A/N: I promise the next one won't be such a long wait. I'm almost done with it, thanks to several days of being snowed in, and it's from Esme's POV. I love writing Esme.

Jasper

Alice was afraid. I couldn't tell if it was because of me, and what I had just revealed, or what she was about to tell me. I wanted to tell her that it would be easier to tell me than she thought, if she could just get started, but I kept my silence. She hadn't rushed me, and I couldn't rush her, either.

To be entirely honest, I already had an idea of what she was going to say. I hadn't said anything to her, but I noticed the quick stiffening of her muscles when I touched her suddenly, or if my hands started to drift a little too low for her comfort. Someone had touched her there first, some pervert.

I hated the thought that she had suffered at all, much less that someone had violated her in that way. What should have been us learning about sex and each other together would always be tainted by what had happened. Though if I were being totally fair, I was probably far more tainted than she could ever be.

"James was in college, but it was summertime, so he was home. My baby sister had just been born, so I was feeling a little put out. You know, like maybe I wasn't part of the family anymore. It was stupid, of course, but I was only four, and you know little kids think they're the center of the universe."

Four. It didn't really surprise me, just made me sad and a little sick. I supposed there wasn't much depravity left that could surprise me, but it was different because it was Alice. She should never have to be in pain, not even for a second.

She had stopped talking, a morose smile on her face as she remembered. "Anyway, that doesn't matter. What matters was that James was home and I was alone. He had always been nice to me before, so when he leaned over the fence and called me, I went with him, just like a lamb to slaughter. I didn't fight back at all, didn't scream, didn't bite or kick him . . ." She trailed off and looked me dead in the eyes. "So, you see, I know exactly what it's like to know you could have helped yourself and didn't."

I appreciated her trying, but there was a huge difference between a four-year-old who had been tricked by a kindly neighbor and a fifteen-year-old who knew exactly what his sadistic foster mother was capable of. She was speaking again, though, and I lost the chance to tell her that.

"Looking back now, I don't think he was actually all that big. Definitely not as big as Emmett, and probably not as big as you, either. But at the time, he looked huge. He just reached over the fence and picked me up, swinging me up above his head. That's what I remember best, being able to see the world from as high as a grown-up could."

It wasn't hard for me to envision it. I could see Alice, so young and tiny, her dark hair tumbling around her shoulders as she was lifted. I couldn't get a clear mental picture of James, but I could imagine his evil smile. I snuggled closer to Alice on the bed, allowing her to put her head on my chest. She did so gratefully, sighing at the contact.

"I don't actually remember what happened next—"

"Thank God."

"—but I've read the police reports and everything. James raped me." She let out a shuddering breath, and I couldn't help the responding shiver that ran through my body. "At least twice. Then he gave me a Popsicle, and lifted me back over the fence. I came home crying, but I guess I didn't look hurt, so my Mom didn't know anything was wrong until she gave me a bath that night and saw all the blood in my panties."

I really should have been used to hearing things like that, but there are some things you never get used to. How any man could be turned on by a baby like that was so far beyond me that I couldn't even begin to understand. I probably should be saying the perfect, comforting thing right now, but I had no idea what to say.

"That isn't the worst part, though." Alice's voice was getting smaller and smaller, so tiny now that I could barely hear her.

Good God, it got worse? How could it get worse? I swallowed nervously, but forced myself to nod. "Tell me." Despite my inner struggle, my voice sounded completely calm and in control.

She shook her head, tears forming and causing her eyes to shimmer in the light. "I can't."

"You can." I didn't want to hurt her, but there came a time when you had to push a little or lose what was going on. Rosalie had taught me that, among other things about being able to stand up for myself. "I won't tell anyone."

"I . . . I couldn't handle it. What he did to me, I mean. My parents couldn't, either. They loved me, but I guess I was just too much for them. They had me put in an asylum because of it. So, now you know. I'm not only spoiled goods; I've been in a damn loony bin." She was crying even harder now, her small body heaving with sobs that she couldn't seem to stop.

