VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com

Logan Henderson

BlogPost 007

It's a good day

So this post is gonna be a little weird, I suppose. As opposed to normal when I'm in a bad mood and trying to tell you about the good times, today is the opposite. I'm in a great fucking mood and I have to tell you about some bad times.

While I'm not feeling extra bitter today, know that everything I am about to tell you is the truth; the cold, dark, raw truth.

You wanna be an old lady? You think it's a glamerous life to be with an outlaw? Get ready for some real truth, ladies and gents.

But always keep in mind, it's not always so bad.

32 weeks pregnant did not fit me. My maternity leave didn't come into effect until I hit 36 weeks, but I couldn't handle it. They agreed to let me have unpaid time off without effecting my job status, until my PTO kicked in when I hit 36 weeks. I had spent most of the last week at home with Abel or at Donna's house with her because God fucking forbid our husbands could ever have free-time away from the fucking MC.

"This is getting really irritating." Donna vented to me. All the kids were down for a nap, so we sat out on the porch drinking lemonade and talking. I even got her to smoke a joint with me. It wasn't too bad out for being late April. 70 degrees with a soft breeze, so perfect. I was so sensitive to heat with the giant belly and this overly active baby.

We were both frustrated with what the club was dealing with right now. They were trying to start more legitimate business, we understood that. But they were also bringing in more money than we had ever seen before, and no new business was up and running. THey were sending less and less time at home and around us, and it was rare for us to even see them unless it was when they were in bed next to us for a few hours.

I was becoming very upset with it. Here I am, only 8 more weeks left until this baby was going to be born, and Jax wasn't helping with anything. My baby shower was this weekend and he hadn't asked a single question about anything, not even if I needed help with anything. He was acting like a completely different person and I just didn't know what to think of it.

It was a good thing my phone rang because the shit talk on my husband was about to start. Ha. And it was him.

"Hey babe." I answered, monotone. Donna was smiling at me, holding back a laugh.

"I'm probably gonna be late tonight, have some maintence we really need taken care of down at the studio before we can sart production, but I promsie I'll be there tomorrow for the shower. I promise I'll stop in for a little bit to see how it's going."

I rolled my eyes.

"I don't even know why you bother calling anymore. It's like you should call and warn me if you'll actually be coming home, because that's the rare thing now." And I hung up on him.

I sighed, leaning back in the chair. Donna reached over and laid her hand on top of mine.

"I know just how you feel." And that's why having Donna as my best friend was even better. She understood this on every level there was to understand. She got it. The life of an old lady was not an easy one. When I hear young stupid girls saying how much they wish they were old ladys and part of a club, I just can't help but laugh at them. They sound so dumb.

I struggled to get up, refusing Donnas help, but I finally managed. It was only 4, but I wanted to get home. The bigger I got the harder it was for me to do things. I was hoping to call Gemma and convince her to make us dinner and help me with Abel for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, trying to get the baby shower and everything together.

I got my little dude loaded up in the car and we left, telling Donna I'd see her tomorrow. I called Gemma over bluetooth and she immediately agreed to cook us dinner and let us stay with her tonight. Good. Even if Jax did roll in at 3 or 4 in the morning, he'd have to sleep all alone in our house.

I got to Gemmas and Abel lit up when he saw us pull in.

"Gamma?" He asked. I smiled.

"Yeah buddy, we're at Grammas." I got him out of the back and grabbed his bag, heading into Gemmas.

"Hey baby." she greeted me, kissing me on the cheek as I walked through the door. It was really quiet in her house, too. She was dealing with the same thing, Clay had been away a lot lately too, just like the other guys. I don't know how she's lived this life for so many years. She was one tough cookie.

I helped Gemma cook dinner, and we all ate. While she cleaned up the dinner mess I took Abel and got him bathed and ready for bed. I read him a story and he was out like a light. I tucked him in in Gemmas bed, cause he loved sleeping next to his Gramma.

I came out to the kitchen sitting down across from her. She passed me the joint she was smoking and I hit it, leaning back in the chair. The baby was finally starting to calm down and not kick the shit out of my insides for the first time all day.

"How do you do it Gem?" I hit the joint and tried to pass it to her, but she declined, just lighting another one and letting me smoke my own. "I just," I tried to hold abck tears but I couldn't do it. I started bawling. "I can't deal with it."

He reached over and laid her hand on my arm. "Hey, this is just a rough patch." Yeah, a really terrible fucking time for a rough patch to hit my life. "It happens from time to time, okay? But we deal with it, we push through it, and then we get to be happy again. Until another little bump comes along."

"Then why doesn't it feel like a little bump?" Well that was obvious. Because of the huge bump under my shirt. I was so over being pregnant and so emotional. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I was ready for the next 8 weeks to get over with so I could push this kid out and start feeling better mentally.

"It won't eventually." she comforted me. We sat up a little past midnight talking about anything and everthing until I decided to head to bed. I had to be up early, and it was going to be a long day. I needed sleep.

8am came early, and it was real hard for me to want to get up. I could sleep for three days straight and probably still feel exhausted.

Gemma was already up with Abel and had him eating breakfast when I got up to start getting ready. She even got him all ready for me when I got on my babyshower outfit. White shorts, and a simple tank top and a really thin tan cartigan. My belly was huge, I felt so huge. I was so ready for this beachball to come out.

By the time I was ready to roll it was almost 9:30. I gave Gemma the game plan for the day and told her everyone would be showing up around 1 at the clubhouse, but I would be there around noon with my mom to make sure everything got set up and ready.

That was my plan at least, until I stepped outside and realized the cake would never last that long. It was way too hot. I picked it up and busted my ass to make it back to the clubhouse. The parking lot was empty, not the usual. No one was there. I brought Abel in with me, and told him to go play with his toys while I got the cake in the fridge and took a breather.

I leaned against the bar, catching my breath, looking around at some of the decorations my mom had worked on setting up yesterday. I leaned against my hand, sighing. I was already so tired and so hot and sweaty. I snapped out of it when I heard a bike engine; one of the guys was here.

My attention turned again when Abel came running up, pulling on my leg. I looked down to my son, and my face lost all expression, and my body all emotion. I snatched what he had in my hands and brought it to my face, taking a closer look. I was so red I could feel the fucking heat in my face. I heard the club house door open and I snapped around, seeing Jax walk in. At first he smiled, but it dropped when he saw my expression.

"What's wrong?" I held up the bag I took of our almost 2-year-old son.

"You really wanna ask me what the fucks wrong?" I walked closer to him, clentching the bag in my veiny hands. I watched Opie walk in behind him and stop in his tracks. I calmed myself and turned to him.

"Ope," I batted my eye lashes. "Take Abel outside for a little bit."

And he didn't ask a single question, just grabbed Abel and left as quick as possible.

"What. In. The. Actual FUCK Jaxon?!" I was screaming and irrational, and I fucking knew it. I did give a fuck. My son should NOT fucking be walking up to me handing me a bun of fucking heroin.

He didn't respond. I got right up in his face.

"I said, WHAT THE FUCK JAXON?!" I screamed at him, shoving the bag against his smug fucking face. I shoved him and started walking past him. He tried to grab my arm and I yanked it away. "Don't fucking touch me you low-life lying piece of shit!" I spun around, getting in his face again. "Are you that good?" I spat at him. "So fucking good at lying, at playing. Started a legitimate business? Bull-fucking-shit, JAXON!" I screamed as loud as I could, and then let out an angry shriek.

"Logan, I-"

"No!" I stopped him. I didn't give a single fuck about anything he had to say anymore. I could care less. "Our son just had ahold of heroin, Jaxon. Do you not fucking get that?!" I had tears falling out of my eyes. "Jaxon what if he wouldn't have brought it to me, and he got it open?! How fucking great would you feel if you would have killed our son! You fucking idiot!" I kicked the door frame as hard as I could, feeling like I had broken my foot. I wasn't sure if I was crying from that or the amount of betrayal I felt from my husband.

He still had nothing to say to me.

"You're nothing but a fucking liar. You piece of shit. We're a family, one that's about to get bigger, and you chose now to start running one of the worst fucking drugs there are?!" I was crying so hard I could barely see anymore. "I don't even fucking know you anymore." I stormed out of the club house and grabbed Abel straight off the ground where he was playing. I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to be carrying him really. I got him into the car and got in, slamming my door. I hated him seeing me like this, but I couldn't hold myself together. I lost it, crying, screaming and hitting my stearing wheel.

I was so fucking hurt. Beyond fucking hurt. I couldn't deal with this. I called Donna immediately, crying. She could barely understand me, but she let me drop Abel off at her house.

