Chapter Fifteen: Lizzie

What the hell is she doing in here? She knew I was coming up here. Does she suspect? God one day in and I'm already talking like I'm guilty of something. I'm just in my boyfriend's office to visit him and I'm acting like a scarlet woman. I breathe him in. Hmm he's so worth it though. Granted I wasn't overjoyed about this whole keeping it secret thing we had going on, but if meant we were still seeing each other, getting to know each other, and that he kissed me like this, I'm pretty sure I can put up with it - for now at least. I pull back looking into his gorgeous face. His brow is crinkled showing the concern on his face. His eyes are dark and anxious. He's worried about me, about my reaction to 'Green Eyes'. He knows me too well already.

He squeezes me tighter to him, "Thank God you're here. I don't think I could have gone another second without seeing you or kissing you."

"It seems you had plenty to occupy you in my absence." I tease. I couldn't help myself.

"Elizabeth Bennet, how could I ever look at her, or anyone, while you're alive? She doesn't know any better. We've been friends a long time, she cares about me. She thinks I shouldn't be single and she thinks that we would be better together than alone." His hands trail down my sides until his fingers link with mine.

Actually that gets me thinking.

"Yeah about that, what do you want me to do, you know if I get propositioned by someone, a man? What am I supposed to say? Everyone thinks I'm single too." His grip on my hands tightens, his forehead gets clammy. Looks like I've hit a nerve. Maybe you should have thought this little play through hey Mr Darcy?

"Who's propositioned you? Which man? Someone here at Rosings? Who?" He looks towards the door as if the man would suddenly come barrelling though it and force him to fight a duel for my hand. Well, well, Mr Darcy has a jealous side. Or at least a possessive one.

"Calm down," I grin. "Nobody, I just wanted to know what I was supposed to say when, if, that happens."

He relaxes, the tension falling away from his body in waves. "Lizzie the idea of someone - anyone - other than me, kissing you and touching you like I do, kills me. Literally rips at my heart. I don't think I could bare it. I know I couldn't. I may not be able to claim you as mine in front of everyone here, but if I needed to tell some other bloke to back the hell off, I would without a thought."

Wow, that was a good speech. Now I feel bad for testing him. He really likes me. Just to confirm it, he gathers me up in his arms pushing me against the office wall and claims me with a long passionate kiss. My toes are curling inside my stilettos.

"Maybe I'll just start telling people I'm celibate or something?" I mumble against his neck. His face splits open into the widest grin I've ever seen on his face.

"Yes that could work."

After a respectable time has passed I leave his office, tablet in hand as if we had just had a normal everyday meeting and not … well there was nothing normal about our meeting, but I sure hope it happens every day!

I've never considered myself an easily scared person. And never a girlie romantic type of girl. I was always the tomboy growing up, not interested in boys unless they were wanting to boost me up a tree I wanted to climb. I was never one to run screaming from the sight of a spider and always the first one to take a risk. But the past few weeks I've spent as Nick's girlfriend has put squash to all of that. Right now I'm terrified. Scared to death and my biggest fear, is that one day I'll wake up and all this will be over, right now I cannot think of anything worse than not having him in my life. The past two months - outside of work - we have been inseparable, spending each and every night together.

At first I was disgusted in myself for agreeing to keep us a secret, but now, I must admit, the stolen moments, hidden notes, bouquets delivered to my desk from mystery admirers, secret telephone calls, encrypted emails and saucy text messages are helping me come to terms with it quite nicely. Every night, I leave the office first, head to my flat, and within minutes Nick is there. I don't think he's set foot in his place since he came home from Derbyshire. At some point during the second week, a bag full of his things appeared one night, and two weeks after that, his clothes were hanging next to mine, his toothbrush in the cup beside mine. He had all but moved in and yet in the office we are perfect strangers, nothing but work colleagues. I'm not going to lie, it's exciting, planning our next meeting, ensuring we wouldn't be seen. Coming up with excuses for me to visit his office or to stay late working together on a case.

As much as I have enjoyed the creeping around, this weekend was sure to top all that. This weekend we are going out! Like really out! Georgiana is moving into her University campus on the coast and Nick is going to help her settle in. They had both been keen for me to come too. She alone knew about us. So we are having us a little weekend getaway to the seaside. I am beyond excited. Like couldn't keep still - counting down the minutes, bag packed beneath my desk, all day at work climbing the walls – excited. No one will know us there, Darcy had already been careful that no one from Rosings had any associations with the town where Georgiana will be staying, due to the whole Wickham business. So we know we are safe. We can walk down the street holding hands doing all the things that real couples do.

As we clink champagne glasses in the first class carriage of the train, countryside flying past the window and I look into Nicks eyes, I know the past eight weeks of secrecy have all been worth it. I'd do this for this rest of my life if it meant I got to share it with him. I want everything with him, marriage, kids; the works. I love him. I love him. Oh my god, I am in love with Mr Darcy.

"I love you."

Crap! That was out loud. Nick's staring at me like I've just grown an extra limb. Double crap, he doesn't feel the same. I don't even care that he doesn't feel the same I just wanted to say it, in my head granted, but now it's out there, I'm not about to take it back. He is the first man I have ever said it to and it never felt so right, I did love him. Why shouldn't I say it?

