Chapter 2.
Not mine…
WOW, I can't believe the response I received from just the first chapter. Thanks for those of you who took the time to review. It really does make a difference.
And yes I really did go and see Deadpool four times
Now, on with the show
"Oh fuck it." I swore to myself. I picked a really shite time to remember a really important rule of apparition.
I was currently hurtling through the whatever the hell it is you hurtle through when you apparate when it suddenly dawned on me that I have probably, well ok most defiantly fucked up.
I know I got the three "D's" correct. If I hadn't I would still be back at Privet Drive looking like a right pillock.
One thing I forgot though was that before you decide to magically travel to Potter Manor, you had better make fucking sure that the wards either know you are coming or that you have been keyed into them.
I know I wasn't keyed into the wards back twenty five years in the fucking future – being as how the first time I found the joint I had to go through the front gates.
At this point in time though…
BANG!
Owwwwwwwwww fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Yep, not keyed in.
Mother fucker that hurt.
I pick my crumpled ass up from the grass just to the side of the gates for the Manor and stood hunched over with my hands on my knees breathing deeply.
It felt like my whole body had just been hammered flat. Actually when you consider that I had just done the magical equivalent of a bug smashing into your car windscreen, I'm thinking myself lucky that the last thing to go through my mind wasn't my ass hole.
After a few seconds of sucking in the big ones, I slowly stood upright and approached the gates. I'm not going to bore you with descriptions of how impressive as fuck the joint is – it really, really is impressive as fuck. Or how many rooms – twenty. How many shitters – too many, thank fuck I don't have to clean them. Or even how big the fucking hole was when I blew the joint up last time around – fucking huge.
I walked up to the gate and put my hand in the centre of the Potter coat of arms and said my name out loud. I felt a spike of pain in my hand as a needle shot out of the steel and penetrated the palm.
Fuck I hate blood locks.
Effective?
Yes.
Fucking painful?
Hell yes!
Absolute pussy?
Possibly…
The needle took the required blood sample and the gates and walls of the property flashed with light. Silently, the gates opened and I walked through the gap. As soon as I had cleared the threshold, the gates just as quietly slid closed.
I didn't waste the time having a nostalgic gander around at the joint – It had only been a year or so since I nuked the place after all. It can't have changed that much. The grounds and the entire house – including cleaning thank fuck - are maintained by magic.
It's easy, and all controlled by the wards.
Do you get the impression that wizards are a bunch of lazy fuckbags?
There were no House Elves here either. I found out years ago in the future – fuck this is going to do my head in. That Goat Fuck Boy had returned to the manor and killed the Potter elves once he had dumped me with that asshole family.
When the last elf was murdered, the house put itself into stasis mode and dumped the old cunt on his ass outside the gates. The wards had not registered is ill intent at killing the elves because it wasn't directed towards a human.
I only found all this out once I had summoned his decrepit old ass – using that ritual I mentioned before and tortured the information out of his shade. That was also when I found out just how badly he had manipulated and fucked with my life.
All for his stinking 'Greater Good'. The greater fucking good of Albus I smell like goat cum and old man pants Dumbledore.
I swear to god, the amount of times that old man had bent me over and fucked me, I'm surprised I still had any control over my ass muscles. My ass should have been so loose that I needed to wear a fucking nappy.
Woooo sahhhhh.
Sorry about that. You just have no fucking idea how much I hate that prick.
I shook off the rage and apparated directly into the foyer.
It was just over one hundred meters from the gates to the front door. I had better things to do than fuck around having a stroll through the grounds.
Blow me.
I enter the foyer and head to the study. Like all good pure blood homes, it had a fucking huge library that Mione and Luna would spend days at a time in. I barley glanced at the priceless dust collectors lining the walls. Instead, I made my way to the fireplace – another fixture of the Good Pure Blood Home – and put my hand on the centre of the mantle and pulled.
The fireplace split in two and the hidden room the housed both the Potter Grimoire and the ward control book was revealed.
Once again, I didn't bother doing more than glancing at the grimoire, I headed straight to the ward book and opened it to the access pages.
I picked up the quill – god I hate this backwards ass society. What the fuck is wrong with a Bic and a fucking note book? – And proceeded to cross out every name on the access list. There were dozens.
The only names I left intact were my own and the Padfooted one. I was conflicted over Mooney. The dude never got over the fact that he had a furry little problem. He up and fucked off on Tonks when she announced that she was knocked up with their child.
