"When the remaining pilar, that final structure which supports life vanishes;
if in the end even Hope has been abandoned, then there really is nothing left.
Then all has been lost."

- Anonymous -

The guilt he feels begins to consume him, starts carving out a hollow place where his heart used to be.

His friends, his 'ohana maintains a steady vigilance, surrounding him 24/7 all throughout that first week after the accident; gathers around him and holds him up when they finally lay Danny down to rest in the cold, cold ground and Steve completely loses it; tries to pull him back from the edge on which he seems to teeter. They can sense his dispair, and know by the few words he has uttered that Steve blames himself for the accident; takes full responsibility for the horror with which they have been confronted; stands up and pleads guilty to the fact that one of their best friends is no longer around.

They try and convince him that he's wrong, that he's not to blame. He refuses to accept their words. And every day he turns a little more inwards, and soon he stops talking, stops listening, stops caring.

Stops living.

The house, once the pride and joy of his parents, the place which held his best memories, is a mess.

He no longer cares about keeping it tidy, keeping it in order. Nobody comes over to see its condition anyway; nobody comes over to see his condition, either. Not that he'd care if they did. Or didn't. These days, there's nothing Steve cares about anymore.

Some small, separate, still functioning part of his brain acknowledges the fact that he has been steadily pushing people from his life, has been thwarting their attempts to bring him back into the circle of friends, the circle of 'ohana; that he no longer wants to be a part of it. He still functions within his job, basically going through the motions; gives orders, takes down suspects.

But his heart is no longer involved.

Because his heart, his compassion, his ability to love lies buried in a lonely grave, together with the man he once loved. Still loves. Longs to be with, for every second of the day, with every breath he takes. Everything else is just circumstantial, just a means to get through yet another day until the time comes when he can join the one he lost.

And he wants that day to come soon.

Dannys little girl, Danny's little monkey, Gracie ... he's pushed her away as well.

Not because he's angry with her, or doesn't care about her anymore. If anything, he cares too much. Those first weeks after Danny's death, they continue the normal visitation routine; she comes over for the weekend, and he tries, oh God he tries to act normal. But he cringes every time she gets this certain look, makes this certain gesture, and all he can see is her father in her.

All he can see is Danny looking out of her eyes.

And instead of that bringing some form of comfort, instead of being grateful that at least some part of the man is still around, instead of those little bits of Danny filling him with warm memories and offering him sufficient reason to stay grounded and hang on ... it rips him apart. It shreds him from within. It causes him to become undone.

So he withdraws.

He finds reasons to cancel more and more weekends. He finds reasons to stop answering her calls, stop answering her increasingly desperate queries; stops finding a motive to continue this horrible, utter torture of seeing and hearing bits of the man he loves, when he knows he'll never have the completeness of him again. And after weeks, months, she stops trying.

And when the day comes when a soft sound at the door wrangles him from his stupor, alsmost causing him to drop the bottle as his head whips towards the door and sees her standing there, he knows she's come to finally say goodbye.

"Uncle Steve?"

He grunts as he resumes emptying the bottle, hearing her soft and cautious approach as he slouches in his father's old recliner. His insides clench as he tries to prepare himself for the inevitability of what he knows is coming, but he wants it to come nonetheless; is ready to finally sever the ties with everything which was good in his life. So in order to make sure that is what will happen, to prevent any chance of her backing out of this resolve, he clamps down on any warm feelings he might still have. And sighs as he readies himself to do something which he knows will hurt her, but in the end will save her from being dragged along down into his hell.

"What do you want, kid?"

He refuses to speak her name, refuses to acknowledge that last link which still ties him to Danny, and he can almost sense her anger; sense the feelings of hurt and abandonment emanating from her next words as he pushes her away this last time.

"Uncle Steve..."

He hears her draw a deep breath as she stops, as if steeling herself against the emotions he's certain are currently running through her.

"Mom thinks it's better if I didn't come here for a while, because you've been ..."

He slowly turns towards her, raising an eyebrow, willing her to continue and put an end to all of this; willing her to strike the final blow. He watches as she lifts one of her hands and sweeps it around, indicating the chaos with which he has surrounded himself. The chaos which has become his life. He frowns, taking it in, wondering whether it does, whether it should matter to him. He decides it doesn't. Not anymore.

"You haven't been well, after Daddy ... after Danno died."

She swallows, as if the words are hurting her as much as they're hurting him; as if she feels how they solidify into a sharp, merciless sword cutting through his very soul. He takes a sip of his beer to hide the agony, to hide the tears which threaten to form in his burning eyes. Then he nods.

"Yeah, OK."

For a moment, it feels as if he's engulfed by a whirlwind of emotions, and he clutches his bottle as if it were an anchor preventing him from being swept along by the vortex of despair, and grief, and anger. Emotions he's not sure are his, not certain that he's even capable anymore of feeling. But before he has the chance of further analyzing this strange experience, the girl screams at him.

"I hate you!"

It's a sound filled with anger, with utter and complete rage combined with grief and loss. He recognizes and understands each and every component. As she stands next to him, quietly panting, he knows she's hoping that he will finally wake from his stupor; knows she's praying he will rise and fold himself around her, comfort her. He knows that, in the end, she will never be able to deal that final blow, be able to sever those last ties. So he does it for her.

"I know, kid. I do too."

And as he hears her shocked intake of breath, followed by the sound of her running from the house, crying, he knows he has not only cut the last ties he had with her, the last ties he had with Danny, but has also destroyed the last reason for him to stay alive.

He has abandoned hope.