AN:It's a short one, I'm sure the next chapter will more than make up for it :) Some mention of torture, but not too bad.
I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.
I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).
I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you
DARK PLACES
Hastings, Nebraska
(2.5 months after Dean's death)
Beth's POV
I poured another class of bourbon, and took a large swig, letting the burning sensation scratch down my throat with a grimace. Taking a step back, I assessed the woman tied to the chair inside the devil's trap we'd set up in the old abandoned warehouse. I fought off the sickness that filled my stomach, reciting in the back of my mind the Litany of St Joseph over and over, it helped dull the sensation, but it didn't take it away altogether.
Sam was pacing in front of her, looking a little worse for wear as she'd knocked him around a bit before I'd managed to trap her in the circle. I looked at him, frowning at the fact that he seemed to be a lot more intoxicated than I was. He'd been drinking heavily lately, but I couldn't exactly blame him.
"So, where were we?" I asked, taking up another jug of holy water and holding it in front of me.
"She was just about to tell us where we can get at Lilith," Sam said menacingly, his eyes full of anger.
"That's right!" I said, frowning at her. "Well?"
"Like I'd tell you even if I knew," the demon spat at us, glaring at us with black eyes.
"Sam?" I said, gesturing to the knife he held in his hand, Ruby's knife.
Sam raised an eyebrow and stepped forward to tower over the demon in its meatsuit. I always hated this bit, but I could do it if it meant getting Dean back. I was still surprised by the depths I was willing to sink to if it meant seeing him again.
Taking the knife, Sam dipped it into the holy water and dragged it across the forearm of the demon. She screeched in pain and gasped for breath, glaring at us.
"Lilith?" I asked pleasantly.
"Fuck off bitch!" She spat at me.
"Oh now that's not very nice," I said, I took a cup of holy water and threw it in her face. She groaned as it sizzled on the surface of her skin.
"Doesn't matter what you do to me whore, your husband isn't leaving Hell, he's ours now. He's screaming in pain even as we speak." She said to me, dark glittering eyes stared at me, piercing into my soul. I kept my poker face, but it was never easy to listen to.
Sam glanced at me, saw that I was holding it together and dragged another line across the arm again, this time twisting it a little deeper. She screamed again, the silver from the knife burning into her blood.
"Dean is Lilith's little bitch boy," the demon tormented. "He's getting a real good look into Hell and its particular, pleasures and pains. Your image seems to elicit the most torture out of him too…" she smirked and I was sure I paled at the thought.
I closed my eyes, willing myself to hold it together; it wasn't anything I hadn't heard a dozen times or more in the last few months. The demon smirked, watching me. Sam was pensively looking in my direction, and he shook his head when I looked at him. He was right, this poor excuse for a demon didn't know anything.
"You don't know anything," I said to her. "Give us the name of someone who does, and where to find them, and maybe we'll let you go."
The demon laughed, cackling like an old crone.
"No?" I asked, tilting my head to the side.
She leveled her eyes at me, daring me to do something. "You won't hurt the meatsuit, I know all about you," she said. "You know what this girl is going through, you want to save her."
I sighed at Sam, reaching out and he hesitated. I glared at him and he caved, giving me the knife. I moved over to the demon and leaned down heavily on the arms of the chair.
"You don't know me," I said to her, taking the knife and ramming it down into her thigh, twisting it. She pitched a scream, panting in pain and looked at me in surprise. She gulped a few times and tried to catch her breath.
"Wow… what would that self-righteous husband of yours say about this little turn of events with you?" She asked and that hit me hard. I stepped back, swallowing. Sam pulled me away to hide the fact that I was faltering, yanking the knife from her leg and causing her to yelp. He pulled me into the other room with a stern look.
"Don't listen to her!" He said, but it was too late.
"No, she's right Sam," I said, tears coming to my eyes. "What are we doing? How are we any better than them if we fall to the same level? I don't want Dean back if it means losing ourselves in the process." But I was lying , I would pretty much do anything to get him back, and we both knew it.
Footsteps fell behind us and we spun, but weren't fast enough. I found myself pulled back against a hard body, their arm twisting around my neck and holding me tight. Another guy grabbed Sam, holding him still as a tug on my centre revealed they were demons. A pretty blonde circled around Sam, taking the knife from him and caressing it along his cheek.
"Well if it isn't the Winchester clan, minus one," she said to us with a smirk.
"Who are you?" I asked, narrowing eyes at her.
She ignored me, looking into Sam's eyes and smiling. "Thanks for keeping this warm for me, Sam," she said quietly.
Sam frowned, looking at the woman; then recognition passed through his eyes.
"Ruby?" He asked, and she smiled at him.
"Back from the depths of Hell itself," she smirked, holding her arms out at her sides. "It's nice to be back. Where I was, even for Hell, it was nasty. I guess I really pissed Lilith off. Imagine my relief when she gave me one last chance to take it topside. And all I had to do was find you, and kill you," she said.
"No..." I said, struggling against the demon. "Get away from him!"
She turned to glare black eyes at me, shaking her head. "Take it easy Beth, I'm gonna send you to join your husband, and I'm gonna do that for nothing."
Turning back to Sam, she looked him over, and Sam looked defiantly at her. "Fine. Go head!" Sam said, throwing the demon holding him off and baring his neck, the guy released him, holding him by his hair only. "Do it! Just leave Beth alone," he said.
Ruby smirked and looked into his eyes, twirling the knife in her hand and then without warning she stabbed the demon holding him through the chin, yanking the knife out and spinning, sending the knife flying in my direction to embed in the forehead of the demon that had been holding me.
"Grab your keys. We gotta go. Now!" Ruby said, looking at Sam and then me.
I felt my head start to spin and it was as if I stopped breathing. There was only so much I could take a day before I just couldn't cope anymore. I'd just hit my breaking point for the day. I had to get out of there, I had to run. But first I was going to do what needed to be done. I turned on my heel, ignoring Ruby who was assessing Sam as he stared at her.