I couldn't let her feel like that, and my body moved of its own accord, my arms coming around her. "It's okay, I don't care about that. I mean, I do, but—"

As soon as I heard her sharp intake of breath, I knew I had screwed up again. Why was it that my body knew what she needed, but my stupid mouth always got in the way? "Not like that! It's just that . . . Fuck, I'm screwing this up." I ran a hand through my hair, knowing full well that it would be standing up like dandelion fluff if I didn't stop that soon.

"What I meant was, nothing you could tell me would make you any less perfect in my eyes. The only reason I care what happened is because of how it's affected you. I don't ever want you to be unhappy, even though I make you that way, a lot." I was still fumbling for the words, but at least she was looking me in the eye again.

"You don't." Her words were half whispered. "You don't make me unhappy."

It was really nice of her to say that, but it wasn't the truth. "Baby, I made you unhappy not thirty seconds ago."

She propped herself up on an elbow, her dark eyes taking mine in. "But not really. All right, you don't get the words out right sometimes, but you always mean well, and you always put me first. How could that possibly make me unhappy?"

My face burned, and I ducked my head so that she wouldn't see. How was it that she always managed to see my intentions, rather than my actions? If intentions counted, she would always be treated like a queen.

And if bullfrogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their asses on the ground, now would they, Jasper?

Why in the world was my inner voice always such an asshole? I don't think I'm that mean in real life. Anxious, yes, and sometimes I got nervous and acted out in strange situations, but I was almost never deliberately mean.

A finger poked my side. "Hey, I'm talking to you."

"I know. So, what you're trying to tell me is that we both got handed a shitty deal in life, but we both got through it. We're tough; we can get through this too. I hope."

She shook her head. "No, you're tough. I freaked out and ended up institutionalized."

I shrugged, causing her body to rise and fall as mine did. "Truthfully? I probably should have been on more than one occasion. The difference was that no one cared enough about me to bother."

"Really?" I could almost see the gears turning in her head.

"Sure. I mean, let's face it, I have a lot of problems."

She didn't lie to us both by attempting to deny it. She just leaned back down, her hand coming up to rest on my shoulder. "You're right. I mean, I know my birth parents loved me, and they were only trying to help me out, but it still hurts."

Boy, did I understand that. After all, I had not only been ditched by my birth mother, but she had actually committed suicide rather than take me back. Then there were the other foster homes, six if I remembered right, plus Maria. For some reason, I drove people away like a madman. "Abandonment always does."

She huffed out a breath. "I won't leave you. I mean, as long as you want me around, you'll have me. Okay?"

"I know." I kissed the top of her head again, trying to let her know that I would be there for her also. It wasn't an I love you, but it was as close as I could come. "That's all I can ask for."

"Do you think we're going to be okay?"

The innocence of the question struck me to the core. The most honest answer would have been No. A less honest, but still functional, one would have been I don't know or Maybe. The lie, which was what I knew she wanted to hear, was Yes.

I couldn't lie to Alice, though. No matter how painful the truth was, it was still better in the long term than a lie. "We can try."

She accepted the response for what is was and nodded against my chest. "You and me."

Good, she sounded like my answer had been acceptable. "Yep, you're stuck with me for now."

"I'm glad, because I don't plan on letting you go. Ever." Her tone was smug, as if all was right with her world again.

"Glad to hear it." I didn't want to spoil the moment by telling her what I was actually thinking, which was that she might not plan on it, but people always let me go in the end. Hell, even Carlisle and Esme would do it in a few weeks. They kept insisting that it was all right if I wanted to stay, but I wasn't sure if I did. Agreeing to stay after I turned eighteen would open up a new set of rules and restrictions and I doubted I'd be able to handle them. I could barely handle the ones they had now.

