Part Four: Winter Interlude
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night…
"You look like a nun."
"Gram!" She twirled and gave Louisa a stern look, " I do not. I look sophisticated."
She smoothed the full black skirt and adjusted the boat neck on the black velvet bodice Perhaps it was a bit somber, but she felt somber right now. And it was not wholly without any sparkle, as a line of flashing bugle beads graced the neckline, waist and hem of the full length tulle skirt. Still, Amanda grimaced at her reflection in the mirror. Maybe this was a mistake.
"Okay, I've changed my mind."
"You'll go with the blue? That was always so lovely on you."
"No, I've changed my mind. I won't go," She reached into the tousled waves that framed her face pulling out the pair of pearl and jet combs.
"You'll do not such thing. I'm sorry I said anything. You look fine," her grandmother sighed in frustration, placing the combs back where they belonged, "I'm tired of you moping about here every chance you get, feeling sorry for your self for no good reason. You are going to get out of this apartment and go to this reception with me."
Amanda's mouth set in a tight line, she knew it was pointless arguing-the look on her grandmother's face told her so. She was going to be made to go the reception with Louisa or she would never hear the end of it. Maybe she will be able to find a corner someplace to hide…
"I'll go, but this is what I'm wearing."
"Fine. I just hope people don't ask me who died."
oooo0000oooo
Receptions could be a bore. Or they could be quite interesting given the right set of beings that might converge at any one point in the evening. This one was tuning out to be more of the former, and Amanda found herself looking for refuge from the pointless whirl of socializing. Fortunately, a greenhouse garden lay just off the main reception hall, the perfect spot to escape.
Enclosed as it was, the garden was still cool, a reminder that winter was upon them. The full moon shown through the glass windows of the greenhouse, windows that were tinged with frost. Strategically placed heaters kept many of the plants from going into hibernation this time of year, but the end result was a strange tightrope of temperatures that rose and fell as one passed by the heaters or moved away from them. There was no happy medium— it was hot or cold, no middle ground, seeming to echo her life right now.
Amanda had said her required hellos and courteous inquiries when needed and then retreated away from the sounds of the crowded reception room floor. Once she would have made herself right at home in the midst of it all the goings-on, but it no longer felt right. She had lost something and didn't know how to find it again. No, take that back, she did know what she had lost— a belief in herself and in fate and in everything that was magical and unexpected in her life. She had rather stupidly put her faith in a fairy tale, and fairy tales never come true. Now all she wanted to do was think about what direction she needed to take in her life, how she could pull herself out of the blue mood she had settled into.
Hearing footsteps, she retreated back into the safety of the shadows, taking a second or two to realize that it was her grandmother and another party, deep in conversation. She peeked around the corner- it was Nebela Frazier, one of Louisa's under-secretaries back when she was in office.
"I can't believe my bad luck."
"I thought you knew he was back. T'Fregla'a made such a mess of those trade negotiations. Some of them put on such airs, as if they were better than the whole lot of the Federation together. They didn't seem to have much choice but to call him back."
Louisa mumbled something under her breath, too low for Amanda to make out.
"It's a problem?"
"It's Amanda."
Fine, Gram, let the world know my business! She tightened her jaw and crossed her arms in anticipation of what was coming next.
"She fantasized some sort of an imaginary relationship with him. And then when he left without as much of a word of goodbye, she allowed herself to imagine a broken heart as well."
"A Vulcan saying goodbye? The child has always had a vivid imagination doesn't she?"
Amanda never liked Nebela, and she was beginning to remember why…
"I know, I know. Believe me, I've tried to reason with her. But she's young and she still has those stars in her eyes. Regardless, she was very hurt by it all. It took forever to convince her to come here, and now this…"
Her grandmother's voice faded as they moved to the far side of the garden. Amanda took a deep breath, schooling herself. Nothing had ever been said between her and Sarek. There had been no reason for her to believe anything different— except her heart seemed to want to believe otherwise. They had been friends, no, maybe not even friends. Maybe that had been imagined as well. They had been acquaintances, no more. So she had no reason to expect a goodbye, or a hello for that matter.
As Louisa and Nebela receded into the distance, she took the opportunity to peer into the large reception hall, straining to see the other subject of the conversation. But nothing, causing her to start a retreat back into the shadows with a sigh of relief. Maybe he wasn't actually at this event? There was always hope…
She jumped as a hand touched her shoulder, holding her breath and clenching her teeth, she turned around.
"Louisa said you were around here somewhere. I've been looking for you!"
Amanda relaxed seeing the welcomed face of an old friend.
"Charles Martine! You scared the life out of me, Charles!" she laughed in relief, batting him playfully on his arm, then giving a quick hug.
"My have you grown!" He teased, " Haven't seen you since…."
"Two summers ago," she quickly chimed in.