I didn't know what to do, so I went back to our house. I knew I would be alone there, and that's what I needed.

I got into the house and sunk down against the door as soon as it closed. My chest hurt, I felt like I could throw up. I couldn't see over tears and I couldn't stop crying. I started gagging from all the tears and snot.

My life was falling apart. It felt like sand falling through my fingers. Drugs. He was selling heroin. I couldn't fucking believe this.

And then it all got so much worse.

I felt wetness between my legs. It fear of thinking I peed myself, I reached down. Looking at my hand I felt my body go pale; it was blood, and not a little bit.

I dug through my purse quick and got my cell phone out, calling my mom immediately.

She was there in 10 minutes, and we were at St. Thomas in 20. They admitted me immediately, running tests.

"Mrs. Teller," I fucking hated the sound of that name now but I had done enough freaking out on people for the day. I let the doctor continue. "Your stress levels are very high right now," NO fucking surprise, thanks again to my LOVELY fucking husband. "So we're not gonna stop labor, we're gonna let you go and we're gonna get a baby today."

I felt my stomach drop. "Isn't it too early?"

The doctor did look a bit concerned. "You are early, so there are risks with that. But your baby will be in good hands here if there are any complications, I can assure you that. Our first priorities right now are you and that little one." And she left the room.

I just started crying, I couldn't handle all of this. My mom held me close and rubbed my head, cooing me like I was a child.

"It's okay, the babys going to be fine."

I shook my head, feeling like tears were flying off of my face.

"That's not it. You just don't understand. Today has been the absolutely worst day of my life." And I started crying even harder.

I filled her in on everything. She knew the kind of things the MC dealt, but she wasn't just as surprised and hurt as I was. She couldn't believe anything i was telling her, she didn't want to.

By the time the bedside nurse came back in I was at 6 cm and comletely thinned out. A few more centimeters and I would be ready to have this baby. But these contractions were absolute hell. I was really starting to re-think my decision of not wanting any type of pain meds.

My mom tried to calm me with every contraction, but it was impossible. Her and my dad took turns being my bed-side coach, and I felt horrible about it. I'm sure I nearly broke both of their hands.

They were the only ones there for a wihle, but my mom must have called everyone important; Gemma and Clay showed up, then Donna and Opie and the kids. Abel seemed to be very worried about me because he couldn't come see me. I told them I didn't want him seeing me like this, dealing with all this pain.

I swear on everything I had never dealt with pain like this before. What made it worse was when I could hear my mother and Gemma discussing the events of earlier, and I saw that create automatic hostility between her and Clay. She wasn't too pleased about it all either, and I knew when and if Jax showed up there was going to be hell from his mother. Not my fucking problem.

I was in so much pain, 8cm was awful and I just wanted to be at 10. I wanted this baby to come the fuck out of me already. I was so worried, and I wanted that to go away. I wanted to know my baby was perfect and okay and I could have something good happen today.

"Fuck!" I screamed, biting down on me own teeth so hard I swore I could have cracked a few. Most intense pain of my life. Since I was so close the nurse told everyone they couldn't come back anymore, just the people who were going to be here when I had the baby; my mother, and Jax. But I didn't even want him to show up.

But of course he did.

"Baby!" he came running into the room and I felt myself get so heated. He came to my side, triyng to grab my hand. I ripped it out of his grip. "I'm here." he said to me, like that was supposed to make me feel better.

"And?" I had to stop talking to take a few breaths while I had a contraction. "Jesus fuck!" I screamed, grabbing the side of the bed. I could feel the plactic crush a bit under my grip. Nothing has ever hurt so fucking bad.

"Baby I'm here for you. I'm here for you my beautiful wife. I fucking love you, your husband. I'm here for you." He just kept saying the same shit over and over and over again and I couldn't handle it after the third repeated sentence.

"You know what Jaxon?!" I popped my ring finger into my mouth, using my teeth to pull my wedding and engagement ring off. I spit them so hard they went across the room and out the door, hitting with a CLING in the hallway. "That's how much I give a fuck about my so called husband right now." I felt another contraction starting, and it was one of the worst ones so far. "Get the fuck out!" he looked at my like a wounded soul, like I was joking. "Get. The. FUCK OUT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. He listened that time.

Just as he was going out, the bed-side nurse was coming back in to check me. I moaned and groaned everytime she touched me.

