A/N: This chapter is long overdue. Sorry for the wait! Would love to know what you think. Suggestive themes in this chapter...
Different Path Chapter 9:
"Adelaide" Neil stood with her as she juggled Simon, who had just fallen asleep, "I'll get the cradle and we can lay him down here where it is warm"
"Why?" she whispered, patting the babe's back.
"We are making love tonight" he told her, his tone matter of fact.
She froze, startled by the way he made that announcement. He was so calm- almost nonchalant, like it was nothing for them to do this. "Ar...are we?"she stammered.
"It's been a while" he told her. "And I've given you the time you said you needed, but I really think you will never want to make love with me again if I don't force your hand. I told you reckoning time was comin and it's here, wife"
"It's not that simple" Adelaide protested.
"I never said it was simple, lass" he retorted, "but you had to know that my patience was going to run out"
"Are you impatient with me?"
"No, sweetheart" Neil smiled at her, cocking his head towards her, "more like for you"
"Neil, I'm just..." she took a breath, trying to steel her nerves, but she couldn't hide the panic and fear from her expression. It was fleeting, but Neil, ever observant, didn't miss it.
"I'm not going to hurt you, woman" Neil told her, "we are just making love"
"But, I'm not ready for this"
"We'll talk about it further when we go upstairs" he said, not allowing more room for her to argue. He ran upstairs and brought the cradle down, sitting it near the fire. "Put the babe in bed"
"Good night, baby boy" Adelaide kissed Simon's head and eased him into the cradle. Neil made sure he tucked the blankets around him securely so he wouldn't shift him in his sleep. He rubbed his cheek, tenderly. "Night son"
She adored those tender fathering moments between Neil and the baby. It melted her heart, but still she was so unsure of all of this.
"Now" Neil reached for her hand, holding it tightly in his, "come with me" He led her up the stairs to their bedroom. "You are shaking" he said as they entered their bedroom, "I'm not going to pounce on you, Adelaide" He squeezed her hand and rubbed it soothingly with his thumb. "We will talk and get you sorted"
"I'm not sure I'll ever get sorted" Adelaide responded, her throat dry.
"Now, that is a horrible attitude to have" Neil chided as he released her hand and walked over to their dresser and hunted for a nightgown for her. He tossed it to her. "Catch"
She caught her nightgown, gripping it with her hands.
"Will wearing that make you feel better?"
"Not exactly"
"Get dressed for bed" Neil told her.
She frowned, but began to unbutton her dress, her back turned to him. She knew he was right, but still, she didn't really want to. She pulled on her nightgown and then began to take the pins out of her hair.
"Wait" Neil's voice was tender. "I'll do that for you"
"Please don't be so kind to me right now" she said, softly.
"Is it really that much easier to make me the enemy, Adelaide?" his voice was low as he began to unpin her hair.
"You aren't the enemy" Adelaide said, "I've never thought that"
"Are you going to deny me tonight?" his voice was even.
"And if I do?"
"I don't know" Neil said, quietly. "You know I would never force you, but I need you to at least talk through this with me" He paused, "Are you going to deny me, lass?" he repeated.
Her heart pounded as her stomach twisted. Whatever her answer, there was no turning back. She thought for a few moments, watching Neil tenderly unpin her hair, placing the pins on the dresser. She thought of all those moments from these past few days... but also even before they were married. He was a good man and he was so good to her. Could she really deny him this? She had her answer.
"No" her voice was hoarse. "Of course, I won't. It makes me feel bad that you have been so understanding and wonderful and I've been..." she paused, struggling, "well, not so"
"Please don't ask me to be less of a man than I want to be right now to ease your guilty conscience" he countered, his tone even, as he took the last pin from her hair. Adelaide's hands reached out for the dresser, leaning on it for support, as she ducked her head.
Neil didn't make a comment at the move, only reached for her hairbrush, brushing it out. "You have tangles"
She winced and he eased his efforts, "I didn't brush it this morning"
"Why not?" he asked.
"Simon was screaming so I put it up quickly"
"He needs to learn patience" he murmured. "You..." he paused, amending his word, "we have to teach him that, otherwise he'll never learn that he has to wait on things"
"He comes by it honestly"
"That he does...from both of us, though I'm not sure if I count in the equation"
"I think you count- he will learn so much from you" Adelaide said.
