Levy's Little Problem:
A couple of weeks after the founding of Natsu and Naruto's club, lots of other people joined.
Hanabi became a part of it to get away from all the training, Sakura eventually blackmailed Naruto into making her a member, Levy lost a bet and also joined.
Two weeks later, Levy was elected club president. Erza was brought along by Levy and the two female wizards became closer and friendlier every day. Hanabi started respecting Levy more than her own sister.
Hinata didn't like the new president.
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Hinata paused in order to catch her breath. She'd been running for five minutes in her way to the clubroom. The reason behind this was because Levy had somehow slipped a note into her jackets' pocket during a mission at some point today.
"Meet me in the clubroom at 4:00. Don't tell anyone else," signed Levy.
As if to make things weirder, when she went to the clubroom earlier, she'd found a note taper to the door. It stated that all club activities were cancelled today, and that everyone was free to go home. Except for Hinata, of course. She'd read the paper on the door, thanked her personal gods for blessing her with a free day, and started to leave. She barely got out of the gate when she found the tiny note in her pocket. Now here she was racing through halls and up the stairs to see what the club president wanted.
Crap! thought Hinata. It's 4:06! Levy's probably pissed right now. Lucky me.
The moment Hinata entered the door, she knew what would happen: Levy would get mad at her for being late, then she'd rant and rave about how her never following orders, and then she'd give her the death penalty. Oh, joy.
So after taking a deep breath and gathering her wits, Hinata approached the clubroom door, grabbed the knob, and entered the dragon's lair. Instead of a barrage of angry demands like she expected, Hinata was greeted with silence. She soon saw why.
Levy was at the back of the room, pacing back and forth, with worried looked on her face. Hands folded behind her back, she continued her pacing, eyes narrowed in deep thought. It seemed as though she hadn't even heard her come in. After walking for about a minute, Levy sensed she wasn't alone in the room. She glanced up at Hinata as if noticing her for the first time. Then Levy's face slowly formed an expression. It wasn't anger. It was... relief?
"Oh, thank god! You're here, Hinata!" cried Levy. Then she ran up to Hinata and embraced her. "You have no idea how much I needed to see you!" she said into her chest.
Hinata was struck dumb. Levy was glad to see her? What, no yelling? No lecture? Something was up.
"Uh... Levy?" Hinata said, causing her to look up at her. "I'm late."
"Yeah...?" Levy said quizzically.
"So shouldn't you be giving me the death penalty or something?" asked Hinata.
Levy glared at her, and for a second, she looked like the Levy she was used to. But she didn't expect the following words to come out of her mouth...
"Death penalty? Forget that! Hinata, there is a much more pressing manner at hand!"
Either Levy McGarden had been replaced with an alien duplicate or there was something very wrong around here. Hinata watched as Levy moved past her and towards the door. Then she locked it. Hinata felt very uncomfortable for some reason.
"Why did you ask me to come here, Levy? And what's with all the secrecy?" Hinata asked after finding the nerve to speak.
Levy turned to Hinata and sighed. Then she looked at her with a expression that would usually be found on Wendy's face. Hinata's heart melted and her brain started yelling, Ohgodohgodohgodohgod...
Levy walked up to Hinata, with her hands tightly clasped together, and said, "Because Hinata... I need you."
Hinata's brain exploded."Wha-What?"
"Hinata, I have this problem. I had it for a long, long time. It started out small, but now it's gotten out of hand. You're the only one I've talked to about it. Nobody else knows. Not my parents, not any of the other members of the club, not anybody. You're the only I can turn to. Will you help me?" pleaded Levy.
Hinata felt relieved. For a moment there, it seemed like Levy was going to confess to her (not that she would have minded, though of course, she would have rejected her immediately). Nerves relaxed, she faced her club president with an expression of pure chivalry.
"Of course, Levy. I will help you," Hinata said gallantly. "Now what kind of problem do you have?"
Levy coughed to the side and said in a voice that should be considered a whisper, "I need your help to conquer a... fetish I have."
"A fetish?" said a perplexed Hinata. She hadn't been expecting that. Then again, Levy wasn't the most normal person he'd ever met.
