A day before I was due to see Kurt I got the call that I was dreading.
I had been sitting at my desk doing school work, as usual, when my phone rang.
"Hello?" I said without checking the caller ID.
"Mr. Anderson?"
"This is he. Who is calling, if I may ask?"
"We are calling in regards to a Mr. Hummel. This is the number given in his paperwork. You are in charge of his medical proceedings?"
"Yes ma'am. I am," I sighed. I didn't want to have this control. To be "in charge" of Kurt in any way, but this was something that he couldn't do at the moment, so I am taking on the responsibility. I have to sign off on everything they do to him, because he is not in the state of mind to give consent.
"And thus far, you are the only person approved to visit him while he is in hospital."
"Correct…" where was this going?
"The doctors have thought long and hard about their decision, and, together with Kurt's therapist, they have decised that it is best that they suspend your visits until Kurt is farther along in his progress."
That was the moment my world stopped. I could handle Kurt being in hospital, as long as I knew that I could see him. But knowing that I could be something that was keeping Kurt from recovery, that was a thought that I could not handle.
After I did not respond the woman continued. "We also believe that it is best that you come in, as often as you want, and talk to one of our therapists. You don't have to go through this alone. Please think about it."
I was something that was hurting Kurt. I was keeping Kurt from getting better. I was holding him back, just by seeing him every two weeks.
"Have a nice day, Mr. Anderson. Call if you have any questions." Hearing no reply the woman hung up.
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I sat across from the therapist that was assigned to me, I call him Doc.
I can never remember peoples names.
Everyone seems to think this is a problem, but I just don't care enough to remember.
He was nice enough. He didn't yell, or get upset when I couldn't control myself.
That's such a weird thought, control myself.
If I really am me, then I should be able to control myself all the time, because I am always me.
Does that mean sometimes I'm not me?
Then, if I'm not me, who-
"Kurt?" Doc said in a neutral tone, making me snap out of my thoughts.
I look at him.
"How are you feeling today?"
The chair is uncomfortable, but I mustn't move or else he will think something is wrong, and I have to get better for Blaine.
Blaine.
I haven't seen him in a while.
"Why hasn't Blaine been to see me?" I ask, looking just over his head, hoping that I'm fooling him into thinking that I'm looking at him.
I don't like looking at people, especially when I have to talk to them.
I feel like they can see my thoughts.
I don't want people to see into my head.
"He has been to see you," Doc says.
"Yes," I say, trying not to roll my eyes. "But he hasn't been recently." Maybe he doesn't love me anymore.
Oliver said that could happen.
"We talked about this in our session yesterday. Do you not remember?" Doc says, his voice laced with concern.
I wracked my brain for what we talked about yesterday and all I could remember was that he was wearing a tie with 27 spots.
Nothing about Blaine.
Maybe he told me that Blaine had called him and said that he didn't love me anymore.
I didn't want that.
"We decided that it would be best if you did some of your treatment alone, Blaine will be able to see you again when you are ready. He is still supporting you Kurt. But you are the one going through treatment. Not him."
I am in this alone.
Oliver is right.
Blaine doesn't love me.
I should have seen this coming.
"Kurt, try to control your breathing. In and out."
What will I do when I get out of here?
Will I ever get out of here?
Oliver stood up from his chair in the corner. "Kurt, you know that you are never getting out of here. Why do you think Blaine stopped coming?"
I thought he loved me?
Why doesn't he love me anymore?
"He knows you are a lost cause, Kurt," Oliver said.
No.
I will be better.
For Blaine.
I will be perfect again.
I have to be perfect.
Doc was saying things, but I wasn't listening anymore.
I was trying to make myself perfect.
To get Blaine back.