Chapter VIII: This is my gift.
'By nightfall, Lily will be mine, or Potter will have won.' Severus thought to himself as he dressed Saturday morning. He combed his black hair and stared into a mirror.
"And if you fail?" Severus said aloud, preparing for battle. He turned his head from one extreme to the other, and heard his neck pop, and he smiled appreciatively.
'I will carry years of happy memories with me. Should she choose…' He breathed deeply. '…Potter, then I shall surrender my joy and let Lily have hers.'
He flicked a bit of dust off his velvet robes and smoothed back his eyebrows. "And what of your love? What of that?" He spoke.
His face was bathed in light as the sunshine poured through the washroom window.
'True love survives death, and carries on into eternity.' He nodded resolutely and turned to leave the washroom.
Severus entered the common room where a handful of Slytherin boys were huddled , trading Chocolate Frog cards. Severus took time to actually look around the common room for the first time in years.
The Slytherin Common Room contained memorabilia and trinkets that reflected Salazaar Slytherins ideals. He strolled over to the blazing fireplace and let the heat warm him. His eyes fell upon the gold framed painting of Salazaar Slytherin. He was a haughty looking man, Severus thought, and he wore lavish robes- jewel encrusted cuffs and shining black boots. His hands rested upon an ornate staff, around which, a boa was wrapped. The backdrop was of Hogwarts, yet it was painted with dark colours.
The painting inspired pride in many Slytherins, he had been one in whom it used to inspire that feeling. But now, it issued nothing but disgust and guilt in Severus.
'Salazaar was a cruel man.' Severus reflected as he gazed upon the painting. He had not looked at this painting for nearly two years.There were times, years ago, that this painting inspired him. His houses' founding father made him feel part of something real.
Severus remembered how exhilarated he used to feel as he mimicked Salazaars' actions, and parroted his beliefs. 'I felt so empowered then.' He said quietly.
Severus walked to another side of the room where bookshelves stood. He inhaled deeply and ran his fingers down the spines of random books. He recognized titles of books that he used to memorize.
"The Noble Line" by Gendra Limni was the one he picked up. He turned over the brown book in his hands and placed it on its' shelf.
"Focusing on Natures' Fluke" by Rintoger Deveil was bound in leather. Severus' mouth fell dry as select lines came back to him.
"Why must we, strong wizards, hide our existence from the world? We are forced to hide in alleyways and mountains; while creatures of darkness inhabit the valleys of plenty! Must we be crushed into crevaces and never feel free? Don't we deserve the right to do and live as we wish!? Or are we mere prisoners, stuck behind bars?"
Severus swallowed hard, as if a dinner roll had been shoved down his throat. He remembered what Deveil urged his readers to do next. He had begged them to 'purge their world of impure heathens, before they drove wizards into extinction.'
'Hate.' He thought. 'It's hate and propaganda. Falsehoods and impurities of truth; rather than that of breeding.' He thought as he shook his head.
He saw how easily people could buy into these lies. It was easy, especially in this environment, after all, he had been sucked in too.
He reflected on his so called friends and pondered their futures. "What would have happened to me, if I hadn't broken away from that lifestyle?" He asked himself.
Severus thought of Mulciber and felt a stab of pity. 'He'll end up in Azkaban,…" He thought. 'He'll never come around.'
Briefly he thought of Lucius, but he didn't dwell upon him long. He reassured himself that Lucius was too smart to get caught at least.
"And Amaline…" He whispered, and shook his head sadly. "She seems like she could be so much more than a hate-monger."
He exhaled loudly and decided it was time to leave this depressing room. His arms swung at his sides as he moved along the long corridor of the school he loved so dearly.
Severus was feeling very sentimental this morning. 'Maybe it's the impending truth that's waiting for me at days end.' He considered.
"After all, today I may speak to Lily for the last time…if things go poorly." He said. There was also the realization that he had only five months left at Hogwarts. He was studying to be a healer. If that failed, then he would work for the Ministry- developing new potions.
He had the brains and the grades to get either job. But if he didn't have Lily, the future just seemed dismal.
He had spent a lot of time thinking of Amaline lately, he supposed he felt guilty about manipulating her. 'She isn't really a bad person.' He thought. 'And she is pleasant company. For someone, she will make a good wife.' Severus stared out a window, and saw Hagrid playing fetch with Fang.
Severus felt even more upset when he saw this. He admired Hagrid and had been his friend once. But, out of shame, he hadn't spoken to the half-giant since he had called Lily a mudblood. He knew how strongly Hagrid felt about people who use that word.
Severus closed his eyes tightly and took several deep breaths. "This isn't how you want to be today, it's not a good condition to be in!" He scolded himself.