"Has it been that long? Where have you been hiding yourself?"
"School mostly. The accelerated courses are hell, but I'll have my degree in May. Then it's off to my Masters, I suppose, starting the cycle all over again. And you?"
At one time she had had a crush on Charles. Tall and blonde, with eyes an unexpected deep brown, he seemed a teenage girl's dream- until she found out he was gay. At some point they became the best of friends during one adolescent summer when his mother was working with her grandmother on a project. Later the friendship would turn into a convenient one, keeping unwanted or unqualified suitors for one another at bay. She seemed to be in luck tonight meeting with this particular old friend.
"My mother was posted to the Morester Colonies and I tagged along. Always wanted to go there and seemed like a good excuse."
"Did you enjoy it? I've never been off world, unless you count the inevitable a class trips to the moon. The idea of off world both tempts and terrifies me," She looped her arm around his as they started to walk the edge of the garden.
"You are always worrying about stepping on toes, unsure of their rules, that's for sure," Charles was a very animated speaker, and brought her spirits up to hear his description, "And everyone has their own set of them- what's obnoxious to you may seem the height of propriety to a Moresteri, and vice verse. But I wouldn't give up the chance to see what's out there waiting for us."
Amanda allowed her free hand to brush a near-by flower. Succulent and cool, it curled up to escape the warm of her hand. She let the petal fall from her hand where it promptly resumed its full display. Alien forms of life best flourished in their native environment. Cool needed cool and warm, well, needed warm.
She looked up Charles, "So you plan to head out again?"
"Actually, I'm thinking of going into the service myself. Mom seems to think I have a knack for it," He stopped to look at her for a long moment, "You have no desire to see what's out there? I would think that you of all people, Little Miss Curiosity, would be on the first outbound ship you were offered. "
"I'm conflicted, I suppose. I'd love to see and experience what's out there, but maybe because both my parents had no inclination to stay earthbound, I'm driven to do the exact opposite." Or maybe I'm just scared to think about it…
"Have you heard from either of them?"
"A vid from my mother for the holidays. We haven't had a word from my father since he went into deep space five years ago. Not that he was ever one to stay in touch to begin with."
"Does that ever bother you?"
"Can't be bothered by something that was never there, can I? I have Louisa and the two of us get along fine. How's your mother doing?"
"She likes being in the thick of things- you know her. Morester was a bit off the beaten path, but it was her first official posting, and she was happy for it. She wants to go for bigger guns when they become available."
"Knowing her, she'll be wanting the Federation Presidency before long! And you? So you'll be sticking with the family business?"
"The Assistant Secretary has offered me a position in the State Department. It's an assistant to the assistant, but it's a start."
"As long as it makes you happy."
Before she realized it they were out of the garden and now at the edge of the main function room. She stopped in her tracks, nervously scanning the room in front of her.
"Are you looking for someone?"
"I think I may be trying to avoid someone."
Charles took her by the arm and spun her around to face him, "Why don't we get out of here then, someplace where we can have a nice long conversation and catch up on things."
"My grandmother…"
"Meet me outside. I'll find Louisa and let her know."
That's one of the things she liked most about Charles. He never asked any questions, he just went with the flow. She was sure it would serve him well in the service where it could be important to hear everything and say nothing, until the time was ripe.
Amanda nodded, visually marking out her path through the crowd, carefully making sure of a clear access to her destination. She reached the imposing staircase and bounded up the stairs as quickly as the full skirt would allow, looking back over the room below as she reached the top.
If I lost a shoe, would Sarek try to find me with it? It was a silly thought, but one that made her scan the crowd below for an answer.
It was one time too many as her eyes caught his. Even in the distance, she imagined a question, one she didn't want to answer. And then she was outside in the cold night air. Winter had come, and into her heart as well.
oooo0000oooo
The dimly lit diner made her think of younger times. At least they seemed "younger times", though in fact only a few years had passed. Amanda had begun to feel so much older in the last few months, it could have been a decade or so ago rather than two years since she sat in one of these booths across from Charles, making plans for the directions each of them wanted their lives to take.
"A penny for those thoughts?"
Amanda laughed, "I was just thinking if that awful cotillion of Ares Spaulding's. It seems so long ago now."
"You mean the one we both ended up being abandoned by our respective dates? And the two of us sought refuge in another one of these damn Dee-Vine Diners, didn't we?"
She laughed. The Dee-Vine Diners were a well-known chain, with what seemed a countless number of franchises throughout the East Coast Metroplex. They were open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and largely inhabited by one of two extremes: the newly infatuated or the heartbroken. They got you both coming and going.
"Some things never change, do they?" Charles took her hand and looked directly at her," So tell me about this mystery heartbreak."
She glanced away for a moment to compose her thoughts then turned back to him.
"I don't know if heartbreak is the word for it…"
"Some tall, blonde athletic type?"
