Orochimaru's cooking class
"WELCOME TO...'HOW TO MAKE FLAN' 101!"
Kakashi, and Erza had no idea how they ended up in this situation. When they woke up early that morning, they found themselves standing in front of individual kitchen-top counters with their feet chained to the floor. None of them recalled ever moving from their beds last night, but somehow this had happened. Even worse, standing before them atop of a brightly-lit stage with his own cooking set, was Orochimaru in an apron and chef's hat. Kakashi, and Erza were terribly frightened.
"Now, before we begin," Orochimaru stated, "Does anyone have any questions?"
Kakashi raised his hand.
"Yes, Kakashi-kun?"
"What's going on here, Orochimaru? Why are we doing this?"
The snake-summoner was silent for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, he slammed his palm as hard as he could onto the table. "Did you just ask me why we're doing this?" his voice was shaking.
"Uh..."
"That is what you asked me, correct? WHY'RE WE DOING THIS?"
"Y-Yes! I did!"
Orochimaru snapped his fingers, and a small panel in the ceiling opened to reveal a sniper rifle, and Kakashi was shot directly in his left leg.
"OH, HOLY MOTHER OF SHARINGAN!"
"Anymore questions?"
"OHH..OH...OH SHIT...OH CRAP! IT HURTS LIKE FRICKING HELL! YOU...YOU JUST HAD ME SHOT IN THE LEG, DIDN'T YOU, YOU GODDAMN LITTLE FUCKER?"
"No? Alright, then! Everyone, get out your ingredients from underneath the counter and we'll get started!"
"I'M CRYING! I'M CRYING! I'M CRYING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BABY! SHIT! FUCK!"
"First, you set up your oven to the necessary temperature, and then you add a bit of this and a bit of that...and then you mix it together until its become one, and add a few sprinkles of this here..."
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN GIVING REAL INSTRUCTIONS! YOU'RE JUST TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP THE ACTUAL RECIPE FOR FLAN BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WRONG BY ACCIDENT! FUCK, THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD POURING OUT OF MY LEG! ARGGGGGGGH!"
"Oh dear, with all this yelling, I can't teach the class at all."
"THAT'S RIGHT YOU CAN'T! GAAAAAAAAH! MY LEG IS ON FIRE, JUST LIKE MY SOUL!"
"Lenny...Carl...will you two take care of him for me? I'm starting to get a headache because he won't be quiet."
"LENNY? CARL? THE FUCK KIND OF NAMES ARE THOSE? THEY'RE FROM THE SIMPSONS, RIGHT? WAIT A MINUTE, WHY ARE THOSE TWO BIG HAIRY GUYS WEARING ONLY TROUSERS COMING TOWARDS ME? OH GOD...OH GOD! THEY'RE LENNY AND CARL, AREN'T THEY? AREN'T THEY? FUUUUUUUU-"
"Everyone, it's time to have the Flan bake...or cook...or whatever. I don't really care."
"SEE? YOU JUST ADMITTED YOU DON'T CARE! AND...AND...HOLY SHIT, WHY IS LENNY STANDING BEHIND ME, AND WHY DO I FEEL SOMETHING HARD AND LONG GOING INSIDE MY ANUS?"
Erza raised her hand.
Orochimaru pointed at her with his middle finger. "Yes, Erza?"
"Can I...can I go home? Please? I don't like Flan and seeing the boy I like being raped by two men is both turning me on and making me queasy."
"Of course you may leave. Feel better soon."
"WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK?" Kakashi screeched, "SHE CAN GO HOME JUST BY ASKING AND YET I GET SHOT AND RAPED BY SOME WOOKIE-MAN? GODDAMN YOU ALL TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL!"
And thus, Orochimaru's first class was a success.
END