To my buddy kfoll- Thanks for hanging in there with me. Without your support who knows when I would have posted. This one is for you.
As always, I don't own Twilight or any other Twilight related idea. I have no intention of wrongdoing, because that is wrong...ummmkay.
Previously in Chapter 19...
"That is why I am taking you back to bed," he said as he carried into my room and tossed me on my bed.
"Not responsible anymore?" I asked.
"Not responsible." He growled as he buries his face into my neck. His body moves against mine, far too slow for my liking. I can feel him attaching himself to me and I know that in this exact moment that I have made a huge mistake.
Alone in my bedroom the smell of sex and guilt linger about and invade my thoughts pushing away any progress I made after my session with Jennifer yesterday. Her prognosis of Chronic Grief was no surprise to me. Knowing the symptoms well enough I had already labeled myself, thanks to Google and WebMD, not the best thing to do, but I am sure we all have done it before.
Shock, Denial, Depression, Guilt, Anxiety, Anger, and Reintegration. Stuck between Anxiety and Anger with dreams of someday pushing past Reintegration, yearning to feel something other than numbness, despair, and confusion. Visualizing this nightmare as a marathon I pushed myself toward the finish line only to stumble so close. It was not the first time since her death, but it was the first time I was taking a victim, Garrett.
It had been weeks since I allowed Garrett to share my bed and my body. Not once since then did I have the courage to stop him from falling for me. Seven weeks was all it took for him to whisper the three words that shook my entire universe last night. Even without my response he continued to worship my body. I did not return the sentiment nor did I bring it up. He simply kissed me goodbye before the sun rose and headed home to shower before work.
My morning routine was complete shit with my current state of confusion and bewilderment. Rushing through my shower and dressing for work I hurried out the door with just enough time to make it before the office opened.
Minutes ticked away slowly. With each phone call answered and invoice filed time was slow-moving, lethargic. I needed to keep myself occupied with my menial desk duties so I did not obsessed over my current situation. Garrett found too many reasons to come into the office during the day. Looking for Emmett, making a phone call, looking for blueprints, there were so many excuses and each time he came in he made sure to touch my body. There would be a few times when he would be bold and steal a kiss and I would push him away playfully claiming that someone would see us. Truth was that I was really wanting to push him away, far away. I was ashamed that I felt this way, but I also craved the attention he was giving me. So I decided to push it all down and focus on work until the hands on the clock positioned themselves to the place where I could finally call it a day. Without a sound I grabbed my bag and quietly moved toward the door not allowing it to slam shut like it normally would.
"By my calculations I think the benefit was a huge success," declared Rose. She sat across from me at her dining room table. Her laptop was open as she plugged the last numbers into her accounting program. It had been two weeks since the event and it was time for us to finish up the event.
I crossed names from the guest list to make sure the thank you notes were completed. The stacks of envelopes were in neat stacks around me ironically like a fortress blocking me from my friend.
"I decided that we would go ahead and give funds to the organizations that requested help. I am just waiting for your approval on those proposals," she added. I kept checking names nodding my head in acknowledgement. Rose's voice faded into the background as I noticed the name on the next envelope. Edward Cullen.
Without think I tore into the envelope to read the receipt of donation.
Five Hundred Thousand Dollars stood out like a lighthouse in a storm.
"Bella. What the hell are you doing !" Rose yelled at me from across the table.
My heart beat wildly in my chest while my mind tried to wrap itself around the why and how.
I handed her the envelope as I stood up. Her face paled as she finally understood what happened.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered feeling afraid of the answer.
"What does it matter?" she replied. Her tone was flat with little emotion. If I did not know any better she was hiding something from me.
"What does it matter? It matters a lot Rose! How could you even say that," I argued. Grabbing my purse I headed toward the door. There was no way I could sit across from her with these emotions I was feeling. I needed to get away, to breathe, to calm down.
As I turned the knob to open the front door she came from behind me and pushed the door shut.
"Did you ever think that maybe he lost his daughter too! You were not the only person who lost Peyton. I can't imagine what that does to you, but Bella open your eyes, he was her father. He KNOWS she was his daughter. He wanted to do something for her."
I remained silent, unsure of how to process the words my best friend spoke. With a defeated sigh I pushed Rose out-of-the-way and ran to my truck. Starting the engine and pulling from the drive I knew exactly what I had to do.
In the small park across town I sat on the bench across from the fountain waiting. A cool breeze chilled my aching body, but the sun was shining down upon me. The sun was usually hidden by the clouds, but today it was out. Warm and bright.
Closing my eyes and leaning my head back to rest against the bench I relaxed and took a moment to take in the rays. My cheeks warmed and began to feel…
"Bella," his voice grabbed me from where I was going the slammed me back to reality.
I squinted my eyes to let in the light only to see him standing before me. There had been weeks since the last time we had been this close, he looked different, almost exhausted.
I moved over to give him space to sit while opting to stay silent. Afraid to speak, afraid my words would be weapons and I would use them to kill.
"I was hoping we could take a walk through town," Edward said.
Confused by his suggestion and annoyed by his presence I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. This idea of trying to talk to him about what happened in the past was stupid. What could it actually do? So we had a short relationship, had sex, he dumped me, I found out I was pregnant, and turned out our daughter died after she was born. He didn't fucking care. He had the perfect marriage, daughter, and life. What would he want with Bella Swan. I am fucking nothing.
Frustrated and angry I stood up and walked away doing my best to block out his voice calling my name in the background. I almost got to my truck when I felt his hand on my shoulder and the familiar warmth spread through me. I wanted to deny it, I've tried to deny it for so many years.
"God dammit Bella, What the fuck is wrong with you?" he growled at me. His hand dropped from my shoulder and wrapped around my waist.
I could feel his breath on my neck, warm and inviting. Memories of him and I flooded my mind. Tangled in sheets. Tickles and kisses. Whispers and Promises. Leaning back I allowed myself to sink further into the darkness of his presence.