VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com
Logan Henderson
BlogPost 010
May You
As much as I wish I could skip this memory during my shit tale, I can't. It's crucial and I absolutely hate it. What I hate more?
Today is the 4 year anniversary of this horrible fucking day.
I actually need to make a point to.. I'll get into that at the end. Anyways, here.
I hadn't slept in almost 32 hours, I was running on fumes and 5 pots of black coffee. This was madness.
"I have the car ready to go." Jax came strolling through the kitchen, tossing me the keys to what looked like a KIA. "Everythings ready, it's going down at 4. I'm gonna take the kids with me over to Ma's house, and Piney took Toby and Raven with him up North with him."
My anxiety was so high, I stopped listening. The kids were ready to go with Jax, and I was just trying to swallow down as much coffee as possible. Once he left I had to go to Donnas and try to get her packed as quick and as sly as possible and get her out of town, on her way to Pittsburgh.
I had a migraine at this point and just wasn't listening to anything Jax was saying. I knew the fucking plan, we had gone over it more times than I could even count at this point. Literally all day and night yesterday, and now again this morning. We had sacraficed our sleep between this plan and the kids. It had only been a little over a month but I needed a fucking break, I needed a fucking break so bad.
"Logan!" I snapped out of my thoughts, seeing him standing at the door with the kids. I sprang up and over to him, helping him out the door and getting the kids in the car.
"Luh Mum!" Abel gave me a hug around the neck and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. I went over and kisses Novas forehead, closing both the back doors. I met my husband at the drivers door, giving him a hug and a kiss. After they pulled out of the driveway I hurried into the bedroom and opened the safe.
I hated to admit it, but I couldn't fucking do this sober. I couldn't do this day sober. Fuck, man. I grabbed one of the tall pill bottles that I kept in the safe; it containted three Opana 30s.
I took one and sucked the orange coating off until it was completely white. I headed out to the kitchen, grabbing my lighter and a $20 bill from my wallet. I crushed the pill on the table under the banknote with my lighter. I grabbed my wallet, taking out one of my many credit cards. I cut the pill in thirds, and then pushed two of the lines into a pile and then off to the side. I rolled up the twenty and immediately snorted up the white powder. Fucking Christ it felt good.
This was something I did once a year, maybe twice. I really didn't think I'd be doing this so soon after having Nova, but I needed it. I absolutely needed it. I was about to send my best friend all the way across the fucking country to save her life. I needed to be high.
And oh boy I fucking was. I was high as fuck, but I composed myself enough to drive to Donnas to start this shit awful process. This had to be done as quick as possible. I wore a thin black jacket and kept the hood up and my sun glasses on the entire time, just in case. I knocked on her door.
She answered, still in her pajamas.
"Oh," she was surprised. "Hey! Come in. Sorry," she closed the door after I walked in. I took my hood down and my sunglasses off. I headed back to her bedroom. "I've been relaxing since Piney got the kids and Opie left." she followed me. "Logan, what are you doing?"
I grabbed a suitcase out of her closet.
"Logan," she grabbed the suitcase off of me. "What are you doing?"
It was a good thing I was so high, cause if not, I wouldn't have been able to say anything that I was about to.
"Donna," I placed my hands on my hips. "They found out it was you."
I was hoping her reaction would have been much different than it was, but it wasn't. Her face went pale white and she just stood there, thinking of what to say next.
"Logan, I-"
"Don't." For some reason I felt like Jax must have felt the last few nights. "They have it out for your fucking head, Donna. Pack what you need, we have a car ready for you and I have a place set up for you in Pittsburgh."
"But the kids!" she was frantic, tears starting.
God, I didn't wanna fucking do this. But I had to
I snapped around on her, getting up in her face.
"They're fucking fine, and they'll stay fine here. You fucked up, not them, Donna." She looked so fucking hurt and believe me, I wanted nothing more than to just break down in tears over it. I didn't like knowing I was the asshole causing my best friend this pain, but I wasn't fucking wrong. She was the one who fucked up. She did what every woman in the club had promised they never would.
"Logan, I-"
"Pack your fucking shit, Donna!" I demanded. She paused for a second, letting a few tears fall, and then got to business.
I headed out to the kitchen and sat down at her table, letting my high set in more than it was already. I pulled my cigarette pack out of my purse and grabbed a joint out of it, sparking it up. I was a fucking wreck. I could feel how plastic-y my face felt from all the dried tears all over it. My head was so loud and moving so fast, I wanted nothing to do with any of this. She just had to be so fucking stupid, I didn't get it.
It was about an hour later and Donna came out from the bedroom, fully dressed and dragging her bags behind her. I could tell she had been crying the entire time; her face was red and her eyes and cheeks were swollen.
I stood up, putting my sunglasses on.
"You ready?" I walked over and helped grab her bags, heading for the door. I had to drive her to where Jax had left the car for her and get her on her way. It was a little before 4, so I was right on time.
Donna didn't say a single word to me the drive there, no matter how hard I tried and pressed her to. She just stared out the window, crying. God, I felt so fucking awful and I was so fucking high. I was the biggest piece of shit friend that had ever existed.
No. If she didn't flip, this would't have happened. It was out of my control, it wasn't my fault.
I snapped my thoughts and pulled down the dirt road where the GPS led, seeing the dark purple KIA as we pulled down closer.
I helped Donna get her things transferredfrom my car to the rental Jax got for her, and handed over the keys. We stood there in silence for a few seconds, then finally we both lost it, falling into each others arms, tears flying and holding each other tight on that dusty ground.
"I'm so sorry." she cried to me, burrying her head into the nape of my neck. I cried back into hers, trying to control my snot.
"I hate this fucking club, this fucking place." I told her honestly. I hated all of this bullshit. The club, the rules. That if you try to play it safe you fuck up. No matter what you do, you fuck up. It's a fucking circle of nothingness that gets you nowhere; or maybe that was just the opiates talking. I don't know.
"Logan make sure the kids are taken care of," she cried out. The look in her eyes tortured me, it was so hollow, so dark, so empty. She had become a shell of who she was since I walked in this morning to get her. "And please watch after Opie. He's a fucking child." she let a small laugh out, still crying furiously.
We pulled away from our hug and gave each other a kiss on the cheek. I handed her the GPS and set it to the address she needed.
"Just follow the GPS. There's a phone numbered saved in the notes on there. Call it when you're close, Stella will answer. Just make sure you tell her it's you."
It felt like my body being ripped in half, watching her climb into that car and drive away. And I could tell it felt like the exact same for her. I got back into my car and kicked the shit out of my dash for a second before driving off. I needed cigarettes, do I headed to the other side of town to the EP Gas Station. I hated the little slut that worked there, but I was high enough to get the fuck over it.
I went in a got a pack of Newport menthols, packing them quickly and pulling out my first cigarette in months. It was starting to get cooler out and the breeze across the air felt so nice on my hot skin. I stood outside of my car smoking the cigarette, just basking for a second. I closed my eyes, enjoing the silence.
Then I remembered I had brought the rest of my Opana with me. I hopped in my car, reaching for the small bag I had put the powder in. I used my keys to scoop up two little piles, sucking them up.
Yes.
This was exactly what I needed today. I wanted to try and move on from this.
Donna was going to be safe, things were going to be worked out over Bobby. Things were going to start getting back to normal.
And then I heard it.
The emergency whistle.
I literally felt my heart fall from my chest into my fucking ass and then jump back up into my throat. I was shaking, uncontrolably. I fought to get my keys into the ignition, barely able to start my car. But once it was started I drove 90 the opposite way I had come, barely able to see from all the tears. It was a good thing I was alone too, because god damn it I was fucking screaming.
I knew what it was before I saw it, but still holding out hope it wasn't what I fucking knew it was.
And then I had proof.
I saw the freedom lights ahead of me, a huge circle of fuckery. State boys and the local Charming police, two ambulances, a fire truck. On the other side of the circle, about a dozen Harleys. I pulled my var over on the side with my four-ways on, making my way through the crowd of people.
"Ma'am," one of the statey tried to stpo me. "You can't go any further."
"THE FUCK I CAN'T!" I screamed at him, probably soaking him with spit of tears.
And to the rescue came Uncer, who demanded I was faimly and needed through to get to the other side. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me.
Suddenly everything slowed down, and everything got silent inside my head, just muffled out bass hits of what had potential to be sound.
I saw it.
The KIA, with the back and drivers side windows shot in, blood everywhere. I could see her head, or what was part of her head, a mangled fucking mess, chunks of it and brain and blood everywhere. I was physically sick.
I had to stop and vomit up what liquid was in my stomach from the day, screaming more. Uncer pulled me through the last crowd of people, getting me back to the club.
Immediately Jax came running over to me, trying to grab me up in his arms. I pushed him the fuck off of me.
"Don't you fucking touch me, you piece of shit!" I screamed at him.
And that was a mistake. I always liked to think I was stronger than Jax, but he always proved to me that wasn't the case.
He picked me up quick and tight and held me against him, walking us towards Gemmas escalade. I fought him the entire way, kicking and screaming. My eyes were so flooded and burned so much, it added to the pain I was feeling. I just saw my best friend dead, with her fucking head blown to pieces.
And it was because of something I was part of, something I couldn't help. God fucking damn it.
Jax got me to her car and sat me inside in the passanger seat, Gemma coming over and hoping in. He wanted me out of there, and he wanted me out of there now. Gemma backed the car up and started driving, while I was still having a mental breakdown. I reached into my pocket and grabbed out the little bag of powder I had left, my shaking hand trying to steady my keys.
Gemma looked over put chose not to judge me, not to open her mouth right then. She knew I was upset and didn't want to worsen the blow.
I was chain smoking cigarettes and taking in bigger hits of joints than I should have. I needed to feel numb, to feel nothingness.
And that didn't take long. The next almost 48 hours were a blurr. I secluded myself, staying tucked away. I wouldn't let Jax in the house; he was the last person I wanted to see right now. This feeling would go away eventually, because truly it wasn't his fault. It's how this life was, the life we both signed up for.
Some of us just don't make it out alive; and she didn't.
Opie was a fucking mess, and I was so worried about him. The kids? God. I couldn't even bare that thought. They would understand for a while, but it killed. I knew they would have no memories of their mother as they grew older, and that was bullshit. It wasn't fair.
My parents had kept the kids, because I was in no mental state to do it myself. I felt like a piece of shit, but this really was the most responsible decision at the time being. I told my mom I felt they should stay with them for a few nights until I got things figured out at home. And that got turned into them taking a trip to Nevada to visit my dads sister and my cousins who have kids Abels age. I was okay with it.
I looked at myself in the mirror. Eye sunked in and droopy; I was high, sick. I had been on a total opiate binge the past couple days, splurging on lots of Opanas. It felt so wrong but helped me on too many levels.
My outfit matched what my soul felt like; black and dull. Black shirt, black leggings, and some black and gold jewelery. I didn't want to do this, but I fucking had to. I put my sunglasses on, hiding my dark and saggy eyes. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door, letting a few tears roll again.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
And may you stay forever young,
May you stay forever young.
We stood at the freshly dug grave, wathcing the guys from the club carrying that wooden casket, flowers adorned across the top. Gemma squeezed my hang tight and I gave in, squeezing it back. I looked across at the four chairs, Opie trying to comfort his children. Raven and Toby both knew and understood that their mother was gone, and that was fucking awful.
May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
May you stay forever young.
And like a sign from Donna herself, after the casket was lowered and we prayed, the sky cracked open, a heavy rain falling down on everyone. People began running to their cars, but me? I stood in it; so clean, refreshing, it felt like it was washing this dirty off of me.
"I love you, Donna." I said to her grave, before walking back to my car in the pouring rain.
And that was the day I lost my best friend. Me and the kids just got back from taking flowers to her grave.
People always tell you time heals, but I have a life full of more pain than one person should be able to handle to tell you that's a fucking lie.
Time doesn't heal pain. Really? Nothing heals pain. Time just makes it more tolerable. I think you just get so used to the pain over time, it doesn't seem like it hurts as much anymore. But it still did, very much.
I would give my life 1000 times to save Donna.
I loved her.
And even though I tried, I couldn't save her.
And that's the sad truth about a lot of things in this life.
Ugh..
Until next time
Signing off
Logan Henderson-Teller