Sitting in my green chair looking out the window, can I call it that? I'm stuck in my own head even when the sun is setting and I should feel this appreciation for its' beauty. I sigh melodramatically and munch on my Kit-Kat, reflecting current events. I've come to a conclusion.
Edward is not going to keep me down anymore. I've had enough. I've gone through the motions, pain and crying, resentment and anger, and now, acceptance. I've faced that the person I believed to be my all is not for me. I can't remain in a state of wanting someone that obviously didn't want me, didn't need me. It hurt so bad I wanted the earth to crumble and engulf me. I couldn't stand because every time I stood I fell from the pain pulling me harder than gravity to the ground. Edward was like my crutch holding me up and when he walked away I fell and didn't know how I was every going to get back up. I've done more thinking-more like over thinking- sitting here alone, so much that my only conclusion is that I need to move on. I need to reevaluate my life and make new plans for myself to start over without him. This isn't the end of me, it is the beginning.
Moving on is easier said than done. I took the first step and decided to take up on Mike's offer to go to the movies. I didn't want to go but this is a baby step towards getting back to being me, or a new version of me. What a mistake it was to go on that date.
Jake. He has slowly become the person to come to me, hold out his hand to help me back up to my feet. The date with Mike made things worse for Jake's and my friendship. Since then he has stopped talking to me I can't even fault him for being upset, I friend zoned him and he was hurt. He's been my best friend and I don't feel how I know he feels for me. I'm not trying to lead him on but I need a friend and I guess I'll take him anyway I can have him.
He wasn't just ignoring my phone calls either. No. It went farther than that. I called his house instead of just his cell and even Billy brushed me off like the broccoli on his plate, with disgust.
My thoughts have revolved back around to Edward. He is mesmerizing, he has this power over women urgh. I was so stupid. I got lost and let myself be driven and manipulated like a play thing; a doll. In a way it was a good thing that Edward left. I can think again. I was so focused on Edward I forgot about living life.
Everyone in my life keeps giving up on me and I just let them, but not anymore. I'm going to get what I want
Jake. God, he's so annoying, being a big baby about all this. He hates me. I've texted him. I've called, emailed. I got the hint. He's going to be the first thing in my life I don't let pass through my fingers.
I'm done sitting around waiting for more people I care about to leave me. It's time to take things into my own hands.
I take the last bite of chocolate and throw away the wrapper. Tomorrow will be a new day. Goodnight.