My heart is bleeding, it was the only way I can describe what I'm feeling. It feels like a strong weight is sitting upon my chest that I cannot shift. That weight is Morgana and her attack against me, I know she loves Mordred and has a strong motherly connection with him but surely our bond matters a whole lot more? The pain is unbearable, my own magic mate put me here, the woman I love used magic against me. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to feel her anger and hate, and I can't bear it.
Despair clutches at my heart, in the distance I hear the hum of voices Arthur and Gaius begging me to wake up. I can't, I want to, my loyalty for Arthur makes me want to wake up but I force myself into a deep sleep, I can't face them right now, I can't face Morgana and her hatred.
I let the agony take me and with it my worst memories begin to flash in front of my eyes, I can't push them away no matter how much I try not to think about them, It is my bodies way of punishing me for not waking up and doing my duty. I am transported back to one of my earlier memories…
The room is cold, oh so cold, I can't feel my fingers and no matter how much Mother rubs them they stay cold. My feet too are like two blocks of ice. I sit in Mothers arms with blankets wrapped around us. It is winter and it is too cold and damp to light a fire. We are freezing, and my three year old self feels the discomfort and begins to cry a slow aching wail.
'Merlin, I'm sorry, I can't do anything, what a useless mother I am,' Hunith intones in a sorrowful voice, she is watching her son slowly freeze to death and there is no way to stop it.
I am skin and bones and I feel the chill of the bitter wind against my skin, its icy touch is biting and its sends my frail body into a fit of shivers. I can't bear this, I cannot stand it. My three year old self takes action, and uses magic that no child should bear. My eyes glow gold and the fire smokes and sparks and flames hiss into life.
'Merlin!' Mother shouts thrusting me from her arms 'how many times do I have to tell you, no magic, you can't!'
But three year old me does not understand his mother's anger and looks in confusion from her to the now smouldering fire. Although she does not put it, out she walks to the door and shouts outside, and neighbours fall in with branches taking the flames from the fire and thanking and blessing Hunith in awe thinking she started the fire, then going back into the night.
Mother sighs and turns back to look at three year old me who doesn't understand why his mother is so angry. I saved her, I saved all of them, why was what I did so wrong? Mother opens her arms and I waddle over and wrap myself around her legs and together we huddle in front of the fire.
'You must keep yourself safe Merlin, keep your secret safe, no magic,' she repeated at me in stern words and keeping eye contact. It was to be the beginning of a world of secrets for me, from an early age I was told by my mother that my magic was a gift but that I couldn't use it. I could never let anyone know. Slowly as I got older I heard the tales of King Uther and his quest to rid the world of magic and I lived in fear, withdrawing from all people. It would be a long time before I made a friend.
The memory hurts, living in fear; it is what I have known all my life. Even now I am too afraid to wake up, too afraid to face my demons. I was taught to keep secrets and to trust no one from an early age and mother made sure I didn't use my magic unless necessary but at times my magic was just too instinctual, too uncontrollable for me not to use it. Like the time I saved Will's life…
It had been a hot summer, the air was thick with humidity it was almost tangible. I was out for a walk to get some fire wood though fire was unwelcome in this heat. There was an old saying in Ealdor 'the sun seeks not to please the farmers and the peasants only to do Misery's bidding'. In other words it was either too hot or far too cold in Ealdor. But we still needed wood to be able to cook so I had gone out with my friend, my only friend Will.
Ours had been an awkward relationship, because of my magic I had wanted to keep my distance but William had persisted and broken down my barriers and I had slowly started to like him. My only friend. He drew me out of my shell and taught me how to love and appreciate life, the only downfall was that I couldn't tell him about my magic and the secrecy sat between our friendships like a wedge.
'I think were due a good thunderstorm Merl,' Will said a little ahead of me.
I smiled at his nickname for me. At 16 Will was slightly taller than me with brown hair and boyish good looks, he was strong too, he felt the need to live up to his father's name and become a brilliant swordsman one day. I had no doubt he would do it, when Will committed to something he saw it through just like his dedication to get to know me. It was one of his best qualities and one that endeared him to me especially.
'It was been very hot,' I replied catching him up. I glanced at the sky and saw the darkening skies, 'maybe sooner than later'
'Well there's no fire wood here lets cross the river then head back.' Will suggested and I nodded and followed his lead.
We crossed the river just as the rain began to fall, a slow mist at first which then began to get heavier and heavier until huge droplets were splashing into my hair and drenching my clothes. It was loud too and I had to yell to make myself heard.
'Let's just turn back Will the wood will be damp and won't light anyway!' I yelled, not telling him that I could light it with magic of course.
He nodded in reply and together we started to jog back towards home, which was when it happened… I was slightly ahead of Will and all of a sudden an air cracking sound of lightning split the air in a beautiful arc of power. It forked into a tree that set the whole thing a blaze and with a flash of fear I saw it break apart and fall towards a terrified Will.
'WILL!' I screamed, and in the distance I heard Arthur and Gaius react to my screams.
