Though Andie had already been dreading having to work on her own, she hadn't quite imagined the toll it would take. Being surrounded by nothing but the dark atmosphere of the manor was beginning to have an increasingly negative effect on her.
The little progress she seemed to have made in coming out of her shell had completely disappeared and she now spoke up even less. Finnian and Mey-Rin in particular attempted to encourage her to socialise and talk to people, but if anything she just withdrew even more.
With the cold memories of the manor seeping into her she fell into a state of constant depression. When she was around any of the others she was constantly on edge and jumped at small noises. She felt like she'd gone back beyond even square one. She was sure that she'd never felt quite so unhappy before.
Her appetite completely disappeared and she felt like she was constantly ill and shivery, as if she had permanent flu that she could never shake off. Working at the manor hadn't been quite so bad to start off with, but now that she had to work alone with nobody else beside her – forced to endure the gloomy echoes of the manor by herself – it was bordering on unbearable.
She was now sure that she'd made a huge mistake in ever coming here. Because surely everything she'd had to deal with back home had been better than feeling… nothing.
It was Monday. The start of a new week. Meaning that it was the day when all of the bed linen needed to be changed over, which was what Andie had spent a good part of her morning doing. Phantomhive Manor had a lot of beds – most of which were generally unused, residing in the many elaborate guest rooms. Even so, they still had to be changed as well. Things that weren't used gathered dust… And dust was unacceptable under Sebastian's rule.
Once she'd gone through all of the guest rooms – Ciel's wing of the manor being the first she had to attend – she headed back down towards the servant's quarters. Their beds had to be changed too, but the servant's quarters always had to be left until last. The rest of the manor was more important.
She was grateful that the quarters were empty at this time of morning. Everybody else had gone off to carry out their own jobs, so she knew that she could happily get to work with the reassurance that there would be no interruptions.
Though she disliked having to work in some of the manor's more sensitive rooms by herself, the servant's quarters had no lingering emotions behind them. They felt safe to be in on her own. They didn't feel hostile or depressing like a lot of the manor's rooms did.
And of course Andie preferred to be alone where she could – when she knew she wouldn't be harassed by the ghosts of feelings long gone by. Being completely alone was generally more inside her comfort zone.
She was grateful that the beds in the servant's quarters were small – much easier to change than master Ciel's giant four-poster bed, as well as the queen-sizes that were in most of the guest rooms. Her back already ached from trying to manoeuvre around such big mattresses and all of the effort was starting to make her light-headed. This was definitely a job done better with two people.
But she'd made her bed and now she had to lie in it. She'd flown her post once so she had to deal with the consequences. Sebastian had made it clear that his rules were to be followed absolutely… Having to work alone was her just punishment for her moment of weakness. She'd accepted that.
Unfortunately, her body didn't agree. By the time she'd finished changing the sheets on all of the servants' beds she was sweating, she felt nauseous and her back now hurt even more, as well as her stomach. She sank down to sit on the ground at the foot of her bed – preferring the cool solidness of the hard stone floor to the squashy and uneven hay mattress.
Maybe she really was ill… Though this certainly didn't feel like the flu. Flu didn't cramp up your stomach like menstrual pains. Andie wondered briefly if that was the problem. But then that wouldn't explain why she felt so sick and light-headed. It wouldn't explain her lack of appetite either. Plus she hadn't had any other signs of her monthly cycle for weeks now…
Andie froze. Weeks… How many weeks had it been? More than four definitely. Now that she thought about it was sure it was actually coming closer to eight. Oh no… Did that mean she was…
She shook her head furiously, clutching her knees tighter. She was being silly. She must have added up the weeks wrong. It couldn't be right. Surely it couldn't…
The doctor had told her that her body showed all the signs of being infertile… But then she'd heard people back in her village saying how doctors didn't always get it right nowadays. And they said that miracles did happen.
But this wasn't a miracle. This was a very, very big problem.
She dug her fingers hard into her knees, trying not to panic, desperately attempting to count days in her head… When was the last time she'd had to sleep with a man? It had been Mr. Connors – the same night that Sebastian had first brought her here. But how long ago was that? She couldn't remember... She hadn't been keeping track of the days whilst she'd been at the manor.
