Hey! I bet you all were worried that this fic was dead. All seven of you. Seven followers. *sob* I love you!
Anyhoo, yeah. Here's the next chapter. But, just a warning to those who are uncomfortable with it, this is the first time in this fic that I exhibit the most primary part of my personality: my faith. I'm a Christian, and so in order to make my author insert realistic, I have to insert my whole self. That includes this. If this revelation discourages you from this fic and this self-insert series, then I am sorry to have made you feel like abandoning it. But I'll press on.
I Still Believe is by Jeremy Camp
It's a good song.
J walked back into his room feeling a lot better than he had when he woke up. He wasn't feeling perfect, but given the circumstances, that was to be expected. He closed the door behind him. He didn't notice it catch on the forgotten towel on the floor, which kept the door from closing by an inch.
J sat down on his bed and leaned against the headboard.
A promise is a promise, he thought. So I'd better get thinking about this whole… thing.
In his mind, he went back two week. It was just a normal night. He was on his way from the lair to the Warehouse.
His hand unconsciously grabbed for his cross necklace. Unfortunately, it was no longer there.
Dang it. J sighed. I wish I hadn't lost it. What happened to it, anyway? Did I lose it during the fight, or did Shred-Ch'rell-take it while I was being held captive?
J groaned, "This is going to take forever."
He looked up at the ceiling.
I was so relieved when I found out that I was actually free. But still… I'm not… home.
That one little word was so strong. Home. The word induced multiple questions and emotions onto the teen. J didn't know where he was anymore, or what he was supposed to do. He felt trapped, and he was. He hated it. He hated knowing it. He hated Ch'rell for opening his eyes to the truth of his fate. He hated the 2003 universe for holding him in. He hated his own universe for rejecting him.
It was like a dam had broken. In a fit of rage, J grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room. He breathed heavily after it hit the far wall. But it wasn't over yet. J vaulted over the foot of his bed and attacked the next item: his desk. His notebook, sketchbook, and books were all swept off the desk and fell onto the floor. He kicked his chair over on his way to back to his bed. He flipped the mattress over the other side and then whirled to face his last target. The poor nightstand stood no choice against the broken teenager. It took little effort in his rage-induced state to pull the furniture piece over, along with it fell his glasses case and digital alarm clock.
Before J could look for another item to let loose on, his alarm clock landed on its Sleep button, turning on its radio. Jeremy Camp's voice suddenly filled the room as his song began, and J stopped in his tracks.
Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
J shook his head, amazed at how appropriate the lyrics were to his situation.
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain
J sank down to the ground and picked up his clock, turning it upright.
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe
J looked over at the mess he made around his desk. His bible and theology books lay scattered and opened to whatever page they were dropped onto.
Can I still believe? he wondered. Where can I go from here? What about the purpose I thought I had? Jeremy's song continued.
Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
J choked out something between a laugh and a sob. He couldn't believe how close to home the song was hitting. He sang softly along as Jeremy Camp reached the chorus.
"But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my… pain…"
I always say music is my refuge. J quickly got lost in the song.
*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*
The noise J created during his outburst had drawn the attention of the others. They all raced to J's door, only to find the noise had stopped, and now music was playing.
Raph went to open the door, but Mikey cut in front of him and quickly peaked his head in through the crack in the door, much to the turtle in red's annoyance.
Mikey pulled his head out and faced the others. "Bros, it's like a warzone in there," he said, ignoring his growling brother and stepping back so they could peak in.
J had already finished trashing his room, and was currently kneeling by his tipped nightstand, his back to the door. The turtles and girls could hear music playing.
"I'm going in," Raph said.
"Me too," Des amended.
Their older siblings grabbed their shoulders, stopping them. Leo shook his head silently at Raph while Cherry shushed her sister.
"I think J needs to be by himself still," she said. "Y'all need to stay out here for him."
"But‒" Desy began.
"Shh!" Donatello shushed. "J is singing to himself."
Everyone immediately peaked in, listened, and watched J as he lost himself in the music.
"I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe"
Leonardo frowned in concern at the implications of this song as the boy proceeded to sing in much greater volume and much greater emotion.
"Well the only place I can go is into Your arms
where I throw to You my feeble prayers
And in brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me
Help me to know You are near…"
Cherry grabbed Destiny's hand to keep her from running into the room. The younger girl pouted at her sister. She wanted to help her broken brother, even as he continued, more softly this time as he lowered himself back down.
"I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see…"
J arched his back and looked up, increasing in volume again. His voice cracked multiple times, but he continued without appearing to care, much to everyone's surprise.
"I still believe
I still believe"
Just as quickly as he crescendoed, J deflated and sung one last "I still believe" as he hugged himself. As such, he was unable to finish singing along with the artist.
I still believe, I still believe
J took a deep breath and reached forward. The group heard the click of his radio turning off.
Destiny was about to ask Cherry if they could go in now, but Leonardo shut the door. He was careful not to make the latch sound so J wouldn't know they were there.
