Chapter 3 – Cheaters Never Prosper
Ford showed them a hole in the wall, a narrow tunnel leading to another small room. Using a spear with a mirror-like reflective surface, he gave them a look at a transparent object in a wooden box.
"It's too narrow for me, but you could make it," Ford told Dipper.
"Wait, it could be dangerous," said Mabel.
"Of course it's dangerous," said Dipper. "Everything here is. But it fits the clue and it's our best chance of getting home."
Dipper crawled through the tunnel.
"There's a kind of three-dimensional puzzle in this box," he called back to the others. "Wait, the surface is turning black like that clue display on the game board. It says, 'Solve the puzzle and go home.'"
"Yes!" said Ford and Mabel together.
Dipper took out the puzzle and began to twist the pieces around. It was like a Rubik's cube, but the end result was supposed to be a monkey face.
Out in the room, a gigantic spider appeared out of a hole in the ceiling. With a roar, it attacked.
"How could you live here all these years and not know there was a giant spider here?" Mabel asked.
"It must only appear after you touch the puzzle," said Ford, fending off the spider with the spear.
"Hurry up with that puzzle, bro-bro! We're getting eaten by a giant spider out here," said Mabel.
"I'm being eaten by tiny spiders in here!" Dipper called back. "They're not helping my concentration. This puzzle is as tough as a what-the-heck-a-hedron."
In desperation, Dipper took a short-cut. He smashed the puzzle to the floor, popping off the image panels from the puzzle. He put them back on to form the monkey face.
Instantly they all appeared in the living room of the Mystery Shack.
"Whoop whoop! We did it!" Mabel yelled. "Home."
"Yes!" shouted Dipper.
"Back from that cursed world at last," said Ford. "It's wonderful. Do you have any energy bars in the kitchen? I've missed those. But wait... this place looks familiar. This is my house!"
"Your house?" asked Mabel. "This is where we live."
"Well, it has been thirty years," said Ford. "No doubt the bank took it back for the unpaid mortgage and sold it to your family. I'm surprised they kept so many of my old artifacts, like the fossilized dinosaur skull beside the armchair, instead of putting them in a museum."
"We haven't lived here very long..." said Dipper.
"Broseph, why do you have a tail all of sudden?" Mabel asked. "And your face is all furry."
The puzzle that Dipper still held in his hands turned black for a moment and displayed the word, "Cheater."
"Oh no," said Ford. "You cheated on solving the puzzle, didn't you, Clyde?"
"Yeah, sort of..." said Dipper.
"This is very bad," said Ford. "One thing I've learned about Gravmanji is that it hates cheaters. We have to go back and solve it the right way."
"We left the game upstairs, in our bedroom in the attic," said Mabel.
As they headed up the rickety wooden stairs they saw jungle vines starting to grow on the banister.
"Gravmanji is coming here," said Ford. "If we don't stop it, there will be a Jungle-mageddon!
A horde of animals, including an elephant, a rhinoceros, and the three deranged monkeys from Van Northwest's hunting lodge rushed down the stairs. Ford and the kids leaped out of the way.
Just then, Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Durland knocked at the door.
"Yoo-hoo!" called Durland. "We have police raffle tickets for sale. Buy one... umm... get one!"
"That's a great sales slogan, Deputy," said the Sheriff. "It's a delight to be with you."
The jungle animals charged out, knocking the door over on top of them.
"What was that?" asked Durland. "I'm scared!"
"Me too," said Blubbs.
The three monkeys jumped into their police car and drove it away.
The three adventurers went up the stairs and found it led directly into the jungle world.
"The attic is Gravmanji?" said Mabel.
"You still have the puzzle?" Ford asked Dipper as they began to trek through the jungle.
Dipper nodded.
"Keep it hidden, just in case," said Ford. "We need to find a safe place to work on it..."
Dipper hid it under his vest. This was a good thing, because pushing through the next bush revealed Van Northwest, who clubbed Ford down with the end of his rifle.
"I want the crystal artifact you have," Van Northwest told the children. "Give it to me!"
"Why do you want it, anyway?" asked Dipper.
"I want it, and that's all you need to know," said Van Northwest.
"We don't have it any more," Mabel lied.
By this time, Ford had recovered enough to say, "We traded it to the Gnomanji tribe, fearsome bloodthirsty warriors that no man can call friends."
"We had to trade it, for our lives," Dipper said.
"Then we shall trade back, for the very same price," said Van Northwest coldly.
They were held prisoners by Van Northwest's campfire that night, in a cage he had made by bending saplings and tying them together at the top and bottom. The jungle was quiet and the air was clammy.