"He is tall."
"Yes."
"But dark…"
"TDD! Should have known it! Tall, dark, dangerous. Poster boy for heartbreak."
She laughed, and it felt so good to do so. When they were younger, there was a game they would play, trying to guess what people looked like by their names. The two most common being TDD and BBD, blonde, beautiful and dumb.
Giving herself time to catch her breath, Amanda thought about it for a moment or two, "I think that might be considered a fair assessment."
"And he dumped such a brilliant, lovely, charming young woman?"
"There really was never anything to dump, Charles. It was a pretty one-sided fantasy, I imagine."
"Ah, unrequited-"
She smacked his shoulder, feeling her eyes welling up.
"I'm sorry, Manda. That bad?"
She shook her head, but it was hard to deny the tears, "Just make me laugh, sweet Charlie, let me forget everything else, including him. You were always to good at making me laugh. Let's pretend we are still sixteen and sneaking away from that god-awful cotillion…
oooo0000oooo
"Amanda, you really should take his call."
"No."
"I'm not sure what's going on in either of your heads at this point, but isn't it better to just hear one another out and get it over with."
She hoped that the withering look that she gave Louisa was enough. And it seemed to be as Louisa turned and throwing up her hands left the room.
As the door closed behind her, only then did Amanda allow a tear to fall.
oooo0000oooo
Louisa had bought the woodland lodge right before Amanda was born. Nestled within the mountains on the western borders of the East Coast Metroplex, it was been purchased as a potential retirement retreat, ten precious acres of dedicated forest land, surrounding an impressive log home. Though at times it seemed Louisa was more often in the city than there to appreciate it, to Amanda it would always be home, with it's vast wrap around porch and the great border of forested trees beyond the expansive lawn in front and a landscaped garden in the back.
Though winter still technically had a week to go, March was proving to be warmer than average this year, and Amanda was spending the weekend helping her grandmother clear the flower beds of winter's debris, giving room for the daffodils and tulips that would soon join the clumps of crocuses that had already made their way to the surface. It always made her feel good, this renewal of life every year and having a hand in it. She knelt on the damp earth and let it soak into the knees of her jeans. She allowed one dirt-laced hand to brush away a stray curl from her face, leaving a streak of mud across her cheek. After an hour working in the beds, she must look a sight right now, but what did she care? No one but the birds and Louisa's old cat, Miti, to take notice. And the latter was more interested in chasing the former right now than in Amanda.
"Are you almost done back there?'
"Yes, Gram. All cleared out and ready to go."
"If I look anything like you do, I think we both could use a good shower about now".
"You can't look worse than me. I've dirt under my nails, and on my hands, and on my clothes…"
"And across your face."
Amanda laughed, brushing her hands across her jeans, then across her face again. She supposed that she had only made it worse.
"It's so good to hear you laugh again, Honey," Louisa brought herself up close to her granddaughter, lifting the stray curl from the young woman's face.
She was about to answer when a low hum filled the air, moving closer on the access road.
"Just what we need a visitor. You finish up here and I'll get them on their way."
"Yes, m'am."
Amanda bent over and started to collect the gardening tools into a small bucket, humming to herself. It was time to get back to normal and go back to living her life.
"Good Lord, your embassy lets you ride that thing?"
She wondered who her grandmother was chastising. Try as she might, Amanda could not make out the answer, the voice was too soft-spoken.
"So, they don't let you ride that thing. And without any type of security at all, I'm sure that someone is going to be displeased."
Curiosity getting the better of her, and she made her way to the front of the house. Rounding the corner, she could see the back end of a speeder bike. When she turned the corner, she felt the bucket of tools drop from her hands, the tools echoing as they fell on the drive.
The subject of Louisa's admonitions did not need to turn around to make her want to flee, but now, having seen him, she was frozen in place.
"Ms. Grayson," he nodded in her direction. They were back to formalities now. It seemed appropriate to Amanda.
"Ambassador," she nodded in return," If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned up."
"Indeed, had you taken my calls, perhaps you would have," His eyes, like his voice, was veiled," Or perhaps you would not."
Touché, she thought to herself.
"I think I should leave the two of you to hash out your differences without me," Louisa made a marked retreat toward the house, "Once the battle is concluded, should you wish to join us for dinner, Sarek, you are quite welcome. At least on my part, that is."
Amanda stood looking toward the great oak tree in the front yard, calling on it to help her maintain her composure, at least until she heard the door close at her grandmother's retreat.
"You wanted to speak to me?"
"Perhaps it is more curiosity as to why you did not wish to speak to me that brings me here."
"I was not aware that you had any particular reason to want to speak me. What am I to you but a passing amusement?"
"Amanda, this is not so," he took a breath, "I had looked upon you as a…friend."