"I hope more good than bad"
"I'm sure of that, Neil" she responded, "I couldn't have asked for a better man to raise Simon"
"I know the lad is only a wee thing, but I am awfully fond of him" Neil admitted. "I feel lucky, lass"
"Even now when you know our faults?"
"Aye" Neil told her, as he continued brushing through the tangles, trying to get the knots out. He was gentle, but persistent to get every tangle, every knot out. "I've never seen your hair this tangled"
She swallowed hard, "It seems like a metaphor for my heart these days"
"I think there is a lesson there, Mrs. MacNeill" he responded as he finished brushing out her hair.
"Perhaps so"
"Do you want me to braid it?"
"What would you prefer?" Adelaide raised her head.
"Down"
"Then we'll leave it down" She turned around, "Thank you, Neil"
He nodded.
"Now what?" she asked, her eyes on him.
"Now" Neil reached over and squeezed her hand, "You tell me what is going on with you and we work through the tangles in your heart"
"I don't know where to begin" Adelaide said, quietly as she went to sit on the bed, Neil still standing and leaning against the dresser.
"We made love a few times that first two days and then all the sudden, you push me away, saying you need more time. I didn't push you, but I want to know why now"
"What makes you think there is a specific reason?" she asked.
"You said that there was"
"Did I?" Adelaide asked, rubbing her sweaty palms on her thighs. "I don't remember that"
"Don't shut me down, Adelaide. You know exactly what I am referring to" he retorted, "It's high time for you to talk to me"
"I can't" she shook her head, swiftly.
"Yes, you can" he said, evenly, "We are in this marriage together for the rest of our lives. Tell me"
She bit her lip, contemplating his words.
At her hesitation, he added, "Trust me with this. I'll be sensitive to your feelings"
"I know that" her voice was hoarse. He was right once again. They were in this together and he had the right to know what was bothering her.
"Go on then. Don't be afraid"
"I..." she sighed, "What do you want to know?"
"Why don't you start with what was said at the ladies' sewing circle that bothered you?" Neil asked, quietly, "Fairlight said there was some talk of my marriage to Margaret"
Adelaide's lip trembled. "I'm not repeating what they said"
"I think you must" he retorted, evenly, "if whatever they said is causing you to stop wanting to be my wife"
"Just because I don't want us to make love, doesn't mean that I stopped being your wife" she said, an edge to her voice.
"I understand what you mean" Neil told her, "you are doing a fine job of the other things..."
She looked at him, wearily, "not truly"
He smiled at her, "You are getting there, sweetheart, but at the same time, if I wanted a housekeeper I could have hired one"
"This is more affordable"
He raised his eyebrow, "With a child involved?"
She winced, "Point taken"
"Truth is, I didn't marry you for your housekeeping skills...and there are other things besides that you do quite well"
"Which is?"
"Being my friend" Neil said, quietly. "I love coming home to you, Adelaide. But at the same time, when we exchanged vows, we committed to more. And sex is definitely part of marriage...a healthy part, but I agree it's not the only part. But I think you knew that already"
"Are you suggesting that I'm trying to pick a fight with you?" Adelaide titled her head.
"I think you know better than that" Neil responded, his eyes twinkling, "More like you are trying to distract me. Now, tell me what was said"
"I'm embarrassed about it"
"About what was said or your reaction to it?" he inquired.
"Both"
"Okay" Neil's voice was patient. His mouth quirked into a grin, "A little embarrassment might be a good thing at times, lass. Keeps you humble"
"I didn't realize I need a dose of humility" Adelaide said, a trace of a smile, "that's a little bit pot and kettle, don't you think?"
"Fair point" Neil laughed, "My pride far outweighs yours. Now, don't be embarrassed. We are both adults here. Just tell me what they said"
She twisted her hands, "They implied that...Margaret and you...that you were quite..." she fought for the right words that wouldn't make her feel totally improper, "satisfied with her...um... charms"
He inclined his head, "Is that it? You know how I felt about my wife, Adelaide. I have told you that"
"Of course..." she took a breath.
"I fail to see what is so horrible"
"I never said it was horrible" her face flushed.
"So..." he waited before continuing, "You have to give me more"
"They just said that for you and Margaret, things were quite passionate...that she...must have...been really..." she shook her head. "I can't figure out a proper way to say this"
"So be improper, Adelaide" he told her, firmly, "What are you getting at?"