I stalked into the other room and leaned over the demon in the trap. She laughed at me again, but she was weakening.
"Last chance," I said. She simply sneered at me. "Have it your way."
I stood back out of the circle and started reciting the exorcism I could have said in my sleep now. The demon started to grunt and snarl at me, then she laughed hysterically as I neared the end. "I'll be sure to give hubby a kiss," I nearly stopped, it was like a kick to the guts. I finished reciting the final line, and felt a tear roll down my cheek as the cloud of smoke poured from the woman tied to the chair then sunk into the ground.
Scared eyes peered up at me, widening when she saw Sam and Ruby walk into the room with the knife. The girl who had been possessed seemed relatively all right other than the few gashes on her arm, plus the gaping wound on her leg. She started to whimper and I sighed, looking over at Sam who had come into the room.
"I can't do this anymore Sam," I said quietly, and I walked out the door, not looking back. I didn't stop until I reached the chapel across from our motel, pushing the door open and letting myself in. It was late afternoon, but I'd stopped counting time weeks ago.
Falling to my knees I let the sobs claim me. Memories returned of the time when the Trickster had played us, six months of looking for that creature to undo the horrid game it had played on us. Six months to undo it, just to get a few more months with Dean before he was pulled to Hell.
The reality was, it had only been half that time; almost three whole months, and we'd gotten nowhere. I didn't know how I was going to go through that again. I had a plan, if it all got too much. Dean would kill me himself if I went through with it, but I didn't care, I'd rather be in Hell with him than here on my own – but I needed more time to research, I needed time to exhaust all other avenues before resorting to such drastic measures.
Sam entered the church, looking at me and I glanced back to see Ruby standing in the doorway, watching us.
"Beth, come on, we have to go," he said, standing near me.
"How is the girl?" I asked.
"She'll live, I dropped her at the ER," he answered, "I got our things from the motel, Ruby says we have to go."
"No."
"No? Beth she just saved our lives!" Sam argued.
"I don't care! Our lives weren't in danger until she showed up, did you think about that?" I said, standing up and glaring in her direction. "Dean told me not to trust her, so I'm sorry, I'm not going with her, and you shouldn't either."
"Dean?! What would he know? She's only ever helped us, every step of the way, Dean didn't know what he was talking about," Sam said.
"Don't you talk about him like that! He knew things, things we didn't, and I'm sorry but I will always trust him over some demon, Sam. You should too." I snapped back at him. "Demons lie, all they do is lie!"
"You're wrong," Sam said, crossing his arms and shaking his head.
"If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but it was practically Dean's dying wish that I stay away from her, I'm not going with you," I said. I hoped that if I put my foot down Sam would see reason, it usually worked for Dean. Sam looked back at the chapel door where Ruby was starting to look impatient, gesturing at us to hurry up.
"I'm sorry Beth, I need to find out what she knows. She might have a way to get to Dean," Sam said. "I'm going, with or without you."
"Dammit Sam, don't do this to me!" I said, rubbing my temples. Even here in the church I got no respite anymore. I just wanted to rest, I wanted this nightmare to be over, but it just went on and on with no end in sight.
"Come with me Beth."
"No!" I said, shaking my head. "No, I can't."
He reached in to the jacket and pulled out the car keys, tossing them to me. "All right, have it your way," he said, shrugging and heading for the door.
"Sam!" I called out, and he turned back to me, looking at me with hope. I sighed, and looked at the keys in my hands, they felt heavy. I tossed them through the air to him, nodding that he should take the Impala.
"Leave my bag inside the chapel, and some weapons," I said quietly.
Sam sighed at me and nodded. "We're just doing the same thing Beth, we're trying to achieve the same thing."
"I know, just … give me a few weeks, or something. I can't be around her right now. I need to get my head on straight and I feel so sick, Sam, all the demons. I just... I need to not feel them for a while, okay?"
He nodded and walked back, pulling me into a tight hug.
"Yeah, okay, I get it Beth, I do. Just... stay safe okay, and stay in touch, I'll keep looking, and if you find anything, you call me," he said. I nodded into his chest, squeezing him to me. It felt like I was saying good bye to him for good, and I didn't know why that was, but there was a finality in the way he looked at me when he walked out of the chapel with Ruby. I had a feeling this was going to be a turning point for us, and not necessarily for the better.
Dean's POV
I licked my lips, looking in trepidation at the cat-o-nine tails in the hands of the demon standing before me. My arms were strung out above my head, my legs mirroring them until I was spread-eagled and hanging in the darkness. The demon was a beautiful, yet evil woman dressed head to foot in tight black leather with silver spikes in places you didn't even want to think about. She smiled at me, a salacious and hungry smile as she swayed her arm back and forth with the whip. Sharp barbs stuck out from the ends of the tails, this was no ordinary cat-o-nine tails, it was designed for torture. I grit my teeth, but I knew I could never prepare for what was coming, the pain I was about to endure. Every nerve ending in my body screamed at me in protest, I felt my breath quicken just by looking at the whip; we hadn't even started yet. Alistair stepped in front of me, smiling and lifting my chin up to look me in the eyes.
"Come on Dean, you can end this any moment you want, you know what to do," he said.
I shook my head, but it was with less conviction than I'd had twenty years ago. Ten thousand days... over ten thousand days of this torture and no end in sight. I had been abandoned, left for dead by anyone I had ever cared for. They must be dead by now, or living a new life, safe in the knowledge that I had sacrificed everything for them. I shook my head as soon as the thought came into my mind. No. I wouldn't believe it, but it hurt so much. Beth wouldn't leave me down here, she'd die trying to get me out. I had to believe that, I wouldn't give up on her. I sighed and lifted my head defiantly at Alistair one more time.
"No," I said, dropping my head down again. No. I'd said it. Once again I'd stood up to him, once again I'd stuck to my principles. I wouldn't give in.