Yeah, I still have a bit of a shudder at the Daddy roleplay possibilities my mind conjures at the thought of those two fucking each other.
Mental note to stab my mind's eye with a pencil later…
She tracked his apparition signature to the alley and begged him to stay. When he rejected her again she was so upset she ended up collapsing in the middle of Diagon alley and was taken to St Mungo's. She miscarried four days later and suicided three days after that.
Part of my hated the man for his actions. The other part of me had no fucking idea how to deal with the pussy going forward.
Meh, backburner that. Too much other shit to do.
I refocused my gaze to the book and added the names Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood to the access list. I then also turned to the pages covering the intent ward scheme and added the instructions that would place all sentient creatures within the grounds under the protection of the wards.
Satisfied with my efforts I returned to the study and the doors automatically closed behind me. I was about to take a gamble and call on Dobby – I was fucking starving – when I was distracted by the sound of a horse snorting and stamping its hoof.
What the fuck?
The noise was coming from the driveway. Heading towards the front door, I pulled up my magic and again had a killing curse ready to go in my left hand. I flung the door open with my right and charged up an Agis shield with my right as soon as I let go of the door handle.
The door bounced against the wall with the force it was opened. I stepped into the doorway and looked out at the site that greeted me, ready to either launch the killing curse or the shield – or both.
There were five figures in front of the steps leading up to the door. Recognising Gabriel from earlier I let my magic go and calmly walked out the door and sat myself down on the top step.
I raised an eyebrow at the Angel in front of me.
"What part of fuck-off, I don't want what you are selling was too difficult for you to understand Gabby?" I asked "Do you need me to use simpler words or maybe draw you a fucking picture?"
Gabriel stammered. "I I I." His speech faltered. He turned towards the riders and gestured. The one on the white horse carrying a bow eased his Nightmare forward.
"Don't even bother War." I sneered at the immortal rider and turned back to the pussy angel. "Are you actually going to answer me or are you so fucking narcissistic that the only word you can say is I?"
There was a snort of amusement from the rider that was carrying a scythe. My anger surged. I stood up and quickly turned towards him. "Fuck off Death." I pointed a hand towards the now silent Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I hadn't even realised that I had pulled on my magic again.
My hand was glowing green.
"Over the years I have given you plenty of work. Don't look here for more." I snarled at him. His Nightmare took a step to the left and then it surprised me.
It actually growled at me.
I looked at the angry horse. "Control your nag Death, or I will turn it into either pet food or glue." The growling cut off and the surprised mount took a step backwards.
I didn't realise it at the time, but my eyes had started to glow with the same colour light as the AK when I have it surrounding my hands.
Go me.
I will have to find the time to see if I can actually shoot fucking laser beams out of my eyes…
Pestilence dismounted his horse, hung his bow on the saddle horn and strode towards me. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and made a half bow to me.
"Lord Potter-Black." He said. His voice was a surprise. Instead of the guttural tone that I expected. His voice was soft and aristocratic. "We have been asked." He paused. "Actually begged to plead for your assistance." He turned and gestured to his companions.
"The Most Holy came to us and entreated us to ask for your help."
I scoffed at the idea that Gabby was the Most Holy.
"No Lord Potter, the Archangel is not who I am referring too." He paused and made a strange gesture. He sort of crooked his left arm and made a come here motion with his index finger. There was a flash of light and pure white form appeared just over Pestilence's head and dive bombed me.
My breath caught in my throat. "Hedwig." I breathed. I had lost my Familiar to an AK when the cock smokers in the Order of the Ass Raped Goat decided that it would a great fucking idea to evacuate me from Privet Drive using brooms and Sirius's motorbike.
I swear to fuck. Wizards have absofuckinglutely no common sense. Is it any wonder why Dark Lords have no trouble taking over Wizarding Britain ever fifty or so years?
I held my arm up and my first and best friend landed on my arm. She then proceeded to butt her head against me while making a warbling sound that I had always associated with her being ecstatic.
I alternated, scratching her breast and behind her ears while she continued to chatter to me. I totally ignored the Muppets in front of me while I reconnected with my favourite girl.
"You have no idea how much I have missed you girl." I whisper to her. Looking her in the eyes.