"They implied that...well, you married Margaret because she was beautiful and attractive in a lot of ways appealing to a man" she groaned, "that your relationship was primarily because of how well you two got along in certain ways...that she kept you satisfied" she swallowed hard. "in bed and that level of passion is important to a man like you...necessary even to be content with a spouse..."
His eyebrow rose, "Oh God, Adelaide, don't be ridiculous"
"I'm just..." she held up her hands. "I don't know. I'm just repeating what I heard"
"And that makes it right?" He stared her down, "since when have you taken idle prattle like that to heart?"
"You aren't denying it"
"Of course I'm not" Neil said, exasperated, "I'm not dignifying it with a denial"
"Because it is partly true?" she asked.
"So, what if things were passionate between my wife and I?" Neil asked, crossing his arms. "Were things not that way between you and Simon?"
"Yes, they were, I guess" she frowned, "but I mean..."
"What?" he demanded, his voice sharp. "What exactly do you mean?"
"You said you would be patient" Adelaide reminded him as she twisted her hands together.
Neil let out his breath, "Oh, believe me, lass, this is patient" He paused, before asking bluntly, "Did Simon keep you satisfied in bed?"
Her eyes widened at his question. "Neil"
"So you can ask about me and Margaret but I can't ask about Simon and you?"
"This isn't about me and Simon" she said, defensively, "It's about you and me"
"No, apparently, it's about myself and Margaret" Neil said, shaking his head, "My point is that I don't want to discuss that anymore than I want to hear how it was between you and Simon. They have no bearing on you and I and what happens in this bedroom, do you understand?"
"But that's not entirely true" Adelaide responded, holding her ground, "Our experiences have shaped the way we feel about relationships and marriage..."
Neil shook his head from side to side, "that is true, lass, but..." he paused, "even if some comparisons are natural, it's unproductive to do so...and honestly, especially this, it's private"
"Okay, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry" she pulled her legs up and buried her head in her knees.
"Sweetheart" Neil let out a long breath. "What is it? Lift up your head and talk to me"
She lifted her head, her gaze troubled.
"What is it?" Neil repeated. "Why does what they said bother you so much?"
"She pleased you" Adelaide's lip trembled. "I'll never be her...I'm not that brazen and I...I must be such a disappointment to you. I want you happy and I feel like I'll never be that woman you need"
"Ah, I am beginning to see what is going on here" he told her, "Adelaide, listen to me, lass. Margaret may have pleased me sexually, but I was not happy in our relationship...contrary to what those women might think, that did not define my relationship with Margaret nor is that the most important about a relationship. Don't mistake me, I like sex...and I want it...often...but your body is not the reason why I am attracted to you"
She swallowed hard, "So, you...you don't like my body?"
"Blast it, Adelaide" Neil groaned, "That is not what I meant. Clearly, I am attracted to you physically, but I'm also attracted to your mind and your spirit. There is more than just sex to us"
"Are you happy in our relationship?"
"Not entirely" he admitted.
"See, I'll never be able to do this"
"No, don't use it as an excuse to push me away further" Neil told her, pointing his finger at her. "I think we can be happy. I want us to be happy- in our love making and in other things, but you have to relax enough to be open to what we can have together. Stop defeating us"
"I'm not trying to" Adelaide said, quietly. "Do you think I like how I'm feeling?"
"No of course not, but..." He paused and sighed. "Tell me about the corset"
Adelaide shrugged, "What about it?"
"You didn't..." he took a breath, "that had nothing to do with all of this, did it?"
She bit her lip and remained silent.
"Adelaide" he prompted.
"I want to feel beautiful again. I want you to see me the way that I'm sure you saw Margaret and the way you still look at Christy"
"I don't look at Christy any differently than I look at you"
"That's the point" Adelaide exclaimed, "you should look at me differently than her. I'm your wife"
"You are nitpicking there"
"I'm not" Adelaide held up her hands, "I just feel like...you shared a moment with her. You always share moments with her"
"A moment?" he snorted, "you are out of your mind, woman"
"No, I'm not"
"Yes, you are. I haven't shared those types of moments with Christy for months now!"
"When I came back downstairs when Christy came to visit" Adelaide said, "you were deep in conversation and when I handed Simon to you, you two looked at each other the way you used to"
"Adelaide" Neil groaned, "That's not true"
"Maybe you don't even realize you are doing it" she whispered, "but it was there"
"I wouldn't betray you" his voice was low.