"I have some good news." she informed me with a smile on her face. "You're at 10. It's time for you to have this baby, Logan!" I kept my breathing going, because the pain and pressure i had was getting so much worse. She propped my feet up in the sterups and left the room to go get the doctor. Soon there were three nurses and my doctor, surrounding my bed.

"Okay, Logan. I'm gonna go grab a few more towels and we're gonna have a baby, okay?" I nodded through my deep breathing, feeling scared shitless.

I turned to my mom, tears in my eyes, from pain and anxiety.

"I'm so scared." I kept telling her. I could feel the hot tears stinging my face.

"I know you are." she assured me. "And this is going to be the most painful and beautiful thing you'll ever go scared just means you're about to so something very, very brave." That wasn't exactly comforting, but she was right. I was about to do something very brave. "And I think your husband should be in here."

I looked at her like a crazy woman while trying to deal with another contraction. It was fucking awful.

"I don't want him here. I fucking hate him." I cried out to her.

"I know you do." he rubbed my arm. "And those feelings are justified. But this is his child too." And she made me feel guilty. "And I promise you wil regret it everyday for the rest of your life if you don't let him see the birth of his child." And it made me remember being there the day Abel was born. God, I couldn't fucking do this to him. No matter how mad I was.

"Ugh, FUCK!" I screamed. The doctor came back, sitting down in the chair, ready to deliver our baby. "Wait," I breathed. "My husband, go get my husband." One of the nurses ran off quick.

Jax came running in straight to my side. He looked like he had been crying.

"I'm so sorry." and now he was crying a little. He held my hand tight and wiped my sweaty forehead. I didn't care about much as that point, just how much fucking pain I was in.

"I don't care." It may have sounded cold, but I really didn't.

The doctor got my legs up, my mom grabbing my right one and Jax grabbed my left one.

"Okay, Logan. When I count to three I want you to push as hard as you can and hold it until I count to 10, can you do that?"

I was ready. Bring it the fuck on.

I was mesmorized. I could never put into words what I was feeling, how full my heart felt. I looked across the room, watching this perfect child get cleaned off and wrapped like a little burrito in a blue and pink blanket.

5lbs 6oz, 19 inches long, born at 6:41pm.

A head full of dark hair, just like me. And perfectly healthy in every way.

Jax and I were stuck like glue next to each other. I held this perfect little human in my arms, and neither of us could take our eyes away.

I gave birth about an hour ago, so I was okay with people starting to come in now to see us.

My mom left to go get come coffee and find my dad to bring him up.

Gemma and Clay came in first, both their faces lighting up bright when they saw us sitting there. They walked over to the bed.

"Look at all of that dark hair," she ran her hands softly through it. "He looks so much like you!"

Jax and I both chuckled.

"What?" Gem asked.

"Yeah, Ma. SHE does look like her mother." And Gemmas face lit up.

"I have a granddaughter?!" We both smiled so big. All of us really thought this baby was a boy, but she surprised us all.

So perfect and beautiful.

There was a knock on the door and we looked up, seeing Donna and Opie, Abel with them.

"Hey bubbas." I said to him. Donna brought him over and handed him to Jax. "This is your little sister, Nova Rae Teller." He looked so curius, leaning over to look at her. He took his hand and gently rubbed her face and smiled. He was going to be such a good big brother.

"Oh, babe." Donna came close and hugged me, while Opie gave Jax a quick hug also. "She's so beautiful, and little." She admired Nova, looking her up and down. I'm not sure how, but Jax and I made the most perfect little human being.

And although the bliss from this was wonderful, my feelings weren't any different. I still felt the same. I was still so very hurt and pissed by and at Jaxon. Once we were discharged I'd be dealing with all of this.

But for now, I wanted to be lost in the thought of my perfect children. Our perfect children.

I will always say that even if everything I've ever done in my life has been wrong, the one thing I did right was making those perfect children. I didn't care that I didn't give birth to Abel, he counted, too. They're my everything, what keeps me going.

The reason I'm so happy lately. My children surprise and amaze me each and every day, and while it makes me so happy, in part if breaks me a little.

But you'll understand that eventually.

So this was the tip of the ice berg, just the beginning. You thought this was awful, this was shit?

No.

You've heard nothing yet.

But, I don't want to reminise anymore tonight.

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller