This is a time stamp to "Lessons Learned" - a peek to what happened with Spencer while the boys were on Gabriel's deserted island
"Spencer takes a big step towards trusting the archangel and learns a little more about himself in the process."
Time Stamp: Nightmares and Phone Calls
It was coming.
He ran as fast as he could, his feet slapping against the hard ground in a beat that echoed the pounding of his heart. The sound was muffled slightly by the heavy fog that lay over the world around him. The air was thick and heavy and the sun long since gone. Only darkness remained. Even the moon was dim, the faint light it cast nothing more than a hint through the dark and death that was all around. Tendrils of that darkness crept out, reaching for him, curling towards his ankles to try and trip him, to catch him and hold him. Darkness behind and darkness ahead, blurring where he'd been and obscuring where he was going.
Still, he ran.
It was coming.
There was no time to stop, no time to breathe, no time to do anything but run. Run, one foot in front of the other, as fast as he could. His chest was heaving and his muscles screaming, and still he ran. Behind him, his wings whipped in the air, leaving a trail of feathers and blood. Battle wounds. Injuries taken to protect those he loved, those he held dearest. Injuries to show his success – and his failure.
The screech of a crow rent the air.
It was coming.
Faster and faster he ran. Where, he didn't know, only that he had to go. He had to go there now. Leaping over the rocks, he sprinted up the pathway that appeared, up to the giant doors of the castle ahead and straight into the great hall. Once shining in its glory, now slick with blood. He stumbled and fell and righted himself and kept on running. Kept going, to the end of the hall and the cold stone stairs. Behind him, he heard the smoky laugh – closer.
It was coming.
Up, up, up, faster and faster. He couldn't stop. Palms slapped against the wall as he took the corner so fast he almost fell. Where he landed, a smear of blood was left behind. His, theirs, it didn't matter anymore.
It was coming.
The door slapped against the hard stone wall as he burst out onto the roof. The world opened up around him. The moon, the stars, almost blotted out by the thick dark that tried to smother and consume them all. The darkness climbed the great stone walls, creeping and oozing over the edge, twisting and curling all in a terrifying dance towards him. In the air he heard the sound of the crows, the howl of the wolf, and the screams of the dead. There would be no more running here. Bare feet slid over the ground as he finally stopped running. As he stood there in this place he'd seen so many times before. A place where he would make his stand. A place where he would fight for himself, for his family, for the world and all that surrounded it.
A place where he would die.
It was coming.
His body was braced and his wings were lifted high. There was fear, stronger than anything he'd felt before, and rage. This would end – now.
Cool metal slipped into his hand. The weight of his sword rested there, both heavier and lighter than ever before. It was stained with the blood of those both innocent and not. Stained a thousand times over in a war he'd never wanted a part of and which had never given him any choice. One last time he would raise it. One last time he would wield it. He was ready.
It was coming.
The door opened once more and the darkness seemed to part at the arrival of its master. From the shadows it stepped, a living nightmare made flesh, and the whole world held its breath in fear.
It was here.
Spencer woke with a gasp, only long-time practice keeping his scream locked behind his teeth. Curled up as he'd been, his body fought to get free of the blankets, almost sending him flying off the bed when they wouldn't let him free. He finally got them off him and ended up sitting up on one hip, his hands pressed flat to the bed and his whole body shaking as he fought to get the terror under control. The light coming in from the skylight lit up his bed in a soft glow that wasn't quite enough to chase away the cold terror that his dream left behind.
It'd been months since he'd last had that dream. Spencer curled his fingers into the bedding and sucked in another heavy breath. His lungs felt like they were too tight, not getting the air he knew they were breathing in. It was the same every time. He'd been having this dream, and others like it, for as long as he could remember. Sometimes months would go past without it cropping up. Sometimes it hit him every single night for a week straight. There was no rhyme or reason behind them. His mother had always chalked it up to a brilliant mind and an overactive imagination. One psychologist Spencer had seen during college had told him that it was his own inner fears and demons manifesting all the things that he suppressed during the day.
Whatever it was, it was horrible. The nightmares left him feeling cold and shaky. When he was younger, he'd used to climb into his mother's bed and let her cradle him close and whisper to him that it wasn't real. As he got older, he'd learned to cope with it on his own.
It was embarrassing to admit just how much he wished he had a safe bed to crawl into right now with someone who would tell him it was all going to be okay.
He remembered the last time he'd told anyone about a dream of his. That one hadn't even been as bad as this. All he'd told Derek was that he was having nightmares, nothing really in depth or detailed, and what had the man done? He'd turned around and spoken to Gideon behind Spencer's back. Sure, the senior profiler had helped him out in the end. Spencer wouldn't deny that. However, the fact of the matter remained that Spencer had told Derek. He hadn't asked him to talk to other people, hadn't wanted anyone else to know at all, really. He'd just wanted to tell someone he considered a friend and maybe get a bit of advice.
They'd gotten closer since then, he and Derek, but Spencer never forgot the lesson he learned that day. It was hard to truly trust someone when you had to worry that what you said to them was only going to be passed along to someone else.
The chill of that terrifying darkness washed over him once more, pulling him out of his thoughts and back towards the nightmare he could still feel sitting under his skin. He swore he could still feel as the cold, thick dark tried to curl around his ankle, tried to trip him up. He never knew what exactly that darkness was or why it was trying to stop him, only that if it did, the things it would do to him would be horror beyond any of his imaginings. A shudder ran down Spencer and he felt his grace shudder right along with him. A few things in his room rattled and shook in their places. Even the table moved a little with the release of his grace.
As he fought to get himself back under control, he heard a voice he hadn't expected to hear calling out something he couldn't understand. Was that really Gabriel? Spencer ignored the way his grace leapt up in what felt like relief. The last he knew Gabriel was still off 'teaching a lesson' to the Winchesters and keeping watch over what he was doing. He'd laid it all out for Spencer before going, and he'd warned him he'd be gone a few days at the very least. Having him show up now was rather surprising. But that was Gabriel's voice, calling out his name.
Spencer looked up as his door snapped open and the archangel stumbled in. For a moment Spencer wondered why he hadn't just flown in before Gabriel pressed up against something that couldn't be seen and Spencer realized that his grace was a bit more out of control than he'd noticed. It was pushing out, pushing things back. He fought to tug it back in.
It must've worked somewhat because Gabriel was no longer leaning against an invisible barrier. He was hurrying forward and straight towards him.
Much to Spencer's surprise, the trickster didn't stop when he got close. Without hesitation he scrambled up onto the bed and right over to Spencer. The surprises just kept coming as Gabriel gathered him up like he was a child. He ignored Spencer's initial flinch at physical contact and just pulled him in close, already shushing him in a way that Spencer hadn't heard since he was very, very small. Six huge wings curled protectively around them. At the same time, Spencer felt what had become a familiar sensation around him, one that he knew was Gabriel wrapping his grace in a protective shield around Spencer so his powers couldn't blaze out of control. It should've all felt confining and maybe even a bit smothering. Spencer was an adult, not a child. He knew how to deal with this all on his own.
Spencer opened his mouth to tell Gabriel all of that, only to end up mortified at the pathetic sounding whimper that broke free.
"Shh, shh." Gabriel murmured soothingly, pulling Spencer in impossibly closer. "It's all right, baby bird. It was just a dream. You're safe now. Shh, shh."
The young fledgling found that he was actually in Gabriel's lap now and not just pulled up to him. It was mortifying – he couldn't seem to pull away. He didn't even realize that he'd let go of the bed and grabbed hold of Gabriel's shirt until he looked down and saw his hands curled tight in fabric that was straining against the strength he'd found increasing with every day.
Under the protection of Gabriel's wings and grace and pressed in close to the warmth of his body, the chill and the fear that Spencer's dream had left in him were slowly fading away. It was that more than anything else that convinced Spencer that he could freak out about things later. Right here, right now, Gabriel was giving him something he never would've dared actually ask for, and Spencer was going to be selfish and stupid enough to take it.
His body compacted impossibly small as he curled his legs up and let himself lean in against Gabriel's chest. Immediately, the arms around him tightened. "That's it, kiddo. There you go. I got ya."
Another shudder ran down Spencer and shook the both of them with the force of it. In response, he felt the soft brush of Gabriel's wing stroke over his back. Closing his eyes, Spencer turned his face in against Gabriel's shirt and tried not to hate himself for being weak enough to need this. "S-Sorry."
"Shut up." Gabriel said fondly. He slid one hand up until he could slip his fingers into Spencer's hair. Then he started to scratch lightly at his scalp in a way that was immensely soothing. "I'm a big brother and a father, kiddo. You're not the first person I've held after a nightmare – and you're not the oldest, either, before you go thinking that you're too old for this. So don't you apologize to me."
How could he argue with that? Especially when his grace wanted nothing more than to take the comfort being offered here. Caught up between the fear of his dream and the needy child inside of him that was screaming for this, Spencer did something he had so far not dared to do. He let go of his reservations and questions and fears and he trusted, not just in Gabriel, but in his own grace. He trusted the instincts that were begging to take over.
Curling up against the archangel, he let himself go.
Immediately his grace reached out for Gabriel's. He felt the archangel startle slightly, felt his stunned sort of joy, and then Gabriel's grace was reaching back. It wrapped around him the same as the arms and wings that already held him. It didn't dive in, didn't delve around, didn't press anything onto him. Gabriel simply used it to hold him and offer a wordless stream of warmth and protection. A promise of safety like nothing Spencer had ever known before.
He realized belatedly that he was crying. His cheeks were wet with it. Embarrassed, he curled in, body and grace. "I'm sorry."
Reassurance and affection pulsed from Gabriel's grace to his. At the same time, the trickster pressed what felt like a kiss against Spencer's hair. "I told you, you don't have to be."
"This just…" Spencer squeezed his eyes shut, his cheeks burning with his blush. "This isn't me. I don't, I don't act like this."
A firm hand caught his chin and Spencer found his head tilted up until he could meet serious amber eyes. There was no trace of Gabriel's usual humor there. In that moment, the archangel shone through the façade that he usually wore, and there was weight and years of wisdom behind his words. "Spencer, I know this is all confusing for you, but you gotta understand some things. Your body is an adult male human, but your grace, it's just a baby. Not even a year old. That doesn't just mean immature powers – it comes with its own set of instincts. You're basically a human adult and an angel child shoved into one body. You're gonna have to expect sometimes that your inner child is gonna show through. An I mean that literally. This, here? This is a bit of that. And there's not a damn thing you should be ashamed of."
He let go of Spencer's chin and didn't stop the fledgling from curling back into him again. Putting his hand back in Spencer's hair, he scratched at his scalp once more in that same, soothing gesture. "You wanna talk about it, kiddo?"
Quickly, Spencer shook his head. No, no, no, absolutely not. There was no way he wanted to try and put into words the fear that dream put in him. Just thinking about it made him shiver and press even closer to the archangel. He swore he could feel that dark chill reaching out for the light inside of him.
"Okay, okay." Gabriel said quickly. His grace curled around Spencer's and offered him protection and comfort. "We don't have to talk about it, little bird, don't worry. Why don't we try distraction instead? You been practicing your illusions like I showed you?" He paused and Spencer nodded against his chest. "Perfect. Okay, lay back here with me."
He didn't really give Spencer much of a choice. Twisting them around, Gabriel laid back on the bed and dragged Spencer down with him. They ended up lying side by side, with Spencer actually lying on top of Gabriel's left three wings and his head on the archangel's shoulder, that arm wrapped around him. The young genius was startled to find that not only were they the most comfortable thing he'd ever laid on, his weight didn't seem to bother Gabriel in the least bit.
Gabriel wiggled around until they were both comfortable. Then he used the arm he had around Spencer to give him a small squeeze. "All right. So, distraction. Make an illusion for me, kiddo. We can start with a simple picture like I did for you the other night. Think you can do it?"
