VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com

Logan Henderson

BlogPost 004

I'm just not sure

OKAY. Let me say this one more time, and let me make this clear; I fucking hate Jaxon Teller. I hate him with everything inside of me. But guess what? I fucking love him, too. With every part of my being, I still love him.

Things are getting harder to deal with on a day to day basis, but what can you do? Just gotta roll with the punches, deal with what life throws at you. For me, it was a big pile of shit.

But it's like this; every song I hear makes me sad, every road I drive on makes me anxious. It's like he took everything that was beautiful in my life and set it up so that it would destroy me when he left, fucking crumble my entire existance into my own hands. How you can fix yourself when you're that broken?

Don't fall in love with someone like Jaxon Teller. He'll take you to museums, and parks, and monuments. He'll kiss you in every beautiful place you come across, and you'll never be able to go back to them without tasting him like blood in your mouth

He fucking destoryed me in the most beautiful way possible. He made me finally understand why storms were named after people.

He was my greatest strength at one point, now my greatest downfall. It was literally killing me. All of this.

But, I'm gonna move on from this. Let me tell you about this day, a day I will remember for the entirety of my fucking life. It was honestly one of the best days of my life.

Here we go

I had just dropped Abel off with Gemma at T&M. He was still half asleep but very fussy. He always got fussy when Jax or I had to leave him for work. I hated having to leave him, just as much. It was never fun having to hear him yell, "Mum mum, muuum." through tear filled eyes and a scratchy throat. I loved that little boy with my entire heart. He may not have biologically been mine, but it didn't matter. To him, I was his mother, and to me, he was my son.

I pulled into Charming Heights just before 7, hurrying up to my classroom. Homeroom wouldn't be here for a little over 30 minutes, so I had some time.

I dropped my things off and got lights and my computer turned on, then headed to the teachers lounge to get coffee.

I returned to my room, dropped my steamy beverage off, and grabbed my purse and headed to the bathroom.

I got in and locked the door, sitting down.

I was so fucking nervous to do this. Beyond nervous, actually.

I had been a mother for over the past year, but I don't know. Was I ready to be pregnant? Was I ready for another kid? This first year, as great as it was, was the most stressful and trialing year of my life thus far. Being a parent isn't easy work.

I pulled out the pregnancy test and ripped it open, shoving it into the toilet quickly; my bladder was about to burst.

I set a 3 minute timer on my phone and waited, pacing around the bathroom while the test sat on the sink.

Was I ready to be a mother of two at 23? I guess it wasn't really up to me at this point. Jax and I had been having unprotected sex for the past year. Lots in the past three months esepcially since I moved in. I smiled. I loved living there with him and Abel, it was the life I wanted before. It was so wonderfully nice getting to come home to what I dreamed of everyday for years. I loved it.

My phone started beaping. I shut it off and snapped over, taking a huge breath before looking at the test. It was now or never.

I grabbed the little white stick and lifted it up, the rest of my life staring me right into the face.

Positive.

I shoved the positive test into my purse, letting out a big breath.

I was emotional as fuck and I needed to compose myself for my class.

I hurried out of the bathroom and back to my class room, propping the door open. I needed to remain calm and not say anything to anyone today. Not before I told Jax or my parents. Well, except Judy. Mrs. Buckley was like a second mother to me, I had to tell her first.

The first half of the day until lunch went fast. After my last Bio 2 sudent was out of the room, I ran out behind him, locking my door. I fast walked down the hall to Judys classroom. It was also her free-period, so she was working on stuff for the school paper and eating lunch.

"Knock, knock." I said, walking in and shutting her door. She stopped what she was doing and pulled an empty chair over next to here.

"Why hello, hello." she took a drink of her water, washing food out of her mouth. "How's the day treating you? Andrew act up today?"

I leaned back, chuckling. "When doesn't he act like a little fuck." She laughed. "So listen, I have some news."

She turned to me with a look that made her seem like a 15-year-old girl waiting for the newest gossip.

"I'm pregnant, Judy."

I could tell she was so happy, but her brain wasn't letting her mouth make words. She just leaned over and hugged me tight, cooing with excitement.

"I just found out this morning." I told her. "I thought I would be more worried, but I'm so excited." I rubbed my hand across my stomach, smiling.

"Oh, honey. Jaxon is going to be so excited, and I'm sure Abel will be too." I was really hoping she was right.

I sat with her until the period was over, talking about anything and everything pregnancy and baby related. I was knew to this pregnant thing, and she was a 5-time veteran.

My head was spinning all day with excitement and a million questions. I couldn't wait to go home to my boys and tell them.