Hedwig cocks her head to one side and returns my stare. I feel a slight pressure on my occulamatic shields and the realisation dawns on me. I eagerly accept the presence that I can feel behind the thought into my mind.
As the link settles I can hear a feminine voice tinged with wonder speaking to me in my head.
"My Wizard can you hear me?"
"I can Hed." I answer her. I sit down heavily onto the top step and place Hedwig onto my knees. I put my hands on either side of her body and administer the one thing she loves more than either myself or even Bacon – yes with a capital Bacon.
The full body scratch.
It starts just behind her eyes and goes all the way to her tail.
The noises she was making both inside my head and out loud were enough to make me smile for the first time since I found myself inside that fucking cupboard a few hours ago.
There was a polite cough from Pestilence. He was still standing at the bottom of the stairs. I turned my stare from my blissed out friend, even as my hands continued with their ministrations.
"My Lord, as I was saying, the Most Holy." I shook my head at him. No I am not trying to be facetious – for once. I had no fucking idea who he was talking about. I am honestly just hoping that he isn't one of these pillocks who believe that there is a fucking God.
Considering the fact that I am pretty much the anti-Christ when it comes to religion. I fucking hate anything to do with it.
The poor brainwashed fuck wits – sorry Believers - would tell me that what happened to me in the future / past / what the fuck ever was His will and He had a Plan.
Yep, that's right people. These asshats believe that being fucked over, tortured and abused by pretty much every person who was in a position of authority over from the time I was dumped on the fucking doorstep of that fucking family till the time I enlisted in the Army served a plan…
Fuck that.
That sounds too much like the Greater Fucking Good.
"Who you would know as The Source." Pestilence continued, cutting off my inner monologue.
Ya fucking what?
Even I had heard of The Source.
According to the dick heads that run Magical Britain, only "Light" magic is "Good", "Dark" magic is "Bad" – but if you are a weak willed fuckstain and claim that you were under the imperious – we will pretend that we didn't see anything.
While you are there though, can you throw a few galleons my way to make sure the paperwork doesn't get lost?
Cheers for that, you're a champ…
"Grey" Magic is an in-between type thing that no one seems to be able to form a consensus on.
Pretty much like being bi-sexual. Don't be greedy, just make up your mind and choose a side…
It's all fucking bullocks.
All Magic – yes, capital M – comes from The Source. Magic is not about good and evil. It is all about intent. Some spells are easier to cast if you are emotional at the time. The killing Curse is a prime example. You don't have to hate to be able to cast it though, just be strong enough magically.
The Patronus Charm is another. If you have a strong, really happy emotion, it is a shitload easier to cast.
If you are like me however, and have a very limited range of happy memories to draw on, and if you have enough power. You can just brute force the fucking thing out the end of your wand.
If that explanation is still a bit too confusing, try this.
The levitation charm is taught in first year. Depending on both the control and the strength of the witch or wizard will determine just how big an object can be lifted and / or moved around using the spell.
As they get older, their magical strength increases so they can lift heavier things as they age.
With me so far?
Good.
But let me ask you a question.
The levitation charm is pretty benign right? It is used to move something from point a to point b. You wouldn't really even bother to categorise it either a light or dark charm.
But what if I used that charm to throw your ass off the astronomy tower? Or levitated you into the middle of the Black Lake and then let the spell go, knowing you couldn't swim? Or even levitated a block of concrete over your head and let it go?
Or what about if I used it to get Neville down from the point of the sword that he found himself attached too during our first flying lesson before his robe ripped and he ended up breaking his wrist? Or used it to lift a baby out of a burning building?
How would you categorise that simple little charm now?
Dark, grey or light?
See you can't. Magic is all about intent.
I return my attention back to the Horseman in front of me.
"The Most Holy instructed us to come before you to entreat your assistance to correct the wrongs that were done in the future." He paused and looked at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked him in return. "The Source got its rocks off watching me spend almost eighteen years getting fucked in the ass and didn't lift a fucking finger to help me." I gently lift Hedwig off my lap as I stand up. I wave my right hand at a spot next to me and then I place my Familiar onto the perch that I have just conjured for her.
She sings what should have been a calming tune and I realise with shock and not a little bit of disgust that these assholes have manipulated my best friend as well.
Look, don't get me wrong. I am over the fucking moon to have Hedwig back with me. It seems that they have even transformed her from a snowy owl into a White Phoenix. A white Phoenix is considered one step below royalty in the Magical world and they only choose the most pure of heart as their companions.