"I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong" Adelaide defended, tears threatening to fall. "It's natural given the circumstances, but I don't have to like it"
"Why are you acting so damn insecure, Adelaide?" Neil demanded, "You have never seemed that way before"
She paused, before blurting out, angrily, "I'm not being insecure. Any woman would feel the way I do"
"I highly doubt that" Neil said, "unless you are saying women in general are insecure and irrational"
Adelaide's temper heightened significantly.
"Do you want to know why I'm so insecure?" Adelaide glared at him, "I'll tell you"
"I'm listening"
"Maybe it's because I could be your dead wife's twin...only tons of baby pounds heavier. I'm like her replacement for you but a shoddy one at that. How do you think that makes me feel?"
His eyebrows shot up at her sudden temper and the incendiary nature of her statement, and she continued, "or maybe that you were in love with my sister only five months ago and I think you still might be...maybe you don't realize this, but I look awfully similar to my sister, except again...just a bit heavier...maybe not quite the replacement you were hoping for..."
"Adelaide, that's enough" he admonished.
"Oh, no, I'm not done" she held up her hand, "you said you wanted me to talk you so now you have to listen...Or just maybe, it's because I married you when neither of us are in love with each other. The Cove forced this on you. I wasn't your choice" She swiped at her tears, "I don't know, do you want a list, Neil? I can write it down for you. I'm sure I can come up with more"
He stared at her. "Come here" his tone compelled her to rise and move in front of him.
He reached to grasp her face in his hand, turning it towards him. "I did make a choice, lass. I chose you." he kissed her, passionately, unguarded, making her weak in the knees. All reason left her in that kiss even though she knew her objections were valid.
"Neil" she was breathless. "Please" she was mush in his arms.
"You enjoy this, don't you?"
"Stop this" she tried to fight against it, but he continued to kiss her. "You know I'm right"
"Let go of it, Adelaide" Neil said against her mouth, "All of it"
She ripped herself away and this time, he let her, "It's not that easy"
"Do you know what I think? All of those are excuses, hiding your real problem" Neil told her, his hands on her waist, steadying her.
"Which would be?"
"I think you are scared"
"Of what?"
"Of finding pleasure with your husband"
"Um, no" Adelaide shook her head, "That's not it, but looking at it like that is awfully convenient for you"
"And all those other things are awfully convenient for you to distract from what is really bothering you"
"It's not that I'm scared of this"
"I think it is. You are so reserved" he said, "each time we make love, you hold back. You aren't that timid, woman."
"What if I am?" She demanded, "Do you even know me?"
"I do know you!" Neil's voice rose. "And what I don't know, I want to learn so help me here"
"I don't know what you want. Maybe I am a timid person"
"Like hell you are, Adelaide" Neil said, "You went against your parents to become a nurse. You snuck into that lecture of Simon's. You worked after you married him. You stayed here. You stood up to me many times and you stood up to Doctor Ferrand. You aren't shy or timid at all, but when it comes to this...you can't let go. You let go an inch and then you freeze up. You told me that you are feeling things when we make love, so why are you not showing it? Why are you stifling those feelings?"
"I was taught that it was bad to show those feelings, okay?" Adelaide retorted, "That this whole process was bad and secretive and unpleasant. It is for your husband and you must endure it"
"You know it isn't" Neil said, "You learned that with Simon"
"Yes" she said, "but Simon was different than you. He felt safe"
"Safe?"
"Comfortable" she said, "he never pushed me to be different. You push me. Why?"
"I want you to feel and experience this the way it's supposed to be felt and experienced"
"The way you experienced this with Margaret?" she asked, challenging him.
"No, the way I want to experience it with you" he told her. "I don't think of Margaret when we are in bed together and I certainly don't compare our love making to how I made love with her. Margaret is the furthest person from my mind these days, but you insist on bringing her into our marriage. I don't see you as anyone's replacement. I see you as you, no one else"
"So it's a coincidence?"
"Yes" Neil said, "it actually is. You have to stop with this. Adelaide, when I say I desire you and that I am attracted to you, I'm not lying. You may feel a certain way, but that's not how I see you. I'm not the problem here"
"That's what I'm saying. I know I'm the problem" Adelaide huffed. "Aren't you listening?"
"All of that is nonsense, Adelaide" Neil retorted, "What's holding you back?"