"I know that this may come as a shock to you, but 'friends' consider one another's feelings, something you have no experience with. "
"I… regret… if I have caused you any discomfort. It was not my intention."
"No, it's just one day we were having this great discussion with you over lunch on the merits of open versus closed societies, and the next day I read in the news feed that you are gone. No goodbye, no nothing."
"I see."
"No, no you don't see. That's the problem, isn't? I thought of you, I thought of you as someone who had become a good friend. Someone I felt a real connection with, someone I cared about. But I forgot about all that no emotion bullshit. And maybe that's it, expecting you to care- to feel something for me as well. Maybe that was my overestimating your ability to do so."
"Amanda—"
"You don't think you've done anything wrong, do you? And that, my dear Sarek, is part of the problem, isn't it?"
She didn't wait for his answer, "I can't do this again. It hurts too much when I have to realize that I'm just projecting things on you. I need to know that if I invest in a relationship that you really do care."
She bent down and picked up a stray leaf, long dead and brittle, a souvenir from the prior year. Twirling it in her hand.
"I don't know if I can ever expect you to understand my feelings. I suppose that you think that I am just a silly Terran girl, ranting like this. And I suppose that you are right. But this is me, Amanda Grayson, and this is how I am. So maybe you had just better go."
She took a deep breath, having let it all out, she now felt drained. Drained of passion, drained of anger, she had let him have it all and now he was going to walk away and she would never see him again.
"You are finished?" He looked down at her with raised brows, head tilted ever so slightly as he waited on her reply.
"Yes."
"I would have you know that leaving was not my choice, nor was I given any notice," He looked away from her into the distance, deep in thought, "Would you know why they had me recalled?'
She looked at him. Did she want to know? Did he want to tell her?
"Because it was felt that I was becoming too familiar with a certain Terran. My family decided it would be for my best interests to return home. And my government agreed with them. My family is not one to be reckoned with."
"So Louisa has tried to tell me."
He raised his brows in response.
"She has always told me that you come from a very important family."
"Indeed," He took a deep breath and looked down at her, "Amanda, I value your friendship and would not have it any other way. But just as you ask for acceptance for how you 'are', so I ask the same for me. I would that neither of us change for the other."
"I guess I just don't understand the politics of this all. Your family wants to dictate who you can associate with, and that does not include allowing you to have any kind of association with one little, insignificant, Terran girl. So you are here?"
"My government's needs it would appear overrule my family's dictates at this time. They need me to return and complete this mission."
"But …"
"I would make my own decisions whom I wish to be friends with," He stiffened, " And I would that we be friends, Amanda. Your insights are valuable, your opinions are always worth considering. It is good to have one that can assist me in my understanding of those that I am negotiating with on a deeper basis. It is of value to both me and my government."
She certainly would liked to have had a more personal reason for his offered friendship. It sounded more like a business venture. But somewhere a tiny spark flickered, a feeling that this was all a smoke screen. Maybe he needed to logically justify their continued friendship? Maybe there was something that she could hold onto behind all of this rationalizing.
"Amanda?"
"This is all?"
He took a deep breath, "No, that is the reason that I would give others for our continued friendship. I would have you know that I regret any discomfort that I have caused you. I value you and would be honored to be allowed to resume that friendship. "
Amanda closed her eyes. Maybe she was a glutton for punishment. It seemed at this point that there were no words he could say that could satisfy her, but if he took her hand, if he allowed that intrusion on his physical boundaries, she would allow the intrusion on her emotional one.
She offered the hand, "Friends, then?"
He took her hand, if only for a brief few moments. She smiled.
"Friends."
"Are you up for dinner?"
"As long as I might be able to clean my hands?"
She looked down at her own hands, still covered with dirt from the morning's gardening some of which had evidently had migrated onto Sarek's hand, now streaked with the same dirt.
"I guess I have baptized you with the good old Earth," she smiled, looking up at him.
And maybe, she thought to herself, he was destined to carry a bit of Earth with him always now, no matter how far he went or how long it had been.
oooo0000oooo
There was once a great and powerful warrior, Seashreal, a Vulcan of mythic proportions, to whom the gods had given great gifts of courage, fortitude, and invincibility in battle. Over the course of many years he triumphed in battles both of physical and mental challenges, and not one of his adversaries had a glimmer of a chance to defeat him. But of course, no one can be without at least one weak point, and like the Terran Achilles, Seashreal, had his, a small spot just above his naval. And then one day, as those days will always come, a young woman, more in jest than in battle found the chink in his armor, and his fate was evermore in her hands….
…For some reason, the old children's tale of Seashreal, now told more as a warning against emotional involvement than physical weakness, pushed it's way into Sarek's consciousness. For a brief time he felt a gnawing, a premonition that he had opened a door that was best left closed. In regards to his actions of the day, in analyzing them, he could find no fault, no error in logic, and yet...