The fact that these cunts have turned my companion into a creature that by its very nature will be unable to properly bond or have anything but the most basic connection with me is enough to cause the red mist to start to descend.
Lets be honest. My heart and soul are not the most pure any more.
Case in point. Hedwig's song has absolutely no effect on me what so ever. I can hear her distress over our mental link at her inability to calm me down.
I try to clamp down on my rage.
"I'm so sorry my beautiful girl." I whisper to the distressed Phoenix. I resume stroking the feathers just under her ears and she calms slightly. "It seems that I am not the only one they fucked over."
"Would it be easier for you if you left me until I can try and fix what they did to us?"
"You are my Wizard Harry." She replies. "Distance means little to our bond. We can sense and talk to each other even on the other side of the world."
"I can feel you anger my heart." She continues. "I am sorry that my death contributed to your pain."
"It's not your fault Hed." I tell her continuing to stroke her feathers. "Your death was the fault of fucking Dumbledore and his band of pole smokers.
"I know Harry." Her voice is soft and gentle in my head. "Your strong will, anger and hate are but three of the things that will allow you to succeed in this time line. It is as much a part of you as that birds next you call hair."
I choke at that. Did my friggin bird just crack a joke at my expense?
In response, I ruffle the feathers between her wings and she swats me over the back of the head in retaliation. It will take her at least fifteen minutes preening to get her feathers sorted out now.
"I will get it sorted Hed." I promise her and I return my attention once again to the assholes in front of me.
I think I am going to have to research ways to slaughter the Horseman. What they have helped to do to my Hedwig is unforgivable.
I must have been projecting my thoughts because the immortal – we'll see – beings in front of me take a collective half step backwards.
"Bring Her here NOW!" I snarl at Pestilence. The fury in my voice is unmistakable.
Gabriel takes this opportunity to once again prove how much of dickhead he is. He shoulders his way past the nightmares and storms up to the foot of the stairs standing just beside the Horseman.
"You dare to demand the Most Holy graces you with Her presence?" He gave his best Snape sneer. "Why would She acquiesce to your demands? You who are but nothing beneath our feet."
The condescending tone in his voice was so thick it could be used as road base.
"Yep." I scoff back at him. "This puny mortal who YOU dickheads tapped to bring back in time to sort out YOUR fuck ups."
This time I don't even hesitate. I put my right arm back over my shoulder and summon the Sword of Gryffindor to my hand. The instant I feel the pommel appear in my hand, I snap my arm forward throwing the sword straight at the Angels astonished neck.
Just as the sword was about to decapitate the blustering ponce and put him forever out of my fucking misery a hand suddenly appeared and snatched the sword out of the air only inches from its goal.
Fuck it.
An arm and a decidedly female form follow the hand into existence. The power that we could all feel radiating off the now visible deity in front of us was enormous. I had no doubt that if she chose, this chick could royally fuck up anything that decided to piss her off.
"So you finally decided to actually talk to the dude you unilaterally decided to fuck over for almost a decade?" I questioned her. "Should I bow down before you or just wank off all over your foot?"
There was a shocked intake of breath from Pestilence. And the chick who is / was / what the fuck ever The Source – you like how I did that? – Of all my problems – see? Did it again - turned to me with a look of pure shock in her purple eyes.
That shock was quickly changing to mirth.
Mirth?
What the fuck?
The Source threw back her head and laughed. It was a sound of pure joy and happiness. It washed over the eleven of us…
Yes people, eleven.
Count it out loud.
Take off your shoes and socks if you need extra county things.
The Four Horsemen, their Nags. Gabby, Hedwig aannnddd the skinny almost eleven year old who used to have a massive fucking cock.
Eleven.
Ten of those assembled looked at her in awe and not a little devotion.
Well Ok, let's be totally honest here. Gabby looked like he wanted to run over and start humping her leg. The look in his eyes was fucking creepy.
The eleventh – can you guess who? – walked down the stairs and got right into her face. "Unfuck her right now." I snarled at her. There was no question of who I was referring to
The mirth in those purple eyes faded slightly. "You make demands of me Harry?" she quietly asked. Her tone was tinged with disbelief.
I scoff back at her. "Get used to it." I came straight back at her. "Aren't you doing exactly the fucking same thing to me?"
