VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com
Logan Henderson
BlogPost 003
The shit spiral
I am stressed to the fucking max, guys. Divorce papers, mediation hearings, break of testimony. I can't deal with all of this bullshit at once.
Which is why I'm glad I decided to start this blog and let all of this out. It helps. Mostly because, while I tell you the story of how my life got to this point, to this crazy shit storm, I get to think back and remember all the good times.
While things are awful right now, don't believe me if you ever see me say it was all bad, because it really wasn't.
I'm just extremely bitter and want the bad to outweigh the good. While the bad is catostrophic, there were still many more good times than there were bad times.
Like this day, the day Abel got to come home with his father.
Can you tell I'm not in as shitty of a mood today? Still stressed over everything going on currently, but like I said, we'll get ever eventually.
Now, the day little man got to come home. Ah.
It was sickening almost how close Jax and I had been these past two months of me being home. I had started my new teaching job at Charming Heights, I had gotten moved into my apartment. I spent almost all of my free-time with Jax, wherever he was. It mostly at the hospital with him and Gemma, checking up on little Abel. He had gotten so big, and so strong.
I was so excited driving Jaxs Escalade to St. Thomas. I kept peaking into the back seat to look at the empty car seat that would soon have a miniture Jax in it. I was as excited as Jax and Gemma were to bring him home.
I pulled up to the hospital and parked next to Gemmas car, headed in as quick as my feet would work. It was a Friday, so I was the last one to show up, I had to wait for my class to let out; I couldn't be leaving early the first week of school.
When I got inside and to the 5th floor I saw Gemma, staring through the maternity ward window, looking as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning.
"You're here!" she cheered. I ran over, joining the beautiful sight with her. The nurse, whos name was Amber, handed Jaxon his son, fire and tube free for the first time in two months. It was beautiful, and he looked so natural holding him. It was like him looking down at a smaller version of himself.
Jax walked out with him in his arms, smiling.
"Here Abel, go see Gramma." he passed him off to Gemma, and I watched her fall in love all over again.
Jax pulled me to the side, now much more stone and serious.
"What's up?" I asked.
"Wendy. She's here and wants to see him, to come home with us." I wasn't thrilled at that in the least bit, and it looked like he wasn't either. I was gonna take care of this, whether he liked it or not.
"I'll be back." I patted his shoulder, walking away. I was hoping to find her in the visitors area.
I was lucky with that one, cause right there she was sitting. I could still tell she was strung out, she looked higher than hell, and she was scratching something fierce.
"What're you doing here?" she questioned me immediately. I didn't even give her time to say anything else, I grabbed her arm and began walking towards outside. "Hey!" she shouted. I pulled her close.
"Make a scene and I promise nothing the MC could ever do to you would compare to what I'm capable of." She stayed quiet as we made our way outside.
I drug her to the side of the building, and we stopped. I pulled out a cigarette and I was even nice enough to give her one.
"What's going on?" she asked me.
"Why the fuck are you here?" I spat at her
She jumped. "My son is comi-"
I cut her off. "No," I shook my head, and let out a small chuckle. "Not your son. He's Jaxs son, that's it. As far as he knows, you're dead."
She looked hurt, but I didn't care.
"You don't get to say-"
"No, I do. I get to say what Jax would to you if he wasn't so nice right now. Wendy, I will make you this promise; you will NEVER get to call yourself that perfect little boys mother. He was in the hospital for two months because of your stupid choices."
Her eyes filled with tears. Was I evil because I didn't care? Oh well.
"And look at you," I grabbed her arm and ripped her sleeve up. Track marks, everywhere. "You're high as fuck right now, you're using like crazy. You aren't stable to be anyones mother." I took a last hit of my cigarette and threw it. "I'm going to walk back inside this hospital to bring Abel home with his father and grandmother, and you? You're going to leave and go whereever, I don't give a shit, but don't you ever fucking come back here." I pushed her against the wall and got right in her face. "If you do ever come back, I swear on everything precious to me, you'll regret it. You'll wish I'd fucking kill you. Stay far away from Charming, far away from Abel, and far away from Jax." And I spit at her feet. I turned the corner and headed back into the hospital.
I had no remorse over that situation, not a drop. It felt good to tell Wendy-the-junkie just how I felt. How dare she try to walk back into this. You didn't deserve a place here. She couldn't even stay sober for 9 fucking months for her son. Selfish, stupid fucking bitch.
Upon my entrance Jax immediately came over to me.
"What did you do?"
I shrugged, avoiding eye contact. "Nothing." I lied.
He looked at me, knowing my bullshit. "Logan..."
"Nothing you wouldn't approve of. I just let Wendy know her place." And I walked right past him. He didn't seem to have a problem with the truth. We both just moved on.
One of the nurses came over, handing Jax final papers to sign so we could all leave.
"Here, hold him, Logan." Gemma handed the tiny human over to me. I carefully held him, supporting his head, snuggling him close to my chest. He was so beautiful, so precious.
"Hey bubbas." I gave him my index finger, and he wrapped his strong little hand around it. HIs baby blue eyes blinked open, looking straight at me. My heart felt like it had melted into a puddle.
I felt Jax lay his hand on my shoulder. I looked back up at him and he was smiling.
"You ready to go home?" He asked he small son.
We were all so ready.
Well, ready for him to come home.
I don't think any of us, excepy for maybe Gemma, were ready to be first time parents.
Since it was the weekend I was staying at Jaxs, I had my bag packed and everything. I figured it would help him adjust to living with a newborn, also.
But oh boy, we both were biting off more than we could chew right then. Parenting was a lot harder than either of us had assumed.
Everything was fine all evening. Opie and Donna stopped over, and that was great. I hadn't seen her in about two weeks, she was busy adjusting to life as a mother of two. But it was nice to have her there to give us advice. Absolutely insane that Abel was two months older than little Raven but they were about the same size; Abel was only a few ounces bigger than her. Fucking junkie bitch Wendy.
Jax and Opie were out in the garage, talking about something stupid that boys talk about. Who knows. Donna and I sat on the couch, she was holding Abel, I was holding Raven. Toby was fast asleep, laying on Donnas lap.
"She's so beautiful." I brushed my hand soft against her little head, full of lots of thick curly dark hair. She got that from her daddy.
Donna smiled, looking down at Abel. "Isn't it crazy how much he looks like Jax?" I nodded, agreeing completely. If I don't know any better, I'd say Jax made him in a lab. "Shit, I did all the work for these two and they both still look like Opie." She chuckled. "Hoping Raven grows out of that, though." We both laughed at that. Which was a bad move, because it made Raven really fussy. She started whining and I paniced.
"Trade me." I told her, handing the little girl back to her mother. Donna chuckled, switching me babies. Toby woke up too, looking crabby as hell.
"I think it's time we went home." Donna stood up and went into the garage to tell Opie she was ready to leave. I helped her get both kids in their car seats while Abel sat in his swing. We all said our goodbyes and Jax and I closed and locked the door for the night.
We came into the living room to find Abel fast asleep in his swing.
"Think we could sneak a smoke in?" I asked, feeling like I could really use a pick me up. Jax grabbed the baby monitors Gemma has picked up, setting one right next to Abel and taking the other one with us out to the garage. I sat on one of the benches, pulling out a joint of my cigarette pack, lighting it. Jax walked, spreading my legs and walking between them.
"So what did you say to Wendy today?" he asked snatching the joint out of hands to hit himself. I sighed.
"I just told her she wasn't welcome here again and she would never get the chance to be a mother to Abel." I looked at him with wandering eyes, waiting to see or not see his approval.
I sighed a breath in relief. He smirked at me and handed me the joint.
"I think that was the right thing to say." He pushed a little closer to me, grabbing the belt loops on both sides of my shorts. "I'm glad you're staying this weekend. It's going to help a lot." He started genlty rubbing a hand through my hair.
I passed the joint back to him. He hit it once and then flipped it around and pulled my head close to his to give me a shotgun. I took all of it, feeling my head change quick. I was right where I needed to be.