We both got quiet then, each absorbed in our own thoughts. Alice kept running her fingers over the exposed skin of my arms, her touch just heavy enough that I could tolerate it. I knew she could see the scars there, even in the odd lighting of her room, but I didn't pull away. She had already seen the worst scar, and she would eventually see them all anyway.

Her movements grew slower and slower as she drifted off to sleep, her hand slipping off of my arm. Telling me about James must have been exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I was pretty tired myself after my own confession, but one of us had to stay awake and aware.

Plus, I really liked watching her sleep. I know that it's all kinds of creepy, but she looks so perfect when she's asleep, like nothing could ever harm her or make her sad. Actually, she's perfect when she's awake, too, but there's just something special about the trust she places in me when she lets me hold her while she sleeps.

Despite my mental promise to stay awake, my eyes started to feel heavy. I had woken up last night to Emmett shaking me and calling my name. Apparently I had been crying and muttering about giant wolves coming out of the woods. I'm sure there's some deeper meaning there, one that Felix would be glad to tell me all about, but damn if I could figure it out.

At least Emmett had woken me up before I started screaming and bothered everyone else in the house. He was cool about it, too, just waited until he knew I was awake and not about to freak out on him, then climbed back into his own bed. There was nothing I hated more than being fussed over like a little kid. By the time I had gotten myself a drink of water and changed out of my sweat-soaked pajamas, he was snoring away again. Fine with me—I would have been too embarrassed to say anything to him if he had been awake.

The room blurred and darkened as I slipped closer to sleep, lulled by Alice's soft breathing. I was nearly out when I heard a soft voice in the doorway.

"Jasper?"

Fuck, it was Carlisle. I would have just played possum, but I was pretty sure that Carlisle knew most of my tricks by now. So I opened my eyes and looked at him straight on. I wouldn't act embarrassed or like I was doing something wrong.

"Can you come with me, please?"

The way he looked at me told me that it was really a request and not a covert command. I considered saying no, but the curious part of me was currently outweighing the fearful part, so I nodded instead.

Alice jerked when I slid out from underneath her, but a few strokes through her hair calmed her down. I knew Carlisle was waiting, but he could cool it for a few more minutes. Finally she was quiet and I stood up.

Carlisle led me to his office, where I stood stiffly and glared at him. Ever since Alice's party, I had been more uncomfortable with him than ever. I was absolutely disgusted with my own behavior that night, and I was taking it out on him. It wasn't really fair for me to do that, but I just couldn't believe that I had actually crawled into his lap like a scared kid and let him hold me like that. How fucking stupid could I be?

At least, I think that's what happened. The last thing I could clearly remember was asking for another hamburger. Then there had been fire, and hot irons and cold wind on my neck and all kinds of things that didn't make any sense.

Felix calls it dissociation, which means your body is there, but your mind is taking a little break. Everyone does it, just a little. Like when you're going home, and you know the route really well, so you sort of zone out until you hit the driveway. That's normal. Freaking out because you remember your foster mom burning you with the clothes iron? Still dissociation, but not so normal. But when had I ever been normal?

At any rate, apparently my body decided to cuddle up to Carlisle while my mind was on vacation. The next thing I knew, he was talking to me, something about flowers and dates and not being good enough (boy, did I know how that felt). I had had no idea where I was or who I was with. Hell, I barely knew who I was, and I hadn't even known if the person I was currently leaning against was real. Maria had seemed real, too, but it turned out that she wasn't.

But Carlisle was. I couldn't trust either my sight or my hearing, but I could trust my sense of touch, and he was solid under my hand. It was my only connection to reality, so I held on, needing him to keep me from falling apart.

He had been really cool about it, and taken care of my hand, which hadn't hurt at all then, but hurt like a bastard this morning. Funnily enough, when Esme had come into the room, I couldn't even look at her, even though she was the one I generally preferred. Just hearing her higher-pitched voice made me think of the knife again, and I had actually cringed against Carlisle. How's that for total humiliation?

