Back to the story, sorry about the delay. The muse remains out on summer vacation.
One Definition up front:
Dissociate: It is the ability for a person to distance themselves from a traumatic event which is too much for them to experience at once. This ability can come from either drugs (recreational or prescription) or from exposure, usual repetitive, to devastating events such as abuse, war, or severe pain. It can lead to clinical conditions known as dissociate disorders, and in extreme cases creating 'alters' which was once referred to as 'multiple personality disorders'. Please note: I do not recall having come across this condition personally in my training or in my clinical years, but we certainly learned about it in school. I would never play fast and loose with this condition if I did not have a dear friend, now passed, who had suffered with it. I knew her for at least 15 years before I saw her dissociate. Her trigger was related to childhood trauma from an abusive oral surgeon, and she was aware that she was interacting with me in her dissociative state.
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Double Take
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Chapter 57
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The orderlies were about to assist Dick over to the stretcher for transport to the operating room when Dr. Red appeared at the doorway. Dick looked up. "There's been a slight delay Dick, I'm sorry." Xavier explained, "the scrub nurse was in a minor fender bender so another one had to be called in."
"Is the nurse all right?" Dick asked.
"My understanding is that she is fine, just shook up."
"That's a relief," Bruce added.
"We'll come get you when the team is ready Dick. Maybe another hour or so, given the late hour."
"Thanks."
Red left the room as did the transport team and within moments a young nurse came in. "Hi, Dick, uh, Dr. Grayson. Hey! Remember me? It's Kristie."
Dick looked at her and thought back, fairly certain that he hooked up with her at some point a year or so ago, but couldn't quite recall. His stomach churned at that thought. Could he possibly feel worse about himself? For yet another time that night, he wondered why he had chosen to go to Lincoln instead of a hospital he didn't work at, where he wasn't so well known.
"Hi, Kristie." Dick shifted uncomfortably and closed his eyes.
Noticing the scene, Bruce decided to leave for a bit. He knew Dick's reputation as well as anyone. He was apt to say something that would have lead to an argument and it was not the time or the place. Bruce also was concerned where Kori was. They had gotten separated in the emergency room and he had just found out that she hadn't seen Dick yet. They were usually attached at the hip and knew that in this case especially that she would be there for him. Where was she? Something must have happened. Why hadn't she made it up to the preoperative suite? She certainly would have been were strained enough between the couple, that Bruce was aware of, even if he was not aware of the extent of their difficulties. Now was not the moment for Kori to walk in while Dick was being fawned over by the staff nurse. "Dick, I'm going to stretch my legs. I'll be back in a bit."
"I shall join you, sir," Alfred added.
"All right," Dick answered, opening his eyes and then staring out the window at the lights of the parking structure below.
After Bruce and Alfred left, Kristie fiddled with Dick's IV line and began to chat away. "Is that your father? He seems too young to be your dad."
"I'm adopted."
"Oh! That explains it!" Kristie continued in a cheery voice as she had popped out two syringes from her pocket and injected the contents into Dick's IV port. "How are thing's going with that nurse you're dating in the ER? Lori is it?"
"Her name is Kori," Dick corrected, groaning inwardly as he thought about how he had treated her and how this entire evening, how he ended up being there, had come to pass.
"Kori, that's right. She's royalty or something, right? Yes, a Princess. I saw something on TMZ and I heard the girls chatting in the break room but I don't read the paper and..."
Dick tuned out the young adult along with much of the rest of the world. He had noticed a slight burn when the Ativan, an anti-anxiety medication and then the Dilaudid, a pain medication that was ordered by Red, was given, but hadn't paid attention to what was going on and hadn't seen Kristie pushed each of the meds or flushed the lines with saline in between. Then he felt the combination of the medications kick in, the weightlessness and grogginess that went with it. It could have been a number of medications that produced that effect, but it was then he knew he was given something and wasn't told.
Dick's tone was angry, "Did you just give me something in my IV?"
"Uh... yes-s-s Dick, uh, Dr. Grayson, Xavier... uh, Dr. Red ordered Ativan and Dilaudid after your surgery was delayed."
"And you gave me medications like those without telling me while I'm awake and talking to you?"
"Sorry, I didn't think... we were talking and..." Kristie sounded like she was going to cry and Dick had to take pity on her, as egregious a mistake as it was.