Her purple eyes try and bore a hole into my head.
Yay another pissing contest. What the fuck is it with these immortals? I think they need to stop being of average height and grow another two feet. Little people should never be put into a position of power.
Or given a bunch of keys now I think about it.
Look at Molly Weasley the short little fat fuck. That should explain everything right there.
I meet her gaze…
Cue the music.
Stare for stare…
Angry purple met moody preteen green…
The stare holding contest of the fucking ag…
Fuck this. I'm bored.
I cross my eyes at her.
Her head jerks back as if she has been bitch slapped.
Aannnd the needle jumps off the vinyl and we get that awesome sound that DJ's and Hip Hop fans love as the music stops.
Without a word she turns away from me towards my distressed familiar. "I am sorry Hedwig. I did not realise that your Bonded would come back as Dark as what he is in the future. I thought the time travel would allow him to regain his innocence."
I'm pretty sure she heard my "What fucking innocence?" but she chose to ignore it. Instead she waved her hand towards Hedwig - who was still trilling sadly in my head - and a swirling light that pretty much had every colour combination you could think of rose up from her claws and quickly engulfed her.
I wasn't worried.
Not because I trusted The Source of all my fucking problems, but because I could hear Hedwig's song get stronger and more powerful by the second.
As her song changed, so too did the thoughts and feelings that I was receiving from her. The distress was rapidly fading to be replaced with thoughts of relief and happiness.
After almost a minute or so, the light show cut off and the once pure white phoenix was now a grey that was so dark it was almost black.
She was also a lot bigger.
When she first reappeared, although transformed into a phoenix, she was still her original size. Now though, she was roughly the size of a swan.
And a Storm Phoenix. Apparently they are a creature of myth that has never existed.
Apparently not…
With a trill she launched herself off her perch and glided straight towards me. As her wings extended, I noticed that her flight feathers were streaked with a deep purple that matched the colour of The Sources eyes. The much happier phoenix came to rest on my shoulder and with a gesture I conjured a mirror for her to see the changes for herself.
"You look beautiful Hed." I tell her over my bond. Sending all of the feeling of love and affection I had for my first friend to her over our link.
"I can get used to it." She replies, while admiring herself. "You have to thank her you know Harry." She told / commanded me.
"I was about to Hed." I reply to her. "I am not a totally ungrateful asshole."
All I got was a scoff and a wing to the back of the head as she launched herself into the sky, singing as she took off for a flight around the grounds of the manor.
When she disappeared behind the main building, I turned back to The Source and bowed my head. "Thank you." I said with sincere gratitude.
She nodded in response and I gestured towards the entrance. "I am guessing we need to have a long and involved talk about why you bought me back here?" I asked her. To my surprise, she just laughed and shook her head.
"It's not long and complicated at all Harry." The midnight black hair swirled as she turned and gestured towards her minions. "Through our inactions, we made the mistake of believing that people like Dumbledore and Riddle among others would be able to cope with the amount of power and responsibility that they were destined to wield."
She paused and looked back to me.
"We forgot that basic of human tenants that "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. We, or should I say I, Tapped you." She paused and I gestured for her to continue.
"We bought you back to fix my mistakes. We cannot directly intervene on this world otherwise I would have been able to take steps to ensure that certain knowledge wasn't passed on to a sadistic sixteen year old."
I stopped myself from making a "no shit" or similar comment at the reference to Riddle, and continued to listen to her explanation.
"You have to let events pretty much play out as they were to avoid the advantage of your knowledge of future events becoming corrupted, but once both Dumbledore, Riddle and others that I will inform you of when the time is correct for you to act…"
She paused again and glanced towards her companions who steadily returned her stare. She seemed to draw strength and comfort from them.
She turned back towards me. "Once you have completed these tasks, it is my intention to raise you as my direct representative in this world and the leader of the magical race. We will be in touch"
With that pronouncement she stepped back, snapped her fingers and with a crack, I was alone once more in front of the manor.
I must have looked like a poleaxed Ox because Hedwig suddenly flamed right in front of my face and I had no reaction. Only a wing to the face and the sound of her laughing herself stupid bought me out of my shocked state.
Leader of the fucking magical world?
The Sources bitch on earth?
I looked up at the cloudless blue sky and screamed.
"YOU WANT ME TO DO FRIGGIN WHAT?"
Thanks for reading.