Chapter 17

I was out on one of the balconies that the Order had, leaning up against the stone fence that prevented people from falling over. The air was chilly, and I had a scarf wrapped tightly about my neck, protecting it from the cold air. My hair blew around my face and the wind whipped at the dressing robe I was wearing. My slippered feet were starting to get cold.

I had managed to steal away for some alone time. It wasn't that I didn't want to be around Kanda. Being with him made me feel better, because with Kanda I knew that I didn't have to say anything. He would silently understand everything that went through my mind, just by how I stood and my facial expressions.

Kanda had spent the past couple of days in my room, never leaving me. I could tell he was exhausted, because when I was supposed to be sleeping I snuck in a couple of peeks at him, and every time I looked he was awake, staring at the wall, sometimes watching me. I could tell that he was trying so hard to make sure that I was okay.

Thankfully, the one time that I really fell asleep, I woke up to find him leaning forward slightly in his chair, eyes closed. I managed to sneak away from my room silently without waking him. He needed rest, and I felt awful that I was keeping him from his normal sleeping habits.

I had come to the balcony, because I needed to get out of the confines of the walls. It was stifling. I wanted to run away, get away from all this pain. I hated seeing my friends die, one by one. Eventually, they'd all be gone.

Tears started to pour down my face again, and I buried my face in my hands. I stood there, crying, for a long time. I started when a hand suddenly was on my back, rubbing small circles. I turned, and saw Lavi. He smiled at me, and reached out, a tissue in his hand.

"Here, hun," he said. I took it and wiped my eyes, turning back to the railing to stare over the grounds. Lavi came to stand next to me, leaning with his elbows on the stone and cupping his chin in his hands.

We stayed like that, silently, for what seemed like eternity. I didn't say anything, and I didn't feel the need to anyway. Everything was empty. Words seemed so unimportant.

A loud bang erupted from somewhere below, and I watched as birds fluttered, startled, from their nests in the trees.

"I wonder what it's like to be a bird," Lavi said. "To be able to fly free, nothing holding you down."

I didn't say anything, unsure of how to respond. He didn't turn towards me, instead gazed out above the treetops. I took that to mean that a reply was unneccesary.

"They're completely safe up there," he continued. "Well, for the most part. I suppose there could be larger birds out there just waiting to prey on them. But regardless, theyre safe. Down on the ground though, they have to be always prepared for the tiger waiting to pounce."

I realized that he was comparing the birds to us exorcists. Here, at the Black Order Headquarters, high up in the air, away from the rest of civilization, we were completely safe. For the most part, when you took into account Komui's crazy, often life threatening, inventions. It was out in the rest of the world that we were in the most trouble. It was out there where we were most succeptible to an attack by the Earl, where we risked our lives and where some lost theirs.

"Lavi?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"Hmm?"

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Stay so strong as all of your friends die."

He turned to look at me, eyes slightly narrowed. The expression was not a mean one; he was merely contemplating what I said. I sat down, leaning my back against the hard stone of the Order's wall.

"I don't know. It affects me too. I guess I like to keep the premise of strength and being unaffected by all of this to keep up my tough guy image," he said, with a joking tone at the last part.

"Tough guy image?" I repeated.

"But really Val, I feel it. I did know Daisya, perhaps not quite as well as you and Kanda, but well enough. He was a good guy. He didn't deserve this."

"None of us do," I said. Lavi nodded, still leaning against the barricade. I bent my knees up to my chest and folded my arms across them, resting my forehead on my arms. Suddenly I was exhausted.

It was quiet. I had become used to the quiet that constantly surrounded Kanda and I for the past few days. Conversing with people had become a strain, and I chose the solituded of my room over the din of the cafeteria. But now, this silence was incredibly loud. Of course, it didn't last.

"Where. Is. Val," Kanda said angrily, bursting through the door to the balcony and lunging for Lavi, grabbing him by his jacket.

"Hey! Take it easy!"

"Where is she, baka usagi? I've been looking all over for her!"

"She's right there!" Lavi said, pointing at me on the ground. Kanda glared at him and released his hold, coming over to me. He held out his hand.

"Come on," he said, rather angrily. I reached up and took his hand. He pulled my up, somewhat roughly, and led me away. He didn't let go of my hand until we were back at my room.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" he asked.

"You haven't been sleeping, so I thought that you could use rest."

"Well, you should have woken me up. I was worr-" he broke off mid-sentence, face growing red.

"You were what?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"Kanda, you can't start a sentence and not finish it."

"Fine! I was worried! Happy now?"

A small smile crept to my lips. He was worried about me. He cared. I wanted to know if he felt the same way about me that I did about him. I wanted to know if he loved me too. I wanted to ask, but it was too hard.

"I'm sorry," I said instead.

"No. I'm sorry. I overreacted. But, please don't do that again."

"I won't."

"Good," he said, sitting down next to me on my bed. I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder. His hand slipped into mine, seemingly unconsciously. I started, shocked. He looked at me, curiously.

"What?" he asked. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, leaning my head against his shoulder again, enjoying the feeling of my hand intertwined with his.

This is a really crappy chapter. I'm sorry. But I havent posted in a while and I wanted to give everyone a holiday present. So I wrote this. I hope it isn't as bad as I think it is. Please review and let me know.

Happy Holidays! :)