"Look, it's fine Kristie," Dick said, looking at her for a moment before again closing his eyes. "Sorry I yelled." Noticing she remained near he added. "Don't worry, no harm, no foul. Just don't make a habit of giving meds to awake patients, especially your coworkers." He drew in a long breath and let out a sigh as the slight euphoria began. He glanced at Kristie again. "I won't say anything about not telling me you were going to give me the medication. I just need some time alone. When you're finished, can you step out?"
"Sure Dr. Grayson. I'll be out of your way right now."
TtTtTtTtTt
In Vic's office, Kori stood up, slightly more animated as she came back into the moment. Her dissociative state had protected her during the moments immediately following seeing Dick and Barbara kiss and interact intimately and after Babs spoke so defiantly to her, but reality was returning. She was able to recall things fully, but push had a healthy ability to push them aside. She could quite simply coexist with those memories for the moment. There would be a chance to think them through, assess them, and to properly deal with them later.
"Kori, are you able to tell me what's going on? Is there anything we can do?" Vic said gently, sitting in front of Kori as Karen sat to her side. Karen's shift was over and the ER had thinned out so Vic had time to concentrate on Kori.
Kori spoke in a monotone, averting her gaze to the area of the wall between them, "I did the dissociating for a bit. It happens to me once in a while."
"Really Kori? That's not common." Vic said, wincing slightly at his response. He spoke without thinking and worried he came off as judgmental.
"In my case, it would not have been unexpected. I saw my parents and brother blow up just a few yards in front of me," she said in uncharacteristic bluntness. "At least that is what the psychiatrist in Switzerland told me after I did the dissociating the first few times after I left Tamaran."
In the ER, Vic and Karen had seen a lot throughout years of education, training, and working, but that never prepares one fully when something extraordinary happens, especially to a loved one.
"Kori, I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I guess we don't have all the details of your life before, before you left Tamaran." Karen spoke compassionately and from the heart, not trying to hide how thrown she was not only the statement, but also by Kori's delivery.
Kori looked up at her friend and for the first time since Red had brought her to Vic office, there was a some spark of life in her eyes, as opposed to the void, the dullness that had been there. "It was a long time ago and as you know, I do not speak of my time as the prin-, my childhood in Tamaran."
"Kori, can I asked what triggered it tonight, I mean what triggered the dissociative event?" Vic had to ask; if Kori was talking, he might as well keep the dialog open.
"Oh." Kori remained eerily calm and drew a steady breath, not for effect but to push through and be able to say it, "I saw Barbara and Dick doing the kissing." Kori hadn't called her boyfriend Dick since before they dated.
"I'm killing him," Vic said in a low tone. Karen and Kori looked up at him and noticing that neither had surprise on their faces, Vic added, "I guess that goes without saying."
Kori's face softened, partially due to the protectiveness of her friends and also in part to the thought of Richard. No matter what, she loved him. "Perhaps I need the entire story. We all do."
Karen furrowed her brow. She was not going to let Kori cave or let Dick get away with much. If Kori didn't know that about Karen already, she'd know soon enough.
"Don't forgive him..." Kori looked up expectantly, but with Karen's answers based on what had been privileged discussion between Dick and her while she was working on his wounds in the treatment room, so she added, "if he's done something wrong. Or at least, make sure he suffers." She fought to keep her face impassive. "Kori, what are you going to do now?"
"I am unclear. It will depend on what has transpired between Barbara and Richard." She paused to consider how much she wanted to discuss openly, and decided to say something. She had to talk to someone about things between her and Richard, even in broad terms. "There were some other difficulties already. Perhaps I should go back to the Embassy tonight. Perhaps I can ask Dick to leave until I can find alternative arrangements. I will figure it out. But until that point, I am unable to make any decisions sitting here, and I really should find out what has happened to Richard." She stiffened up again, awash with fear. "I may have difficulty leaving because of the press. I mean leaving here."
"We can find out where Dick is. Probably in the OR by now. But with the press, it may not be a problem, Kori," Vic tried to assure her. "At least no one has tried to get in here so far. But then again, it's the ER."
"Yes, I imagine that is a matter of time. It is also because it is my coworkers, my friends that are here. Although Barbara is turning out to be no friend."
"It'll work out Kori, you'll see," Karen added.
"I hope that you are correct Karen. I cannot even allow myself to hope at this point."