I must have been pretty out of it still, because what I should have done was bolt the second I woke up. Sure, I wouldn't have really known where the burn cream was, or been able to get any ice, since I wasn't planning on taking a detour through the kitchen, but I had gotten through all of my burns with no medical help at all, so I knew I could do it. Instead I had remained with him, barely even noticing his arms around me.

If he hadn't drawn attention to the fact himself, I might have stayed there all night. He made me nervous as hell, but I was still so lethargic that I could barely make myself stand up, much less run. But once he made it clear that he had noticed my position, I forced myself up. I didn't run, though. If nothing else, I had managed to hold my ground.

Carlisle cleared his throat lightly, pulling me back to the present. "Jasper, there are a few things we need to talk about. You're going to be eighteen in less than three weeks."

"I know." I didn't mean for my voice to come out as harsh as it did, but I couldn't help it.

He leaned back in his chair, eyes intent on me. "Have you thought about what you want to do when that happens?"

Over the past two months, I had thought of nothing else. I was afraid to be beholden to these people, who were still little more than strangers to me. Whose fault is that, Jasper? If I stayed, I was going to be spending every day in this sort of suspended tension, always sensing that things could go wrong very quickly.

On the other hand, I didn't have any other viable choices. I had no diploma, no job, and no place to live if I didn't stay here. I had a serious medical condition and a host of mental problems. Even if I could get a job, I was going to have to quit school if I wanted to be able to pay rent. I would end up working at McDonalds until I was fifty.

Before I had been placed with the Cullens, I had never worried about my future. To be honest, had never really thought I would live to see eighteen, so thinking about life beyond that had been foolish. I had always just sort of assumed that if I made it that far, I would join the army and at least get food and a place to sleep. After all I had been through, how bad could Iraq be?

The heavy bracelet around my left wrist reminded me that that plan was no longer an option. Ignoring Carlisle for the moment, I traced my finger over the bright red medical insignia carved into the metal. I didn't flip the disk, but I knew the other etchings by heart. EPILEPSY. I had lain awake more than one night, silently tracing the letters and trying to figure out why it had all gone wrong. The army would never take me now. Not that I was that interested in the first place, but at least it had been an option.

"Jasper?" Even though his voice was gentle, that one word made rage surge up in my chest.

"I don't know. Can't everybody leave me alone about it for five minutes?"

It wasn't Carlisle's fault, and I certainly shouldn't take my anger out on him, but Felix had been up my ass about the same thing this morning and I had finally had enough. I wanted to say more, but didn't. I was afraid if I kept going, I would get hysterical and start to cry and I would fucking die before I let that happen.

"No, we can't. I'm sorry, Jasper, but this needs to be addressed now."

I couldn't even work up the energy to snarl at him, so I just sighed. "Whatever. Why does it matter, anyway? Yes, I know I can stay with you if I want and I know I can leave if I want. I'll let you know when I come to a decision."

"It matters because if you plan on leaving, we need to get you set up. Leases on apartments have to be signed, utilities turned on, things like that. You can't make a split-second decision the day of and expect things to fall into place."

Now was probably not the time to point out that almost all of my decisions were split second, made in a moment of panic. I ran a hand through my hair. "I guess you're right." I probably wasn't the first kid he had kicked out of his house, so he knew more about this than I did.

"We'll leave the question of getting an apartment alone for right now. There are other things you need to know, though, things that are just as important. Budgeting, balancing a checkbook, that sort of thing."

How stupid did he think I was? "I know how to do all that; I've been fucking doing it since I was fourteen! Who do you think ran that house?" Not Maria, that was for sure.

Carlisle didn't react at all to my little tantrum. "Good, then you don't need me to help you with that. But have you considered how you're going to get to work or school? We need to talk about bus routes, or finding a place within walking distance. You have your cell phone, and you're going to stay on our plan, for Esme's and my own comfort. We always want you to feel like you can call if you need us."