I had a mental check list of things to do on my way home. I rushed out of school as quick as possible and headed straight to Walmart in Oak View, a short 15 minute drive.

I got two onzies, one for a girl, one for a boy. I found a key chain that said "daddy to be". I checked out as quick as possible and hurried back to the house, to get the little box for Jax together and ready.

After it was done I headed over to T&M. What a better place to tell him, in front of our family and friends?

I called my parents and my mom answered.

"Hey sweetie, how was your day?" I could hear her doing something in the background, washing dishes, probably.

"It was good." What was a good reason to get them down to T&M? "Listen, could and daddy meet me at the garage? I'm gonna pick up Abel and meet Jax, was seeing if you guys wanted to grab dinner."

"Oh yes!" She sounded so excited; not nearly as excited as I was hoping she would be later on. "Daddys upstairs changing out of his work clothes right now. As soon as he's done we'll be over."

"Okay, momma. I love you."

"I love you too, Loge." And we hung up. I pulled in the garage, trying to maintain my secret until my parents could arrive. Gemma and Abel were outside, playing with his toys in front of the club house.

"Hey buddy!" I said, walking over to him. The best feeling in the world was seeing his eyes light up whenvere he saw me. There was nothing like it. He stood up, a little unsteady at first, and made his way over to me, grabbing my legs. I bent down and picked him up, both of us snuggling up to each other. "Did you miss me?" I asked him. He nodded, laying his head back down on my chest.

I walked towards Gemma, who was smiling.

"He was so good today. He ate almost an entire grilled cheese for lunch!" That did surprise me, because he hated eating and was so very picky.

"Good job, buddy." I lifted my hand up and he smacked it, giving me a high five. God, I loved my little dude.

We made it inside of the club house and it was empty, the meeting room doors closed.

"They called a meeting over some deal going down with the Myans." Gemma said, shrugging. Our job was to stay our of their way, our of their business, and keep them happy. Believe it or not, it wasn't all that hard. "Do you want a beer?" she asked. I declined immediately, and she gave me a confused look. "I have heartburn from lunch we ordered. Not a good mix right now."

I sat Abel down in the corner on his play mat with his toys, and took a seat. I was feel a little nauseous again, so I sparked up a joint, moving to the furthest end of the bar away from Abel.

A short 5 minutes later, the guys all emerged from the room, coming out to get drinks. I watched at Bobby walked over and picked Abel up, tickling him, causing him to shriek out in laughted. I smiled. I was so dazed watching that little boy laugh I didn't notice Jax coming up to me until he kissed my cheek.

"Out of it today?" he asked sitting down next to me. I smirked at him, hit the joint, and passed it his way.

"Just a little bit." I looked at the clock; my parents would be here soon. "My parents are meeting us here, I thought we could go grab dinner." I lied, but he agreed with it. As long as he got beer and food, he didn't often object.

"Logie!" I heard my dad chirp through the door. Everyone greeted them, like usual. Gemma made her way over to my mom and they hugged, saying a few words to one another. I got up and walked towards the door.

"I'll be right back." I told my mom. "I gotta go grab something really quick!"

I jogged to the car and grabbed the gift I wrapped for Jax. It had the pregnancy test, the onsies, and the key chain. I felt so nervous I could vomit. Or it was the baby. One of the two. Probably both. I took a huge breath before walking back into the club house, and I went straight to Jax.

"Everyone!" I shouted. It got quiet and they all turned to me. "I got Jax a little gift today, and I just thought it'd be great if you were all here to see him open it." He gave me a weird look, taking the box from my hands.

"A gift? Is it our anniversary or something? This isn't to make me look dumb, is it?" I laughed, shaking my head. Abel waddled his way over to me and I picked him up so he could see what his daddy was opening.

"Just open it." I told him.

He ripped the paper off and then opened the box. He started moving the tissue paper away and then froze, biting his lip.

"Really?" he asked me. I nodded. He opened the package the rest of the way, trying to cover his mouth with his hand to hide his smile. "This isn't a joke?" I shook my head again, I wanted to cry with joy. He stood up immediately and hugged me and Abel

"What the fucks in the box?" Clay asked Gemma, who was sitting on his lap. She shrugged.

"Logan, what is it?" My mom asked. I looked at Jax, and he grabbed the box, careful to keep everything in it from falling as he held it up. I looked over at my mom, her mouth was covered, her hand shaking. I don't think my dad got it yet.

"Logan's pregnant!" Jax cheered, hugging me tight again. I heard cheers errupt from the entire club house, everyone moving in close. My parents and Gemma made it up to us before anyone else.

"I'm so excited." my mom hugged my tight, and rubbed her hand across my stomach.