Alistair sighed at me and walked away, waving a hand at the demon who was waiting patiently with a smile on her face. She walked up and looked at me with a grin, leaning in to lick along my face, enjoying herself. One hand reached down to grasp my dick and she stroked it, watching me as I fought her attentions. My body always betrayed me, regardless of what I wanted it to do, no matter what I thought about, and she enjoyed getting that little bit out of me, that moment where I felt the sweet rush of release, gasping from the pleasure even though my mind screamed for it to stop.
She pulled back when she was done, licking her hand clean and then brushed the whip along my thighs, sighing at me.
"A little pleasure, a lot of pain. You Winchesters sure are stubborn," she said, kissing my neck and then walking behind me. I tensed, knowing what she had just done to me was nothing compared to what was coming. Gritting my teeth I took myself into a dark place deep within, one where I held on to the one thing keeping me sane, the one thing keeping me human. For a moment her face hovered in front of me, big brown eyes turning to smile at me, and then the first slash cut into my back, and she was gone as I screamed from the agony.
Lawrence, Kansas
(Almost 3 months after Dean's death)
Beth's POV
I let myself into the house without an invitation. She'd know I was there regardless of what I did, so I just entered, closing the door behind me and listening to the woman prattle on to one of her clients. I took a seat and waited, not sure I wanted to go through with this.
"Beth, sweetheart, let me see you," Missouri said once she'd shown her client to the door. She came around the little screen that I was hiding behind and smiled at me. I stood up and she took my hands, her warm, caring eyes instantly turning to worry.
"Oh honey, you're not doing so well..." she said, and I shook my head, tears coming to my eyes.
"And Sam? Oh he's gone off with a demon? Stupid little boy. What happened to that nice girl, Jo?" she asked me as she guided me into the kitchen and sat me down at the little dining table tucked in a corner.
"Yes! Pretty little thing, came to your wedding. Didn't you know? I wouldn't be able to read it off you if you didn't," she said. She turned to put the kettle on, and then came to sit with me again.
"I... uh...no, I didn't know," I said with a frown, but it was starting to make sense. Sam and Jo had spent a lot of time together that night, and she'd visited us a few times since Dean had died. I'd thought she was mourning Dean and just wanted to be around us, after the big crush she'd had on him.
"Oh, she did have it bad for Dean," Missouri said as if reading my mind. "Poor thing, never had a chance. But things changed after you got pregnant..." I stared at her, unable to speak. "Sam and Jo have been a ... comfort to each other."
"Really?" I asked sceptically. "I mean... really?" She simply nodded at me.
"Well... she isn't now," I said. We hadn't seen her in almost a month, and I hadn't exactly been sorry about that, the girl made me uncomfortable. I shook my head, this wasn't something I wanted to deal with right now, at any point, Ruby was the one Sam was chasing around the country right now.
"I can't Missouri, I need to focus on Dean now, I need to see if everything they're saying is true," I said.
"But why? What good would it do to know?"
"Do you know?" I asked, looking in her eyes. "My dreams, are they real? Are they really what's happening to him?"
She looked at me with sad eyes, reaching out to take my hand again.
"Sweetheart, the pair of you have a bond that I haven't seen in many people... it's a real soul bond. Who knows what that allows you to do. I can't tell you one way or the other, but even if they were real, what good would it do to know?"
"I just need to know," I whispered. "He's a part of me, Missouri, he is. And if unconscious will can cause me to see what's happening to him, what could I achieve if I focused it somewhere? Could I talk to him? Could I cross over and somehow bring him back?"
"Oh Beth, you're talking dark magic, dangerous magic, your father wouldn't approve." Missouri said.
"Dad's not here! It's only me now. I'm all that's left to watch over Sam, but I can't do it alone... I can't. I'm not strong enough."
I looked into her eyes. "I need Dean. And if you won't help me, I'll find someone who will."
Missouri sat back, looking at me with quiet, assessing eyes, and then sighed. "There is a man, he might be able to help," she said. I nodded and sat back in my seat, allowing myself a moment to just rest.
"You're exhausted," Missouri said in a motherly tone, getting up and coming around to take my arm. "Come on, get up, I'm going to put you to bed."
"No... no," I shook my head, standing up and starting to pace. "No, take me to this man, I want to do this now." Before I changed my mind, I thought with an internal pain.
"Okay," Missouri said with a nod. "I'll call him, he can meet us here." I nodded.
An hour later the man, whose name was Ezra, looked at me with dark ringed eyes, his pale skin standing out against the black suit he wore. He looked like an undertaker, and I grimaced at the thought: Missouri had said he worked with the dead.
"So," he said in a slow, monotone voice. "You wish to speak with the dead."
"I want to raise the dead," I said, "but Missouri says you can't do that."
"No," he said simply.
"So what can you do?"
"I can open a door way for your soul to enter into the afterlife," he said.
"Anywhere in the afterlife?" I asked.
"If you wish," he said with a nod.
"Hell?"
He stopped and looked at me, frowning a disapproving stare.
"If you wish," he said finally.
"What do I have to do?"
"You have my payment?" He asked, and I nodded, sliding an envelope thick with cash across the table to him. He lifted it up and held it with a nod, looking pleased.
"You must know. I will need to call your soul back if you become lost, and even after you have returned, the connection may remain if your souls are bonded," he said. I bit my lip. The dreams were bad enough, but a constant connection to what was happening to Dean? Could I cope?
I steeled myself, I could do this. I had to do this. Maybe Dean would have some answers where no one else seemed to.
"I understand," I said, nodding at him. "Let's do it."
Dean's POV
"Dean!" Beth's voice echoed toward me and I stirred in the darkness. It wouldn't be the first time I'd heard her, only to have it turn out to be a trick, some kind of game Alistair was playing on me.
"Dean where are you?" Beth asked again and this time I looked up. She'd never said that, usually she knew exactly where I was.
"Beth?" I asked through cracked lips, my throat hoarse from the last session I'd spent screaming. I looked down at my body, almost expecting to see it shredded and hanging in bloody ribbons, but I was completely healed, waiting for the next torment Alistair dreamed up.