"J has a lot more on his mind then we thought, guys," he said.
Raph huffed, "So we should go in there and help him get it off his mind!"
Destiny, Donnie, and Mikey nodded in agreement.
The brainy turtle pointed out, "It would be better to have all of us helping him think this through."
"No!" the blue ninja demanded. "We can't help him with this."
"Can't," Kellie began, "or won't?"
"Can not!" Leo spat, emphasizing each syllable. "As in we aren't capable of helping him! We don't know how to help him with this!"
Cherry ran up and put her hands on his shoulders. "Leo, please calm down. Why not?"
The leader took a deep breath and continued. "J is worrying about much more than just getting home now. He's questioning his faith in his whole identity."
"What do you mean, Leo?" Michelangelo asked.
"Weren't you listening to the song? Weren't you listening to how J was singing it?" Leo threw the questions out like knives. "He wasn't just singing, he was crying out. He's questioning everything his character revolves around."
The others looked at each other. They hadn't considered this.
Leo continued, "We all know how serious J is about the whole bible thing. He spent most of the money he had on those study books of his. Master Splinter told me that he reads a chapter of one book before bed every night. He also told me that he and J have engaged in conversations about spirituality and worldviews on a regular basis. And we all know how his whole demeanor revolves around his faith in this god of his. If he loses that, he might lose himself." He punched a wall. "And we can't do a thing about it!"
Michelangelo leaned against a wall and slid down it. "Leo's right. We can't do anything about this. Cuz Leo, Raph, and Don are too skeptical to even consider talking to him about all that Christian-y stuff, and I would probably say something stupid and just make the whole thing worse." He groaned and buried his head in his forearms.
Donnie shook his head. "You're right."
"Damn it, why!" Raph growled.
"Hey, what about us?" Destiny asked incredulously. "Cherry could probably talk to J, no sweat."
"I don't know, sis," Cherry said. "I don't think any of us know enough to actually be able to talk to J about this."
Everyone silently contemplated defeat.
"You don't have to."
Everyone's heads snapped towards J's door.
*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*
After J turned off his radio, he just sat and thought.
This whole thing is bigger than I imagined. I never thought that it would be my destiny to live here the rest of my days. Mortal days, anyway. Then eternity.
"What a mess." He looked around the room. He went about tidying it up.
He started with his mattress and pillow. "I need a place to sleep, after all."
Then he righted his bedside table and repositioned the items on top of it. After that he moved to his desk and righted his chair. After positioning his chair just right, he stooped down and picked up his study books, one by one, and leaned them against the wall corner in alphabetical order by author, as they should be.
"Let's see…" he said to himself, bending over his desk to review the order. "Bickel & Jantz, Duvall & Hays, Keller, Lamb, and Little. Yep, perfect."
"Wait." J straightened up as he realized one was missing. "Where's my bible?"
He got on all fours and looked around. He didn't have to look long, as the Holy Book was right underneath him, open faceup. J froze at the verse it was open to, which he himself had highlighted when he got it. It was his favorite verse, Proverbs 17:17.
A FRIEND LOVES AT ALL TIMES,
AND A BROTHER IS BORN FOR ADVERSITY.
J picked up the book and closed it, chuckling. "All right, all right, I'll talk to them. Sheesh."
He put the book down on his desk and looked around the room again. "That didn't take long to clean at all." He walked to the door and noticed his towel on the floor. "Did I forget to take that back to the bathroom? Oh right, Desy kind of kidnapped me to the lab." He picked it up and put his hand on the doorknob.
He stopped when he heard conversation from beyond the slab of wood.
"...can't do anything about this. Cuz Leo, Raph, and Don are too skeptical to even consider talking to him about all that Christian-y stuff, and I would probably say something stupid and just make the whole thing worse."
"You're right."
"Damn it, why!"
"Hey, what about us? Cherry could probably talk to J, no sweat."
"I don't know, sis. I don't think any of us know enough to actually be able to talk to J about this."
J couldn't help a small grin. Can't get a better cue than that. He opened the door. "You don't have to."
He looked at everyone's surprise with well-hidden mirth. Where's Donnie's camera? "Because I still believe."
All the turtles' jaws dropped.
Now I really want Donnie's camera.
"You do?" Leo asked.
"Why?" Mikey added.
J sighed. "It's complicated, but if you're actually willing to listen, I can explain." Before anyone could respond, he added, "But I'm also ready to talk about my last two weeks."
Everyone nodded at the latter choice.
Leo put an arm around J. "Let's go to the living then."
"Before we do that," J protested, "I need to hang my towel up."
I really do have an explanation for why I would still believe in Christianity after all this. If you interested, shoot me a PM and I'll be happy to discuss with you. Just be sure to specifically mention this fic and chapter. If you're not interested and are just fine with the fact that this fic continues, that's okay, too!
Please leave a review below, and tell me what you thought about this chapter. Did you like anything, did you see any typos? I want to know your thoughts! I also want to improve my writing skills, because I am certainly far from flawless.