No copyright infringement is intended. It all belongs to Stephanie Meyers and Phish, all I own is the demented and angst ridden storyline.
Melancholia
Chapter 3
My eyelids are heavy from hours of salted tears that burned the delicate skin on my face. I stretch my body out from under the comforter. My wrists ache and my head is weighted with with questions. What time is it? What day is it? Where am I?
To most people they seem like easy questions, but for me they are not so cut and dry. The last time I felt like this I had secluded myself in my bedroom for two days, lying in a semi conscious state and scaring the shit out of my family. My mother would force me to eat and to take care of my basic needs. By the looks of my clean pajamas I am guessing she took care of me again. The bed side table is filled with a photo of my parents, a glass of water, and the familiar plastic bottle with the white label.
I swing my legs over to the side of the bed. The movement causes me to wince in pain. Angry red lines cover the surface of my thighs. With the softest touch of my hands I run them up the inflamed rows. All five fingertips fall naturally into scrapes. I pull my hands up to inspect my nails. Decently manicured nails once were now have been replaced with broken and short nails. The nail polish has been chipped off and the rounded tips let me now they have been recently filed down.
I hate this feeling. The only barrier to knowing is the closed door across the room. I stare at the gateway to the unknown, it will be easier for me to face this mess sooner than later.
Memories of a few days ago fill my head with doubt and confusion. I had imagined that one day I could have to face the reality that was Edward Cullen, it just never occured to me that it would be so random and unexpected.
Seeing him there in front of me filled me with so many feelings that I have tried to keep locked away for so long. The bad ones, the ones that broke my heart and fucked up my head, I knew I could deal with. It was the ones that brought forth the butterflies and memories of lying in each others arms that took me by surprise.
Nights that I spent wrapped in his arms. Whispering secrets and dreams of a future. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the heat of his skin and the warmth of his breath. His scent captured me and held me hostage like a drug addict impatient for the next fix.
As he loved me his eyes would lock with mine and connect me to him, not just physically but we connected together intimately, or so I thought. It wasn't until he tossed me away like I was nothing, refusing to acknowledge me for who I thought I should be that I knew that he was thief.
A thief who stole my heart without another thought and carelessly shattered it. If I had only known that months later I carried a piece of him with me that would also threaten my heart, but in such an amazing way.
The scraping of wood against wood outside my door catches my attention and pulls me from my traitorous mind. Before I can open the door I hear the strumming of a guitar, then another joins in. I cock my head and listen to the music that I recognize as the first words are sung.
1Joy is over there in her incredible clothes
She has silver silk shimmering down to her toes
I was doing the best that I can I suppose
But that little girl dancer
Eventually grows
Well she grows
You can't imagine all the times that I tried
To uncover the source of the tears that you cried
Let's throw it away and just go for a ride
And you'd say okay but you'd keep it inside
And I tried
I tried
I tried
I tried
Tears burn as they fall. I don't have to open the door to know who is on the other side. It's Emmett and Jasper, and if Jasper is here so is Alice. The realization that my very best friend is on the other side of the door makes me cry harder. It's been days since I have seen her. The withdrawals were excruciating and to know that only a few steps away is the person who knows me the best. She has seen me at my lowest point, helped me mourn my first love and losing the one thing that explained the reason for my existence.
The song continues as I lean against the door ignoring the forces that pull at me. I listen to each word sung and know that each one is a plea.
2We want you to be happy
Don't live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too
I knew that something had to change, I knew that I needed to change. Deciding in this moment that living in the fog that has overtaken my life was not good for me and most likely was not good for the three people who were on the other side of the door.
[ Lyrics from: . ]
When we were young we thought life was a game
But then somebody leaves you and your never the same
All of the places and people belong to the puzzle
But one of the pieces is gone
And it's you
It's you
It's you
Joy, it's you
We want you to be happy
Don't live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too
Anytime we'll weather this storm
Inside together you'll see the change
When the sun shines through
We want you to be happy
Don't live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too
As the last chord is played I turn the knob and carefully open the door. Deciding in this moment that I would leave the four walls that have given me temporary comfort.
The three of them stand just outside my door. Emmett and Jasper each holding onto their guitars and Alice standing next to Jasper. They stand together like a small army in anticipation of a great battle. Each on edge unsure of what war was going on inside me.
Waving the white flag of surrender I fall into her arms and allow her to comfort me. I cry.
As the sobs subside I look to my boys. The ones who have protected me, sheltered me, picked me up when I fell down. I decide right here that I can continue to give in to this shit or I can work to overcome. I wonder if they will help me and then I realize that maybe that is the reason they are here.
I have to do this. For me, for them, and most importantly for Peyton.
I looked into my best friend's eyes. Hazel swirls clouded by tears.
"I can't re- remember everything," I sobbed.
Taking my hand in her tiny one she pulled me down the stairs into the living room. I sat on the well worn couch while she picked up the photo album I needed to ease my soul.
"Peyton Elizabeth was born on January 1, our towns New Years Baby. She was perfect with tufts of reddish brown hair and green eyes. The doctors were surprised because newborns usually have blue..."
She spoke softly as she ran her hand across the photos of the most beautiful child I had ever laid my eyes on.
A/N
I want to thank StellaBlueBella, my pre-reader, for all her advice. Thanks also to my lovely beta, Ninmesarra, who has helped me so much and encouraged me to keep going.
Please visit my blog at blackswaninlustfanfiction blog spot. com (remove all the spaces)
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1 Joy by Phish
2 Joy by Phish