He paused for a second and I waited for the answer. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Slipping the paper he was holding into his pocket he turned away from me, but immediately turned back around. Just as he started to speak the bright lights of an oncoming vehicle interrupted him. The truck came to a stop in the middle of the road and the unmistaken voice of my friend yelled.
"Does someone need roadside assistance?"
The bedcovers rustle as I attempt to find a comfortable spot on my queen mattress.
Eyes open.
Eyes closed.
Left foot sticking out from the duvet.
Tuck left foot back under the duvet.
I repeat this over and over until I can take no more. Throwing the covers off my body my feet hit the floor with a purpose as I stomp my way to the bathroom. The overhead light is bright and I squint until my eyes adjust. Bravely I stand in front of the mirror that hangs above the sink and I look at myself. I am worn beyond my actual years. Lost dreams and sleep are in each line that maps my face. There is also sadness and loss. My fingers press against my cheekbones and tug upwards. I pull farther up to smooth the lines around my eyes, but no matter how tightly I pull it does not fix what I see. The girl in me has vanished.
My mind keeps going back to to what Edward said to me tonight.
"Do you believe in fate, Bella?" "I need to know if you believe in fate, that everything we say and do happens for a reason."
"Because I want to know if you think that this is a coincidence?"
I don't think there is anything that is called fate when it comes to us, right? This whole thing is so confusing. What is he even talking about about? Frustrated with everything at the moment I gave up looking at the reflection of myself. All my emotions are knotted together inside me, tangled together in a mess. I wish I was able to pull them apart and decode each of them, solve the puzzles of my psyche and find some peace. I just want to be able to breathe just to breathe, not because I am out of breath.
I want to know why he is here. Why now? After all these years? Just when I have the possibility of moving on with someone else? Could I build a new life? I could, couldn't I? I think I could. With the right man I believe it will be possible. Garrett could be the right man. At the time I thought Edward was the right man. STOP. Don't think that. Don't think about him like that.
Why do I always think about him like that? Even when Garrett is being sweet to me or holding me close. When his soft, full lips brush against mine I can't help but to think of another time when I was much younger and felt another set of soft lips that made my heart race. STOP. Don't think that. Bella, you can't think about that.
I walk into my living room and stare at the walls around me. There is a small lamp on the side table near the couch that I keep on everynight. It casts a soft glow about the room, just enough to illuminate the room. There are some family photos and reproduced artwork hung on the walls, otherwise the room is plain and boring. As I glance around I become annoyed and angry with my surroundings. Everything is muted and boring, so simple and complete bullshit. There is no life in this home. Beige walls decorated with the typical Monet and the staged family photo. Forced smiles trying to forget the pain and fear that filled our lives for those few years. As the photos continue through the room the smiles of the others are more genuine while mine is as fake as the first. I am decorated no differently than this room. Covered up beige walls with nothing special framed works bought at a flea market. Muted, boring, simple, and complete bullshit.
This realization makes me furious and not the type of anger that usually has me closed up for days in bed. Instead I begin to pull the frames off the walls and throw them toward the kitchen. I clear the walls of any decoration and I push the furniture from the center of the room to the outer walls. My heart is thumping and sweat is pouring off my brow. I hate everything right now. I hate the way I have been living my life. I hate the way I have covered up my real feelings. I hate how he has made me question everything. I hate how he is still in my head and coincidently in my heart. I hate that I have so much hate in me when all I want to do is feel love.
Collapsing in the chair that had been pushed aside ,I decide to give up the struggle and let sleep take over for a few hours. I clear my mind, close my eyes and let sleep take over.
I am outside waiting as Garrett pulls his truck up along the drive. The drive is quiet, the typical 'good morning' and 'how did you sleep' conversation is all that fills the silence. My responses are lies. 'I'm fine and like a baby'. It's easier for now.
Garrett is dressed nicely in grey pants and a black button down shirt. Sleeves rolled to the elbow with a couple buttons undone keeps it casual. His shoes are shiny new. I wonder if he bought them just for today. They look awkward on his feet when I have only seen him in old, dirty work boots. It reminds me of the first day of school for some reason, it must be a new shoe thing.
"What is the smile for?" Garrett asks.
"Nothing," Embarrassed, I try to avoid the subject. I am doing my best to keep up the image of a woman who has it together, embarrassingly I am so falling apart. As we drive I think about the last 24 hours. The party, balloons, Edward, my realizations, and I wonder if it means something. Letting out a sigh I continue to focus on the landscape outside my window.
Garrett moves his hand across the bench seat of his truck and captures my left hand. The warmth of his fingers around mine is soothing. He is like a heating pad, here to ease my aches.
I push my fingers in between his and smile at him. He reciprocates with a smile meant only for me. I feel special and today I need this.
Before the truck comes to a complete stop I am pulled from the cab by Alice and Rose. I hear Garrett's laughter, he is constantly amused by my friend's antics. They speak over my head like mind sharing twins discussing the last minute details. I know the drill, it's their distraction method, because when I walk into the barn that has been transformed into the venue I will be taken back by emotion that I have suppressed. I will be proud for our hard work, but I will be angry that it came at such a price. I will see photos of my daughter and other children displayed in memorial. Conversations with parents that have gone through the same heartache as I have with leave me with little comfort because I know they have traveled the same path I have and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
As we walk through the doors I am overwhelmed by the simplicity, but beauty of the decor. Rose has settled on a country themed fundraiser that centered around family events instead of the typical evening galas we have done in the past. We thought it would be nice to be able to include families that have been effected together as well as the community.
"Rosalie. Alice. You guys...It's so perfect," I say as I continue to look around. My eyes misting up, completely impressed with everything even though I shouldn't be surprised.
"Isabella Swan, don't you dare start crying," Alice scolded me as she wrapped her tiny arms around me and squeezed. Rose handed over a tissue she had in her purse, always prepared.
"I am not sure what to say to you both, so I am just going to tell you that I love you so much," I said to the two women before me.
That is how the day began. We direct the caterers and greet the early guests as they arrived. Going through the motions is tedious. I stand where I need to. Speak when I am suppose to. Smile when I am expected to. At all times I am within three feet of my parents or Rose and Garrett is always within eyesight, his constant smiles and winks keep me moving forward.
I mingle with families who have stood with us since the beginning and then onto some who are new with their fresh tears. Doing my best I offer up a smile knowing that there are no words I can say. My father keeps me hydrated with a half tea and half lemonade with fresh ice at all times. I am grateful although my bladder is very full. Two hours has passed and I excuse myself to the restroom needing a personal break. Alice offers to come with me, but I hold my hand up letting her know that I am fine.
Feeling relieved and much more comfortable I exit the stall and wash my hands in the sink. In the mirror I see a mother and daughter behind me sitting on a wicker couch that is in a small sitting area in the corner of the restroom.
They are having a quiet conversation. The woman is beautiful and the girl resembles her mother, but she also has the most amazing color hair. It is brown with red tones. I think of my own daughter's hair, the tufts of brownish red that were so soft, I am sure I think of this because of what today is. As I dry my hands and turn to leave the girl looks up at me. Her eyes are piercing green and paired with her hair she is exactly...exactly...the thought gets stuck in my head. I pull on the door and leave the bathroom. I need a drink.