The next 30 minutes was filled with everyone swarming us, telling us how happy they were and feeling my stomach, though there wasn't even the beginning of a bump there. I couldn't have been more than three months, no way.

All the excitement must have really gotten to Abel, cause he passed out in no time. I was starting to feel tired too, to be honest. Everyone started to leave, and once my parents left, I was ready to go home into my bed and sleep for however long I could.

I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with Donna; Toby and Raven were both sick so she couldn't make it, but Opie Facetimed her during so it was like she was there. She seemed more excited than I was.

God I was so happy this was the reaction everyone was having. I was so happy to see how excited they all were for us to be having a baby finally; our own baby. I loved Abel like he was my mom, but genetics proved that he wasn't. I wish I could change that, but I could't. Though, it didn't much matter, he was my son either way.

Gemma and I cleaned up the club house best we could, but I was getting tired and couldn't do much more. I was more than ready to go home, shower, and crash for the night. Too much excitement for one day exhausting me more than my actual work day did.

"Can Clay and I take Abel tomorrow night? He hasn't gotten to stay the weekend with us in a while. I'd really like to have him." Gemma gave me her pouty puppy-dog face and I couldn't say no. Regardless of the fact that she babysat him every single day, she never got enough of that little boy. And regardless of her character at times, she was a great grandmother and a great mother; she loved her family, I don't care what anyone else had to say about it.

"Of course. You can come pick him up around noon tomorrow." Gemma and I said our goodbyes, kissing each others cheeks. She kissed Abel on top of his head, him not even moving a smidge, and told him how excited she was to see him tomorrow. I got him all loaded into his carseat; he was still fast asleep. I was really starting to become a pro at this whole parenting thing.

I walked over to the 3rd garage door and got Jax, who was probably talking about something club-related with Bobby and Chibbs.

"You ready to go?" I asked him. He nodded, telling the boys goodbye and goodnight. He said he'd see them tomorrow to finish talking, which meant they would probably be holding a meeting tomorrow at some point.

We left, Jax driving our tired little family home. I was so excited when we pulled into the garage. I got Abel and the diaper bag out of the car, heading inside behind Jax who held the door for us. He went to her bedroom to start the shower for me and grab me clothes. God, he was the epitome of perfect. I had never loved someone, except Abel, so much.

I got my little boy changed into PJs and put him in his bed. His little eyes took seconds to fall closed and he was off into dream land once again. I turned his nightlight on and left the room, leaving the door cracked a few inches.

I undressed as I made my way back to the bedroom, so ready for a nice hot shower. Finally naked, I walked into the doorway of the bathroom, enjoying every second of my view. I leaned against the door frame, biting my lip, taking it all in. God, that ass. And those tattoos and muscles. Jesus Christ. Either this was really all some big joke or dream, or I was the luckiest woman on Earth.

"My eyes are up here." he joked at me. He came up, grabbing me and pulling our naked bodies close together. I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest.

He laid his head on top of me, kissing it.

"I love you, you know that right?" He asked me. I smiled hard, looking up at him. I reached up and pushed a stray piece of his blonde hair out of his face.

"And darling, I you." he smiled back at that. We were rolling up on our 10-year anniversary of knowing each other, and he could still remember that little bullshit from so long ago.

It was a stupid poem in a stupid book for a stupid class that we both got stuck taking my Freshmen year. But it was our poem. It was our best friend poem, and it was beautiful.

He leaned down and pressed a little kiss against my lips, pulling me close after for a sensual hug. He pulled away, looking down at my stomach.

"I'm so happy I get to have this little family with you." I could tell he was sincere. "I don't know how I could have made it through this past year without you." He kissed my cheek.

We took a nice shower, no sex. Just showering together, enjoying each others company and winding down for the night.

We got into our usual night time clothes and crawled into bed, cuddling up close to each other.

"Never leave." Jax whispered in my ear. I rolled over, laying nose to nose with him.

"I won't back out if you don't back out." And it was the truth. I wanted this to work for as long as he did, which, considering my current position, I was hoping would be forever.

He laid his hand on my cheek. "Forever?"

"Forever."

And now you know a little bit more. No matter how much I hate Jaxon, how much I wish I could take it all back, I don't. I got our beautiful children out of all of this, and I would do it 1000 times over just so I could have them.

But my forever? It didn't last. I didn't get it. About seven months from this day if when my forever started crumbling down around me. The foundation collapsed, slowly letting the entire structure fall with it.

Falling in love with someone like him destroyed me.

Ugh.

Just take my word for it. Don't fall in love with someone like him. I'm sure my case really hasn't been proven yet, but it will be. Don't worry.

Until then

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller