VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com
Logan Henderson
BlogPost 002
Fuck, man
So, let me tell all of you one thing I know for sure; filing for a divorce is a fucking cluster fucked mess, okay? Going through a divorce is just a huge mess of everything. It's awful, like pulling teeth while sitting in a bathtub holding a toaster. A mess.
But that's not really important just yet, we'll get caught up and to present day eventually.
But let's get this story started, the day I came home from college. Ah, such a terrible fucking day.
Now Entering Charming, California. Keep our little town charming.
I was really hoping I'd feel happier than I did seeing that sign, but I really didn't. When you leave home it's the hardest thing in the world, but they don't tell you that's it's a lot harder to go back after being gone for so long.
Pennsylvania was a nice place, I loved Pittsburgh and I loved my friends. Leaving them behind was so fucking hard. But I really did miss this place, especially my parents and Donna and the baby. It's weird how time makes things happen. I hated Donna when her and Opie first started dating my Junior year. Opie was like a brother to me, and I just thought she was a stuck-up bitch. But that's not the case at all. She's one of the sweetest people I've ever gotten to know, and I was so excited to see her.
But that was it. After the thrill of seeing her and my parents was done, I wouldn't be so happy, so excited, anymore. It was just coming back to this place, dealing with the emotins and pain I had dealth with for the past 4 years.
I knew Jax got married last year, and that sucked. He had barely even paid any attention to me the last, I don't know, 10 times I came into town? Yeah, pretty shitty. Nothing I can do about it now.
I nearly missed Donnas house from letting my thoughts go too deep. I turned into her drive way, right behind her vehicle. My parents said they would be stopping over a little later, we were having a small cook out. I lit a cigarette and began walking into the back yard, startled when I heard yelling.
"WELCOME HOME!" Everyone screamed. So many fucking people. All of the club, my parents, friends of the club, a few people I had stayed in contact with after High School. Jax, his very pregnant junkie wife. Christ, she looked awful. That poor fucking baby.
Donna came waddling over to me, her huge 8-month-pregnant belly meeting me before any other part of her body. I hugged her tight, and she hugged me tighter. It was so nice to see her, God.
It was even better seeing my parents sitting at a table over her shoulder. I couldn't help it but I pulled away quick and went running over to them, my dad scopping my up off the ground like he did when I was a little girl. Home.
"Hello, princess," he gave me a kiss on the cheek, setting me back down. I leaned over and hugged my mother tight, basking in the smell of our house on her clothes.
"How was your drive, honey?" My mom asked, clearing the seat next to her. I sat down, crossing my legs.
"Good, not too bad. I'm sure I'll have a nice sleep tonight. Are you guys still okay with me staying with you for the next few nights until I get the key to my apartment?" My mother gave the dumbest look.
"Of course! Why would we ever have a problem with that, sweetheart?" She gave me a quick side hug, and then her attention snapped to my dad who was going over to play corn-hole with a few of the guys from the MC.
"I'm gonna go talk to Donna and Lindsey." I patted my moms legs and got up, walking back over to preggers and her sister.
"Logan, feel!" Donna grabbed my arm and jabbed it to her stomach, my newest little niece or nephew kicking up a storm. I couldn't help but smile. I leaned down to her stomach, rubbing it a bit.
"Listen here, kiddo. We really need you to have a vagina, your momma and I are already out numbered, help us out." Donna rolled her eyes, chuckling.
"I hope it's a girl, too." That voice was all too familiar. I spun around to see Gemma standing behind me, arms wide open. God, I loved that woman. Though I'm sure Jax didn't know, I had seen her every single time I've come to town. We always managed to spend a little bit of time together, she was like a second mother to me in my teen years.
"Was your drive okay, babe?" She asked, pulling away from our hug.
I nodded, pushing a piece of my stray hair behind my ear. I shoved my thumbs into my back pockets. "Are you excited to be a grandma?" I motioned by head over to her son and his nearly-nodded-out pregnant wife.
She laughed and crossed her arms. "As soon as she pops that baby out, she's gone. I hope she over doses, to be honest. Once that child is born, I don't care. You know they're divorced already, right?" She laughed. I felt the twinkle in my eye at that statement, and I fucking hated it. "Literally married for a month, file for a divorce. Still continue to fuck, and now here we are. Having to be a fucking baby sitter cause she can't put the crank and needle down."
I wanted to keep listening, and I wanted to act like I cared. I didn't care about her, I agreed with Gemma completely. Fuck her. She got everything I ever fucking wanted. NO. No, wrong, Logan. Bad. Wrong! No, but fuck her, seriously. I was hoping Jax wouldn't notice I was staring at him; God damn, what 4 years does to someone. He was gorgeous when I left, and the years just helped him improve.