"Nothing is holding me back"
"Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. You act like it is a chore"
"That's unfair" She glared at him.
"It is true" Neil said.
"Why do you have to be like this?" Adelaide groaned. "Must you always be an insufferable know it all?"
"There you are" He pointed his finger at her. "You know I'm right"
"I'm so angry at you right now" Adelaide said.
"Good, the truth hurts at time, lass" Neil captured her mouth, "be angry, Adelaide. Feel something when we do this"
"Stop that" Adelaide pulled away again. "I feel a lot, Neil. Trust me, I do"
"Then, what is your problem?" he asked, quietly, "You are holding us back from it being enjoyable."
She bit her lip and her eyes teared over.
"Let me make love to you, Adelaide" he told her, his voice become extremely loving and tender, "I want to so badly"
"You can't make love to me, Neil" she blurted out.
"Why is that?"
"Because you don't love me, that's why" she said, heatedly. "Let's not fool ourselves. Call it for what it is. All this is sex and what you must think to be quite bad sex at that. Why do you even want this?"
"Adelaide, lass" He froze.
Mortified at her outburst and her absolute lack of decorum, she turned away, the tears spilling over. He reached out, gripped her arm and turned her back towards him. He tipped her face up. "Can we just leave this be, please? I'm begging you, Neil, forget I said that"
"Ah, lass, I wish I could" Neil said, shaking his head, "We need to get this out. It's too important to gloss over"
"Why?" her voice broke.
"You know why" he told her, quietly. "Do our lack of feelings bothers you?"
Her temper deflated, "It's different for a woman" she was defeated. "This is just sex for you, plain and simple" She paused, "I don't feel desirable, but if we had love between us, that wouldn't matter, it would be enough for us just to be together. But since we don't have feelings, it makes things like physical attraction and desire so much more important- and I know when compared to the other women you actually loved, right now...I can't compare...in love and certainly not in attraction...or skill...or..." she sniffled, "oh, my mother would be horrified"
"She's not here" Neil countered, "And if this is you being the real you with me, that's what I want. But what you just said about not comparing, it's simply not the case"
"How can you say that?"she asked. "Rationally, you must know it is true"
"Oh, lass" Neil chuckled softly, searching her face. "Reason has no place in matters of the heart"
"But this isn't about matters of the heart" her voice was small. "It has never been about that"
"Oh, Adelaide, lass" Neil's expression was pained, "I'm so sorry"
"No, Neil, I'm sorry because I know that my inhibitions are holding us back and you have been so patient and kind and I'm a mess and I know that, but..." her lip trembled. "It bothers me that it is not more than just sex- that there is no intimacy between us...and then" she took a breath, "it bothers me that I want intimacy between us. I know many women marry for practical reasons- have arranged marriages...I should just be mature about this, but I want it to feel like there is something more than just physical"
"Of course you do" Neil said, his voice tender, soothing her vulnerability. "It's not that we had an arranged marriage and you didn't know me before. And this is very much about matters of the heart"
"You want me to enjoy this between us" Adelaide's voice cracked as she began to cry, "but it feels so wrong, especially considering..."
"Considering what?"
"Well, your feelings..."
"My feelings?" Neil asked.
"Yes, for my sister"
He sighed heavily. "I have really botched this up, haven't I?"
"What do you mean?"
"Adelaide, this is not just sex for me" Neil told her, quietly. "It has never been that way for me"
"I don't understand"
He studied her intently, "Come here" he pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead and each of her cheeks. "Adelaide..." he struggled. "Sweetheart"
She pulled away, "What is it?" She rarely saw Neil's emotions and it shocked her.
"It's not just sex for me because it's...well, lass, it is with the woman I love"
She titled her head, not comprehending, "I don't think I understand you"
"It's special to me because it's with you" Neil told her, thumbing away her tears. "Because I love you, Adelaide"
"You love me?" her lip trembled. "me?"
"Don't act so shocked, lass" Neil responded, continuing to wipe the tears that were now rapidly falling, "You are so easy to love"
"It's just..." Adelaide looked at him through her tears, "you never once said that you felt more"
"Aye, I didn't want to say anything because I know you aren't ready to hear this so soon after losing Simon and I was afraid it would spook you even more, but you are working under false assumptions so perhaps it is time for us to get a few things straight" He smoothed her hair away to prevent it from becoming plastered to her face, "When I say that I think that we will get there and be happy in our making love and in our marriage, I mean it, Adelaide. And when I say that you have never been any one's replacement, I mean that too. I fell in love with my best friend...and there is only one woman I have ever considered my best friend"
"Me?" Adelaide sobbed.