"Should I go get my things, Kori? I can leave with you and we can figure out your next step. Vic can you stay with her while I change?"
"Karen, I am not sure of I should leave Richard. I have not seen him-"
"Oh you saw them. Vic stay with Kori, I'll get you home."
"Sure, I'll stay with the little lady. Should I contact Bruce Wayne? I imagine he is upstairs in the waiting area with Dick."
Kori flinched this time when Dick's name was mentioned. She felt torn, but didn't protest to Karen's idea right away. Should she see what was happening with Dick or leave? He had made his decision. But then on the other had, she had given him her heart, she couldn't just walk away, could she?
"Hang in there, I'll be right back," Karen said before she left.
"Should I call Commissioner Gordon? I mean, in case the press has heard that you are here." Vic asked gently. Not much time had passed and certainly there was still interest in the couple, and especially in Kori. And if there was any leak of Dick's injury, which was likely or Barbara's presence or worse yet the indiscretion, the press and the paparazzi would have a field day.
"That is ironic, is it not, that Mr. Gordon would be the one to call?" Kori said with a sad smile.
"You said it. Damn Babs. Damn Dick. I'll check with security and see if anyone is outside the ER and contact DCPD."
TtTtTtTtTt
Karen had just stepped out of the ER when she ran into Bruce Wayne. "Bruce, glad you're here. Kori is in Vic's office."
Bruce and Alfred followed Karen back to Vic's office.
Kori jumped up when they arrived. "How is Richard?"
"He's fine, Kori." Bruce said, grasping her shoulder. "The surgery is delayed for a bit however."
"Then I must see him," Kori said resolutely.
"Is that a good idea?" Karen asked. Her sentiment was echoed by the others.
"Why would it not be? No matter what has transpired, I still have an opportunity to see him before his surgery and must do so." The firmness in Kori's tone kept the others from countering her further.
Without any more discussion, Bruce led Kori, Karen and Alfred to Dick's preoperative suite.
TtTtTtTtTt
As the medication took effect, the relaxation and euphoric effects made things seem so much clearer in Dick's mind. Part rationalization, part revisionist history, part wishful thinking and part being the cocky suave playboy he had always been, Dick started feeling as though this was only a minor bump in the road when it came to his relationship with Kori.
He let the feelings wash over him as his brain worked it through using the Ativan-and-Dilaudid-fueled logic. Kori was his and he was hers but he was allowed to have feelings towards Babs. They were justified. Kori couldn't blame him. No, not really. He and Kori were both in their thirties, supposedly completely in love and getting married. And she was still pushing him away even after they had planned to marry!
When she was engaged before – oh that got him angry, really, really angry, more than he'd ever admit out loud – Karras had been cheating on her, so why couldn't he? Well, even though that was a completely valid argument in his current state, he did resolve to hold it back and to use it only in case he really needed ammunition that powerful.
No arguments weren't the answer, not the first tactic at least, finesse was. Dick knew his strength. He would use his charm on her, he had charmed lots of women. Lots and lots. He had charmed lots of women out of their virtue in fact. Although Kristie's virtue had been long gone, she was proof that very night of the power of Dick's notorious charm.
As he drifted off to sleep, Dick resolved to seduce the hell out of Kori the next chance he had, as soon as he got out of the hospital. It needn't wait due to his injury: he had enough practice and he could certainly do it with one hand tied behind his back – or something like that.
TtTtTtTtTt
Kori reached Dick's room and paused for no more than a moment to look back and give a reassuring smile to her friends before entering his room alone. Prepared for what she might face, she had no fear that she would react badly. The only reason for her earlier episode was the surprise of it all. But was it really a surprise? She would need to reflect on that later, and what she had just started to plan as her next step would offer her a lot of opportunity to reflect on that and many other things.
When she stepped in to Richard's room, it so turned out that there wasn't much to react to. Kori took in the appearance of the sleeping man in the bed, a man who was not at all peaceful in his sleep. His face looked nothing short of tortured and his hand was heavily bandaged. There were some minor scrapes to both arms and his face, his clothes replaced by a dingy light blue hospital gown, presumably haphazardly tied in the back.