I watched a potential bad situation getting ready to go down; Jax was talking to Opie, and I watched Wendy, the junkie preggers, try and sneak off to the garage, her purse in her clutch.
I nugged Gemma. She turned around from talking to Donna.
"Huh?" I simply pointed to Wendy and she lost it.
"God damn it!" she yelled across the yard. Ah, Gemma. Sweet, crazy, bat-shit-insane, Gemma.
Wendy snapped around, pulling her purse closer to her body.
"Really?" Jax walked over to her, face red; he was angry, I could tell. "You just really can't stop, fucking once?" he ripped her purse out from under her arm and dumped it out on the sidewalk, needles, spoons and little crank filled bags falling out.
"You're fucking pregnant, Wendy!" Even Opie got on her. It's a terrible thing when you're an addict, but being a pregnant addict was other level shit. I kind of felt bad for her, everyone ganging up against her, but at the same time, I didn't at all. She wasn't hurting herself, she was hurting her child. Jaxons child. Oh, fuck. Why did I care this much?
I stood back and watched them all yell at her, and then Jax grab her arm, not hard, just hard enough for her to follow him. He took her to their car, and we heard him saying he was taking her home. He wasn't dealing with her.
Since drama seemd to be a usual thing around this place, no one missed a beat. They just went back to what they were doing before. Gemma made her way back over to us.
"I just can't stand it," she bitched. "Out of all the people that dumbass could have gotten pregnant, it was her. Holding out hope that it'd be you." I felt my cheeks turn completely red. Every fucking time, huh, Gemma? Literally every time I've ever spoken to her it's always about how she just wished Jax had been with me, because we would have been perfect together and she loved me. It kind of got on my nerves, because it was exactly how I felt, but I was really trying to push that away.
"I just hope she can hold out for a little while longer, that baby isn't close to ready yet. She's only 30 weeks. I'm 35 and they still don't want me to go for at least another 3." Donna rubbed her stomach, I could see her mom face come on. Little Toby started crying and instantly, she was across the yard, picking him up out of his play pin. He had just turned 1 about a month ago, God he was getting so big.
I felt someone gently punch my shoulder, and I spun around. "OPE!" I yelled, finally getting the chance to see and talk to him since Jax left with Wendy. I gave him a big bear hug, and he kissed the top of my head.
"Was your drive alright?"
I nodded. "Yeah, it was nice. Lots of scenery." He smiled, nodding.
"Good, good." He got a little closer to where Gemma and Lindsey couldn't hear us. "So listen," he started. "If you aren't doing anything later tonight, Jax said you should stop by the club house." I was fucking shocked. I could literally feel how open and surprised my face was, and Opie knew exactly what I was thinking; he just shrugged. "But you should stop." And he walked away.
So, you see where things got a little fuckered up that first day home, huh? Yeah, no. This was just the first few hours I was back. Let's get into the first night I was back, shall we? God, one of the best/worst days ever.
I helped Donna and Gemma clean everything up from the party, and stayed around until Donna got Toby down for bed. She looked exhausted.
"I'm gonna head out for the night," I hugged her tight. "I'll call you tomorrow when I get up, maybe me, you and Toby can go to lunch or something." She nodded, smiling. Donna and I loved our girl time, for sure.
I left, closing her door behind me. I got in my car and pulled out my phone, dialing Opies cell phone number. He answered on the third ring, and I could tell he was at the club house.
"You coming?" he asked, I could hear the music and laughs in the background, the sound of pool balls clacking against one another.
"Yeah. I need to buy a quarter, also. I'll be there in 15." Ope let out a chuckle before hanging out. That was his, "Yeah, same old Logan I've always known" laugh.
I turned the radio on, finding something decent to listen to while I drove. No matter all the MCs and illegal activity and violence, Charming was a beautiful and quiet town at night. I loved driving it with the windows down.
Ah, MGK. You can never go wrong with MGK.
I pulled up to the T&M Garage where I had spent so many years of my youth hanging out. It became my home away from home, and everyone here became my family. I couldn't wait to be back in this atmosphere.
I parked next to Opie's bike, grabbing my things and heading inside the clubhouse. As soon as I walked in a cloud of smoke fogged my vision. I walked througt, all of the familiar members coming into sight.
"Look at this little Las!" Chibs made his way over to me, hugging my tight with one arm, his other hand occupied with a pool stick. Bobby was the next to hug me; pepperoni and cigarettes, what a great smell. Tig came lastly, hugging me the tightest of all.
After talking to them for a minute, I found Opie and made my way over.
"About time, fucking slow poke." he joked at me, pulling a bar stool out for me. One of the crow eaters came up and took my drink order; captain and coke.
