Stiiill don't own DGM.
Hours had passed since the room had fallen silent and the moon was illuminating parts of it with a cold light. Allen had fallen asleep a while after Kanda had, turning things over in his mind until he had passed out- never knowing exactly when sleep had taken control. While Allen slept quietly, Kanda was restless. He was deep asleep, but tossing and turning with an occasional muttered phrase and changing facial expressions. Nightmares gripped people on a regular basis, usually nonsensical and fantastic in the content, but for Kanda nightmares were memories- memories that the subconscious twisted and warped from the 'what had been' with the swordsman deepest fears and most irrational feelings.
"Why can't you leave me alone!" Kanda's voice broke halfway through, even as he averted his eyes from the boy staring at him with cold eyes.
"Why can't you admit anything to yourself?" The other snapped back, arms crossing over his chest. Kanda glared at him, eyes burning with welling tears. He couldn't admit anything consciously, because he already knew that the anger and pain that would follow could leave him as someone he never wanted to be. A snort drew the swordsman's eyes to the other's face. Kanda wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion at the smile the other showed, though the warmth never touched his eyes. "Oh, so you did admit it. Even though you refuse to acknowledge as much."
"Stop toying with me! Is this your revenge, then? To never allow me peace, until I fix what's wrong?" Kanda shot back, fury hardening his voice, stopping the tremors. "Or won't you be satisfied until I'm dead, too?" The other's features darkened at that, until he looked more deadly and angry than Kanda could ever recall. Fear lanced through the swordsman's heart, turning his blood to ice.
"What if I said I would never rest, and never let you rest until I killed you with my own hands? What would you do then, Kanda? Would you kill me, yourself?" He spat back, every word laced with venom. "Maybe I don't want you to live a life in any form of happiness. Maybe I don't want you to ever be capable of being loved again, or loving again. What, did that hurt you? You? The high-and-mighty Kanda? Please, your heart is as cold as the steel of your blade. Tell me, darling, did you cry when I died? Or were you relieved, since I was such a bother to you!" Kanda flinched and drew in a startled breath. His one-time friend opened his mouth to continue-
"KANDA!" He jerked awake, instinctively reaching for Mugen, blurry eyes trying desperately to focus in the near-dark. When he could see a little better, but no clearer, he could see silver hair glinting in moonlight, wide grey eyes that looked terrified. Kanda dropped the hand that was trying to find his sword, realizing that he was breathless and shaking. Allen looked like he was torn between having a panic attack and trying to find a doctor.
"What, Allen." Kanda tried to sound like normal, like he was angry at being woken, but his voice was unsteady and trembling. He drew in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. He had had much worse nightmares than just verbal abuse, so much worse. He scowled and dropped his eyes from concerned grey, furious that he had allowed a slip-up of this magnitude to happen around someone else. He had never wanted anyone to find out about these dreams, Allen least of all. While others might be worried, they feared him enough to keep their mouths shut. Allen? No, that one didn't fear Kanda enough, as far as the swordsman was concerned. It didn't help that he behaved too similar to that old friend….
"Kanda, you were crying. Don't you even try to pretend you're fine." Allen's eyes narrowed, and he watched as Kanda stiffened and slowly touched his own face; staring at his damp fingers like they didn't belong to him. "Just what the hell were you dreaming about? I thought you were having a fit or something! You kept flinching like you'd been shot." Kanda growled, trying to find the energy to pretend to be angry. He deadened his expression and met Allen's eyes with hollow cobalt.
"It doesn't matter to you." His voice was wrong, too, dead. "Stop trying to get close to me, Allen. You'll regret it." He turned away again, eyes slowly closing. Hopefully Allen would leave him alone now, and go sulk for the rest of the night. Kanda hoped without really putting any faith into it. Allen was more stubborn than anyone else he had met, save one.
"You've already given me plenty of reasons to regret trying, stupid." Allen levelled back, resisting the urge to slap the older Exorcist. From the way Kanda's head snapped back to glare at him, it seemed like he may as well have.
