Chapter Ten: Mr Darcy
"Mr Darcy?" she repeats, getting her footing in order so she can let go of my coat. She seems to be hanging onto it for dear life. She looks around and realises I am with Fitzwilliam. "Mr Fitzwilliam." He raises an eyebrow and tips his head at her in warning, "Richard," she smiles and her whole face lights up. "How are you? What are you…? Did you have a good Christmas?" she rushes. Why can't she be that comfortable with me? Rich explains we are in Hunsford visiting our aunt for Christmas. I still have my hands on her waist, for some reason I can't stand to let her go. The car door swings wider and a man climbs out. I have never seen him before, but I realise she is obviously with him. I immediately let go of her, shoving my hands in my pockets to prevent myself from touching her. I step back away from her and next to an amused Richard.
"Lizzie did I hear you say? … Mr Darcy! It is you and Mr Fitzwilliam! What an honour, what a pleasure to meet the esteemed nephews of my wonderful patron Lady Catherine."
My eyes dart to Richard, who shrugs his shoulders slightly at me. Are we supposed to know this cretin? Does he works for us? 'Esteemed?' What did he say?
Lizzie has her eyes screwed shut, she looks utterly mortified by his little display of what cannot be considered anything other than 'ass-kissing.' Why did these things keep happening to her? Why did people associated with her, or related to her, keep embarrassing her like this in front of people? She must hate it. And what the hell is she doing with this loser? I turn to ask her but she is busy helping another young woman out of the taxi and paying the driver. What a gentleman. He abandons two ladies and then leaves them to pay the bill! I recognise the woman from the ceremony, she was in the same class as Lizzie. Charlotte something?
Charlotte and Lizzie hover behind, who I have gathered from a little eves dropping, is a Mr Collins. While Richard makes forced conversation with the incessant Mr Collins about Meryton and the surgery he would be running. I drop my eyes to the floor. I can't look at her, afraid my face will give away what I feel inside. What I can't stop feeling every moment I am with her. I risk a glance back up at her face and find my eyes locked with hers. She seems to smile but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. It is like she is afraid to acknowledge me or something. She still hates me for all the stuff with Charlie and her sister. I am trying my hardest to put it right, even now. I will never apologise for what I said. I told the truth, and I never lie. I would never lie to her. What I had said about Wickham was true also, a hell of a lot more truthful than whatever drivel he had spouted to her to get her on side. I wasn't about to lower myself to his standard and tell tales. If she wants to know what really happened, she will have to ask. And even then, it isn't my secret to tell. The only thing I want to beg for her forgiveness for, is that stupid comment I made to Caroline. The one I now know she had heard. Like I could actually prefer Caz to her. She is a goddess and Caroline an annoyance.
I suddenly remember my manners and her friends name and step forward. "Miss Lucas? I don't think we were properly introduced at the graduation day. I'm Nicholas Darcy. I hear you are working in Meryton." There that sounds genuine, like I'm really interested in hearing what Charlotte has to say. When really all I want is an excuse to engage Lizzie into conversation. It doesn't seem to be working she has her head down now too.
"Mr Darcy." Charlotte grins at Lizzie and then turns back to me. "Please call me Charlotte, Lizzie here has told me all about you." I drew in a breath hoping I don't gasp out loud. She talked about me, to her friends? I look away to avoid the awkwardness of the situation and notice Lizzie kick her friend in the back of the shin, I guess this maybe girl code for 'shut the hell up.' I resist the need to laugh out loud. I sadly realise I haven't laughed like that in a long time. Yet when I'm with her she makes me want to laugh all the time, even if sometimes I don't think it is her true intention to. "That is, about Rosings Park and your work." Charlotte corrects herself.
I look at Lizzie, she smiles again, this time those beautiful eyes sparkle, and I find myself smiling back like a demented fool. Richard breaks the uncomfortable silence. "Well I guess we had better let you guys get to your film." I can tell he has already had more than enough of Mr Collins. He turns to me and then to Lizzie. "Do you have any plans for New Years' Eve? Will you still be here that is?" he enquires. I try to look away and appear nonchalant, at the same time so eager to hear her answer I can't breathe. I know what Richard is getting at and I hope and pray she will give the right answer. "If you are, you and your friends would be more than welcome at my Aunts New Years' Eve party, most of the partners will be there. It's usually a grand affair, but after the old dear retires for the night, we have ourselves a proper party!" He rubs his hands together in glee his eyes shining. I risk a glance in her direction willing her to say yes. She catches my gaze and stares back for a fraction of a second as if in deliberation with herself. Without even consulting what plans the others may or may not have made, she is nodding and saying "thank you that would be fantastic. We'd love to come!"
Two days later, Aunt Catherine's Annual New Years' Eve party is in full swing. I make my way into the grand entrance hall, across the solid hardwood polished floor, dodging people as I go. The house is packed with work colleagues, friends, relations and some faces even I don't know. I come to a standstill at the bottom of the long winding staircase. I look up at the garland strung handrail and banister, polished within an inch if its life, by the crew of party planners and cleaners that have been here for the past two days getting the place fit for guests. The large gold guild mirror I'm after, is almost covered by the branches of the twelve foot Christmas tree. Decorated to perfection, it is the big feature that greets people as they flock through the doors into the house. I stand beside the tree breathing in the earthy scent of pine you can only get from a real - just been cut down and dragged from the forest- tree.