She moved a hand gingerly to her stomach, feeling even sicker than before. Because of what the doctor had told her she'd never worried about this kind of thing. But she hadn't felt right for the last few weeks now. Pains, nausea, loss of appetite, disruption of her menstrual cycle… It all added up.
What was she going to do? She definitely couldn't stay here. Things would only get worse. She felt a pang of sadness as she realised that the one person that she wanted right now was her mother… But she'd never had that kind of relationship with her and she didn't know if she'd even be welcome back after she'd disappeared without a word to any of her family.
So where else could she go? Besides here and her old home there really wasn't anywhere… She was out of options.
Andie raked her fingers through her hair, burying her face against her knees. She'd never felt quite as alone as she did in that moment... She had nowhere to go and nobody to go to. All she had was the knowledge that her body was going to be slowly destroyed from the inside out.
She suddenly scrambled to her feet. She needed to get outside. Now. She felt hot and dizzy… She needed air. An escape. Anything.
She burst out into the grounds through the first door she could find. It was cold outside and raining quite heavily, but she didn't care. Anything to numb the panic and desperation inside her…
The ground was muddy and she slipped twice as she drifted aimlessly around the perimeter of the manor. The third time she fell completely on her side into a large puddle, the mud soaking straight through into her clothes and her hair. She barely even noticed.
She dragged herself back up and found that she was by the back steps again. The place she'd escaped to the last time that everything had became too much for her. She sank down onto them and buried her face against her legs once more, ignoring the rain and the cold and the world around her.
XXX
"Sebaaastian!"
The butler looked round from the table settings that he was so carefully laying out just as Mey-Rin, Finnian and Bardroy came crashing through the doorway together. He sighed and reluctantly straightened up, turning away from his masterpiece in-progress.
"Now what is it?" he asked. This kind of occurrence happened far too often for his liking.
"We think Andie's disappeared!"
"Nobody's seen her since this morning."
"We've looked but we can't find her anywhere!"
Sebastian sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Why did his staff always insist on such shenanigans just before mealtimes? They had such unfortunate timing…
"It seems our new maid appears to be much more trouble than I anticipated…" said Sebastian. "Bard, you are still to continue with the preparations for the evening meal. Finny, Mey-Rin… I want you to carry on searching the manor and see if you can find our elusive Miss Frost."
"Right!"
The servants all jumped to attention and ran off again, splitting in separate directions. Bardroy headed straight back towards the kitchens, whilst Finnian started another circuit search of the ground floor. Mey-Rin went to check all of the rooms upstairs. Sebastian turned back to the table settings, shaking his head. He was sure that if he was human he'd have a nuisance of a headache forming right about now.
Once he was satisfied with his silverware presentation he went to visit Ciel in his study. He knocked dutifully on the door before entering, as he always did. "My lord, I thought I'd inform you that there may be the slightest delay with dinner this evening. Bard's working to cover up the lapse as we speak."
"Who was it this time?" asked Ciel simply, not even looking up from the letter he was reading. He knew almost as well as Sebastian did how incompetent the staff could be at times.
"Our newest maid appears to have taken flight again," replied Sebastian.
Ciel shot him an annoyed look. "Must you always insist on hiring such unreliable staff?"
"On the contrary, my young master… I still believe she has a lot of potential," countered Sebastian. "She just doesn't appear to be settling in as well as I would have hoped by now…"
"Then do something about it," said Ciel shortly. "Why are you telling me?"
Sebastian gave him a respectful bow. "Just making you aware of the situation, my lord."
Meanwhile, Finnian had looped all the way back round to the servant's quarters and still hadn't seen any sign of Andie. He stopped and leant against one of the wooden chairs, rocking back on his heels, trying to think of any places that they hadn't thought to check yet.
He glanced out of the small window in the wall opposite. Could she have left the manor entirely? He hoped not. It was pouring with rain outside.
Outside… Finnian's gaze never moved from the window. Andie had told him before that she much preferred being outdoors. But surely… Surely she wouldn't have gone outside in weather like this. It had been raining for hours now.
But maybe it was still worth checking.
Finnian made up his mind and dashed out into the rain, attempting to shield his face from the downpour that assaulted him as soon as he stepped outside. Thankfully he didn't have far to look. He found Andie sitting on the steps just round the corner, still hugging her knees and hiding her face.