"You know nothing." Kanda breathed quietly, sounding more deadly than when he was yelling. "You know nothing of what horrors lurk around me." Cobalt stared into grey, unblinking. Kanda was trying to think of the right words to say, words that would hurt the boy's feelings enough that he would stay back. Kanda knew that his old friend was gone, but the words from his nightmare still echoed in his mind, and he feared them somehow coming true. He didn't think that his heart could take the loss of another friend and still function right. Kanda knew as well as any other that Death could be around the next doorframe. Unlike the rest, he fought against that inevitability by forming loose bonds with others, though he preferred to have none. Allen had, somehow, gotten much closer than a loose tie, and Kanda was inwardly scared of that. Scared at the power the other held over him, strong enough that he'd nearly killed himself to keep the other alive more than once. That was a bond more than 'coworker,' more than 'friend.' Kanda wouldn't die for a friend, even if he'd do everything possible to keep them living. He wasn't that noble, he had a bigger agenda. So then, if he had nearly died for Allen, what did that make the boy to him? Could he just pass it off as a use for the orb in his heart, a reason behind that tattoo? Could he pass it off as a duty because he could heal from what others could not? Kanda wasn't known for thinking things through, but that just sounded stupid even to him.
"I can't know anything if you don't tell me." Allen dropped onto the floor, sighing. He ran a hand through his hair, wishing that he could just stop caring about the cold-appearing swordsman, but knowing that it was hopeless. That coldness had pissed him off at first, until he had come to realize that it was a defense to try to protect a gentle heart. One that was more fragile than he had guessed, it appeared, because Kanda had been scared during that nightmare. Allen frowned at the memory of Kanda crying in his sleep, begging his internal tormentor to stop. While Allen didn't know what had transpired, nor what lurked in the darkness of Kanda's past to elicit such a dream, he wanted to know. Even though it would be painful and dark, he wanted to know. Allen sighed again, wondering just what it would take for Kanda to realize that he couldn't be gotten rid of so easily, that he wasn't shallow enough to only pretend to be friends with someone. That their tie was so weak that a lie and a blank glare could turn him away.
"I don't want to tell you." Kanda whispered back, turning to stare at the wall beside him. Allen started, unsure of whether or not he was meant to hear that. Kanda murmured something else, too quiet for Allen to hear. You're too close to me already.
The younger Exorcist pretended to not have heard, since it was so out of character for the swordsman to say anything like that. An almost awkward silence descended on the room, the only noises where the slight rustle of fabrics when one of them would shift their position a little and the soft shush of wind outside. Kanda's breathing had long lost any hint of irregularity and he stared blankly at a patch of moonlight on the floor. If he looked at it just right, it almost looked like there was a flower in it. Okay, that's enough of thinking down that track. I don't feel like hallucinating right here and now. Kanda slowly closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath. He held it. And let it out just as slowly. He repeated the pattern, trying to center himself and find a sense of calm. Behind his closed eyes, he could see her. But, as always, he couldn't see her clearly. It was like looking up at someone standing over you when the sun was at high noon. She was all warmth and light and peacefulness. Kanda roughly shook his head. That wasn't him, that wasn't the memories of Yuu Kanda. The other man in his head, the broken one, quieted with a soft moan of pain, the vision of her gone in a sea of blood and flickering explosions and bone-shattering pain.
Kanda opened his eyes, eyebrows drawn tight in repressed anger and pain, and looked straight into the worried eyes of Allen. Kanda's eyes widened in shock before he forced his expression to smooth out. He wished he was drunk because he could pass this all off on that. Wait, no, he couldn't get drunk. But did Allen know that? Fuck, he couldn't remember what Allen knew about his regenerative ability and he wasn't curious (or masochistic enough) to try to find out. He wanted to tell Allen everything. That was dangerous. Very, very few knew of the Second Exorcist project. Kanda knew that the younger viewed the Order as a family to him and the swordsman was reluctant to break that perfect vision. Allen could be unpredictable and the last thing Kanda wanted was for him to try to confront anyone over what had been done to Kanda. Done to Alma…. Alma had suffered the worst.