I step closer and gaze critically at my reflection hoping to catch any flaws. I look at my exposed neck, something I would never normally do in public. I never forgo a tie. However tonight, for some reason, it felt right to leave it off. It was not just that I didn't want to appear as I normally do at these things, like I had just stepped out of the office, largely due to the fact, I usually had just stepped out of the office. No, tonight I had chosen my favourite sleek black Hugo Boss suit and crisp white shirt, the top button left open, for one reason only. Elizabeth. I hadn't failed to notice her reaction to seeing me that day in Charlie's kitchen. No tie and shirt rolled up to my elbows. I had done it at the time simply for ease of cooking and not wanting to dip my tie in the food I was preparing, but today I had done it on purpose. If I was going to attract a woman like Lizzie I had to change. No more stuck up pompous Mr Darcy, just Nick.
I take another glance in the mirror. Combing my fingers through my thick dark hair. Brushing it back from my forehead and letting go, it immediately falls back into place, the ton of expensive products I had applied earlier, doing their job to perfection. Without sounding obnoxious or vain, I know I am good looking. Call it luck or genes or what you like, but I had a handsome face, hours working out frustrations with a case in the gym, gave me a body to match. This did attract the opposite sex and with the wealth to go with it, I had had to be careful in the past who I became involved with. They could be in it for me or just the money. Unfortunately for me it was usually the latter. But with Lizzie it was different. It was like she wasn't attracted to me because of the money. This I found very intriguing. Very intriguing indeed.
I glance over my shoulder at the reflections in the mirror. People everywhere, but no Lizzie. I look down at my watch, its past nine. Where the hell is she? Has she decided not to come? Has she had a better offer? Wickham? No not Wickham, she wouldn't do that, I don't know why, I just know she wouldn't. She hates me for what I said but I could tell it had hit home. She hadn't had any more cosy lunches with him after all. Seeing her in the office the other day, knowing we were alone and unlikely to see each other for two weeks, I could hardly control myself. I wanted to rush to her and hold her and beg her to stay with me. What is happening to me?
I am pulled from my memory by a small hand sliding over my shoulder attached to a slender wrist, one look at the diamond bracelet adorning it and I know who it is. For a split second I had hoped it was Lizzie, but I know the moment I really feel the touch, it isn't her. The red head and porcelain face that drops into view on my shoulder confirms my fears, "Caroline." I try to keep the frustration from my voice.
"Naughty Nicholas, what are you doing sneaking off out here, wanting to play hide and seek?" She purrs at me. Christ she's drunk, that's all I need. It's the Christmas party all over again. Now I will have her draped on me all night, slurring her words and failing to get me into bed. It will be ten times worse tonight since we are all staying here and Charlie is still away. Note to self: lock the bedroom door. I look round for anyone who I can prise her off me and onto. Coming up with nothing.
"Caroline listen, let's get you a cup of coffee and a lay down ok?" I grab her hands, wrapping my arm around her waist trying to steer her towards the kitchen. She falls into me and wraps both her arms around my neck. Great, can this get any worse?
"Ooh Mr Darcy, so you want to take me for a lay down and … Eliza! What the hell are you doing here?" I freeze, not daring to turn around. I shut my eyes tight. Just imagining what this must look like. Caroline wrapped around me, my arm around her. I turn around slowly, trying to disentangle myself from Caroline's clutches, but she won't give it up, she's enjoying this, I can tell. She has no idea how I feel about Lizzie, but she knows I like her and that is enough to piss her the hell off.
I finally get up the courage to look into Lizzie's face, and immediately wish I hadn't. The hurt on her face is apparent, but more than that; disappointment, disgust. I feel guilty and ashamed and I haven't even done anything, even if I had, we aren't together. Why do I feel the need to explain? "Elizabeth, Charlotte, Doctor Collins, welcome to Lady Catherine's annual New Years' Eve party. Let me take your coats and show you around." I can't stop talking, Caroline's arms finally leave my neck and I am able to retrieve their coats and greet our guests. Caroline is still staring at Lizzie, eyes narrowed, mouth twisted like she has a bad taste in her mouth. I swear Lizzie has tears in her eyes. Don't cry Lizzie, please. I can't bare it. I physically step between them trying to ease the tension. Richard then appears like superman, here to save me from myself.
"Lizzie! So glad you could make it, come here I want to introduce you properly to Lady Catherine. Charlotte you too, you too!" Richard leads them from the hallway, from me. Doctor Collins is in tow rapidly muttering about meeting Lady Catherine once before and what a supreme something she was. I take a breath in, hands on my hips, thinking what the hell I can do to rectify this situation. First things first, get rid of Caroline and keep her away from Lizzie. Then rescue Lizzie from Aunt Catherine.
"Caroline, come on let's get you that coffee." I gently, but forcibly, take her elbow leading her into the kitchen. She teeters on her sky scraper heels.