"Shut up, Winston." he elbowed him. "Someone had to make sure Donna was all taken care of and tucked in." I winked at him. He rolled his eyes. Ah, it was always fun to fuck with Ope. "So where's my tree?" I asked, tossing him $70.
"Catch, Hendy." and like cat fucking reflexes I caught that bag with one hand, looking up to see who tossed it. "Still got those reflexes." Jax came over, sitting down in the stool next to me. My face felt hot, but I tried to remain calm.
"Yeah, I guess so." I really didn't even know what to say, so it was a good thing he did the talking.
"So I'm sorry I couldn't see you, erm, the last few times you came into town. I've been busy." The last FEW times? Fuck you, seriously. I want to throw my drink in his face, but I'm not that crazy. I think I'm growing as a person.
"Yeah, I see that." I drank back the rest of my drink and had the Crow Eater get me another one. "Getting married, getting divorced, having a kid. Living the dream, huh?" That was bitchy, I knew it was. But he deserved it. I felt mostly bad for Opie, he was just sitting there, observing, watching two people he cared a lot about being hostile towards one another.
Jax chuckled, taking a big swig of his drink. "Yeah." He was a little pissed. "What have you been up to on the East Coast, yankee hot shot, huh?" I raised my eye brows at him. I was a little heated after that, too. He didn't have the right to be mad at me for leaving this place. It was something all of us talked about doing at one point or another.
"Doing things other than staying stuck in Charming. Making friends, seeing somewhere other than here. Oh yeah, getting a college degree. Bachelors of Science, it's great shit." I was trying to be the biggest fucking asshole possible, but that was a hard feat when it came to Jaxon Teller; he has always been better at being the bigger asshole.
I finished my second drink and while I waited for my third to be poured I busted out my grinder and rolled, quickly rolling a joint, around a gram in it.
I nugged Opie who had started talking to Bobby who walked up a few minutes prior.
"You wanna hit this?" He declined.
"You know Donna doesn't like me coming home smelling like weed." I rolled my eyes. Lies, but I wasn't goint to argue with him.
"I'll smoke it with you."Jax said, finishing off what was left in his glass demanding another drink from the tender.
I took a sip of my new drink and lit the joint, hitting it a few times before deciding if I should pass it to him or not. Probably against my better judgement, I did.
"Listen," he hit it and exhaled. "I'm not trying to be a dick tonight or have hostile feelings." Well it was a little too late for that. "I'm dealing with some shit and I just really wanted to see you and talk to you. You saw the kind of bullshit going on in my life today. I just," he hit it again and then handed it back to me."I needed my Hendy."
He needed his Hendy. This is probably the one statement that had me most fucked up that first day back, to be honest with you. It was something he always said when either of us were having a really hard time and just needed to break down. He needed his Hendy, and I needed my Tell-Tell. It was a dumb cutesie thing we did, but it still meant a lot to me.
"You are going through some shit, aren't you?" And like clockwork, a sign sent from the Heavens, his cell phone rang. He motioned me with a finger 'just a minute' and took the call. I drifted over into the conversation Bobby and Opie were having, puffing on the joint alone. It was a short phone call, and I could tell something was wrong.
He jumped up, chugging down his entire drink and throwing his leahter kutte on.
"I gotta go." he headed for the door. I finished my drink quick, too, and jumped out of my seat as fast as my legs and feet would let me. I barely had ahold of my purse when I was out the door, behind him.
"Jaxon!" I yelled after him. He was headed straight for his bike, starting it up immediately. "What's wrong?!" I asked over the hum of his engine.
"It was Ma." he looked away from me, and then back after composing his emotions. "Wendy shot up too much, they're taking her in to take the baby. It's being born now, I have to go." He was about to speed off, and I grabbed him arm, once again, against my better fucking judgement. I was stupid.
"Let me come with you." He needed his Hendy. He paused for a second and then handed me his helmet. I hopped on the back and we took off; I suddenly felt 17 again, free from everything. When things were different, innocent, and easy.
The ride to St. Thomas was a very short one, especially with how fast Jax was driving. We were off the bike and charing through the halls of the hospital in minutes. We found Gemma sitting in the hallway, and she jumped to her feet as soon as we got there.
"Where is she?" his tone was hurt, I knew that for a fact. It's crazy, even with all this time away, I could still pick up on the little things about him; things that hadn't changed.
"She's in the OR, they took her for a c-section. Clay is on his way here now, I called the club house and told them what's going on. Bobby and Chibbs are gonna take care of everything for right now."
Gemma walked over tome, hugging me, as if I was the one dealing with emotional distress right now. But Jax was never one to let his emotions get the best of him. I think the hug was more for Gemma herself than it was for me.
What was only about another hour felt like days. We sat there in silence, just waiting and waiting. Jax didn't stay around for long periods of time; he'd go to the vending machines, or the cafe, or outside to smoke cigarettes.