He ran over to the steps and crouched down beside her, gingerly reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. He was almost afraid to touch her – like she'd break if he wasn't careful. But then that was truer with him than it would be with anyone else.
"Are you okay?" he asked, very gently shaking her shoulder. She didn't answer or even look up. "Andie, can you hear me?"
When she still didn't respond he started to become worried. She was soaked through to the bone and her clothes were streaked with mud. What on earth had she been doing? Finnian wasn't sure what to do… Should he go and find Sebastian? But then he didn't think that he should leave her alone…
"Why am I not surprised?"
Finnian jumped and quickly straightened up, looking round as he did. As if on cue, Sebastian had appeared behind him. He shook his head, looking exasperated, and moved in between Finnian and Andie so that he could address her properly.
"Come now Andie, you can't stay out here," he chastised her.
Andie still didn't move. She didn't even hear him. She didn't even feel him. She'd pushed herself into the coldest, numbest state of mind that she could find. She couldn't feel anything beyond that. For once, her own emotions had taken precedence over anyone else's.
Sebastian wasn't going to be ignored for long though. Disregarding Andie's usual unspoken no-touching policy, he took her firmly by the arm and pulled her to her feet. Andie didn't even register what was happening. All she knew was that she was suddenly up and drifting along, as Sebastian guided her back inside.
"Come along, Finny," he said over his shoulder. "We'll get you both dried off."
Finnian obediently followed Sebastian and Andie back into the manor. Once inside, Sebastian steered Andie down towards the boiler in the servant's quarters and plonked her down into a chair that he slid in front of it. A trail of water was left in their wake. Sebastian sighed. That was even more work to be taken care of…
Finnian watched wide-eyed as Sebastian then produced two large white towels, seemingly from nowhere. "Here we are," he announced, tossing one over to Finnian. "Try not to get too much water everywhere. It'll have to be cleaned up afterwards."
"Right," said Finnian, clumsily attempting to dry his hair as quickly and as orderly as he could. Strangely, Sebastian didn't seem to have gotten wet at all.
Sebastian bundled Andie up into the other towel. "Let's get you dried off too," he said, briskly rubbing it over her hair.
As the warmth from the boiler started to soak into her, Andie took one end of the towel from Sebastian and started absent-mindedly drying her hair herself. Everything was starting to sink in now – it was all coming back to her. The pains. The anxiety. The damage that one man had done that would affect her entire life…
Men. It was men who had done this to her.
As quick as the thought had hit her, the words were out of her mouth before she'd even realised. "Don't touch me!" she suddenly cried, snatching the towel from Sebastian's hands as she leapt out of the chair and backed away from him.
The numbness had gone – she could feel everything again. And she could really feel Sebastian now… It felt like the entire room would be swallowed up by the eternal blackness of his soul.
Finnian stared at her, both stunned and concerned. He'd never seen her act like that before… Even Sebastian blinked in surprise at her sudden mood swing. But he recovered from it much more quickly. "Andrea," he said more sternly, moving towards her. "You cannot keep acting like this whenever you see fit. I expected you to have made some progress by now."
"Just stay away from me!" Andie begged, clutching the towel tighter around her like it would protect her somehow. "Please… don't touch me! Don't come anywhere near me!"
Sebastian did stop in his tracks, but he felt rather annoyed. He knew that Andie had it in her to get past this and put everything that had happened behind her… So why was she still acting so difficult? She really should have made at least a little improvement by this point.
Finnian watched them both worriedly. He didn't know what was going on… Andie was clearly upset about something, but he really didn't understand what it could be. The other servants and himself had all noticed at mealtimes that she hadn't really been eating, but they'd put it down to her just feeling under the weather. So what could have been so bad that it had driven her out into the rain for hours on end?
Whatever it was, Finnian wanted to help. Andie had seemed to trust him before and it was clear that she didn't trust many people. Maybe he could do something that Sebastian couldn't… As she definitely appeared to be afraid of the butler dressed in black.
He took a cautious step forward. "It's okay, Andie," he said gently. "Just tell us what's wrong. Maybe we can…"
"No!" protested Andie. "Just keep away, both of you!"