"Yes, Hinata. A fetish. It's something so sick and vile that I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Because if I do, the only thing I'll see staring back at me is a monster," Levy said dramatically, raising a hand to her forehead in the process.
"So, what's your fetish, Levy?" asked Hinata. "Is it something gross? Because if you get your jollies from rolling around in piss or vomit, then..."
"It's nothing like THAT!"
"Then what is it?"
"It's nothing disgusting like what you said. It's just... really weird."
"Then just say it. Then I'll help you."
Levy looked straight at her shoes for a few seconds. Then she lifted her head to Hinata and took a deep breath. And then Levy McGarden belted out her secret to Hinata.
"I LIKE DELICIOUSLY FLAT CHESTS!"
One hell of an awkward silence followed.
"That's your big secret?" Hinata said, an amused smile creeping up on her features.
"Don't make light of this, Hinata! It's a problem I've had for my entire life! I didn't know about it until I came to the guild. Whenever I looked at the other girls in the guild hall, I was filled with a sense of loathing. That's when I realized that I was only truly happy in my neighborhood as a child! So many young girls in the awaiting stages of womanhood... I knew how weird people would find it if showed interest in my passion so I tried going out with several boys to curb my feelings. It didn't work out..." Levy admitted.
"Then why do you show such an interest in Miss Scarlet?" Hinata questioned, wondering why Levy showed such glee in molesting the well-endowed girl.
Levy looked at her as if she had just told her to clean a pool with her tongue. "I have no interest in Erza at all! I only brought her to attract attention for the club as eye-candy. And I only mess around with her to keep up appearances! But every time I touch her boobs, I'm filled with disgust. They're so... big and round! Not flat at all! Every time I come home, I wash and scrub my hands just to get the feeling off my skin! You think I'm into big breasts, Hinata? You couldn't be farther from the truth! Nasty! Gross! Repulsive things! ... But Sakura on the other hand..."
A dreamy expression appeared on Levy's's face. Drool began to spill out of the corner of her mouth. Hinata facepalmed in annoyance.
"Levy?"
"...Huh? What?"
"You're drooling."
"Oh! Whoops. That happens sometimes. I was just picturing Sakura in a swimsuit..."
As Levy wiped the fluid off her face, Hinata threw out another question. "But why is this such a problem? I mean it's a little weird, but it doesn't seem all that serious, Levy. And why does this concern me?"
Levy gave a guilty look at Hinata and said, "The thing is, Hinata, is that my problem is two-fold. The first part is my addiction to flat chests."
"Uh-huh. What's the second part?"
"The second part is that I'm in love."
"Y-You're in love?"
"I know! I can't believe it either! It's a mental illness and I'm sick with it!"
"Okay, okay! Calm down! Just who are you in love with?"
"I have fallen head over heels in love with someone I know. The recipient of my affection has the most prepubescent chest I've ever seen! This person makes my heart light up whenever I see her. Every time I see this person, I want to run over and squeeze her! But she has no idea of my feelings! Our romance would be considered forbidden by today's standards! And what's more, she's part of the Club! I don't know what to do!"
Someone she knows with a flat chest... Does she mean... Hinata's eyes widened. Sakura?!
Swallowing her surprise and gave Levy her best understanding face. "Relax, Levy. Just tell me who you have a crush on, and then I'll help you."
"This isn't a crush, Hinata!" Levy yelled with a red face. "This is true love! This person and I are destined to be with one another, but I have to refuse the call of fate!"
"Okay, okay, okay. Now... who are you in love with?"
"Promise you won't freak out, Hinata?"
"I promise, Levy. I wouldn't freak out over you being in love with Sakura."
"...Come again?"
"You meant Sakura, right? You said it was someone with a flat chest you knew, who was part of the club. It's Sakura, isn't it?"
"Err... no, Hinata. It's not Sakura."
"Then... who is it?"
"It's your sister."
Cities rose and fell. The two chunins at the gate got a promotion. A new Ice Age passed. Mario and Bowser fought through forty new games. Three more movies for Twilight came out. Matt Groening ran out of ideas for the Simpsons. The Jonas Brothers did remakes of all the Disney songs. That's how long it seemed to Levy before Hinata stopped staring at her, and she found the ability to speak once again.
"Levy..." Hinata said slowly.
"Yeah, Hinata?" said Levy, unnerved at the fact that that Hinata hadn't spoken for five minutes.
"Are you actually in love with my sister?" the girl asked quietly.
Levy tried to scan Hinata's face for any signs of a facial expression, but found none. "Yes, Hinata. I have romantic feelings for Hanabi. I've had them ever since I met her. It seemed weird at first, but then my feelings felt natural over time. The really strange part is that I've had these for her, and we've only met like three or four times! That's pretty funny, huh?"
"Yes, Levy," Hinata said emotionlessly, "That's a riot. Can I just ask you something?"
Levy exhaled some relief that Hinata seemed to be taking this rather well. "Sure! What is it?"
In a time-frame of two seconds, Hinata was in Levy's face, eyes drilling into hers, teeth bared, with his right hand gripping the orange ribbons on her hair. She didn't seem too pleased.
"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SICKO?!" Hinata roared into her face. For the first time in her life, Levy was afraid for her own safety.
"I'M SORRY, HINATA! I'M SORRY! PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Levy babbled.
"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY SISTER! MY TWELVE-YEAR OLD SISTER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DEPRAVED THAT SOUNDS, YOU FUCKING LOLICON!"
"I KNOW, HINATA! I KNOW! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW THIS LOOKS! IF I KNEW SOMEBODY WHO WAS LUSTING AFTER A YOUNGER SIBLING OF MINE, I'D GO NUTS TOO!"
"...YOU MEAN YOU'VE HAD IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT HANABI! MY ANGELIC SISTER! THE SISTER WHO I'VE LOOKED OUT FOR SINCE SHE COULD WALK?! IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?!"
"PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION, HINATA! I DON'T WANT THESE FEELINGS! THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU HERE! I NEED YOU TO HELP ME OVERCOME MY ADDICTION TO YOUR SISTER'S LOLINESS! IF I DON'T CONQUER MY ATTRACTION TO HER, THEN MY PENT-UP FEELINGS MAY START TO SURFACE IN BIZARRE WAYS!"
"...ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT YOU MAY CONSIDER SEXUALLY-ASSAULTING HANABI IN THE FUTURE?!"
"THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING I WANT TO AVOID!"
Suddenly, Hinata released her grip on Levy's ribbons, and she plummeted to the floor on her butt. She remained there for a few seconds, just staring up at Hinata, who towered above her. She looked like an angry deity of some sort. After giving her a look that would melt a cement vest, Hinata sighed and placed a hand to her forehead.
"Levy..." Hinata said softly.
Levy gulped. "Y-Yeah?"
"I think I have the answer to your problem," Hinata said emotionlessly.
"You do? Oh, thank you, Hinata! You don't know how much this means to me! " smiled Levy, getting up to embrace Hinata. However, Hinata held out a hand to stop her.
"Huh?"
"The solution is this: I don't want you anywhere near my sister. I'm breaking off all your ties with her."
"WHAAAT?! You mean I can never see her again? That's totally unfair, Hinata!"
"Levy, my sister looks up to you. I want her to remain thinking of you as a big sister, and not as a girlfriend. So until you can control these unholy urges of yours, I don't want you within twenty feet of her. Understand? Good."
With that, Hinata made her way to the door. She was stopped when Levy grabbed her left ankle.
"What?"
"You can't separate us, Hinata! I will fight this! You can't stand in the way of true love!"
That's when Hinata leaned down to face Levy. "Levy?"
"Yeah...?" asked the bookworm, who felt like an ant facing a weed-whacker.
"Do you know what I'm going to do to you if I catch you doing anything to Hanabi?"
"No. What would you do?"
"Picture the worst thing in the world happening to you."
Levy did so.
"Good. Now picture it while being set on fire, lowered into a shark tank, having arrows launched at you, and holding a bomb in your mouth."
Levy gasped. "You would do that to me?"
Hinata glowered at her. "No. I'd do something worse. Goodbye, Levy."
Hinata then removed Levy's fingers from her ankle, placed two of her fingers into her ears, closed her eyes, and walked out the door while humming the theme song from the first season of Pokémon to drown out her protests.
Unfortunately, one of the things Levy yelled at her was, "Hinata! The stairs!"
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
CRASH!