"Where are you?"
"I'm here," I said, struggling to my feet and trying to fight the bonds holding me.
"I'm coming," she said and I frowned. What did she mean by that? In the darkness there was a shimmering light that started to build and then I could barely believe my eyes as Beth stepped through it. She hadn't changed at all, she was still the same woman I'd left behind thirty years ago. She saw me and she ran over, grasping my face in her hands.
"Dean!" She said. "I knew I'd find you," she said, kissing my lips. I waited for the moment where she'd transform, but it never came, so I kissed her back, drinking from her like I was a blind man lost in the desert and had just been shown the oasis.
"Beth, how did you get here?" I asked, pulling back from her as she stroked along my face, tears running down her cheeks.
"It's a long story, I have to get you out... I don't know if I can, I don't know... but we have to..." She froze as a laugh went out from behind us, and the darkness lit up to reveal more than a dozen demons standing in the wings, waiting.
"Well, well, well, what have we here? A visitor!" Alistair said, stepping forward. With a snap of his hands Beth was suddenly pinned to a rack and I struggled, looking up.
"Alistair, no... don't. She doesn't belong here, you can't!" I said, looking frantically at Beth.
"Well, as far as I can tell, Beth here is trespassing," Alistair said, walking over to her. "I think that requires a little punishment. Let's start by having her watch," he said.
"No... no... you can't," I said, shaking my head. But I knew there was nothing I could do.
One of Alistair's star pupils stepped forward and I eyed him with a quiet fear, groaning internally. So far, his torture had been the worst, and it looked like I was in for some more.
He took a nasty looking fillet knife from off the table of tools and walked over, swinging the rack I was attached to back so that I was lying and staring up. He hovered beside me, looking at his knife and then he smiled, saying nothing.
I bit my lip as the knife slid into me, going deep. It only stung for a little while, and I groaned. Just as I thought it couldn't get any worse he twisted, and I felt the tendon in my arm separate from the bone, the knife sliding through the muscle and then the demon took another tool, like a pair of large pliers, and took the tendon in hand, yanking it away and causing me to cry out in agony.
"Nooo!" Beth yelled, crying as she watched what was being done to me.
The process was repeated, again and again until there was nearly nothing left, and I was a quivering, snivelling mess and begging for it to stop.
"You know what I need to hear from you Dean," Alistair said and I shook my head. I couldn't, I wouldn't.
"Bring me the girl," Alistair said and I couldn't even fight as they pulled Beth over, I looked frantically at her and she sobbed, seeing the mess of my body. It would be whole again tomorrow, I knew this, but it didn't help things right in this moment. "You're just an apparition Beth, you can't help him. No one can help him, he's mine now," he said. Beth shook her head, refusing to listen. Alistair took a knife in hand and with one swift motion he rammed it deep into her stomach.
"Noo!" I yelled as she spit up blood, looking shocked at the knife protruding from her body, then fell to the floor as the life went out of her eyes. "No..." I muttered, pulled against my restraints, just wanting to touch her.
"Pull him apart piece by piece until he says yes." Alistair instructed my torturer who looked at me with a sickening grin. I steeled myself, my breath coming in rapid, panicked bursts. I didn't know how much more I could take of this.
"Stop!" I said, struggling against my bonds and fighting to get loose in spite of the pain I was in.
Lawrence, Kansas
Beth's POV
I woke up with a gasp, clutching at my stomach and crying. "No!"
Missouri was right next to me, sliding her arm around my shoulders as she looked worriedly at Ezra. "What happened?"
"They found me... they... they stabbed me," I said, barely getting the words out. My stomach felt like it had been gutted and then I retched, somehow managing to get to my feet and stumble toward the bathroom off the room we were in. I made it to the toilet just as I threw up, bile and vomit pouring from my body in waves.
I knelt at the toilet, tears flowing down my face as I thought about what I'd seen. I'd touched him, I'd felt him in my hands and he was ripped from me once again. I couldn't do this again, I had to find a way.
Grabbing the towel off the hand rack I wiped my face off, and stood up, looking in the mirror. Dark circles ringed my eyes, and my hair hung in long, dry strands around my face, I was a mess. Washing my face and rinsing out my mouth, I came back into the room where Missouri and Ezra were waiting patiently.
"It didn't work, I couldn't free him," I said to Ezra. He shook his head.
"It was just a window into the place, you will need a lot more than a spell to bring him out of Hell alive and into a fully healed body," he said. I sucked in a breath, wondering what it would take.
"There has to be a way," I said.
"Only God would know," he said, holding his hands up. "You must pray."
"I've been praying! I couldn't pray any harder if I tried!" I snapped, running a hand through my hair.
"You need someone to open a doorway, Beth, to safely bring Dean's soul through into the world of the living again," Missouri said and I paused.
"A doorway?"
"Of sorts, yes," she said with a nod. "Why? What are you thinking?"
I smiled, contemplating, would it work? It would be risky.
"I may know of someone who can do that," I said, looking out the window. If I left now I could stop over at Lisa's on the way, and be there in a day and a half.
Somewhere outside New York
Beth's POV
I'd talked myself out of doing this a dozen times in the ride from Indiana, but I was determined, I had to know if he could do it – no matter the risk. Of course, he wasn't likely to be very happy with me given the circumstances of how we'd last parted, but that was a risk I was willing to take. On the plus side, if I fell victim to this particular god's influence, I'd be likely to end up on the end of a suicide death wish, which would only put my next plan into action anyway.
I parked the bike next to a tree and walked over to where we'd been last New Years Eve. It had been a good eight months since I'd last set eyes on this place but I knew where to start digging.
The sun was hot overhead but I didn't want to wait until dark. I had tied a small shovel to the side of the bike once I got to town, and now I collected it, moving into place. It took me thirty minutes to find what I was looking for. I dug into the soft sandy ground and heard the chink of a box.
My breath catching, I dug faster, uncovering the coffin we'd had custom made for a small fortune. Dean had nailed it closed, and I used a crowbar to pry open the lid, careful not to jostle the contents too much.