She drew the towel tighter around her, hiding behind it, trying to block out every single thought and feeling inside her head. It had been so much easier when she'd been sitting out in the rain. Just easy, numb nothingness.
Finnian hesitated, unsure what to do. He looked to Sebastian for help, who swiftly took over. "Andie, you're being silly now. We can't help you if you won't let us anywhere near you."
"I don't want either of you to help me!" Andie finally burst out. Why wouldn't these people leave her alone after everything else that had already been forced upon her? "I don't even want to be here! It's because of men like you that I ended up like this!"
Silence rang through the room. Andie was breathing heavily, still clutching the towel to her head. Everything hurt. She just wanted it all to go away… She was scared to look at Sebastian after her outburst. But when she looked at Finnian instead she saw the dejection in his face and she knew that she'd hurt his feelings. She wanted to feel guilty, but right now there just wasn't any room in her for anymore emotion.
Sebastian wasn't as easy to deter though. He was going to get to the bottom of this once and for all. "Finny, go and let the others know that the search is over," he said calmly. "No doubt Mey-Rin will still be looking for Andie upstairs."
"Err, okay," said Finnian shakily. He hurried off without looking back.
This time Andie really did feel a pang of guilt. The one person she'd even come close to trusting and she'd just taken all of her anguish out on him… It looked like there was room for more pain after all.
"Now," said Sebastian commandingly. "I want to know what the reason is behind all of this silly behaviour. This can't keep happening or it will be your position here that's on the line."
"I can't stay here anyway," said Andie miserably, staring down at her feet.
"And why is that?" pressed Sebastian.
Andie hesitated for a long time before finally admitting, "…I think I'm pregnant."
For the first few seconds Sebastian looked completely astonished. Then, to Andie's absolute amazement, he suddenly started laughing.
"It… it's not funny!" she protested. She couldn't believe he was laughing at her. After all the torment she'd been through!
"I'm terribly sorry, Andie," Sebastian apologised, though he was still chuckling. "But what on earth can have caused you to jump to that conclusion?"
He doubted her? Did he think she was stupid enough to have made this deduction without good reason? "I've… I've been having stomach pains and back pains. I haven't wanted to eat anything – I feel sick all the time… And I haven't had my last two…"
She stopped then, feeling a dark flush creeping up her cheeks. Despite everything she'd had to do in her lifetime, discussing menses with a man was still far too embarrassing.
But even now Sebastian still looked bemused. "Andie, I believe your calculations must be off… When was the last time that you engaged in intercourse with a man?"
"The night… that I first came here," replied Andie hesitantly. That subject wasn't any less uncomfortable either. And she still didn't understand what he was getting at…
"As I suspected," said Sebastian. "That was almost three months ago now. Maybe you don't understand the cycle of pregnancy very well, but too much time has passed now for the first effects of pregnancy to be showing."
Andie still looked utterly confused. Seeing the expression on her face he added, "Besides, I saw the rather shamefaced Mr. Connors myself that night when he left your house. Knowing who he is, I can actually confirm that he is infertile."
"I… But… How did you know that?" questioned Andie, amazed.
"Why, because that was the reason he came to you in the first place. Mrs. Connors wasn't giving him what he desired because she knew that it would never result in a child," explained Sebastian, seeming perfectly comfortable with the conversation. "So unless you've been engaging in sexual activities whilst you've been here at the manor…"
"No, I have not!" Andie objected indignantly.
"Then you most definitely cannot be pregnant," Sebastian concluded.
Andie still didn't understand. That didn't really explain anything. "But… What's wrong with me then?" she practically demanded.
"Well as you said yourself, you haven't been eating properly," Sebastian pointed out. "And the other servants picked up on that too, I hope you know. Food is a necessity for human beings to keep on living. If you don't give your body what it needs then it will start to have an increasingly negative effect... Including to the extent that it can make you ill and even disrupt your menstruation cycle."
Andie didn't know what to say. All of this had happened to her simply because she hadn't been eating? She'd brought it all on herself? Now she just felt extremely stupid…
Sebastian continued on. "Now we just need to fix the reason that was causing you to lose your appetite in the first place… I understand you've been having a problem with some of the rooms in this manor? They've been making you unhappy, have they not?"
