I apologize for the wait. I won't even bore you with excuses.
I hope you like it. As always I welcome tips, suggestions, ideas. Let me know. All mistakes are my own.
Chapter 8
RPOV
She's actually excited when she wakes up in the morning. If for no other reason than that she knows today is planning to end her miserable existence. Just like with glee club she knows nobody will really care. Her fathers have lived in Chicago for at least a year. If she needs anything she just calls them and they fax whatever she needs or transfer money into her account. Shelby had already decided that she didn't want her as a child. Saying that she wanted to admire each other from afar. They can't get much farther apart than one of them being dead now can they? Her extended family had never met her because they didn't want anything to do with her fathers after they came out of the closet. So it's just her all by herself. The only person who might notice she doesn't want to be remembered by. She hopes he never comes back. If he does she hopes it's after she is gone. She cannot go through that again. Although now that she pauses to think about it Brittany might notice. She's been unusually present and persistent. She'll have to work harder to avoid the pretty blonde.
On to the planning.
She's not entirely sure how she wants to go about this. Pills maybe? Although the idea of trying to keep swallowing pill after pill seems extensive and she's sure she'll want something quicker than that.
Shoot herself then? She's sure her fathers left a gun somewhere in their closet. She remembers seeing the locked box but she doesn't know where the key is.
Hanging herself? It kind of seems poetic to her. Everyone, especially him, choked the soul out of her so she'll choke the life out of herself via hanging. It does appeal to what is left of her artistic side but the idea of going out that way doesn't quite sit well with her.
Maybe she should do what Sylvia Plath did and use carbon dioxide poisoning? It'll be like going to sleep, so she hears at least. She's so tired of life that something so simple seems the best way to go about this.
She does secretly love Sylvia Plath. Especially what she said in the Bell Jar about death. "Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
She needs some peace and silence. She needs it so bad. She's constantly around noise. Before she loved it with the music and talking to people. But now she uses the music just to block out the noise of everyone else telling her what a terrible person she is. Even during the incident he talked through the whole thing. All she wanted to do was to tell him to shut up and get him off of her. She couldn't though. She tried so hard but, in the end, she couldn't, and he won. They all won. She was done.
SASASASASASASASA
Now that she's figured out the best way to go about this for her she needs to decide when. She decides to think about it while she's in the shower. After all, it is a school day. Once in the shower she starts to clean up, enjoying the slight sting that the soap causes in her cuts. It's a small thing that makes her smile. The reminder that they're there makes her feel happy that if she gets in a bind she can just push on it really hard or scrape a scab off.
She's currently warring with herself about when would be the best time to kill herself. The end of the school year seems so far away. She doesn't want to wait that long. She's also not sure that she could put up with everyone being assholes to her for so long. She's also slightly terrified that he'll be back by then and she does not want to deal with that. So when school's out is out of the question.
Maybe spring break? That'll give her time to get it done and most people will be out of town that week so nobody will notice if she doesn't show up to something. Although she doesn't want someone to come across a rotting corpse either. So perhaps the end of spring break? So that it might only take a few days for someone to find her instead of a week or more. Yeah, that sounds good. Carbon monoxide poisoning during spring break. She's glad to have that decided. It gives her a little under two months to get everything in order. Having finally figured everything out she heads to school.
SASASASASASASASA
Unfortunately, her plan to avoid everyone is completely busted the minute she walks into school. She's immediately engulfed by Brittany with a huge hug that makes her violently flinch. She hopes that Brittany didn't noticed but she knows that she did.
Brittany immediately starts talking and there is something in her eyes for a second. It was so quick that Rachel's not sure she saw it or what it was. "Sorry about that but I was just so excited to see you! S and Q are always telling me that my hugs are the best! They do say that sometimes they're a little tight though. Thanks for letting me hang out last night! Did you have a good time? I did. I've never seen that movie before and I really liked it. Do you think we could watch another movie soon? Maybe S and Q could come?"
Rachel is appalled by this idea. She doesn't quite know how to let Brittany down. It has to be done so she calmly states, "I did have fun, thank you. Regrettably, I am booked for the foreseeable future and I doubt Santana or Quinn would ever like to hang out with me." As soon as she says this she makes her escape.
Perhaps avoiding Brittany is going to be harder than she thought. She'll have to start going in the side door to the building so that she can avoid another ambush like this one. She definitely cannot let Brittany or anyone get close to her. Especially now that she's got everything all figured out. Having that weight off her shoulders almost makes her want to be nicer to Brittany and allow her to come over and watch a movie. As a sort of goodbye. She won't, of course, but it's a nice idea.