"Nick, what is she doing here? She's a bloody secretary! Don't tell me Richard invited her, she's not supposed to be here." Caroline is in danger of taking liberties with her closeness of our family. She isn't related, it is none of her business who Richard or I invite and she should treat them courteously as a result. "She's so far down the food chain she's lucky to get scraps. She should not be here, with us, she's not our people. For Christ's sake, Richards introducing her to your aunt! Has he lost his mind? You may as well pull in the gardener and the maid and let them have a dance." She flicks back her perfectly styled hair, and despite her super model looks, to me, in this moment, she never looked uglier. She is my best friends sister and like a sister to me, so I bite my tongue resisting the urge to tell her exactly what I thought of 'our people,' if our people were like her. "Nick? Nick, are you listening to me? I said, surely seeing Eliza now must have put rest to that silly notion you once had. That she was –what was it you said- a distraction?"
"Yes well that was when I first knew her. For a long time now I have considered her one of the most attractive women I have ever met." Caroline's jaw drops open so low it's comical. I end our little talk by telling her to pull herself together and sober up before Lady Catherine sees her and leave the kitchen eager to find Lizzie.
I hear her laugh before I find her. She is in the formal parlour with Richard and my aunt. Collins and Charlotte seem to have disappeared into the crowd. I push my shoulders back, stand up straight and walk confidently towards them. Richard sees me first. Lizzie has her back to me, apparently laughing at something he has said. Again I feel a peak of jealously, he makes her laugh, I want to make her laugh. "Nick! Over here!" I see Lizzie's whole body tense and when I approach she crosses her arms across her chest and looks at the floor. I'm no expert on body language, but even I could tell she isn't happy I am there. I feel a rush of pain flood my body, she doesn't want to see me. No. She had. She had come, that was enough. It was Caroline. That little display has put her guard up again, well now I'm going to break it down.
I smile and stand between her and Richard, facing Aunt Catherine. My aunt is eyeing Lizzie and scowling at her. I turn to drink some champagne, while really drinking in Lizzie. She looks so beautiful. Her long dark hair cascading in long waves down her back, like it was that evening in the conference room, not up like at work. I ache to touch it. I can smell her coconut shampoo. My new favourite scent. She wears a tasteful black dress. The neck is high on her collarbone and the sleeves fall just below her shoulders. The skirt skims her knees. Her black stilettos are just high enough to make her walk differently - straighter - like women do, but not so high, she is having to steady herself at every step. A plain silver bracelet graces her delicate wrist and a matching necklace with a simple solitaire hangs at her throat. Solitaire studs are in her ears. It is all simple and delicate and so Elizabeth. She doesn't need anything showy or gaudy, she is exquisite just as she is.
She takes my breath away.
My head and my heart are in constant battle. My heart wants nothing more than to sweep her in my arms and tell her how much she means to me, that I can't stop thinking about her, that all I can see when I close my eyes is her beautiful face. That when I sleep at night –if I sleep at all- I dream of her, of kissing her luscious full lips. When I wake I can't wait to get to work just so I can catch a glimpse of her. If I manage to join in conversation with her, it is the highlight of my day. How seeing how hurt she was at the hands of Caroline has made my blood boil. That I want her to meet my sister. How I want to stake my claim right now in front everyone I know and confess to them all how I want her in my life. Possibly forever. As utterly terrifying as that notion is, the feeling it fills me with is something even more powerful.
The only thing stopping me it seems, is me. My head is the reigning champion at the moment, although its winning title is hanging by a thread. It alone had stopped me. I know in my head it is wrong. We aren't to be. I know the damage it would inflict on everyone if I chose to give up everything and just be with her. To be happy. I can never be happy. I am Nicholas Darcy: heir to the Pemberley fortune and future director of Rosings Park. Titles I would trade in an instant for the one I really coveted: partner to Elizabeth Bennet. Who knows? Maybe even something more one day. I know then I will always be alone. If I can't be with Lizzie, no one would ever come close. I may be only twenty-eight, but I know enough that I will never meet another like her. Caroline immediately comes to mind but I just as quickly dismiss her. She is like a sister to me and I love her dearly, but I could never be in love with her, her personality alone repulses me. I have responsibilities and I have to put them first. There are too many people I would let down and disappoint by me being with Elizabeth. I would do what was expected of me. What I should do. What I always did.
The music has started up and couples are taking to the make shift dance floor. I look at her in awe, she is so natural. Normally when people met Catherine, they behaved like Mr Collins, faltering instantly, but Elizabeth holds her own, answering every question she is asked. I hadn't heard any of it, because all I can hear are the voices in my own head shouting 'why the hell aren't you asking her to dance?' I had missed out at the Christmas Party, I had been so close to asking her and then the fiasco with her sister Lydia had put stop to all of that. I am sure after all that was said that night she will refuse point blank, but I can't not ask her, knowing I could regret the missed opportunity forever. I have resounded myself to the fact there is no future for us. Why shouldn't I be allowed one night to bask in her company and pretend like it could all work out? Aunt Catherine has finally come up for air, so I seize my chance and open my mouth to ask her, but Lizzie has other plans.