A small mirror in my back pocket, I carefully eased the box's lid back, looking inside. We'd found a glazier who had thought it an odd request to have a coffin lined in mirrors until we'd explained that the person it was for had been a bit of a narcissist and considered themselves on par with Zsa Zsa Gabor: then he'd found it incredibly amusing.
I crouched, feet on the edges of the coffin while I looked down at the being in front of me. He was mid-transformation, the only way Jefferson had known to catch him and put a stop to his havoc. I swallowed, considering what I was about to do, basically, release a monster back into the world... one I'd helped catch in the first place.
"God help me," I whispered, tears in my eyes as I reached down and pulled the young man out of the box, breaking his connection to the mirror where he had been staring.
Instantly I found myself flung out of the hole and on to the ground, angry eyes flaring at me as he stalked toward me, towering over me.
"Why I oughtta!"
"Please!" I cried out, holding my hand out. "Please, hear me out."
He paused and looked at me, pulling a pair of glasses out of his pocket and putting them on, taking a breath and then releasing it as he looked at me with cold assessing eyes.
"Janus... please, I know I have no right to ask," I said, getting to my feet. "But I'm desperate, I'm so, so desperate that I have just done something that goes against every fibre of my being."
He looked haughtily at me, raising an eyebrow and then reaching out a hand toward me. I fought against stepping back, knowing this was how he worked, through touch, and if I had any hope in hell of getting him to help me, he would need to see what I was feeling inside.
Janus' brow furrowed into a frown when he touched me, and he reached out with another hand, holding me between his two extended arms.
"So much pain... so much sorrow," he said, looking up at me and I saw the shimmering begin that indicated he was about to transform. Suddenly he was looking at me with sad eyes, his hair a little more ruffled, a five-o'clock shadow on his jaws, and he removed the glasses he was wearing, tucking them into his pants.
"He is gone," Bif said to me and I nodded.
"Please help me," I said, my voice almost cracking.
"How?"
"You are a god of thresholds, you can open a doorway into Hell, help me bring him back," I said.
"No."
"Please, I'm begging you," I said, falling to my knees in front of him and grasping at his hands. "Please, there's no one else, we've tried everything!"
"Beth I can't... I would help if I could but it's beyond my powers," he said, pulling me to my feet. "I'm sorry." I started to sob and he pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly.
"I like you," he said as he held me. "I liked Dean, I didn't want him to die."
"I can't go on without him," I said, my face buried in his chest as he held me.
I found myself pulled back from that small comfort and Janus had reappeared, my mind reeled at how fast he could change, how schizophrenic this god was.
"What you did to me was not fitting for a God, you must all be punished, but especially you," he said.
"Go ahead," I said, shoving him angrily. "You couldn't do anything worse to me than what I'm already going through."
"Oh I don't know about that," Janus said with a grin, reaching out a hand. "I will send you to join him, and see how you like the tortures of Hell."
"No!" A woman's voice sounded behind us and he spun to look at the intruder. She was a young woman with curly strawberry blonde hair that fell down her back and cascaded over her shoulders. She had piercing blue eyes, a long narrow nose, and thin, smiling lips.
"Sariel," he said breathlessly, stepping away from me, fear almost in his eyes.
"Hello brother," she said, tilting her head to him. She turned eyes to me and sighed sadly. "Leave her, she has work to do."
"Who are you?" I asked, frowning and crossing my arms.
"A shadow," said a voice from beside me. I jumped, not having heard them approach and that was rare for me. The man beside me was calm and had very little expression in his face, he turned to me and frowned, it was as if he was looking into my soul. I'd never seen him before, tall, blonde and athletic, he reached forward a hand toward me and I backed away, running into Janus.
"You must come with me, it is time," the woman, Sariel, said to Janus and he shook his head.
"Beth," the other man said to me, ignoring the conversation. "It's going to be all right Beth, we haven't forsaken you."
"Who are you?" I asked, frowning and looking from the woman to the man.
The man walked up to me and touched my forehead and I felt myself go limp, falling into a while light.
I woke up with a start in the Impala, and looked around frantically. How did I get here? My stomach felt sick to the core, like I'd just thrown up what little food I'd had in there, and my head was throbbing, as if my brain was pounding against the bone.
"God..." I muttered, rubbing my temples. "What the hell was that?" Who had those people been? Clearly they were gods of some sort, the girl had called Janus 'brother', but I'd never heard of a Roman Goddess named Sariel, and who had the blonde man been?
I looked around me again, at the familiar seat which I'd spent half my life sitting on. Our home, the only home we'd ever known for so long. The Impala, which meant Sam had to be here. The realisation hit me and I quickly climbed out of the passenger door, heading for the motel room the Impala was parked in front of. I'd been gone for weeks and he hadn't called once. I'd phoned, always getting voicemail and updating him on what I was doing, but I hadn't heard from him since the night he'd left with Ruby.
I knocked quietly on the door and turned the handle, it was open; with a frown I let myself into the room, and walked around the little wall that separated the door from the rest of the room. I realised my intrusion the moment I heard the telltale grunting of two people in the throes of their passion.
Suddenly, I knew exactly what it had been like for Sam to walk in on Dean and me, because I'd just done precisely the same thing. I froze, seeing them on the bed in a twisted, tangle of sweaty limbs, Sam moving almost frantically on top of the girl, thrusting with a ferocity that I'd frankly never wanted to see coming from my brother. I covered my eyes and then I heard the girl's voice as her face thrashed to the side.
"Sam, oh yes Sam... Sam!"
I started to leave but she took a knife from under the pillow and every instinct told me she was about to kill my brother, I moved then, swiftly grabbing her arm and twisting it, breaking her hold on the knife as she cried out.
"Sam!" I gasped, and he pulled back, turning confused eyes to me.
"Beth?" He asked. "What are... what are you doing here? Jesus Christ!" He snapped, pulling away from the girl and tugging the sheet over the pair of them.