He takes my glass out of my hand and places it with his on the table in front of us. "Lizzie…"

"Stop!" I press my fingers against his lips, not wanting him to say it, I couldn't take the rejection. I would rather stay not knowing, than have him say he doesn't feel the same. He removes my fingers gently and links our little fingers together, looking down at them instead of at me. The air is thick with tension and I come to the conclusion that I am about to ruin our first romantic weekend together. "Wait, you don't … Don't think you have to say it back, to be honest I didn't even mean it." His head whips up and he raises an eyebrow in shock. "No I did mean it, I meant I didn't mean to say it out loud. That is, what I'm trying to say is, is if you're not ready yet, don't feel like you have to say it back, just because I said it. I was just in the moment and it happened, now the moments gone, if you do feel the same and you want to tell me, sometime, there's no pres-" I'm cut off by his hands on my face pulling me towards his into the deepest kiss we've ever shared, it's like he is trying to climb inside me and take ownership of me; mind and body, heart and soul.

But he doesn't say it back.

The weekend passes in one long candle lit romantic blur. I am not just in love anymore, I am head over heels, infatuated. I don't just have butterflies fluttering in my tummy when I see him, I have fireworks exploding. When he touches me, I can still feel the warmth of his skin on mine long after it has left it. And when he kisses me … when he kisses me … there are no words to describe that feeling, but it leaves me feeling safer, more desired and more home than I have ever felt in my entire twenty one years of being on this earth. Nicholas Darcy is my missing piece, my other half, my soul mate. My Future.

"Lizzie? Lizzie are you listening to me? Your phone's just gone off. I think you have a message." He lays back on the picnic blanket we have stretched out on the beach. His head is on my lap while I sit back enjoying the sun and spending time with my boyfriend outside the four walls of my flat. He looks good outside.

"We should do this more often." I squint my eyes looking up at the sunshine filled sky. Enjoying the warmth of it on my skin. I feel him tense up beneath my arms. Then it dawns on me. Of course we can't. We can't do things like this, because we can't let anyone know about us, can we? Trying to skate over the black hole that has just opened up between us threatening to ruin this wonderful weekend like the Great British weather at a barbeque, I remember what he has said. "My phone, right, a message, yeah." I pull out my phone, reading the message. I sit up straight, nearly causing Nick to roll off my lap. "OH MY GOD! Charlotte and Mr Collins, They're …. They're … they're engaged!"

Nick's face has the same shock written all over it. "Engaged? Like engaged to be married?"

"No Nick engaged on the phone, of course engaged to be married. I can't believe she'd do this, I mean I know they spent time together, and I know she's desperate to have a life of her own, but marrying Mr Collins! That just puts her slap bang back in Meryton with no chance of leaving anytime soon. What is she thinking?"

"Maybe she fell in love with him." He looks down at the sand.

"How could she have? I don't think so. They've only known each other two minutes."

"Well stranger things have happened. Opposites do attract after all." He smiles his special Lizzie smile and rubs my calf with his big hand. I look in to his warm eyes, leaning down I kiss him and remind him how attracted I was to him. He pulls away much too soon. "She's older than you isn't she?"

I narrow my eyes in confusion. "Yes but what's that got to do with it?"

"Well she probably wants things, you know, the things normal girls want. A home, marriage, babies. She's probably thinking of all that. Mr Collins isn't that bad and he has a good career ahead of him. I think it's a good match. She could do worse." I'm stunned by these latest words of Darcy wisdom. Normal girls? What's that supposed to mean? I've agreed to a secret relationship with no real prospects of it developing into anything more, so I am abnormal? All this was his idea. Mr Collins isn't bad… good match? I'm looking at stranger. He settles back into his place on my lap and puts on his sunglasses, his tell for going to sleep. I can't relax anymore. I need to go for a walk and clear my head. So much has just happened since I received that text message it's like something has shifted.

I shuffle from under him until he is forced to lean up on his elbows and move from my lap. He lifts his sunglasses to look at me. Silently asking me what I am doing. "I'm going for a walk," I explain, "do you want anything?"

"No, but do you want me to come with you?" He starts to pack the things away.

"No, no I could do with a few minutes alone to process all this. Ok?"

He looks puzzled. "Yeah, but Lizzie it's not the end of the world you know? Your friend is getting married. Ok, so you don't like the bloke, but it's not you marrying him is it? You're not the one engaged." He stops what he is doing, as if he realises what he has just said and then continues putting the stuff into the bag.

"No I'm not." I murmur. "I'll see you in a little while."

That's how I find myself sitting here at the wedding reception of my closest friend Charlotte. I have been bridesmaid. Only myself and her sister Maria. It had been a quick wedding, only four months have passed since I received her engagement news to now. They wanted to get married before the end of the summer. I can't understand why, but each to their own. My sister Jane is beside me playing with the diamond ring that adorns her third finger. Yes, it seems wedding bells are definitely in the air. Charlie proposed a few weeks after Mr Collins and they too are eager to get their wedding under way. They're due to be married at the end of September. I am to be bridesmaid - again - what's that saying, always the bridesmaid? Nick will be best man, I have just spent a very uncomfortable few minutes listening to Jane and Charlie banter over whether or not Nick and Caroline will finally get it together at the wedding. Under the table I pull out my phone and send a quick message.

Me Missing you.

Nick Me too, the flat seems quiet without you.

Me You're in my flat?

Nick Yeah, I'm in bed waiting for you

I smile, God I wish he could have come tonight, if I have to see one more pity smile aimed at me when I tell people I'm here alone. Or my mother saying how that could have been me stood there with Doctor Collins.

Me I'll be home soon. Just having one last dance.

Nick Alone I hope. You looked too good in that dress. I bet all the men are looking at you. Wish I was there to fend them off.

Me You could have been.

Alright that is a low blow, but I'm feeling pretty low.