His words drove home just how desperately I did need them. I had never even thought about transportation, or having a phone. I was completely and utterly fucked, and I wasn't even eighteen years old yet. Okay, calm down. There was a way out of this, I just had to calm down and think about it.

But first I had to get Carlisle off my back. "I know. I'm just trying to think about it all." That's right, play dumb and submissive, he expects it.

"You aren't fooling me, Jasper. I know you better by now. It's all right for you to not have an answer right away. There's no shame in not knowing something, and certainly none in needing us to help you for a little bit."

Or maybe he didn't expect it. Carlisle was constantly surprising me, and I hated it. Surprises were never good, and usually ended with me bleeding. I eased from foot to foot, afraid to look him in the eyes. "Can I leave now?"

"Yes, if you want. But we need to come to some sort of a decision here. I'm going to give you another week, and then we have to talk again." He was trying to give me the graceful out, but I was beyond caring.

"Fine." My stomach had started to churn, the grim reality of the issue finally settling in. Please God, don't let me barf in Carlisle's study. I had seen his temper firsthand, and no longer had any faith that he wouldn't harm me. Esme, yes. Carlisle? No.

He probably would have said more, but my stomach gave a hard lurch, and getting sick became an inevitability rather than a worry. I bolted for the bathroom, barely taking the time to turn on the faucet before I started gagging.

The sandwich that had tasted so good on the way down wasn't nearly as great when it was coming back up. Nerves always hit my stomach first, which was one of the reason I had been underweight most of my life. My current weight was the heaviest I had ever been, and I was still on the borderline of being too thin.

When it was all over, I leaned forward, resting my head on my folded arms. I didn't even have the strength to get up and make my pitiful way to bed. Icy sweat was drying on my body, making me shiver, but I still couldn't force myself to get up.

I was nearly asleep on the bathroom floor with someone started pounding on the door.

"Jasper? What are you doing in there?" It was Alice.

"Alice, this is a bathroom. What do you think I'm doing in here? I'm peeing." I know, I know, I shouldn't lie to my girlfriend. But I didn't want her to worry about me, and I definitely didn't want her to see me like this.

She wasn't fooled. "For twenty minutes? Either you have a real problem or you're lying to me. I'll break down the door if you don't tell me the truth."

Good luck. The doors in this house weren't the cheap ones you could buy on sale at Home Depot. These were solid wood, even in the bathrooms. "You can't."

"Yes, I . . . Well, maybe not." I could almost hear the gears turning in her overexcited brain as she tried to figure out a way to get me to open the door. "Oh, it doesn't matter; I'll just open the lock."

I looked up and realized she was right. The lock was nothing but a push button, and could be opened by anyone with a butter knife. "Alice, I said I'm fine. I think I deserve a little privacy to pee by myself."

"Fine." She flounced away, and the disappointment in her voice made me want to call her back. I didn't, though, just struggled to my feet and flushed the toilet. I was leaning forward to get a drink from the sink when the door burst open. Sure enough, there was Alice, holding a letter opener in one fist.

"I thought I told you to go away." I couldn't force any venom into my words, and she wasn't at all offended.

"No, you said that you needed privacy to pee. You clearly aren't peeing, so you don't need the privacy. So I opened the door." She took in my appearance. "What's wrong, did you get sick?"

There was no point in denying it, so I nodded. "I'm all right now. I just got a little nervous."

"Poor baby." She reached for me, and I made it easier by lowering my head so she could brush the hair out of my eyes. "Come back upstairs for a while."

I would have followed her anywhere, and she knew it. So I wasn't surprised when she didn't look back at all, just trusted that I would follow her. I did, and she led me back upstairs, to my own room this time. I didn't really like it in there, even though it was, by far, the nicest room I'd ever had. It was too big, and empty, and I never quite felt safe inside of it. Now it would be all right, though. Now Alice was there.