"She was going to stab you!" I said, "who the hell is she?" I asked.
Sam glanced at the girl who was staying quiet, hiding beneath the sheets.
"She wasn't going to stab me, Beth... Jesus!" Sam snapped and I was a little taken aback. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking?"
"I did knock!" I said, turning away and feeling myself turn red.
"Well, did I answer? No! I was kind of in the middle of something!"
"Well I'm sorry!" I yelled back, "Geez, you're acting like this hasn't happened before, what the hell is wrong with you? You ever see me or Dean taking this attitude with you whenever you made the same mistake?"
Sam laughed and rolled his eyes at me, pulling on a pair of shorts. "What? Like every damn day? It was kind of inevitable it was going to happen, wasn't it? You two wouldn't know a bit of abstinence if it bit you in the ass!"
"Hey!" I yelled. That wasn't true and he knew it, what the hell was wrong with him?
"No, you know what, just forget it Beth, forget it. What are you doing here anyway?" He asked, reaching for a bottle of whiskey and taking a long swig while the girl gathered up some clothes and hurried into the bathroom.
"I need to talk to you," I said.
"I'm listening."
"You wouldn't know it to look at you, what is your problem?" I asked.
"Nothing!"
"Right... well... I..." Suddenly I didn't know what I was going to say. I felt the heaviness in my heart again as I realised I'd failed yet again to find a way to Dean.
"Spit it out Beth," Sam said.
"I just wanted to see you, have you had any progress?" I asked, and he shook his head.
"No... no Ruby says there's nothing she can do to get Dean out of there," he said. "No one can."
"Ruby!" I muttered, shaking my head.
"Yes, Ruby!" He said, stepping up to me. "You know, the one who has actually stuck by me here, and helped me these last few weeks."
"Help you do what? Drink your way to the bottom of a bottle? What the Hell Sam?" I asked, yanking the bottle out of his hands and holding it away from him.
"Hey! What do you care? What does anyone care? My brother is in Hell and he's not getting out, and it's all my fault!" He said.
"That's not true," I said, reaching out for him.
He hit my hand away and I flinched at the contact from him.
"You know what, you're right, it's not my fault..." he said, waving a hand dismissively at me and going to the table where several other bottles of booze were sitting. He took a swig from one of them and looked back at me angrily.
"It's yours, Beth. It's your fault," he said and he might as well have been carving out my heart.
"I know," I said, tears welling in my eyes.
"No, you don't!" Sam yelled at me. "You have no idea!"
"Don't you talk to me like that!" I snapped back at him. "I do know, better than anyone, I was the one who made that deal, I was the one who couldn't get him out of it, and dammit I see what it's doing to him every goddamn day because I dream it! I see it with my own eyes. I was... I went to Missouri and there was a man who opened a window into Hell, Sam... and I felt him, for a moment I had him in my hands and then he was ripped from me and..." I stopped, Sam was staring at me.
"And what?"
"And what they're doing to him down there?" I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself.
"It should be you," he said, it was like a low blow to the stomach.
"Sam!"
"No, it should be you. You make Dean weak, you make us all weak, and I should have seen it a long time ago. I should never have told Dad to bring you with us, he should have left you in Wisconsin." I could barely believe the words that were coming out of his mouth.
"You don't mean that," I said.
"Just go Beth, I don't want to be around you, you're poison," he said, shaking his head.
Pontiac, Illinois
(Beth's Birthday - 3 months after Dean's death)
I don't know how long I had lain here in the open, days, but it all seemed to roll into one. If it had been Winter I'd no doubt be dead from exposure, but it was Summer, and so I just lay, waiting to die or for some other sign, I didn't know which.
I didn't have pie for this sunrise, it just seemed so pointless to even bother. If I had my way it would be the last birthday I'd see anyway. I sat in the middle of the clearing, the plain white cross at my back as I stared at the horizon. The trees were silhouetted against the wash of pink that flared across the sky and I took another sip of the bourbon in my hand, looking at the pill bottle I'd taken from the pharmacy I'd broken into several nights ago.
So Ruby said there was no way to get Dean out of Hell, so be it, if I couldn't get him out, I would join him. For over a month I'd been considering the sin of suicide, something that didn't seem would get me to Hell at first, but the more I read about it and canonical law, it seemed inevitable that I would have to be going downstairs for taking my own life.
It really was the bottom of the list of my plans, but nothing else had worked until this point, and after seeing what I'd seen, and still seeing it every night in my dreams, I couldn't bear it any longer on my own. Sam had been right, everything I touched died, and even my own brother didn't want anything to do with me.
I looked at the pills as the sun rose into the sky, taking a couple of gulps of bourbon and lying down on the green grass underneath me. I stared up at my wedding ring, nestled in Dean's on my finger and sobbed, I couldn't do it, what if it didn't work? But what if it was the only way? The sun rose higher and higher in the sky and I lay here, still waiting for a sign, anything to tell me what to do next.
"I'm never giving up on you," Dean's voice from the DVD echoed in my mind over and over, I'd watched it so many times, trying to be strong like he wanted, but I couldn't feel it. He wasn't here, he had always been here, every year since I turned sixteen. But not today. The sobs wracked my chest and I ached all over.
I'd never known what it was to ache from crying, to feel as if every cell in your body was in pain, and it was all from a broken heart.
The sound of a car engine drove past and then stopped, and I could hear people talking urgently among themselves. I sighed, it had been weeks since I'd spoken to another human being. I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep, but that was when the dreams came.
"Over here!" I heard someone call out and then there were hands on my shoulders, lifting me up.
"Oh Beth!" Cole's voice said as she lifted me into her lap, my head resting on her chest. "She's terribly dehydrated..." she said and someone reached down to take the pills out of my hand.
"Well you won't be needing these," Jefferson said with a sigh, and I opened my eyes to see him pocketing the bottle.
"Leave me alone," I moaned, pushing at Cole.
"Yeah, right!" Cole said, "I don't think so baby girl." I felt myself lifted off the ground and I kicked out, fighting Jefferson who had picked me up.