We pulled away, me exhaling and him taking the joint out of his mouth and putting it out.
It was like an instant vibe; we both leaned in for the perfect kiss. It was sweet, and warm, and melty. He held onto my head, a little aggressive. God fucking damn it I loved how manly he was. So dominating. Always making sure I knew who the boss was.
In a matter of minutes it was a full on makeout session, and soon he had picked me up off the counter and started carrying me into the house. A little unsexy, but I was clenching the baby monitor in my fist, making sure we could hear Abel. He was still asleep when we came through the living room.
We made it to the bedroom and he threw me down, my body bouncing off the matress a bit. He pulled his shirt off and was on top of me in minutes, holding my arms against the bed, placing rough kisses and soft bites all over my neck.
My legs squirmed under him, his pelvis pushing into mine. In a matter of seconds he had my shirt taken off me, kissing all over my breasts, cneaking his tongue into my bra a bit to clip the side of my nipple. Christ, he was a fucking God in bed.
He made his way down my stomach, unbuttoning my shorts as quick as he could. He placed little kisses all alone my panty line, getting ready to pull them down. I was so fucking wet. Just as he kissed the top of my slit it happened.
"Fuck!" I jumpe up, running to the living room. Abel was screaming his head off. I picked him up bringing him against my chest and bouncing him. He was literally screaming bloody murder poor little guy. I walked back to the bedroom with him.
"Babe," I didn't call him babe often, but I felt like now was the time. "Can you get in my bag and grab my night shirt and shorts?" He nodded, going to unzip it.I headed out to the kitchen, Abel screaming in my ear. I got out formula and a bottle. I opened the fridge and got the distilled water out.
I made the bottle as quick as I could with one hand. I got it together, and tested the temperature. It was perfect. I headed into the living room and sat the bottle down. I grabbed his feeding pillow and sat down on the couch. I positioned the screaming little one in seconds and popped the bottle into his mouth; silence.
Jax came out and gave me my clothes. I slipped my shirt on, but my pants were goig to have to wait. I wasn't disturbing Abel; I didn't want to hear that cry ever again, it made me upset. I don't like that he cries like that at all.
Jax came over and sat down next to me, wraping his arm around my shoulder. I leaned in close to him, sighing. We both just looked down at Abel, eating his bottle. He was chugging it down.
I ran my hand gently through his little blonde hair.
"I can't believe how much he looks like you." I told Jax. I looked up at him, and he was smiling a big goofy smile.
What he said next, I didn't expect. "I wish he looked like you."
I just looked at him, not sure what to say. So, I just let my mouth go before my mind had time to think.
"What do you think would have happened if I never left for college?"
Jax chuckled. "You would have a lot of regrets right now." Not the answer I expected to get. "I wanted you to stay, I wanted you to stay so fucking bad. But I knew if you didn't leave, you'd never get out. You'd never have a chance to get out. You'd always be stuck here, and you'd hate me and everything and everyone here."
He wasn't wrong.
"I'm glad I left." I was glad. I made a lot of life long friends, and my school was a really great one. That's why they hired me at Charming Heights. Well, that and Mrs. Buckley was still talking me up to this day. I loved that woman, and I loved getting the chance to work with her now. "But I'm glad I came back. And I'm glad I get to be here for you and Abel."
He pulled me close in a hug, snuggling me and Abel tight. He laid his other hand on Abels tummy, feeling him eat and breath.
After he was done with his bottle I burped him and got him back to sleep. I took him and his monitor into the room Gemma had made perfect for him. I laid him down in the crib, being as quiet as possibly as I left the room. Jax was in the living room, picking up a bit. I came up behind him and hugged him tight, my hands running over his chest muscles. Mmm.
I kissed his back and pulled away, finally grabbing my shorts and slipping them on. I helped him finish picking up and we both grabbed a glass of water and headed to bed. It was almost midnight and we were both exhausted from the day.
I snuggled up against Jax bare chest, hugging him tight while he played with my hair. I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't like not being able to see Abel while he slept.
"Should I bring him in here? He can sleep in the basinet."
Jax looked down at me, a small smile on his face.