He re-opened his eyes and tried to concentrate on remaining confident. He felt sure that he would be able to out-perform Potter in a fair duel, Black as well. "After all…" He said. "…I've got Legilimency… and Metamoura." He patted his pocket fondly.
Hogwarts students had begun to fill the hallways and he knew that the time was approaching to meet Amaline. After that, he just needed to be able to use the new potion. "I'll have about eight hours…" He thought out loud. "After that… my time will be spent."
He didn't feel like eating this morning and instead went to wait for Amaline outside her dormitory. Time seemed to pass slowly for Severus, and he was left with his thoughts.
He thought more on his friend situation. He wasn't sure if he could really call Mulciber and Avery friends anymore…Lilys' words seemed to ring in his ears.
"They're evil Sev…'"
He frowned and cast his eyes to the ground, ashamed, though she wasn't even present.
He started analyzing those he had once confided in, and was surprised by how little he still cared for them. Mulciber was a lost child, who would cling to anyone who would give him attention. He was smart, indeed, but deviant in his endeavors.
Then there was Avery. He seemed so distant these days, he would rarely say anything to anyone but Mulciber and Amaline- even then; it seemed forced.
And Gregory Pritchard! Severus shook his head. "If Lily thought so ill of Mulciber and Avery…what does she think of Pritchard?"
Severus had never before felt the days of childhood friendships breaking so strongly. He recognized adulthood looming aheaed and realized the only three people he really cared about, were Lily Evans, Lucius Malfoy and Amaline Higgs.
He had started crying without realizing it and quickly tried to stop the flow of tears. "Why am I feeling like this!?" He despaired.
He heard people quickly descending the staircase next to him and he dabbed his sleeve across his face. He had dropped his arm just as Amaline came through the archway."Morning, Sev." She said happily. He felt a pang of guilt. He remembered how he had exploded on her, weeks ago, when she had called him that. 'How was she to have known it's what Lily used to call me?'
"Hi, Amaline." He said bravely. "Sleep well?" He inquired as he got to his feet.
"Oh yeah, it was dreamy." She said sarcastically, and she broke into a smile.
Severus didn't know why this amused him so, but he couldn't help but laugh.
"You laughin' at me?" She said, letting out a scandalized gasp, and she pushed him playfully.
"No, no not you. Just at the word 'dreamy.' Seems like something an artist might say…"
She raised her eyebrows and smirked. "Thanks for the compliment."
He waved his hand. "Come on, let's head over to Hogsmeade. We can have a bite before our…meeting."
She took his hand and he didn't break away. 'I won't ruin her smile, she made me feel better, I'll at least let her enjoy this day.' He thought as they walked through the castle and into the grounds.
Professor McGonogall was checking names off a list, and she gave a brief nod, as they passed by her.
It was a fair day, the wind didn't yet carry the chill of winter. Severus kept glancing at Amaline during their trek, wondering how she would feel about him after today.
He cared, to an extent, he realized. But he felt that was he was doing, at least, was going to steer her into a better direction.
He recalled how he had first met Amaline, on September 1st, four years ago. She had just been declared Slyhterin and she seemed afraid. She sat at the open spot next to him at the Slytherin table. She had always spoken kindly to him. They would say 'hi' in passing, then in more recent years, they had actually began to talk more.
He had heard of her accomplishments in magic, and yet, was distressed that she was not passing in potions. He felt that anyone he spoke to in the hallways, should always be able to come to him for help in his favorite class.
He volunteered to help her on a few weekends, and Slughorn was pleased for the assistance. She was a quick learner, once she understood the fundamental concepts. He supposed it was during this time that she had developed this crush on him.
He was again reminded of her age, and was still shocked that she was only a fourth year. Her mind seemed so much older than that.
He felt like he appreciated her more now, especially since she had so willingly agreed to help him today.
'This is my gift to her.' He thought, and knew she would one day be grateful.
The tops of the village came into view now, and Severus felt destiny resting upon his shoulders. He had felt depressed nearly all morning, and that began to change as they grew nearer to Hogsmeade. He realized that one way, or another, at the end of the day, he would have truth.
Lily would know where his loyalties rested, would know of his remorse. Things were going to get better, and he felt hope fill him completely.
He squeezed Amalines' hand and smiled down at her. She returned his kind smile and Severus knew nothing would hinder him today. "Amy, our victory is assured. Let come what may."
And together, they walked boldly into Hogsmeade, adventure on the horizon.
[A/N : I'm hoping everyone is enjoying this, the next chapter will be up as soon as I have time to finish it. I decided to split chapter 8 into two, because otherwise it would be a ridiculously long chapter. As always, reviews are much loved and they're encouraging. Thanks for reading all of it so far. -Towermage.