Gemma and I did have good timing though. We went out for a quick smoke and upon our return, Wendys doctor was there.
"Call Jax." she whispered to me as she walked up to the doctor.
I called and told him he needed to come back up, and he was there in minutes. The doctor waited for him.
"Mr. Teller?" Jax nodded. "Your, uhm, ex-wife is in a medically induced coma to help with the withdraw she's going to go through over the next few days. Your son is stable, but he does have a lot of major issues. We are going to try and take care of each issue, one at a time, but he will not be going home anytime soon. If you'd like to see him, you can."
He looked stone cold, emotionless. That was when he was at his very worst.
"The three of you can follow me." The doctor walked us back to a small dark room with a little incubater in it, Jaxs beautiful son inside of it. He was so little, the smallest baby I've ever seen. You could tell he was premie. The weight monitor said he wasn't even 4 pounds. He was covered in wires and tubes, all helping him live.
"Oh, hello little boy." Gemma greeted her first grand child in a soft tone. She walked close to him, kneeling down to look him over. "He looks exactly like you as a baby."
I chuckled. I had seen one too many baby pictures to not completely agree with her. He was a spitting image of Jaxon.
One of the NICU nurses came up to Jax.
"Mr. Teller, do you have a name for your son?"
Jax sat down in the chair closest to the incubater, putting his hand up on it, watching his son struggle to take breaths.
"Abel Christopher Teller."
I watched Gemma melt.
"That's the most perfect name for the most perfect little boy." she stood behind her son, hands on his shoulder. "He'll pull through this. He's a fighter, just like his daddy."
I stayed quiet and just observed, but that ended when Jax got up and left the room. Gemma motioned me to follow him, so I did.
I watched him fast stride down the hallway until he got to a bathroom. I ran quick and pushed my way through before he could lock the door behind him.
"I want to be alone right now." he told me sternly.
I locked the bathroom door. "Right. So what that actually means is you need your Hendy."
He looked up at me with those big blue fucking eyes. Those were so shiny, I could tell they were full of tears. He was always so strong, but right now he didn't need to be.
"I know you don-"
And before I continue with what happened, know that the next part was the absolutely biggest fuck up of the century. The fuck up that snowballed the rest of the fuck-ups, if you will. My bad.
I thought my sentence was going to come out, but the wall meeting the back of my head and lips pressed on mine stopped that. I couldn't help it, not one bit. I was weak, I was so fucking weak. I wanted to yell no and run out but GOD DAMN IT I couldn't. I let him kiss me, I like him rough handle me. I let him grab me up by my legs and carry me to the sink. I let him kiss and bite me all up and down.
And I let him slide my pants down and pull his down also. And, god fucking damn it, I let him fuck me on that sink. Right then and there in the hospital. I gave in. I gave in to years of lost time and stacked emotions I've had.
It was the purest form of ecstacy I had ever experiance. It was madness how good it felt on every level, and it seemed to be the same for him, too.
It was the moment I knew I had fucked up. I was completely STILL in love with Jaxon Teller. Head over heels fucking in love with him.
We both got dressed quick and headed out of the bathroom. We were like two fifteen years old having sex for the first time, acting stupid and giddy. I was just glad it made him feel better about the current situation.
We found Gemma standing around in the hallway, waiting. She gave both of us the 'I know what you did' look and then moved on. No need to make a big deal about it.
The three of us left the hospital for the night, I told Jax I would come back with him tomorrow if he wanted.
I rode back to the club house with Jax to get my car and head home.
"So," he kicked the dust under his feet.
"So?" I questioned, leaning against my car and lighting a cigarette.
He bit his lip and looked at me. He craddled my face with his big strong hands, making my head float.
"I can't fix lost time." he began. "But you're here again, and I have to start somewhere. Let me show you I'm sorry."
I didn't know what to think or say in all honesty. My head was so fuzzy, I needed to get some sleep and think about all of this. I was taken back, so fallen over him. It was horrible. So in love it put me in physical pain.
"Let me sleep on it. I'll call you tomorrow and we can go see Abel and talk about it."
He kissed me on the cheek and I left, heading to my parents.
Fuck. My. Entire. Life.
And that was just day 1 of me being back to Charming. I didn't make the best decisions, but I was never very good at doing that. In fact, I sucked most at decision making to be completely honest. But I can't change that now.
To most people it seemed like the perfect happy ending to an almost 10-year-long love story. But let me tell you from experiance, you can't have that perfect happy ending on the day it starts. There's a lot of bullshit that happens still, and I guarantee that bullshit will make it so the ending is anything but happy.
I've been trying to think of where to pick this back up, and I think the day Abel comes home from the hospital will be a good one.
Until my next posts,
Signing off
Logan Henderson-Teller