I hopped out of the bed and got Abel as gently and quietly as possible. Luckily he never woke up once. I felt 1000 times better being able to watch him sleep, see him breath. Knowing that I could hear him no matter what.
Jax pulled me close to him, holding my body tight. Slowly, we both started drifitng off to sleep after the long, eventful day.
2:12 am
I jumped awake when I heard Abels cry.
"Shh, shh, buddy." I tried to wake myself up as quick as possible, turning on the lamp on the nightstand. I jumped to my feet, rubbing my eyes. Jax was starting to wake up, but I told him not to worry, I got it.
I picked Abel up, instantly feeling his wet diaper.
"Poor bubbas," I walked down the hallway, trying to calm him down. I entered his room, turning the light on. I got him changed quick, and put new dry clothes on him. He was still a little fussy so I gave him a binky, and not too long after he was asleep again. It was almost 3am by that time, and I was ready for more sleep.
He looked like a peaceful little angel laying there. I crawled back into bed and snuggled up to Jax. I was out like a light.
5:10 am
I struggled to get my eyes open this time, but it was his hungry cry. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. I looked at the clock and sighed. Well, looked like my day was starting early.
I got up and grabbed the baby, heading to the kitchen. I dropped him off in the living room in his swing, just letting him cry it out until I finished his bottle. I made his bottle and got a pot of coffee started.
I came back in and brought him up on the couch with me, feeding him his bottle.
After he ate, was burped, and I changed him again he was content. I put some early morning cartoons on the TV and sat him in front of it in his swing. He was happy as could be.
I got myself a cup of coffee and came back into the living room, sitting on the couch and watching Abel. I may have been dead tired, but it was a nice morning. I was loving this step-parent thing.
It was only about to be 6, so I figured I might as well start breakfast. Jax was always up before 8am anyways.
I kept looking in to check on Abel evey 5 minutes, but I managed to make a nice breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon, susage, coffee, OJ and toast. I got everything on plates and out on the table before going back to wake up Jax.
Somewhere bewteen my last check and walking through back to the bedroom, Abel had fallen asleep.
I crawled into the big bed and up onto Jax who woke up immediately, smiling at me, leaning in to give me a kiss.
"Good morning, beautiful." He said. I leaned off of him and he sat up, streching. Mm, god did it look good when he stretched like that.
"Breakfast is on the table, Abel is fed and sleeping again. Just get up and come eat with me." He gave me another kiss and a nice slap on the ass before I headed out to the kitchen.
We ate breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen together. By that time Abel was awake, and we decided to give him a bath. He peed on me and then got upset at being cold and had a minor freakout.
We got him dressed in his cute little sons outfit Clay and Gemma got him. The two of us got dressed and ready. I packed a diaper bag full of anything I could possibly need for the day for him, and we were off to T&M. It was a Saturday so it peaceful, mostly just the guys hanging out. It was going on almost 1 o'clock and I was starting to feel tired.
When we got there Gemma ran over to the car.
"How's my baby?" She immediately fought her way to Abel and snatched him up, snuggling him close to her chest. "How was the first night home?" I shrugged.
"Exhausting. I'm so tired." Gemma chuckled.
"Better get used to it, sweetie. The next 7 years of your life are gonna be you learning to function being exhausted." Oh great. Just what I was ready to be; sleep deprived.
Gemma and I went into the club house while Jax went to talk to Clay and Opie out in the garage.
I remember making it inside and setting his diaper bag on the pool table while I sat in a chair. I was out in seconds, sitting up.
First 24 hours with Abel? Totally worth it.
So, there were some happy times. Actually, there were a lot of happy times. And you'll heard about them.
I can't say Jax was really that horrible of a person, because I remember times like this. Times when we were good together, when our love outweighed everything else.
But happiness like that doesn't last all the time. And that just has to be okay.
I don't know. I'm in some type of mood tonight.
Anyways, I have to go meet Jax to talk about a few things.
Next blogpost I'm skipping almost a year in time. The 5-year-mark. When things that spirling out of control.
Be ready.
Signing off.
Logan Henderson-Teller