After limping all the way home, Hinata went through her regular routine: She played with her sister (she gave her an extra big hug), she watched T.V., she had a snack, she watched an episode of K-ON that he Tivo-ed, did some homework, ate dinner, took a shower, and went to bed. All was well...
At least until midnight.
Tap tap tap.
"Huh?" mumbled Hinata rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
Tap tap tap.
The noise seemed to be coming from her window. Stumbling out of bed, Hinata looked outside and frowned. Standing in the middle of the street, pebbles in hand, and clad in a sweater, was Levy.
"Hey, Hinata!" Levy half-shouted, half-whispered to her. "What are you doing?"
"I WAS sleeping until you came along," Hinata half-whined, half-snarled at her. "What the hell do you want?!"
"I came here to talk!"
"It's 12 o'clock!"
"It's a very serious manner!"
"Levy, leave my house. We'll talk tomorrow. Now, go home before I call the cops!"
Levy put on a pouting face and began to walk away. Hinata sighed with relief and shut the window. Now she could sleep in peace. Getting back into bed, Hinata settled down and let sleep overtake her. She slept well... before something poked her in the shoulder.
"Mmmmphf?"
"Hinata? Are you awake?"
No. Fucking. Way, thought Hinata. She shot up in bed to find a pair of eyes staring at her in the darkness.
"Hey, Hinata," waved Levy.
Hinata fought the urge to disembowel her with a gardening implement and leaped out of bed. She flicked on her desk lamp.
"Levy!" Hinata hissed in a low voice. "How the hell did you get into my house?!"
Levy looked at her shoes and said in a guilty voice, "Your window was open."
"I closed my window!"
"...But the window in your sister's room was open a bit..."
Hinata woke up instantly and rushed to Hanabi's bedroom. Levy trailed after her. Once there, the heiress threw open the door (it was okay, since Hanabi could sleep through an earthquake) and ran over to her sister's bed. There she was, nuzzled under the blanket like an angel. Hinata let out a sigh of relief and faced Levy.
"What?" Levy asked innocently.
"Did you do anything to my sister?" Hinata said bluntly.
Levi's face was one of horror. "Hinata! I can't believe you'd suggest I'd do something so creepy! The nerve!"
"Levy, you'd better give me an answer right now. You may have power over me at the club, but this is my house. You broke in. By law, I can do a number of things to you and not go to prison," Hinata warned.
Levy's face blanched. "Okay, okay! I noticed that half of her blanket was kicked off, and that she was shivering. So I tucked her in."
"What else?" Hinata asked, knowing that something else had happened.
"Ummmmmmmmmm..." Levy stared at the floor.
"Levy..." Hinata tried again.
"I kissed her," Levy said flatly.
"YOU WHAT?!" Hinata roared, nearly waking up the whole house. Levy threw her hands in order to shield herself. Hanabi still slept.
"Not on the mouth! It was a good-night kiss! I did it on the cheek! IT WAS CHASTE!" Levy explained hastily in order to pacify Hinata. It seemed to calm her down somewhat. Hinata leaned against her sister's wall and slid down. She placed her hands over her face and started to mutter several things under her breath. Levy couldn't hear, but it sounded like Hinata was saying, 'I can't believe I actually said I enjoyed all the random crap that happens to me...'. Then she exhaled sharply and looked at Levy. She visibly flinched, but held her ground.
"Please, Hinata! I really need your help to get over this! I've spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed. I can't concentrate during missions and I'm always tired! Only you can help me with this! I don't want the others to know about my secret shame! Help me! As your club president I order you to help me! So... please?"
Hinata noticed that Levy actually sounded genuine. She had looked a little ragged in the past couple of weeks. Maybe this was serious...
"Okay, Levy. You're my friend and friends help out each other in trouble. I'll help you get over your obsession with my sister."
"You will? Oh, thank you, Hinata! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!"
Hinata got off the floor and said, "First things first. Do you happen to have anything at your house that reminds you of Hanabi?"
At this question, Levy grinned sheepishly. "Well, now that you mention it..."
Hinata gaped. She was standing in the middle of Levi'sLevi'sLevi's room at 1 o'clock in the morning, and staring at the creepiest thing imaginable. Levy had brought her here after their chat in her house, demanding that they start working on her problem right away. Levy went over to a desk in the room's corner, and opened up a drawer on the bottom with a padlock.
