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Logan Henderson

BlogPost 006

Just Kinda Sad

You know how depression just kind of creeps up on you? Like, one day you'll swear to God, it's over, you made it out of the storm alive, and then 24-fucking-hours later it's just like, HA GOTCHA JUST KIDDING.

I've hit a new low. I cry every single day, morning, noon and night. I've lost 6 pounds this week, I never eat. I've smoked more weed in three days than I have in an entire two weeks before. I even ventured into buying a few Opanas and got high as fuck for a few days.

Nothing helps. Nothing makes me feel. I'm so fucking numb and I'm tired of feeling like this, like there's just a big black mass taking over my body, eating me from the inside-out. Every song I hear makes me lose my shit, everything I read reminds me of what I miss.

I'm dying, or at least I feel like it. I'm fucking drowning, I'm so fucking hurt. I haven't felt like this since 3 years ago on this fucking day.

Maybe that's what this little dark bump was..

This day fucking sucks, it does every single year. And I'm a mess just the entire month. I can't help it, maybe I'm just fucking crazy. I don't know.

I'm not sure of much of anything anymore to be honest. I don't know.

Let's try and talk about a happy day. Maybe that'll help? I don't know.

Anyways, here

"Gemma!" I yelled, grabbing that bag that held my wedding dress. "I'm not fucking around!" Seriously, 85 fucking degrees in fucking March was not working with me. I was almost 7 months pregnant now and the slightest bit of heat fucked with me so bad. I was sweating balls in this fucking house.

I waddled down the steps, my dress and shoes in hand. I was in my robe and comfy clothes, I had just taken a shower.

Gemma came running around a corner, her arms full of little things we needed to get ready.

"Let's go!" I marched right past her. I hated to admit it, but I was being bridezilla. But I really couldn't help it! I'm hormonal as fuck. I dropped a fork last night and started crying, like who does that?

I headed out to the garage where she already had the car running. We were meeting all the girls at Donna's house to get ready while the guys all got ready at the club house. I could't wait to see what it looked like at the barn. Judy was so fucking nice for letting me use it, charge free. Beautiful big farm with lots of space and yard area.

I felt so sick all day, the anticipation hitting me. I was marrying my very best friend today, the love of my life, the father of my children, my other half. I really made me believe in soul mates, he made me feel like a little girl again. So many years and I got butterflies everytime I saw him. He made me catch my breath and feel like I was floating. This love was unexplainable.

Gemma and I rushed to Donna's and met everyone there; Donna, my mom, Lindsey and Erica.

"There you are!" my mom shouted, a giant smile on her face. They had everything set up in the kitchen for us to get ready. Lindsey was doing my make-up and hair; it was so nice having a cosmotologist in the family.

"Did your belly get bigger?" Erica asked. I shot her the look of death and she backed off. "Right, sorry, hormones. Love you." I just rolled my eyes and let a laugh escape my lungs.

"How excited are you?!" Donna sat down next to me, during her own make-up while Lindsey started on my hair.

I bit my lip, thinking. "I can't even put it into words. I try to, but I usually end up crying."

All the girls gave me an 'awh' in unicine.

We bullshited for about an hour and a half, and we were all finally done and ready. I looked at myself in the mirror, my cheeks going flush. In fear of ruining my make-up I convinced my brain to cry one single tear, and I caught it before it could hurt my foundation.

For the first time in my pregnancy I thought my bump looked so great. I went with an empire waist line dress, it started right under my breasts so the dress flowed perfect over my big belly. My hair was all curled and pinned up just perfect, except for my bangs, they swept across my face. My make-up was absolutely flawless, a perfect smokey eye and winged liner. All of my bridesmaids looked amazing in their black dresses, and my mom and Gemma even better in their dress attire.

"Don't you start!" I pointed at my mother who looked ready to burst into tears. "I'm not ruining all the hard work Lindsey did." They all laughed letting out a few tears. My mom came over and hugged me, then rubbed her grandchilds bottom.

"I'm just so happy for you." she kissed my cheek and rubbed my belly one more time.

"That was his butt, ya know." I joked with her putting my hands on my hips.

"Stop calling her a him!" Donna protested. I rolled my eyes.

"Never gonna happen." I glanced up at the clock. FUCK. It was almost 2:30, which meant we had to go, right that minute.

"Guys, c'mon!" I picked up my dress and we headed for the vehicles. I rode with Gemma and my mom, and the other girls rode with Donna.

We got to Judy's around 10-til 3, perfect timing. There was so many people there from so many clubs and businesses. So many people from Charming that I've met. I couldn't believe how many showed up.

"This way!" Judy shouted, waving from her porch. We all made our way inside, where she lead us through to the other door. "Look out there."

Once again I wanted to cry and lose my shit. It was perfect. I could see all the tables set up, everything black and white with little accents of Tiffany blue. I saw my husband standing under the rustic archway my dad and Clay made for me. God he looked so fucking perfect.

