VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com

Logan Henderson

BlogPost 008

Snowball

So as great as things were my last post, I can't say that feeling stayed very long, cause it didn't. I'm back to where I was before, but not that sad. I'm just kind of.. Here.

I don't know.

But last post you got to see the beginning of the shit rain start. God, I'll never forget that day. My sweet babygirl came into the world, but I had never hated Jax more than that day. Not ever. Abel should have never been able to access drugs like that. Drugs like that shouldn't have even been near the club, they weren't drug runners. Guns? Sure. But not drugs.

And it caused a lot of issues.

Let's see, shall we?

Nova and I were released to go home in two days, and I was so excited. But, not as excited as I thought this day would be. I wasn't going home to my home, the home I shared with my husband. Fuck, I wasn't even sure I wanted him to be my husband anymore. I was so fucking mad and hurt, and since Nova was born he hadn't really spent that much time at the hospital. He wasn't even there when we were leaving.

Donna had Abel, watching him until I got back to my parents and settled in. My mom wheeled me out of the hospital, I was holding Nova close to me. My dad had the car pulled around to the door. He hopped out and helped me get Nova in her carseat and then helped me into the car. I was so very sore, but looking at that tiny little human, it was so worth it. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"She's beautiful, ya know." My mom peeked at us in the rearview mirror. I was smiling like crazy. She was beautiful. She was beautiful and perfect and I couldn't ask for a better daughter. I had never loved someone this much, I swear on everything. The moment she was born my heart just felt so full it could burst open at any minute.

"What're you going to do about your husband situation?" My dad asked. I sighed. My parents weren't happy with him at all. They had never really had a problem with Jax until now, and it was just so much to take in at that time.

"I honestly don't know. It's not just my husband, though. It's all of them. It's causing problems with Donna and Opie and Gem and Clay. None of us want them involved with drugs, especially not something that hard." I just didn't know what I was going to do. My mind was even started to put ideas in my head that maybe he was using, too. I didn't know much of anything. I just tried to push away the thoughts and focus on this beautiful babygirl.

I was so happy that Nova was fast asleep when we got back. I just wanted to sit and think about somethings. I had a lot of decisions to make over the next few days.

My parents had done a spectacular job, getting my old room ready for more and the spare bedroom ready for Nova and Abel, because there was no one in hell he was staying with Jax, or even Gemma. I just didn't want him near the club.

I'd say he'd be staying with Donna, but she was packing her and the kids up and going up North to stay with Opie's mom. After the recent facts came to the surface, she felt just like I did. We weren't safe and this wasn't something we wanted to be caught up in. There was only so much bullshit we could deal with.

I waddled back to my room with Nova. I sat her in the swing my dad put together and let her continue sleeping, it set on a slow rhythm, gliding back and forth.

I pulled out my phone and checked it; 5 missed calls and 10 unread text messages, all from Jax. Except one text from Donna, saying she was going to drop Abel off around 6 before she and the kids headed out.

I couldn't wait to have him here, too. I was so excited to see how he and Nova got along together and see how they vibed. I knew he was going to be the best big brother in the entire world, and I couldn't wait to watch them grow up and learn together everyday. God, this is what life was about. No matter how shitty everthing seemed right now, all I had to do was look over at that beautiful sleeping little girl and it all went away.

Well, maybe not. But that's because my mind was so heavy; I had to decide what I was going to do. It was really important that I thought this completely through. This wasn't just about me or Jax anymore. This involved our children and their lives, and that was something that couldn't be messed with. I want to raise children who don't have to recover from their childhood.

I swear the night went by so quick. Before I knew it Abel was there with us, and the night was coming down already. I was so thankful for me mom she did everything I just didn't have the strength to do. She bathed Abel and put him to bed, and even helped me shower and get myself and Nova ready for bed. I could't wait until I really started to heal, because I was having a terrible time dealing with how I felt while trying to be a parent.

I laid awake that night just watching Nova sleep. It was almost 3am and I had just gotten her back to sleep after a feeding and changing. I pulled my phone out and decided to text Jax back, just to see if he'd respond at this hour.

He did.

Our conversation was short, and mostly me ignoring his pathetic apologies. We decided he would come over tomorrow so he could see the kids and we could talk about things. It made my stomach uneasy at how upset he was. I had known him for a long time and very few things made him act like this, so down in the dumps. I think he was mad at himself, maybe more mad than I was at him.

But I was fucking pissed.

I got about 4 hours of sleep that night, just because I was so restless. My mom didn't bother waking me when she got up, taking charge and getting Abel up and fed and changed for the day. I woke up a little bit before she was leaving for work, getting a bottle ready for Nova. I got everything situated; Abel occupied with his toys and Paw Patrol on the TV, and Nova up on the couch with me on her feeding pillow, sucking her bottle straight down.

I had just gotten up to put her bottle in the sink when a knock came on the door. I had her against me, burping her when I answered. Christ, he looked bad. Bags under his eyes, he looked like he hadn't taken a shower. He was torn up over this.

He came in and Abel immediately ran up to him, so excited to see his dad. It was shortlived when the new episode of Paw Patrol came on. He crawled back over, playing with his toys and watching the show.

"Do you wanna hold her?" He nodded. I passed Nova to him, and she didn't move a muscle, just stayed fast asleep. It was crazy how little she looked in his big hands. A sight I never thought I'd see was Jaxon Teller holding his newborn daughter. Just not something I thought he'd ever had; a daughter.

"Logan," He thought he was going to start this conversation, but he was wrong. Very wrong.

"No." I stopped him. He sat back, shutting up. "I'm going to remain as calm and professional over this entire thing, because our children are here and I don't want either of them to get thrown off by us yelling and fighting. I'm going to lay this all out for you and make my point very fucking clear."

I had to collect my thoughts, because I wasn't completely sure what I was going to say. I didn't just want to be hurtful, I wanted him to understand where I was coming from.

"I've been in your life a very long time." I told him. "I've always dealt with everything this club has brought along. Fights, guns. Arrests. People dying. I've dealth with it all, and that's because you guys have typically done a very good job at keeping us out of it and it away from our families." I didn't like doing this, it was making me sad and emotinal. These fucking hormones were never going to go back to normal, god damn it. "But what happened the other day.. I can't deal with that, Jaxon. You do illegal shit, it's who you are and what you do. I get that. But I've never had the worry in my head that Abel would get ahold of something hanging out around your club, because you respect family. My biggest fear came true the other day." He looked hurt and wouldn't make eye contact with me. I reached out and laid my hand on his leg. "Jaxon, our son had a bag full of heroin in his hands the other day. What would you have fucking done if he took some of it? What if he would have fucking died? Who have you become?" Okay, I was starting to be a bit irrational.

I tried to keep it at bay, but it just wasn't going to work. "I watched what you went through with Wendy, what Abel had to go through because of her. And here you are, selling terrible shit to support people who have a habit like hers! How do I know none of you have been using?" He looked really hurt at that one; his blue eyes felt like they were piercing my entire soul full of holes. "I can't trust you anymore, Jax." And I watched him break infront of me.

"Logan, I love you." I decided to let him talk for a little while, because if I continued I would be in full fledge tears in moments. "I didn't want to fuck this up. It was a one time thing only and it just so happened that it got fucked up, really fucked up." He leaned forward and laid Nova down in her swing that I brought out into the living room. He grabbed my hands. "If I knew what was going to happen, I never would have agreed to do the deal. It was just to get us the rest of the money we needed for the studio. We had to do this bad deal to help us get some legitimate business."

He kept pouring his heart out, trying to explain that this was all a fucked up accident over and over again.

"Logan I'd never want to hurt you or our family, our son, our daughter. None of you. I fucking love all of you more than anything else in this entire world. I waited so long for you, miserable. Fucking anything with a pussy I came across." He had some tears in his eyes, fighting them from falling out. "You are my fucking wife, the first girl I have ever fucking loved. I let you leave, I watched you fucking leave once before!" He wasn't trying to yell, but it happened. Nova stirred a bit but fell back asleep. He couldn't fight it back anymore, a tear rolling out of his left eye. He wiped it away as quick as it streamed out.

He sniffled. "I watched you fucking leave for 4 years, and tried to let you go. I thought cutting you out of my life completely, not having to see or talk to you, that it would be good for you. I fucking feared this. You'd come back and the club would cause horrible things to happen. I didn't fucking want this. But I was so happy when you came back. I was so fucking in love. I am so fucking in love. WIth every single thing about you. All your mannerisms, the way you talk, the way you walk. The way you catch your breath when I hug you from behind and kiss your neck. The way your fucking eyes light up, so bright green, anytime you see Abel or he sees you. The way you mumble in your sleep and toss and turn. How you think you're never wrong. The way you compose yourself; you make disasterous look beautiful. You're just fucking perfect."

I was bawling like a fucking baby. Abel came over to me and pulled on my shirt.

"Mum, mum?" he asked, wiping his eyes. I fought back my tears and smiled at him, helping him pull himself up on the couch to sit on me. He hugged me tight and leaned against me, laying his head on my chest. Jax reached into his pocket and pulled out my wedding band set that I had thrown off at the hospital.

"Let me make this right. Please, Logan?" he gestured the rings at me. It didn't take long for me to know my answer.

"You get one more chance." I told him, seriously. I couldn't deal with something like this, or worse, ever again. I wanted things to be how they were before. They needed too go back to normal.

And that was probably another one of my biggest fuckups so far. Listen, when someone you love and who says they love you hurts you so bad, and does something that fucking crazy and horrible, end it. Don't give out seconds chances. Just don't fucking do it.

Why?

Leopards don't change their fucking spots. I don't care what anyone says. Yeah, people change, sure. But their character? That shit stays the same. The worst decision I ever made was agreeing to get back with him, agreeing to make our faimly work that day.

If I would have said no and decided to get out, none of the terrible things in the years following would have happened. None of them. Me going back was a snowball effect. Gemma simmered down, Donna moved back home with Opie, and she was very serious about staying with his mother. She was getting ready to enroll the kids in school up there and everything.

But no, I fucked up. I destroyed everything because of Jaxon fucking Teller, the worlds biggest piece of shit.

I fucking hate him.

I need to go get a few drinks before I get more angry, I might suffer an anurism and that would be bad.

See ya soon

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller