This Is a Life That You Can't Deny Us Now

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, obviously.

Author Disclaimer: This is an AU Reylo centered story with mature themes.

Author's Note: I truly do appreciate constructive feedback please and thank you. To all the people who have given me feedback already, I truly do appreciate it. I love conversing with all of you, so please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or want to talk.

Chapter Five: Nightmares and Memories

Rey knew she was dreaming, she could feel it. She was sitting at a table with Luke Skywalker, he ignored her as she pushed the food around on her plate.

"Eat," Luke ordered, not even looking at her.

Rey had no control, her lips moved against her will and she spoke to Luke, "Where's Ben?"

It was not her voice that came out, it was much higher and younger. She looked down and saw that her hands were much smaller than usual, her feet did not touch the floor. When she looked back at Luke, she realized he was much taller than her even sitting.

"Ben is not here Kira, now eat," Luke responded.

"No, I want Ben!" she screamed.

She felt her tiny hand slam against the table, Luke's jaw clenched, he was trying to contain his emotions like the true Jedi he was, but it was difficult. She remembered that she and Luke frequently clashed, he had no patience for her at all.

"Ben left, Kira and he's not coming back."

"You're lying! Ben loves me, he wouldn't leave me forever! He loves me and he promised he would always come back for me!" she screamed.

Rey saw Luke's nostrils flare, he turned to her and in a tight voice spoke, "Kira, you need to go to your room and work on your meditation. You have no control over your emotions, you may return when you have found peace."

Rey jumped down from the chair and stomped to a room that was slightly familiar to her. She was not in control over her movements and this scared her. She could see, hear, feel, even smell everything, but she could not control what was happening.

She flopped face down onto the bed and beat her tiny fists against it, screaming into the blanket. Hot tears streamed down her face, she cried because she missed Ben. Because she missed her mother. Because she hated being There with Luke.

Rey cried for some time, the sun set and her room darkened before she finally calmed down. She continued to lay face down on her bed, thinking of Ben, wishing he were there with her.

A scream caught her attention, she lifted her head from the bed and looked towards the entryway of her room, she saw a large figure cloaked in black garments move past it. Rey jumped at the sight but was able to hold back the scream she wanted to release. She got onto the floor and crawled under the bed and continued to watch the doorway.

She began to cry again as she heard the screams of the other padawans echoed throughout. She was terrified, she wanted to move, wanted to help, but was frozen in place by fear. Rey gasped as she saw a figured enter the room with large black boots.

Rey tried to keep quiet, she was hyperventilating and small cries escaped from her mouth. She watched as the boots walked slowly into the room, each step made a loud sound and made the floor creak. The figure was coming closer to the bed, Rey's heart thumped wildly, whoever was in the room with her stopped in front of the bed.

Rey involuntarily let out a small cry, she placed her hand over her mouth, trying desperately to keep herself from making any more noise. She had never been so scared, she lost control of her body and wet herself.

The figure walked away from the bed and Rey let out a small sigh of relief. Suddenly, Rey felt something grab her ankle and start to forcefully pull her from under the bed. She screamed and tried to claw at the floor to keep from being taken.

It was to no avail, whoever was pulling her was much stronger, Rey was pulled from her hiding place and picked up. She fought against whoever was holding, they placed a hand over her mouth and muffled her screams.

A familiar voice started shushing in her ear, rocking her as she stopped fighting.

Ben

He set her down so she was standing and crouched down so he was face to face with her. His dark hair was longer since she had last seen him, she reached her tiny hand out and ran her fingers through it. He gave her an affectionate smile and reached up to stroke the back of his fingers against her cheek. Rey couldn't hold back, she threw her arms around him and pushed her face into his neck and began to sob.

"Master Luke said you were never coming back!"

"Aw Rey, you know that's not true. I'm here right now aren't I?" he soothed.

He was there. Ben had told her many times before he left that Master Luke was a liar, he had been right.

"Don't leave me, please. I'm so scared! I'm so alone, I miss you so much. I love you, you can't leave me!" she cried.

She felt him rubbing her back, trying to calm her down.

"I'm not going to leave you here. I'm going to take you someplace far away from here, to keep you safe. Then when I know things are safe, I will come back for you," he told her.

"You promise?" she whispered.

"I promise, but right now I need to grab some of your belongings so we can go," he told her.

"Ben, I was scared….and I…. I had an accident."

"I know. It's okay, we will clean you up and get you changed on the ship, but we have to get going," he responded.

"What…what about the other padawans?"

Ben shook his head and replied, "It's just us now."

The dream disappeared and Rey shot up, gasping for air. It had been so real, everything about it.

"That's because it wasn't just a dream, it was a memory," a smooth voice said to her.

She jumped at the sound, not expecting it. The room was dark and she wondered how long she had been asleep for. She scanned the room and could see that Kylo Ren had cleaned up the mess he had made. She continued to look around the room when she was finally able to make him out, he was awkwardly splayed out on the couch, his eyes shut even though he was awake.

"That actually happened," she stated, but he could hear the uncertainty in her voice.

"Yes, that actually happened, Rey," he confirmed.

"You and the Knights murdered all those children."

"We did what was necessary. You already know why I spared you," he replied.

Rey swallowed and continued, "I was so scared."

"I know. I saw that same fear today, I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry I caused you to feel such fear," he told her.

Rey knew he meant it, she could feel the sincerity of his words. She wanted to scold him for scaring her, both for when she was a child and today. She wanted to yell at him for using the force to knock her out again, but she didn't. Her next words surprised both herself and Kylo Ren.

"I used to love you so much."

Kylo Ren's eyes flew open at the admission, he pushed himself off the couch and came over to sit beside her on the bed.

He turned to her and said, "Can you see now, why it tears me apart that you hate me so much now?"

Rey let out a bitter laugh, "I wish I could tell you that I hate you, but I don't. I can't even lie and say I do in order to hurt you. Even with all the horrible things you have done, I can't hate you and I don't know why."

Kylo Ren inhaled a sharp breath, he placed his hand over hers, but then thought better of it, but before he could pull it away Rey grabbed it.

Even though she would not admit it, Rey found his presence comforting and did not want him to leave. She was still shaken from the dream, from the memory she had just relived. It was too much for her, too real, the anger for Luke Skywalker, the heartache over missing the boy names Ben, the terror she experienced while the padawans were being slaughtered.

The relief she felt when she realized it was Ben who had pulled her out from under the bed. The comfort as he held her as he cried and made promises not to leave her there with Luke.

Before she could stop herself, Rey pushed herself closer to Kylo and laid her head on his shoulder. Kylo stiffened at the unexpected physical contact that Rey was voluntarily offering. He soon relaxed and placed his arm around her shoulders, stroking her hair that had become damp with sweat after reliving such a terrible memory.

Rey was content, more at peace than she could ever recall feeling. A calmness had come over her that she had never truly felt during her many years on Jakku. She had no idea how long they were sitting in that position on his bed, with her head on his shoulder and him gently running his fingers through her hair. She had closed her eyes, her mind somewhere between being awake and asleep when he spoke.

"You should try to get some more rest," he told her.

Rey lifted her head off of his shoulder and looked up at him, he was looking down at her with a tenderness that made Rey's chest tighten. It was similar to the look Ben had given her as a child as he comforted her, but she wasn't a child anymore and neither was he. His feelings for her had evolved into something more and if she was truly being honest with herself, her feelings for him had changed as well.

She couldn't help herself, she reached up and lightly pressed her lips against his. The kiss was soft and chaste, neither of them moved to deepen it. She felt a spark, though, one that traveled from her lips, down her back, and to her toes. She knew he felt it too, knew he was restraining himself from going further.

Rey pulled away, opened her eyes and looked up at Kylo's face. His eyes were still closed, but his tongue had darted out of his mouth and was licking his lips. He opened his eyes and looked down at her, his desire for her clearly evident on his face.

Kylo leaned down, intent on kissing her again. He let his guard down, his thought came rushing to Rey. Images of them kissing, their skin bare, tangled up in his sheets flashed through her mind. Rey gasped and turned her head before his lips could touch hers, instead, they landed on her cheek.

Both of them were still, his lips still on her flushed cheek. She expected him to become angry with her, but instead she felt him smirk against her skin.

He dragged his lips over to her ear and whispered, "it's okay Rey…we will play it your way, for now."

Rey was shocked and did not respond. She felt the bed shift as Kylo stood up and went to walk back over to the couch.

"Kylo wait," Rey called to him. He stopped walking and turned back to her, waiting for her to continue.

Rey swallowed and bit her bottom lip, "Stay with me…please."

Kylo did not ask her to elaborate, he already knew what she meant. He walked back over to the bed and settled himself into the covers next to her. For some time, they laid there, perfectly still and silent. He kept his space from her, cautious not to make her feel uncomfortable.

She decided that she would break the awkwardness between them. Rey grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her then turned to her side. She pushed her back into his chest and settled into him. He responded by pulling her closer to him and burying his face into her neck, breathing in the sweet smell of her skin.

Rey started to drift off to sleep, feeling serene and safe in the arms of the leader of the Knights of Ren. She had no more nightmares that night but did dream of forgotten memories.

She was back in the room she had dreamed of before, a girl no older than four was crying in the bed as a boy, around the age of fifteen ran his fingers through her long brown hair.

"Ben, stay with me…please," she cried.

The boy looked down, uneasy, "Master Luke says I shouldn't…"

The girl grabbed at his tunic looking up at him with desperate hazel eyes, "I don't care! Please, Ben! You have to stay with me, you can't leave!"

The boy nodded and pushed her over, climbing into the bed with her. He wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled up to him. His frame engulfed hers, like Kylo's frame, did with her own.

"What nightmare did you have, this time, Rey?" Ben asked.

"A man spoke to me, Ben. He was so much bigger than me, he was bigger than the whole school," she cried.

"That's not possible, Rey," he assured he.

She ignored him and continued, "He…he looked like a monster. He had gray skin and scars on his face and head where his hair is supposed to be. He had large black eyes, Ben."

"It wasn't real Rey, there was no monster," he told her.

"He said that I needed to go with him, that I needed to start my training."

The boy's eyes flew open and his entire body tensed. He pulls her closer to him and holds her tighter.

"No one is going to take you, Rey," he promised.

They both closed their eyes and quietly drifted off to sleep.

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