"Err… yeah," replied Andie slowly. How did he know that? She'd never mentioned it to anyone before.
"Andie, I want you to know that it's okay for you to let us know if you have a problem with something," said Sebastian, more kindly than he had been so far. "This is a working environment for you, but I'd still prefer for all of my staff to be happy. If you'd have said something in the first place then you needn't have bottled it all up and then taken everything out on myself and poor Finny."
Now he was making her feel even guiltier. Andie looked down at her feet again. "I didn't mean to…"
"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that," said Sebastian cheerily. "I'm sure it's no damage that a little truth can't repair."
Again, Andie was left with nothing to say. Just even more thoughts to deal with. Sebastian laughed again at the baffled look on her face.
"I'll leave you to it for now," he decided. "Make sure you dry yourself off completely and clean up in here before you leave the servant's quarters. We don't want to have water dripped all over the manor."
"Okay." Andie gave him the barest of nods, her voice back to its usual soft volume.
"I'll see if I can find a solution to your problem with those rooms," added Sebastian dutifully. "And if you have any further issues then at least speak to someone about it – if you're still too afraid to come to me."
And with that he left Andie alone to mull everything over. She obediently continued to dry herself off in silence, feeling extremely relieved that her worrying had all been for nothing. When they had their evening meal later on she was definitely going to make sure she ate as much as she could manage.
She still felt rather silly though. Not to mention guilty that she'd hurt Finnian's feelings. But Sebastian was right – hopefully with the truth she could fix the damage she'd made… Though that was probably easier said than done.
She didn't have much time to prepare for it either. Finnian returned whilst she was mopping the floor, bringing the wet clothes that he'd changed out of to put them in the hamper that the servants had separate from the others in the manor. He gave Andie a small sad smile when he saw her, then walked past her without saying anything.
Andie felt a painful stab of sadness. And for once she was positive that this was her own emotion. Nobody else's.
She made her decision and awkwardly took a step after him. "I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take all of that out on you."
Finnian stopped and turned round, startled. He hadn't expected Andie to even talk to him again after how she'd acted earlier. But no… The shy doll-like girl was actually apologising to him. He took one look at her worried face then gave her a real smile this time.
"Don't worry about it," he reassured, as brightly as ever. "I'm sure you just had a lot on your mind."
Andie realised that he was unintentionally giving her the opportunity to leave it at that and then they'd likely continue as normal… But she felt that she owed him more of an explanation. Even if it was the more difficult choice…
"I… erm…" she twisted her hands together, feeling uncomfortable. "I thought I was pregnant…"
Finnian's eyes grew wide. "Pregnant? But…" How, was what he wanted to ask… But then maybe that wasn't the best question. In reality, he didn't actually know anything about Andie or her personal life. That wasn't really his place to ask.
However, Andie was finally ready to divulge him. "I'm not actually pregnant… I was just being stupid," she felt the need to confirm. "Before I came here I was an, erm… I mean…" She groped for the right word but was unable to find it. The people in her village had carefully avoided the words prostitute and harlot around her. "I used to be… sold to men."
She kept twisting her hands until it was almost painful, feeling like she maybe hadn't explained it in the best way… But Finnian had definitely understood her meaning. He stared at her in horror. How had such a young girl gotten mixed up into something like that? "But how did you… What I mean is… why?"
"Um, well. My mother, she decided…" Andie stopped. That didn't really show her mother in the best light. She didn't want to make her out to be the villain in this. "We just didn't have enough money, especially for my little brothers…"
Finnian just kept staring at her through big sea-blue eyes. This was it… This was why the girl in front of him had always shut herself off from the rest of the world. Why she rarely ever spoke unless she had to. Why she didn't trust anyone – why she was terrified of everybody around her…
"I'm so sorry…" he said. What he really wanted was to do more than that… He wanted to comfort her in some better way. Hold her, stroke her hair, pat her shoulder… Anything. But how could he when he now knew why she so feared the touch of others?
What he didn't realise though, was that it was enough. Nobody had ever said anything to her that they'd meant so genuinely before. And she realised that maybe she really did have somebody whom she could trust.
So for the first time since she could remember… she actually smiled. "Thank you…"