She turned her back while I changed out of my sweat-drenched t-shirt and into something more comfortable. There would be no denying sleep now; I was still too tired from earlier. The move was probably more for her benefit than mine—after all, she didn't have any good memories associated with naked men—but I was grateful all the same. She had been very accepting of the scars on my arms, but she would flip if she saw what the rest of me looked like. Maria was nothing if not clever, and she knew all the little tricks to keep an injury hidden. "Okay, turn around."

She spun so quickly that I'm surprised she didn't fall. "Good. Now lie down for a while. You don't have to sleep if you don't want to, but you need a chance to chill out completely."

I rather doubted that I had ever chilled out completely in my entire life. Maybe when I was still a baby and lived with my real mom, but probably not even then. I just have a nervous, high-strung disposition. Unfortunately, a nervous stomach pretty much comes with the territory.

But I didn't want to disappoint Alice, so I lay down in bed, curling up as small as I could. No sense in making more of a target out of myself than I had to.

If Alice noticed the defensive posturing, she didn't mention it. Instead she sat on the edge of the bed. "So, what happened?"

I would have told anyone else to fuck off, but Alice would never repeat anything I told her, whether it was in her best interest or not. Her not even telling her parents that she had seen me having at least one mini-seizure was proof of that. "Your Dad was just kind of . . . I don't know. He wanted to talk about my birthday, and what's going to happen, and I just can't deal with it right now."

"Ah, the dreaded 'when you turn eighteen' talk. It's worse than the sex one, isn't it?" She ran her fingers through my hair, no doubt trying to get it to lay down in some semblance of order. I could have told her there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of that happening, but I liked the feeling, so I kept my mouth closed. "Don't let him get you too upset, he's just trying to help. You'll know the right thing to do when the time comes."

Her confidence was a little unnerving. How could this little girl, whom I had known for not even three months, know me better than I knew myself? "Think so?" It was nice to have someone take some of the pressure off of me.

"I know so. I know you haven't been with us for very long, so I'll let you in on a little secret: no one bets against me. Ever." She must have decided that my hair was a lost cause, because the hand slid to my back, her fingernails scraping my spine and making me shiver. "Sorry, do you need a blanket?"

No, I need you. I respect you, and maybe even love you, but I'm seventeen years old! I have a sex drive, you know. I was totally disgusted with myself for having those thoughts, especially about Alice, who deserved to be worshipped as a living goddess. God damn, she had just confessed to being raped by some pervert and here I was wanting to have sex with her. If nothing else, it proved that I couldn't be trusted, not only around her, but any woman, period.

"Jasper, are you awake?" Her voice became soft, and her hand stilled. I gave her a tight nod. "Are you cold?"

"No, you just surprised me a little. It feels good, though." Way too good.

She started rubbing again, and after I had given my body a strong admonishment to behave itself or else, I was able to relax into her touch. It wasn't that I thought I would suddenly turn into a crazed animal and attack her—I had much better control than that—but my thoughts were very disrespectful.

I supposed I should be thankful to Maria for one thing, though. What she had put me through had given me the ability to shut off my body, diminishing the worst pain into something bearable. All I had to do was concentrate, and I could do the same thing with pleasure. Maybe not entirely, because I did like her rubbing my back in a non-sexual sense as well, but enough so that I wouldn't scare her. She had confidence in me doing the right thing at the right time, and, as much as I wanted her, this was neither of those.

It was getting harder and harder to think at all, and I was at the point where I either needed to get up or admit that I was crashing out. Carlisle was always up my ass about not napping during the day, since it seemed that I had worse night terrors when I did, but on the other hand, if I didn't sleep when my body was telling me it needed it, I was more likely to have a seizure. It was times like this that it was really hard for me not to hate Maria.

Then Alice started humming absently, a tune I thought I should remember from somewhere. The battle was lost as I heaved out a last breath, the world going dim as my eyes fluttered shut. As sleep descended, I swore I felt Alice's lips at my ear.

"Don't worry. I'll take care of you."