"No! No, I don't want to go. Just leave me here with him," I managed to twist out of Jefferson's arms and landed on the ground, my forehead to the ground in front of the cross. Fresh tears fell from my eyes as I shuddered, racked with the pain and guilt of being the reason Dean had gone to Hell.
"Beth, this isn't going to fix anything," Cole said with a sigh, reaching down to grasp my shoulders and pull me up into a kneeling position. "Come on, we're taking you home."
"I don't want to..."
"Yeah, we know you don't Princess, but you're going anyway," Jefferson said, picking me up again. This time I didn't fight him, I felt too weak from days of laying here. It was as if the three months hadn't happened, and I was lying here next to Dean's body all over again.
"Let's go," Jefferson said to Cole and she nodded.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked as Cole sat in the back with me, holding me close.
"To Bobby's," Jefferson said, starting up his vehicle and pulling away from the clearing, moving out on to the road.
"I don't want to..." I said.
"Well you can't stay here," Cole said in a frustrated tone.
"When you're well again, we'll talk," Jefferson said looking at me in the mirror.
I sighed and lay down, my head in Cole's lap as he drove. It would take hours to get to Bobby's and all I wanted to do was sleep.
Later that night
Cole came into the living room carrying two mugs of coffee, handing one to me. I stared into the fire in the hearth, flashing her a smile.
"Thanks."
"No problem, you look like Hell," she said with a chuckle, sitting at the other end of the couch.
"Well, I feel a lot better, thank you," I said quietly, staring back into the fire. At least I no longer felt suicidal, I was strong again and the determination was back. I just didn't know where to start with it. I'd hit a brick wall, and now all I seemed to do was pray in the hopes that someone was listening.
Jefferson had disappeared into town, and I was left with a fussing old man and his daughter to watch over me for the evening, the only ray of sunshine we had was of the little boy now old enough to be running around the house and laughing wickedly as he got into things he shouldn't. Bobby's hair seemed to have turned a shade whiter overnight since having JJ back in the house, and he was cursing himself for not having baby proofed a little better.
"So, tell me about the dreams," Cole said, looking at me pointedly. I looked at her as if I didn't know what she was talking about, but her eyes told me otherwise, her eyes looked at me like I was an open book.
I shrugged. "What's to tell? Missouri said it was because we're so close, that our connection causes me to tap in, I guess, to what he's going through. I have no way of knowing if they're really real or not," I said, taking a sip out of my mug. I believed them to be real, but I was also keenly aware just how much it sounded like I needed to be committed to a crazy house.
"Oh they're real," Cole said softly and I glanced up at her, frowning.
"How do you know?"
She looked at me, a sadness in her eyes and then inclined her head. "Because I went through the same thing with John," she said, biting her lip. "For almost a year... that's why I disappeared, it was too much and I knew no one would believe me, they'd think I was mad, or making it up. But it was real Beth, as real as you and I sitting here."
I nodded, twisting to look at her. "I know, and I don't know if it makes things worse or not. I don't know how long I can go on like this. Every time I close my eyes he's there, in pain, sometimes even when I'm wide awake since I went to Kansas...and there's not a thing I can do to help!"
Cole looked at me sadly again, shaking her head. "I know, and I don't have any answers for you, but you gotta stay strong. It's what Dean would want."
I bit my lip, staring back into the fire and nodded. "Yeah, I know..."
"And Sam?"
"What about him?" I asked, not looking up, a dull ache starting in my chest.
"Where is he?"
"Gone," I said.
"Gone where?" She asked.
"I don't know, to find a way to save Dean, apparently," I said with a shrug.
"He left you?" She asked, clearly not approving of his actions.
I couldn't talk about it, it was still too raw and hurt too much. I didn't know what had come over him, what had made him say such painful things to me. But he was right, I was poison, and I knew that - I should have died the day I killed my father.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said quietly, taking a sip of my coffee.
"I thought Dean made him promise to look after you, that's what he told me," Cole said and I frowned, I'd forgotten that. I shook my head.
"It was never Sam's job to protect me, it's mine to watch over him," I said.
"Bull! He promised Dean, and he left you, and he didn't call any of us to say it had happened." She was glaring, fury apparent in her voice.
"He's lost his brother, Cole."
"We've all lost a brother! You see me taking off and abandoning you?"
"It's not the same," I said quietly.
"Look, I know, okay? I know it's not, but it's still not good enough, when I get my hands on that scrawny scarecrow, I'm gonna give him a good hiding!" Cole threatened.
"'Cause that'll help," I said with a chuckle, shaking my head at her.
"Well, he's old enough now, about time someone put him in his place, you and Dean spend too much time babying him." I sighed, there was no arguing with her once she put her mind to something.
"Okay, well while you plot Sam's demise, I'm going to go up to bed and get some sleep," I said with a chuckle.
"Okay, just yell if you need anything," she said, nodding at me.
"Yeah, I will, good night," I said, standing up and looking toward the stairs. I hadn't been here since Christmas, and I only had good memories of the spare room where Dean had hung Christmas lights in there. I hesitated, looking up the stairs. I wasn't even sure if Dean had taken those lights down, for all I knew they might still be in there. Cole stood up, suddenly seeming to realise what was wrong.
"I can bring you a blanket and pillow if you want, why don't you sleep in front of the fire?" I nodded, breathing a sigh of relief, anything to avoid going into that room, to have to sleep in the very bed where I'd finally confessed to him that I didn't want to be without him and we'd lay in the dark stealing forbidden kisses and holding each other; where we'd shared numerous nights making love; where we'd argued and fought and made up all in the space of a day; where we'd shared our dreams. It was our little home away from home, and now he was gone and it was empty. I couldn't go up there.
Cole returned with the blanket and pillow and I smiled, slipping into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and making up the couch. I lay down, staring at the fire as it burned in the hearth, lulling me off to a deep sleep.