"Quit staring at me." Kanda snapped, all of his old ire back in his dark eyes. Allen sighed. He had the feeling that he had almost gotten to the root of Kanda's problem.
"Then stop acting like you're going to explode. You remind me of Lavi when that one woman completely ignored him and his fascination with her." Allen paused. Kanda internally groaned, he could almost see the proverbial light bulb going off.
"No."
"I haven't said anything yet!"
"You were going to and it was going to be stupid. And wrong."
"How would you know if I haven't said it yet?"
"It's you." Kanda rolled his eyes. He had no intention of listening to whatever cock-and-bull notion Allen had this time. He dropped heavily on his side, hissing softly at the pain from his bad shoulder, and stared at the wall again. He was willing Allen to go back to bed and leave him to his own silent misery. He closed his eyes when Allen started talking again. He never could leave well enough alone.
"You know, you're acting like you're lovesick. In addition to the usual Ice Prince attitude to try to make people dislike you. What'd you do, end up falling for someone?" Allen was halfway teasing and halfway serious. He wasn't sure what answer would annoy him more, yes or no. Yes would mean someone else got under Kanda's skin and no would be so boring.
"Excuse me?" Kanda's voice was deathly calm and very quiet. Allen hid a wince. Okay, not a smart track to take. "Where in the hell did you get that idea? Do I look like the kind of person who associates with anyone when I'm not forced to?"
"I don't stalk you, so there's plenty of time outside missions, the infirmary, meals, and training." Allen replied shortly, crossing his arms. He set sail on this ship, might as well see if it sinks or not. "You never get overly mad at Lenalee. Miranda's too timid for your temper, but I've seen Lenalee hit you more than once and you didn't do anything other than scowl at the wall."
"For the love of God, are you insane? Only Lavi would be stupid enough to try and date her! Komui would engineer something to kill whoever tried and, much as you haven't seen to notice, I'm not trying to die." Yet. He added silently to himself. "I don't cause needless violence unless provoked and I was raised not to hit girls. Unless they've got a machine coming out of their face and are trying to kill me." Tiedoll would have had a fit if Kanda allowed his temper to rule him in everything. He'd probably want to have a 'fatherly chat' and those were uncomfortable, embarrassing, and horrifying. Kanda had dealt with three in his time under the General and wanted to suffer no more.
"So maybe you like guys." Allen laughed at him. Kanda's expression was caught somewhere between disgust, horror, shock, embarrassment, and angry. It was a funny look and not one Allen had ever seen on his face before. "Don't let your face freeze like that."
"Oh my God, shut up! You spout ideas that get increasingly more stupid the longer your mouth is open!" Kanda finally found his voice. His hands had curled into fists and his face was slightly red where it wasn't pale. "If you even follow that train of thought, I'll run you through. Or maybe you'd like to have your arm fixed by Komui again?" It wasn't a question as much as it was an open threat. Everyone had heard Allen's horrified screams that first day he'd been at the Order. Predictably, Allen scowled.
"Don't touch my arm." He sounded vaguely threatening.
"Then stop poking at my pride." Kanda answered, laying himself back down and closing his eyes. He was hoping this was just some kind of stupid dream he would wake up from and could pretend didn't happen. He heard the soft scuff as Allen got off the floor and crossed the room. He couldn't see the slight smile on the other's face when he dropped into his own bed.
"Good to hear that you're feeling yourself again." Allen rolled so he had his back to the room and yawned. He wasn't much of a late night person unless there was a reason to be. He fell asleep quickly, smirking and mulling over the tiny bits of information he had picked up from what Kanda hadn't said, as much as what he had. Needling the swordsman had proved useful. In addition to getting him to relax from whatever nightmare he had been trapped in. Allen was a little smug.
Across the room, Kanda growled slightly. The little idiot was right. He did feel better, even if he felt annoyed. Kanda rubbed his forehead and sighed. He had the nasty feeling that this conversation wasn't over. Allen was like a bloodhound on a trail sometimes and he wouldn't stop until he got his answers- one way or another. Kanda would have to watch himself more carefully than ever so he didn't give anything away.