When Gabriel had started to show him how to make illusions with his powers, he'd started them off on making simple pictures. Images that were as clear and flat as a photo. Later, he said, they'd work up to making full-fledged constructs like he could do. Making a picture had proved a lot easier than Spencer anticipated. He'd gotten quite good at that in his practicing. And Gabriel was right, doing this would force him to concentrate and it would definitely work as a distraction.
Spencer took a moment to breathe deep and try to center himself. He ignored the chill still in him and let the comfort of the archangel take away his fears. Then, drawing on what Gabriel had taught him, he focused his mind firmly on the image that he wanted, every single detail of it, before lifting his hand and giving a snap. The image appeared above them floating in the air in an almost perfect replica of the one Spencer had been thinking of. The only thing off was his background. It was still a little hazy. He'd focused too much on the people and not enough on everything else.
Curled up the way he still was, he easily felt it as Gabriel chuckled. The sound vibrated his chest and echoed through his wings. It also made his grace warm and curl. "Oh, man, those boys are gonna love you. Of all my habits to pick up…"
Spencer furrowed his brow and tipped his head enough to look up at him. "What?"
"I'm kind of known for my snapping." Gabriel explained, mirth dancing in his eyes and curling up his lips. "You've picked up my trademark move there, little bird."
Oh. Spencer's cheeks warmed and he dropped his head back down to Gabriel's shoulder so he wouldn't have to show his face. "It…helps. I can do it without – sort of – but the gesture seems to make it easier to focus my li—grace to do what I need it to."
"Oh trust me, kiddo, I know. We all learn little tricks to help us focus when we're little. Raphael used to flutter his middle wings each time he tried to do something. An Cassie used to blink. Every single time he did something, he blinked first. It was funny to watch." Gabriel chuckled and it was easy to tell this was a fond memory for him. "Ah, well, anyways, you did a great job here. Bit fuzzy in the back, but good. Friends of yours?"
This time it was Spencer who wore the fond smile. He didn't realize how everything about him, grace included, softened slightly. "That's my team." His friends – his family. "This is one of my favorite pictures of them. It's from, before." Before the drugs, before Georgia. Before his life had hit rock bottom and he'd tried to destroy everything.
"Tell me about them?"
The honest question earned an answer that Spencer might not have given any other time. Spencer was slowly relaxing more and more from his nightmare and he found himself surprisingly safe and comfortable here in a way he didn't know if he ever had been with anyone but his mom before. It was…nice. And there was a part of him that liked the idea of introducing Gabriel to his 'family'. It was part of why he'd picked this picture as his demonstration.
Lifting one hand, Spencer started on the right and slowly walked the archangel through his friends.
"That one there on the end is Aaron Hotchner. He and the guy next to him, Jason Gideon, are the ones that are in charge of our unit. I think officially, Hotch might be our actual 'boss', but he's not afraid to admit that Gideon has more experience in profiling than he does and so he defers to him in a lot of issues. He's not afraid to speak his mind, though. He comes off as serious and tough to everyone else but really, JJ calls him a 'marshmallow'. Hotch is…he's a good guy." He'd been willing to give Spencer a chance when a lot of other agents wouldn't have. He'd accepted Jason's request to have Spencer on their team and had worked to help make him fit in a place that wasn't really built for someone like him. Instead of forcing him to the mold, Aaron and Jason both had helped mold things around him until the spot fit Spencer.
"Gideon…" Spencer paused, thinking about how to describe his friend – his mentor. "He's the one that got me to the BAU. I attended a lecture of his and we got into a debate in class about a profile the local LAPD had been working on for a serial case they'd refused to call in assistance on. Gideon called me out right on the spot and asked if I'd ever thought of joining the Bureau."
"He seems like a good guy." Gabriel said.
Spencer smiled. "He is. He's mentored me since the day I came in, making sure that I got through the Academy okay and that I transitioned into the BAU without any serious troubles. Without him, I wouldn't be there."
"Who's the hot chick next to him?"
That made Spencer chuckle. He nudged at Gabriel with his shoulder, a silent rebuff, but he knew his smile could be heard in his voice. "Don't let her hear you talk like that. That's Emily Prentiss. She's still sort of what you might consider 'new' to us. She hasn't even been with us for a year yet. But she's smart and she's tough. Morgan says she's one of those women that can kick your ass and keep on smiling the whole time." It was a phrase that Derek had actually said to her face and Emily had just laughed at him, just like Gabriel was laughing now. Smiling, Spencer sighed out a breath, unconsciously slipping in just a little closer against Gabriel's side. "Next to her is JJ. She's our media liaison."
"Media liaison?"
"She's the one that deals with the press. But really, she's so much more than that. She picks out our cases, presents them to the team, coordinates with local law enforcement for us, handles any press conferences…"
"So she pretty much takes care of everything so you guys only have to think about profiling." Gabriel said.
It was an accurate description. Spencer nodded his head against Gabriel's shoulder. "Yeah. We can all admit we'd be lost without her. She's good at her job and she…she cares. Even after all we've seen, she still cares. Sometimes more than is probably good for her. Sometimes I think she just sort of adopted all of us. Between her and Garcia, we've definitely got the mothering dynamic of our group taken care of." JJ acted like Spencer figured a big sister would act.
Gabriel's hand appeared in his line of vision, gesturing to the only female left in the picture. "I take it that gorgeous girl there is Garcia?"
"Penelope Garcia, our resident technical analyst." Spencer said, warm and fond. It was hard not to talk about Penelope without smiling. She just had that effect on people. "She's a hacker the FBI hired instead of arresting. She's bright, warm, funny," tiling his head, Spencer looked up at towards Gabriel and dryly finished "and she's worse with nicknames than you are."
He wasn't surprised at the way that made Gabriel smirk. "I think I like her already."
"I think she'd like you, too."
Settling back in, Spencer let his eyes drift closed a little as he moved on to the last person. He didn't have to look to give his descriptions. "The last one on the end there is Derek Morgan. He's…Morgan kind of comes off like the typical tough guy. Big, muscled, works out, used to play sports. But he's nothing like any jock I've ever met. He's been nice to me from pretty much the first day I joined. He picks on me but it's more, well, kind of like you. It's not hurtful or anything like that. And he makes sure no one else tries anything. He listens, too, and he lets me know when I start to ramble too long or too much. He's a good man."
"So are you and any of them…y'know?" Gabriel clicked his tongue in a strange sort of way and Spencer twisted just enough to be able to look at him, watching with confusion as the archangel wiggled his eyebrows. "What are you talking about?" Spencer asked. He had the strange feeling he was missing something here; sadly, that was a sensation he was sort of used to when it came to human interactions.
He watched a familiar play of emotions slide across Gabriel's face. It was the look everyone got when Spencer showed that, yet again, he didn't get the strange things that people did or said to one another. Only, instead of mocking him as most people did, Gabriel grinned broadly and let out a warm laugh that wasn't the least bit malicious. The arm around him squeezed him in close. "Oh, Dad help me, how on earth did an innocent thing like you get stuck with someone like me?" Gabriel asked. He didn't sound upset, though, and Spencer had a feeling the question was more rhetorical than anything else. Gabriel shook his head at him. "You can Cassie are gonna get along like crazy. You're too much alike. But I wouldn't have you guys any other way."
"Um…thank you?" He wasn't quite sure if that had been a compliment or not.
Gabriel shook his head again and chuckled. Then he gestured with his chin back up towards the photo. "So, how come you're not in the picture?"
"I was the one holding the camera." Spencer said slowly, still not quite sure what he'd missed. He watched Gabriel a second longer before deciding it wasn't worth pursuing. "I'm not all that fond of having my picture taken. Besides, I've always liked to take pictures." When he was once more resting comfortably, he looked up at his friends, taking them all in. God, he missed them. He'd been so horrible to them recently. After Georgia, everything had just gone to hell for him. The drugs Tobias had given him, the drugs he'd continued to take on his own, his behavior as he'd come off them – he'd put them through so much.
There was still a small part of him that was angry with them. They'd seen how far down he was sinking and none of them had said a word. Oh, he knew why they hadn't acknowledged the drugs he knew they knew about. They'd been trying to protect him and his job. What they didn't admit to, they could pretend not to know later. Acknowledging it made it real. But part of him wished they'd stepped up and said something. He wished he'd meant more to them than his job did. Still, "I wish I knew what the Winchesters did with my phone. If my dates are correct, my leave ends in two days. My team's going to be expecting me to return." What he was going to tell them, he had no idea. Sighing, Spencer let a little of his grace reach out and wipe away the image above them.
The largest of Gabriel's wings curled around Spencer like a soft blanket. At the same time, he heard a snap and suddenly he could see his messenger bag sitting on the other side of the bed. "There! One phone, along with a bag full of stuff. Now you can give them a call."
"What do I tell them?" Spencer asked quietly. "I can't exactly say I'm taking time off for the apocalypse."
He felt Gabriel's chest vibrate as he chuckled. "Yeah, I doubt that'd go over to well. I'm sure you'll figure out something, little bird. Just use that big ol brain of yours." His arm around Spencer moved and suddenly he ruffled Spencer's hair, laughing as the fledgling tried to duck away. When Spencer scowled at him, it only made him laugh even harder.
A few hours later Spencer sat on the front steps of the beach house with his cell phone in his hand. He and Gabriel had spent a little while longer hanging out in bed and talking together, practicing Spencer's illusions, before finally deciding to get up when Spencer decided he was hungry. Their time spent lying there had left Spencer just a bit embarrassed. It should've been awkward, or weird, or strange, but it hadn't. Spencer had felt more relaxed there than he could remember being – ever.
Maybe it really did have something to do with these instincts that Gabriel claimed his grace gave him. Spencer had felt like a child laying there in Gabriel's wings, their graces mingling together in what Gabriel had called a 'communion'. Apparently it was something angels did with each other back before the wars made everyone so secretive. It hadn't been some in depth sharing like the archangel said it could be, where they opened themselves up totally to one another. It was just a sharing of emotions and affection. It had felt…amazing.
However, that had been hours ago. Now Gabriel was gone once more, having apparently heard something from his little pocket world where he was holding the boys, and Spencer was left here staring at his phone and trying to figure out what he was going to say or do.
There were two voicemails on his phone. Before making any calls, he figured he should probably listen to those first.
He wasn't surprised that the first voice that played was JJ's. "Hey, Spence. I know you're probably busy with your Mom an such, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Give me a call if you get the chance. If not, I guess I'll see you when you get home. Take care!" He found himself smiling as he listened to her familiar, friendly voice.
The next message was from Derek. "Hey there, kid, it's Morgan. Listen, JJ's been getting a little worried with your radio silence the past few days. Is everything all right? Do I need to have Garcia track your phone so I can come out there and kick some ass?" That threat was pure Derek and Spencer laughed lowly. It was delivered in a teasing voice, though Spencer knew his friend would follow through with it if he really did feel it was warranted. "Hopefully you're just having a good time. I wanna hear all about it when you get back!"
Spencer felt a wave of homesickness wash over him. He looked down at his now silent phone and wished that he didn't have to do this. He wished there were any other options. Asking for more time off was going to be easy enough, he knew. Jason would grant it to him. The man had felt that Spencer wasn't taking enough time when he'd planned this trip and he'd tried to convince Spencer to take more. But Spencer had no idea when he was going to be able to come back. This wasn't going to be just simply asking for time off. This was going to be him asking for an indefinite leave. There was no telling how long it would take for the apocalypse to be stopped and Spencer held no illusions about the safety of their endeavor. There was nothing that he could think of that was more dangerous than facing off against Heaven and Hell, Michael and Lucifer.
The thought of not being able to see his friends and family again put a pit in the bottom of Spencer's stomach that made him feel nauseous. This is the right thing to do, he told himself. Everyone talks about how powerful I am, or will be. And the Winchesters seemed rather desperate. If my assistance can help to win this and save the world, how on earth can I walk away? I have to help. I have to try.
Taking a deep breath, Spencer looked back down at his phone again. Then, he dialed. It was time to get things taken care of. No matter how much it might hurt him to do this, or how much it might worry his friends, it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. He just wished for once that the right thing didn't hurt so much to do.