Fire and brimstone. Whoever wrote that about Hell hadn't been wrong. Everywhere I looked it was a red pit of despair. I hovered as if a spirit over the dead and the dying, listening to their cries of pain and anguish. One voice stood out among the others, and I watched in horror as he lay tied to the rack, and I couldn't even watch what they were doing. These demons were creative, how could they do this to each other? It was beyond excruciating to watch.
Hazel eyes stared into the darkness as his broken voice sobbed and begged to be released from his current torment. I cried with him as something inside of him splintered, I could see it in his eyes, the way he looked wildly around for a familiar point of reference, for something to hold on to. But there was nothing. He couldn't see me, and I couldn't save him.
A demon came to stand over Dean, looking down at him. He ran a hand along the latter's face, almost gentle in its touch. "Come on Dean, get off the rack, end this torment."
Dean licked his lips, a single tear running down his cheek as he closed his eyes, and with a single nod, the deal was done. With a snap of his fingers, the demon made Dean whole again, his body no longer ripped to shreds, and he stood up, a look of defeat in his eyes.
A whip was placed in his hand and another soul was dragged screaming to the rack and tied in his place. It was a young girl, or so she appeared. Dean hesitated for a moment, and then gripped the whip tightly, shaking his head. He looked at her, a haunted expression on his face, and then I heard him whisper.
"I'm sorry..." he said softly before drawing the whip back and then swinging it forward as hard as he could.
I sat up in the darkness, gasping and clutching at the covers, the fire had long gone out and I was staring at the shadows in the living room cast from the full moon outside. "Oh no," I said, shaking my head. My bare feet hit the floor as I jumped out of bed, padding down the stairs and out into the night. I found myself out at the back of the gym, in the little garden Sam had created as a memorial to our son.
It glowed almost ethereal in the light from the moon and I knelt next to the magnolia and the little baby angel statue, touching the face before looking up into the sky.
"Please," I said, clasping at my rosary, searching for the words that I'd said a hundred times over now. "I don't know who is listening, I don't know if anyone is listening, but I have to believe you are. Please. I need help. I know I've asked again and again, but I'm going to keep asking, because I'm not giving up on him, I won't, I can't. Please. If anyone is listening, he'll break from this, he will break and I'll lose him. I need to get him out, soon, before I lose him forever. I'll do anything you ask of me, anything, just help, don't leave him there – he shouldn't be there, all he's ever done is help the people around him, he doesn't deserve this. Please. I'm begging, please."
I waited, wanting to believe my mother and how she'd told me angels were watching over me. Nothing made sense to me. Gods, sure, they came and they went – most of them we killed. Sometimes they dumped you in the middle of Impalas and basically destroyed your world, that made sense to me, they were dicks. But angels? What had they ever done for me? Where were they when I needed them the most? My mother had said they were watching over me, that I should always pray and ask for their guidance and protection.
I thought back to Dean and the first time we'd met, and he'd told me he didn't believe in angels. Now... twenty years later... I was starting to feel the same way. I looked at the St Anthony medallion hanging around my neck and smiled sadly.
"St Anthony, I pray, grant that I may be restored to that which I have lost, which has been taken from me. Grant me your aid, intercede for me that God may grant my request, and I promise to do better, be better, to devote my life to the aid of others as I have always done. Just bring him back to me, help me find the way."
The silver glinted under the full moon and I sighed, thinking to the dream as I moved to sit on the bench under the tree. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. I couldn't stay here, I just wanted to be alone, to think about what came next without having to worry about who I was putting in danger next. It would be best to leave tonight, while everyone slept, and I steeled my resolve, moving back inside where I got dressed in my jeans, pulling on my favourite leather jacket. I stuffed the rest of my belongings in my duffel and moved into the kitchen, finding some paper and scribbling a note for Bobby and Cole.
"Where do you think you're going young lady?" Bobby asked and I jumped, having not heard him.
"Jesus Bobby, you scared the daylights out of me," I said, turning to face him.
"That was the point."
"I need to go," I said, skipping the pleasantries. "I can't stay here, I just … I need to be alone."
"I'm not letting you walk out of here alone," he said, standing against the door.
"You can't stop me Bobby," I said with a sigh.
"Let her go," Cole's voice sounded from behind me and I turned. There was an understanding in her eyes as she looked at me and took a step forward.
"I'm trusting you not to do anything stupid, like swallow a bottle of pills. Sam's not the only one Dean made promise to look after you," she said. I nodded.
She handed me a set of keys to a bike and I stared at them, was this my bike? Had Bobby collected it from the side of the road all those months ago? No, this was a different bike, but it would certainly make do.
"Don't be a stranger," she whispered but she of all people knew what it was to disappear off the face of the earth when you were grieving. She'd only just started reconnecting with us since John had gotten out of Hell, and even then she was gone like the wind as soon as something spooked her. Whatever she was running from, she wasn't talking about, no matter who tried to get some sense out of her, she was playing it all very close to the chest.
I nodded and walked out into the moonlight, rolling the bike with me as I walked away from the house. I knew where I was going, but I didn't know why, I just knew that I had to go somewhere to be alone, to pray and to plan, and I had to be somewhere Dean could find me, because I wasn't done here. I would never be done.
"Where are you going?" Bobby called out from the porch as I stopped to look back at them.
"Back to the beginning."
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Song for this chapter is My Heart Is Broken by Evanescence. Seems I like these guys for the heart breaking, I want to die I love Dean so much kind of episodes LOL
Next up is Lazarus Rising THANK GOD!
This is also the first little peak at Sariel – the OFC for my other fanfic (when I get around to writing it), and her role in this story will play out more once I get the Gabriel fanfic happening!
For all the newcomers, Cole is from my friend EarthhAngel's fanfic How To Save A Life – be sure to go check it out for some John Winchester focused writing, plus a little Dean & Beth back story!
Thank you to everyone who left reviews in the last few days – I treasure them all! I will be replying to them very soon, I just got on a roll with his and wanted to get it out first :)
Please keep leaving me reviews – they completely make my day!