Jr. will be taken care of no matter what."
"Thank you, Alex…you don't know how much that means to me and to Jackson," she said, smiling.
Alex left to go about his work while April finished up some charting that she had been doing from patients that had come in the emergency room this morning. She wrote up the surgical rotation schedule for the residents according to their assigned attending and divvied up the new interns to the residents to teach before going to the skills lab. One thing April never stopped doing was learning new skills and refreshing the ones she had already learned. It was her job as a surgeon and a doctor to keep her mind sharp for her patients so that nothing happened while they were in her care. While she was in the lab, she was focused and intense so she didn't notice the door opening.
"Hello sweetheart," a familiar voice called from the doorway.
"Catherine!" April gasped, moving back from the table before taking off her gloves.
"How is my favorite daughter-in-law?" she asked, hugging April as she came over.
"Very pregnant and craving potato chips like crazy these days," she laughed, hugging her back. "I know that is all Jackson's genes there since he eats them like crazy when he watches basketball."
The older woman laughed and nodded in agreement. "That is definitely my son. He used to go through so much food when he was a teenager, I swore I had three sons instead of one."
"He still eats like a horse." April smiled and sat down on one of the stools. "What brings you all the way to Seattle? I thought you were in Boston this month."
"Oh I came home early…the conference I thought I was going to have to attend was cancelled, so I caught a flight home and thought I would stop in to see you and my future grandbaby."
"Baby is very active today," she said, taking Catherine's hand and placing it on her belly where her unborn baby was moving around.
"Oh that is a wonderful feeling!"
"Jackson had the baby riled up this morning when we were getting ready for work…he was talking basketball and the baby was going nuts." April laughed and looked at her belly proudly, so thankful she could feel this little one moving around.
"How are things with you and Jackson?"
She figured that would come up since Catherine had always taken an interest in their relationship and marriage, especially when she thought April had married Jackson for his money. Now she knew otherwise and knew how deeply April loved Jackson.
"We're…working on things," she replied honestly. "It's just complicated."
"But you and Jackson are working things out?"
"I love him…still love him, deeply. But I just can't go back to the way things were before," she clarified. "We are working on things, but it's going to take time before I feel like we are married or say that I'm married."
"And that is perfectly fine. No one expects you to just bounce back like things are normal," Catherine told her.
"You know, since he came clean and told me that we were still married, he's been attentive and trying to make up for lost time," she said. "I know that he's trying so hard."
"He knows that he has a long way to go to win you back, but he is a dedicated man that is pursuing the woman he loves. I have never seen him this way about anyone else he's ever been with."
That comment made April stop and think for a moment because she had never been anyone's first choice. She had never been the one for anyone until she and Jackson just decided to sleep together in California and then think about what happened afterward. Now she was married, or sort of married, and loved him with all of her heart. But her heart was still wounded from signing the divorce papers and she had to let it heal with time.
"I remember the first time he felt the baby kick…he lit up so much and it was like a little kid at Christmas," April smiled. "I do love Jackson. And I want us to be a family, but my heart was so broken when he asked me to divorce him, so I just need time to heal."
"And no one will blame you for that, sweetheart. Take that time and let him woo you again to remind you of the man you fell in love with," Catherine encouraged.
"I'm really glad that you understand. I know how protective you are of Jackson and as a mother, I am the same way about my children."
"You are my daughter too, baby, so I feel just as protective of you. And if you ever need anything, Richard and I are only a phone call away."
April hugged her mother-in-law and smiled, knowing that though this was a long road, she wasn't walking it alone. She had support and Jackson was trying in earnest to be the man that she knew that he could be. For now, that was all she could ask for.