I had no choice my magic reacted, I could not lose my only friend, I couldn't, I felt raw power surge through me that set my body afire with adrenalin. My eyes flashed gold and the whole tree stopped its movements and hung suspended in mid-air. Will stared up at it in shock and disbelief then relief as he realised he wouldn't be dying today, then from his place on the now muddy ground he turned his shocked eyes to mine which were now glowing a brilliant gold.
'Move Will,' I instructed him, he paused for a moment then scrambled to his feet to my side. My eyes faded gold and the tree crashed loudly to the floor.
I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, and as the adrenalin faded the horror of my situation came upon me. Will had seen me do magic, I couldn't bear to look at him. All my life Mother had warned me again and again not to tell or show anyone, her one rule and I had disobeyed it.
'Merlin look at me,' Will said. I couldn't, I just couldn't. I felt his hand gently clasp my chin and tilt it to look at him.
'So you have magic… that was pretty impressive wasn't it?' Will said smiling at me. I stared at him in shock.
'You're not mad at me?' I asked confused.
'Why would I be mad at you, you saved my life,' Will said staring at me.
'But my magic is not to be trusted, its evil,' I whispered looking back to the ground.
'How can it be evil, you saved my life Merl?' Will said.
I looked back up at him and read total acceptance and understanding from him and I smiled back at him. I was free; finally I had a person other than my mother I could finally be honest with. Life had never looked better.
'You can't tell anyone,' I told him.
For two years he kept my secret. We became very close and his death still hurts. He saved Arthur and sacrificed himself. My best friend sacrificed himself for my future best friend; I wish he was here for me to thank him. To thank him for keeping destiny and the future of my kind alive. Of course our secret didn't last, it was only a matter of time before Mother found out, but I did get two brilliant years with Will…
'HOW COULD YOU MERLIN!' mother screamed at me 'I ASK ONE THING OF YOU MERLIN ONE THING.'
'I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me,' at eighteen this was the first time I had ever heard my mother yell at me, she was a calm loving woman but the knowledge that Will knew my secret had shocked her into anger.
'You can't stay here Merlin it's not safe anymore,' she said shaking her head at me tears filling her eyes.
'No you can't make me leave, this is my home, Will won't tell, I promise,' I begged her tears dripping form my own eyes now as the thought of leaving came to my head.
'I'm not kicking you out Merlin, but it's becoming obvious that you can't control your magic and sooner or later this is going to get out.'
'It won't please,' I begged.
'This is a small village Merlin and your powers are becoming stronger I've got no choice but to ask for help.'
'Help?' I asked confused.
'You'll go to Gaius and friend of mine who has knowledge in magic perhaps he can help you.'
'I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Will, please mum I've never had a friend before.'
'I'm sorry Merlin,' Hunith said hugging me to her.
'I can't help my magic,' I said heartbroken.
'I know, and it is entirely for that reason that you have to leave.'
And so had begun my trip to Camelot, I was scared and I hadn't wanted to go but it had been for the best. Despite mine and Will's tearful parting. I had finally found a purpose for my magic and that purpose was Arthur. But helping Arthur came with its own personal brand of heart ache. Having to live like a fool and have everyone think you're stupid and powerless was hard at times. But Arthur had a good heart and I knew he had cared for me then in his own way. He didn't show affection like Will had but he was just as loyal and just as good a friend. And now that my secret was out we were closer than ever.
There had been times however when I had wanted nothing to do with my destiny there were times when I felt like giving up. Meeting Freya was one of them…
'Freya,' I cried as I clutched her dying body to me.
She was my first love that had been cruelly stolen from me. My love for her comes nothing close to what I feel for Morgana but I know that me and Freya would have been close and good friends and I did love her, if only briefly.
She was goodness and light and everything pure despite her curse that she could not help. She had listened to me and had been there to share the beauty of my magic and give me acceptance that I hadn't felt since I had been with Will.
'I don't want you to go,' I whispered to her brokenly tears pouring down my face.
'Someday Merlin I will repay you, I promise,' Freya had said. Her dying words an oath of loyalty to me.
Burying her had almost broken me but it had to be done. She would have liked it in the lake and I hoped she felt like she was home in her last dying moments. I know Avalon will look after her spirit, for the proof I only need to remember the time she gave me Excalibur back from its depths.
I remember with a start the clothes I had buried her in, she had been wearing one of Morgana's silk dresses I noted with irony. It was strange how signs came in the most strangest of ways. I forced my thoughts away from Morgana; I can't think of her I can't… the pain is too much. Instead I force myself deeper into sleep and deeper into painful memories.
In the dungeons Morgana laid on the cold floors with her hands over head as the pain she felt coming from merlin resonated in her own body. The separation was killing her, and as Merlin pushed himself further into sleep his memories were being lived in her own mind. They were jaw droopingly painful and personal and not something she wanted to intrude on without permission. But she was seeing them all the same, and the pain just increased and increased…
She let the screams take her.
Hit me with it!