Dipper was hanging upside-down from the top of the cage, by his tail.
"How are you holding out, monkey-boy?" Mabel asked.
"I'm all right," said Dipper. "I just want to go home."
"We'll find a way out of this," said Mabel. "I hope..."
"I was home," said Ford angrily. "Home after thirty years, if Clyde here hadn't cheated."
"Lay off my brother," said Mabel. "He didn't know what would happen, and he was in a real hurry to save us from the spiders."
"And after I saved you both," Ford grumbled. "You'd be twin heads on Van Northwest's wall by now, Bonnie and Clyde."
"Oh, one more thing I have to tell you," said Dipper. "I lied about our names when I wasn't sure we could trust you. We're Dipper and Mabel Pines."
"Pines? That's my last name. I'm Stanford Pines. I go by Ford for short."
"Stanford Pines? He's our Grunkle," said Mabel. "And our guardian."
"This can't be. What's your grandfather's name?" asked Ford.
"Sherman Pines," said Dipper.
"He got sick and passed away a few years ago," said Mabel. "That's why we went to live with our Grunkle Stan when our parents died."
"I think I know what happened," said Ford. "My crooked brother Stanley must have taken over my home and identity after I disappeared. Someday I'll have a word with him... if I ever get back."
"He's kind of crooked, but he's nice, too," said Mabel. "He's the only family we've got now."
"You've got me, too," said Ford. "If you're my brother Shermy's grandkids you're my grand-nephew and grand-niece."
"You're our Grunkle Ford?" asked Mabel.
"I prefer Great Uncle Ford, Thank you for telling me the truth. It has inspired me to work on our escape."
"You have a plan?" asked Dipper.
"I've noticed the Gnomanji tribe tracking us since dawn," said Ford. "I think they'll try to attack, and we can break out in the confusion."
A small man in an African mask and a cone-shaped hat sneaked up to the bottom of the cage and began working on the rope that held it shut.
Ford held his hand over Mabel's mouth. "Don't scream," he whispered. "The Gnomanji might carry you off to be their queen. They like screamers."
Mabel nodded, and Ford released her.
Van Northwest was looking the other direction, at a large hairy animal the Gnomanji had released as distraction. He fired at the charging beast and it ran off.
Then Van Northwest heard a noise behind him and saw the Gnomanji had the cage nearly open. "Outrageous!"
He would have fired at the tribesman, but he had just used his bullet firing at the other creature. With a roar of rage he came after the Gnomanji warrior with his gun raised as a club. Dipper used his agile monkey tail to pluck the weapon from the hunter's hand and smash it into him, sending him into the mouth of a carnivorous plant.
"Way to go, monkey-boy!" said Mabel.
The Gnomanji opened the cage and bore the escaped prisoners away on their backs. They carried them to a clearing and surrounded them, speaking in a series of clicks.
Ford translated. "Tribal Jeff, their leader, says 'Thanks for saving me from being batted.'"
"You're welcome," said Dipper.
"He also says the crystal monkey is theirs and they want it back.," said Ford. "But don't give it to them because it's your only way home. Let's make a run for it."
"It's theirs," said Dipper. "So far, honesty has worked better than anything else I've tried here."
He took out the crystal monkey and handed it to Tribal Jeff, who gave a long speech in clicks. The other warriors bowed down before the artifact.
"He says your honesty is rare, etcetera, etcetera," said Ford.
Tribal Jeff solved the puzzle almost completely, handing it to Dipper for the last step. When Dipper completed the puzzle, it glowed bright green and floated up. The words "Go home" appeared in the sky.
They were back in the attic, and everything was back to normal.
"All right! It worked!" Dipper said.
"And you're human again," said Mabel, hugging him.
Ford spotted the Gravmanji board and rushed over to it. "Quick, let's burn the game!"
But the board rumbled and a magic vortex pulled Ford back in. The box shut with a snap.
Mabel ran over to the game and opened it. "We've gotta go back!"
"No," said Dipper. "We could get killed."
"He's our great-uncle," said Mabel. "We have to help him. He helped us get out."
"But we don't even know his clue," said Dipper.
"So, it could take a few turns," said Mabel.
"It could take forever," said Dipper.
"Are you game, or not?" asked Mabel.
"I'm game," said Dipper. "But just a minute."
He went downstairs and returned with energy bars from the vending machine in the gift shop.
"Good idea, bro-bro," said Mabel. "Now it's my turn to roll."
She thew the dice and read the clue.
"Yaaah!" they both yelled as the game pulled them in again.