Her clinician's eye and mind quickly concluded that it was not physical pain, but more likely pain from the mind, whether psychological or spiritual. His sleep was not a refuge. Awakening him would not worsen his condition as it would with physical pain
She had decided before she entered the room that she would say nothing about Barbara or any of their difficulties. In fact that if he brought it up, she would deflect the conversation away from those topics. Kori planned to say hello and wish him well and let him know that she had been there and that she loved him and that would be the extent of it.
As opposed to the bravado of the Ativan and Dilaudid infused haze as he drifted off to sleep, in Dick's dreams he was a crippled shell of a man, more nearly reflecting how he had been feeling prior to the drug's hold: out of control, worthless, undeserving.
He was losing Kori again, only this time, rather than being told she was dead in an explosion, in his dream, he had caused the explosion.
He woke up with a start and grabbed Kori's hands with his unbandaged left hand. Prepared for anything, Kori barely jumped at Richard's grasp or at the way he woke up.
TtTtTtTtTt
"How's Kori doing?" Bruce asked Karen.
"Well, better I guess." Karen answered.
"Is she that upset about Dick's hand or not seeing him prior to surgery?"
Karen looked at Bruce, her brow knitted. "Not about his hand – oh, I guess you don't know about..."
"Unfortunately I do know, Dick just said something, I didn't know Kori knew about Babs and Dick."
"She saw them in the ER."
"So that's why she never saw Dick down there or came up to preop. I couldn't imagine why she wouldn't have seen him before surgery – so that's why. She must have been devastated."
"She was, well she is. She needs to figure what her next move is."
TtTtTtTtTt
"Star, is that you?" Richard asked, his eyes wild.
"Yes, Richard." Kori remained calm.
"Are you all right?" his voice was insistent.
She couldn't help but smile. "Do not worry about me. How are you?"
"I don't deserve you." His eyes welled up.
"Richard-"
"Kori, I don't. I keep doing horrible things. I don't know why. I don't deserve you or your love-"
"Richard, we do not need to discuss this now. I am here for you."
"Please don't be, Kori."
"What do you mean, Richard?"
"You deserve better."
"Richard, let us not speak about this now."
"Kori, please, I'm not good enough. I didn't deserve getting you back."
"Richard, please, will will worry about this later. Remember, it is my choice and I love you."
"You're too good for me. I think you need to think about things, about the kind of man I am."
"Richard, I know your heart."
"Kori, I've done some things I shouldn't have."
"I know."
"You do?"
"Yes, but we talk open a dialog after your surgery. Just know that I love you. I always have and I always will. I have given you my love, my heart."
"I didn't deserve it then or now, and I'm so sorry. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to make it up to you or if you want me to."
"As I asked you before, is it not my decision?"
"It is."
"Do you wish to be punished? Do you wish me to do the breaking up with you?"
"No. Yes. No. But I don't deserve you. I don't deserve that you came back to me but I do love you. I always have and I always will."
"And I love you. In many ways it is that simple."
"Simple? I think that I need to understand why I mess up all the time."
"Do you need the break from us?"
"I don't want it, but I am destroying us. Do you want a break?"
"Want it no. But if you need it... I will think what is best... perhaps... Do you not think we both do? Do you think that you are doing the messing up for a reason, and perhaps you need to find that reason?"
He nodded. Tears fell freely God have mercy on the man that doubts what he's sure of.
The orderly appeared at the door. "We are ready for you in the OR"
"Good luck, Richard." She gave him a sad smile and something told her he understood that she would be leaving. "I love you, Richard."
"I love you always, Koriand'r"
TtTtTtTtTt
To be continued...
TtTtTtTtTt
Sorry folks, had to stop it there...
Next up, Kori leaves a Dear Richard letter and then heads out of town to somewhere Richard won't be able to go to...
Sorry for the wait and please review.
"God have mercy on the man that doubts what he's sure of", the last line from the song Brilliant Disguise, written by Bruce Springsteen, from he album Tunnel of Love, released 1987
A little explanation about the IV - an IV is the intravenous line into a vein that runs continuously with IVF or IV fluids. The are ports, accessable areas where the nurse or doctor can inject medication into the line and therefore into the vein of the patient. There are very strict protocol for what is known as 'pushing' meds. Some need to be given over a certain number of minutes, some have to be given while vital signs are assessed (heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen level), some can't be given with other medications. Also, after a medication is given, the line is usually 'flushed with 5 cc's (a tablespoon) of saline (0.9% NaCl = salt) solution which is the same saltiness as our tears and roughly as our blood.