"Mum, mum, mum, mum!" I spun around seeing my little boy running up to me, grabbing my legs immediately. I bent down and gave him a hug. His tux matched Jaxs completely; my handsome boys. God, I loved them.

"Come with Gramma, buddy?" Gemma came over and picked him up. "Will you come help me get him and Toby ready for the rings and Raven ready for the flowers walk?" My mom nodded and followed Gemma, giving me a quick kiss before she left.

"Look at my beautiful baby girl." I turned the other direction to see my dad, his face red and puffy. God damn it, everyone was too emotional today. He came up to me, hugging me tight. I'll admit, I lost it a little bit. I let a few tears rolls, but luckily everything Lindsey used was high quality and water proof.

Judy came back in. "Are you guys ready?" I took a big deep breath and we headed out the side door to where no one could see us. I didn't even want the groomsmen to see me, so dad and I stayed back on the porch and talked while they lined up.

"I'm so scared." I told him in raw honesty. He pulled my close in a side hug.

"Sweetheart, that's love for you. You never know what's going to happen, so something big like this, and this," he pointed to my stomach. "They are very scary. But that's what great about it, too. When it lasts, and it's real, it's magical. Do you love him?"

I didn't even have to think. "More than anything in this world." My dad smiled at me.

"Then don't be so scared."

I heard Kiss Me by Ed Sheeren started playing and I knew it was time; it was now or never, Logan. I took some deep breaths waiting.

Kiss me like you wanna be loved

You wanna be loved

"You ready?" He asked me. I nodded, calming my shaking jaw, about to cry. I composed myself and we walked out, everyone standing up when they saw my dad. I walked out and up to him, linking arms.

My hearts against your chest

Your lips pressed to my neck

I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet

I'll never forget this very moment, when I saw my future husband cry at the sight of me. He cried, Gemma cried, my mother cried, even my dad let out a little sniffle.

We're falling in love

I got up to the alter and grabbed his hands, both of us shaking and just taking in the others energy. This was what I've wanted since I was 15-years-old. This moment, this day, all of it.

We sad our vows to one another, finding it harder to talk by each minute. I could hear Donna next to me crying, and I could see Opie just smiling at her emotions. He was so in love with her. I hoped Jax loved me that much.

"Do you, Jaxon Nathaniel Teller, take Logan Augusta Henderson to be your wife?"

"I do." he said.

"And do you, Logan Augusta Henderson, take Jaxon Nathaniel Teller to be your husband?"

I smiled at him, my heart feeling so warm.

"And darling, I you." He gave me the biggest smile in the world. Gemma walked with Abel and Toby up to us, handing us our rings.

We put them on each other, both saying "I thee wed."

"You may kiss your bride."

And I had never had a sweeter kiss. It felt like the entire world had stopped around us, and it was all perfection. I was swimming in him, in this month. I was Logan Teller. I was Mrs. Teller, soon-to-be mother of two handsome boys to handsome man.

We pulled away, both smiling ear to ear.

"Now let's eat!" I yelled. Everyone cheered and we all found our ways to the tables so we could get food in us before the real fun started.

The food was amazing, and everyone was already having a good time. I was married to my best friend and I couldn't be happier.

We finished eating and cut the cake, and finally, it was time to dance and party it up for everyone.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the DJ started. "I'd like to introduce, for the first dance as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Jax Teller."

We walked out into the middle of the yard, him pulling me close to him.

The DJ started playing Tenerife Sea and Jax and I danced. Maybe I had a little think for Ed Sheeran, but who could really blame me?

"You look so fucking beautiful." He told me, pulling my head close to his. My belly got in the way a bit, but we made it work. The baby was super active today, too.

The dance was supposed to be just us but Abel got off of Gemmas lap and ran up to us. Jax picked him up and let him dance with us, him reaching over to hug me around the neck.

Towards the middle of the song the bridesmaids and groomsmen were dancing with each other, Opie dancing around with Raven and Donna dancing around with Toby. My parents danced, Gemma got spun around by Clay. Everyone looked so happy.

And my husband? God, that smile and those eyes. Just like our song said, I was so in love with him. Everything about him. Our life. Our son, and our future son. I was so in love with all of it.

My wedding night was everything I had ever dreamed off, minus a few things that were different.

The most ironic part was that Jax and I didn't even have sex that night. We went home with Abel and got him to bed, and then he and I sat up watching T.V. and eating cake and ice cream. He even got to feel the baby move for the first time. God, such a perfect fucking day.

I couldn't ask for more at that point.

And that was the point my relatinship hit its peak. That happy day? The happiness ended just about there. This is when things started getting frustrating. From the day of our wedding we had 11 more weeks to go until we got to meet our child. 11 terrible and difficult weeks.

And you'd think I would have just learned my lesson then instead of 4 years later. But I didn't. I was never good at learned my lessons. I liked to make the same mistake at lesat 7 times, just to make sure.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the good stuff, cause there isn't a whole lot more good to tell.

Okay, that's a lie. But really, the shitstorm is about to happen.

Hope you're ready

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller