Chapter 6-Model Patient
Dr. Tanaka took her usual seat and sat down across from me. She opened up my patient file and scribbled something on it. The office was quiet except the constant ticking of the clock. I scratched my scar on my belly and waited for the doctor to start the session.
"So, Ami, any side effects from the medications? Tics or tremors in the body? Blurred vision? Nausea and vomiting?" She ticked off the boxes on her sheet as I said no to all the questions. At one point, she raised her eyebrows and then wrote something on the margin.
I stared at the doctor, contemplating my next move.
"The other therapists had all reported that you cooperated fully in all the therapy sessions. I heard you even help out a patient set up her first e-mail account during Life Skills. I am so proud of you." The psychiatrist smiled.
"Thank you. Dr. Tanaka, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." The doctor took off her reading glasses and turned her full attention to me. To her, I was probably the model patient, the one to brag about to her other colleagues. I felt that she had come to trust that I would make the best decisions for myself. Indeed, she was right but my best decisions were not what she would agree with.
"I know the patient files are confidential. However, I was wondering if I could read the session notes and the reports? Especially the ones before I became coherent."
"Ami, I will be frank with you. This might not be a good idea. There are notes and observations here made from various therapists, including me. Reading them might skew your perception of things. It might hinder your recovery. Now, if you have questions regarding the time before you became coherent, I could just tell you what happened." Dr. Tanaka quickly offered an alternative. She was quite an expert at negotiating with patients, but I wasn't one of her usual patients.
"I am only interested in facts. If it's not too much trouble, you could just photocopy the actual reports and redact the observation parts. "
"If you don't mind me asking, why now? Why the urgency?" Dr. Tanaka was getting suspicious.
"I feel like if I could learn more about my delusion, then I might be able to get better sooner. I have tried to make a real friendship with the girls that visited me. You said it was the key to establishing my connection to reality. Sometimes, however, I felt like I am messing up the details still. For example, Usagi in my world was clumsy and kind of lazy when it came to school works. This Usagi was completely different. She was actually diligent in school. I mean, she went to cram school. My made up Usagi would never do that." I waited patiently for the doctor's counter argument. I had anticipated all these reluctance from her, so I had tailored my answers to all of her "buts".
Dr. Tanaka was silent for a long time. The room was silent again except the ticking of the clock. She quickly flipped through my files and re-read some of the pages. Finally satisfied she looked up and gave me a big smile. "Ami, I have come to trust you very much. You have proven to me, time after time, that you were serious about getting better. So, I will give you the files tomorrow after I photocopy them."
Step one, check.
"Thank you so much, Dr. Tanaka. I know I was a nightmare before, with my violent outbursts and my lack of cooperation. Now, I feel like a completely different person, all because of you. If super powers were real, it would be your power of healing." I gave a high praise to the doctor, and I saw her blush.
Step two, check.
Dr. Tanaka quickly looked down on her watch, trying to hide her expression. She knew I saw it. "I will see you tomorrow at 10 am. That's it for today."
I gave a slight bow to the doctor and I quickly exited the room.
For the rest of the day, I continued on with my auto pilot. Participated in sessions. Finished all my food. "Took" my medications without protest. Light out at 9pm.
I toss and turned in bed that night. Too afraid to go to sleep, I tried to keep myself awake by going over my plan. I need the patient files because I needed to find out exactly what happened before I "woke up" the first time and what made me go back to the fugue state.
I reached under my pillow and felt the bag of discarded meds. I hope I didn't have to use them….