As always I hope you like it and I'd love to hear your thoughts, tips, ideas, or suggestions. I've never written anything before so I like seeing what y'all think. Even if you don't like it.

Btw, thanks snowdrop1026 for the reviews. I appreciate it.

Chapter 4

RPOV

She needed to get cleaned up. Right this second. She knew she shouldn't have made those cuts last night and this morning. Now she's covered in slushie and worried about an infection in her cuts if this crap got into them. She knew she shouldn't have cut herself at all she just couldn't help herself. The reaction of the glee 'family' (and she uses that term loosely) hurt. She needs it now. Sometimes she wishes that she had never started but most of the time she needs it. It's bad for her future but once she started it was so hard to stop. She remembers when she started. It was about a week after the incident.

She was alone at her house. She'd just finished up her 3rd shower of the day. She needed to be clean no matter what. As she was putting lotion on her legs she noticed her razor out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't an idiot and had heard about people who cut themselves but she didn't think she'd ever be one of them. When she was looking at that small, inconsequential item in her shower she thought 'maybe she could just see what the big deal was. It couldn't possibly hurt me any more than I am.' She didn't want to try to break apart her shaver though and she knew she had an exacto knife somewhere that she had used for a project. She tells herself it'll be just one time. Just one cut. Just to see what it's like. What the big deal is. It escalates quickly, much quicker than she thought it would. It quickly turns into 2 cuts twice a week, then to a few cuts every other day, to at least one a day. Getting either longer or deeper the more time passes.

She didn't realize the feelings she would get afterwards. It felt so, so good for awhile. Focusing on that cut which hurt enough to distract her from all of the other pain she felt. If her emotions were getting too out of control she could just push on a cut, or scratch one open, or make another one and focus on that instead of her feelings. Shortly after that this feeling would turn on her though. She'd feel ashamed at what she'd just done. At least until the next time things started to get to be too much. Then when she was started to become emotionally numb it was to make sure she was still alive. She'd see the blood and realize 'yes, I am still alive.' Though she's starting to get to the point that she's not sure she wants to be anymore. This thought both relieves and terrifies her.

She's so wrapped up in her thoughts that she doesn't notice that someone else has entered the bathroom until the door slams shut. She's never been so thankful that she can clean herself up and get changed quickly than she is right now. Especially when she sees the devil herself walk in. Santana Lopez is currently staring at her. Through her might be a better word. She suddenly feels exposed and doesn't like it. She wants to look away, to leave, but she can't seem to get herself to move. Santana slowly starts to look her up and down and Rachel has to fight the urge to squirm under her gaze. Once Santana goes to say something the spell seems to be broken for Rachel. She immediately starts to grab her things before trying to make a quick escape. She's stopped by a hand grabbing her arm.

"Are you okay? I saw Karofsky slushie you," she says.

Your hackles rise immediately. Who the fuck does she think she is asking you such a stupid question? Hasn't she slushied you before? Why the fuck did she come in and ask after this specific slushie? She's never cared before. She's probably just being nice to try and get you back in glee. Well fuck that. She wants to yell at Santana for such a stupid ass question but she knows that it's pointless. So she wipes her face clear of any emotion. Not that it's hard, she is an actress and she's been feeling pretty emotionless in general lately, but right now she is straight up angry.

"I'm fine," she answers. "It's no different than any other day here, but you know that." She thinks she sees Santana slightly flinch at this but she's not sure since she's walking as fast as possible out the door. She didn't understand why Santana, the fucking Satan of her school, was trying to talk to her now.

SASASASASASASASA

She sees them coming and knows there is no way out of this. When Kurt and Mercedes want something they go for it. Even if it is just to berate her for quitting glee. Kurt grabs her upper arm and yanks her into the nearest empty classroom. 'Is it just me or are
a lot of people grabbing my arm and forcing me into conversations today' she thinks. As soon as the door is closed and locked they lose their shit on Rachel.

"Diva I cannot believe you quit glee! How selfish can you be?! You quit every other week so you better be back by the end of this week or else I'm burning your copy of Funny Girl!" Kurt shrieks at her.

Mercedes picks right up where he left off, "And your copy of The Barbra Streisand Album! If you think you can get away with this you are so wrong! This isn't just your life you're screwing with! It's ours too. We need glee for college and you're messing with everything!" There's a flash of something in Mercedes eyes that she can't help but think should scare her but she can't bring herself to care.

"If you think we'll let you get away with this you've got another thing coming." Kurt concludes.

And with that Mercedes and Kurt storm from the room after leveling her with one last glare. She didn't even get a chance to say anything or defend herself. If she felt anything other than the overwhelming urge to cut she would have probably been impressed. Instead she grabs her bag and hastily makes her way to the nearest restroom.

Once in the bathroom she throws herself and her bag into the nearest cubicle and locks the door. Rummaging through her bag she finds her secret stash of razors. Her exacto knife is her favorite. People use them for all sorts of things so nobody questions her for having one.

She sighs when she feels the weight of the knife in her hand. Slowly she pulls her shirt up to reveal her now damaged stomach. She takes the cap off the knife and places it carefully on top of her bag. When the cool metal finally touches the skin of her stomach she breathes a sigh of relief. Just having it near is comforting. As she starts to make a cut across her skin she doesn't put a lot of pressure behind it. As she goes she pushes down harder. When the blood starts to flow she finally feels like she's breathing again.