The drawer had been stuffed to the brim with Hanabi memorabilia. Nearly everything that laid in front of Hinata had to do with her little sister. There was a Hanabi-shaped plushy, a poem dedicated to her, several drawings of her (in crayon, ink, pencil, AND watercolor), a Hanabi image song (WTF?!), her left sock that she'd lost a week ago, and her hairbrush. There was even a half-finished fanfic that described all the various things Levy wished to do to the twelve-year old girl involving: whipped cream, a feather-duster, chocolate sauce, scented candles, strawberries, a watermelon, a chinchilla, a golf club, and half a quart of orange sherbet.
"Is this... all of it?" asked Hinata, who was trying not to scream.
"Yup," Levy said with a hint of sadness, "This is it."
Then her eyes lit up suddenly. "Oh, wait a second! There's more!"
"More...?" dreaded Hinata.
She watched as Levy dashed over to her bookshelf and reached up to the third shelf. The Mage snatched a book from it that seemed to be a diary with hearts and flowers on it. She undid the lock on the front and flipped to the middle of the book. Hinata watched as Levy pulled out the middle center the pages on the book's right-hand side. She'd obviously carved out a secret compartment to store something in the space. But what? Hinata soon had her answer.
"Photographs?" murmured a befuddled Hinata.
"Indeed," replied a wistful Levy.
Levy withdrew at least eight pictures from the diaries secret compartment. Everyone of them had a picture of Hanabi on it. Hinata took the pictures and started flipping through them. Hanabi in the park with Moegi, Hanabi coming out of school, Hanabi playing, Hanabi running at the beach, and...
"Levy?"
"Yeah?"
"Is this my sister at my second cousin's pool?"
"Yeah..."
"From that time my family went to visit them on vacation?"
"Yeah..."
"...DID YOU FUCKING FOLLOW US?!"
"YES, YES! I DID! I'M THAT CREEPY!"
Groaning, Hinata placed the photos on top of everything and faced Levy. "Levy, I want you to go into the kitchen and get me a trash bag."
"What for?" asked a confused Levy.
"I'm going to throw everything, except my sister's sock and hairbrush, in it and then we're going to burn it," Hinata said without any remorse.
"Burn it!?" exclaimed Levy. "So soon!?"
"Levy, as long as you keep this stuff around, its power over you won't go away. We need to get rid of it, in order to cleanse your body. If we just threw it out, you'd just go through the garbage to get it back. Understand?" Hinata explained as gentle as she could.
"O-O-Okay..." sniffled Levy, "Sorry about snapping like that. I was weak."
Soon, Hinata and Levy had everything in the bag. The sun was beginning to peek out from the horizon.
Turning to Hinata, Levy said, "How am I going to go cold turkey for your sister? I still have to overcome my flat chest addiction! What about that Hinata?"
Hinata felt like a traitor, but she knew what had to be done to protect her sister from a pedophilic wizard. "Have you considered dressing up Sakura? Her body structure might be just be just the thing to curb your stress."
Levy's face broke out in a grin. "That's it, Hinata! You're a genius! I already have the perfect thing in mind! How does a gothic-lolita outfit sound?"
"That sounds... great."
"Oh, and, Hinata?"
"Yeah?"
"If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you."
"That's the Levy I know."
There was silence. Then Hinata spoke up again.
"Hey, Levy?"
"Yeah, Hinata?"
"You don't have... anything else of my sister in here do you?"
A pause.
"Levy?"
"Check under my pillow..."
Hinata did so. And she found something that Hanabi had lost months ago.
"Levy... is this Hanabi's... training bra?!"
"...It smells like pineapples."
"..."
"...Hinata?"
"I'm going to give you until the count of five, before I strangle you with your own ribbons..."
"You don't really mean tha-"
"One."
"Hinata! As your Club president I order you to-"
"Two."
"C'mon, take it easy! I saw it poking out of the hamper when I used your bathroom that one time and the temptation was too great! I was going to return it eventua-"
"Five."
And then Levy was racing out into the street, while Hinata zoomed after her, bra in hand. Just another regular day for the club.