"Yes, you, silly one" Neil said, wiping her tears. "Margaret was too selfish to be a good friend and Christy didn't understand me the way you do. I love you, woman and because of that, it's not about sex, it is about love making"
"But it is so awkward between us" she sniffled. "I'm going to disappoint you again"
"That's not true, Adelaide" he answered, patiently, "I don't hold any expectations, except asking you to try. Be open. Don't hold back from me. I want to make love to you the way a husband makes love to his wife- the woman who he desires over all else"
She looked at him for another minute, taking in his words and her defenses crumbled under the knowledge that he cared for her. Not her sister, but her.
"I thought..." her lip trembled, "Oh, God...I was so entirely foolish"
"What is it?" her searched her face.
"I thought you still loved Christy" her voice was hoarse, "I was so sure of it. And I hated the thought that she still had your heart"
"Did you?" he looked at her, evenly. "Why did that bother you so?"
"I don't know" she whispered.
He studied her for another moment and wisely knew not to push her. He shook his head swiftly, "No, lass. I haven't loved your sister for some time. You are capturing my heart in ways that Christy never touched...actually in a way that no other woman has touched before"
"Not even..."
"No, lass, not even Margaret"
He knew how to speak to her heart, but in a lot of ways, he always did know how. She marveled at his words for a moment, soaking in the weight of them, before melting and launching herself forward to kiss him, with all the emotion she couldn't speak right now. He loved her. She was special to him. This was special to him.
He backed her up into the dresser, pinning her against it.
"I want to make you happy with this- with everything. It pains me to know that I haven't been making you happy" she admitted, her breathing labored. "I care so much about what you think on everything and I don't understand why, all I know is I want you happy with me"
"You will make me happy with this, Adelaide, just let go of what's holding you back. You don't have to be perfect at this. I promise I'm not grading you"
"I may be a wee bit of a perfectionist"
"That may be a wee bit of an understatement" Neil looked into her eyes, "Just be open to what we can have together."
She reached to finger his curl, "I know I was married before, but Simon never did push me more than what I gave him. I feel you want more..." she paused.
"Fire?" Neil smiled at her.
She nodded, "Less inhibitions"
"Most definitely" he said, "and you know with this and other things, I want to grow with you. All I can tell you is that we'll learn together how to find our passion..." he looked at her, tenderly, "and how to help you let go of all those years of inhibition."
"I don't know how I feel about you though" she responded, "my feelings are so jumbled right now. You make me feel things and I don't know how to deal with all of this"
"That's okay" he breathed against her, "Just let me love you. Don't shut yourself off anymore. That's enough for me right now" He grabbed her by her waist and plopped her up onto the dresser.
"Are you sure?" she murmured.
"I'm positive, my love"
"Do you think it is okay to enjoy it when I'm unsure?"
"I know for certain it is" he began to plant tender kisses over her body and she moaned.
"Neil, but what if this is..." she started to say, but he interrupted her,
"Quiet, stop analyzing everything. There is time for that later. I'm making love to my wife now and damn it, Adelaide, we are both going to enjoy it" he told her, adamantly. "We aren't stopping until you have given into me. I don't care how long it takes" He picked her up in his arms and carried her to their bed, determined to work this out between them. He laid her on their bed before shrugging off his clothes and then joining her.
They laid together, kissing, caressing, loving...Neil was exploring her body making her feel more alive than she had in ages and she was responding with a fire that she didn't know she had.
"Wait"
Desperate to regain control, Adelaide pulled away, looking into his eyes, her breath labored as their passion was taking over, causing her senses to explode with desire. She could feel her losing herself to him, fully, completely, and with an intensity that frightened her.
He stilled immediately, "What is it, love?"
"I'm not sure" she breathed again, "This is so intense between us...I'm not sure...it's too much" she said as she clung to him and he held her, securely in his arms.
"It's alright" he kissed her gently. "We'll slow down. We don't have to rush this at all"
"I...I don't know if I can do this with you" she said, her lip trembling, "it feels so different than before. I feel out of control"
"Good" Neil squeezed her tightly, "that's what we want"
"I'm not sure I want that" she said, honestly.
"You do- deep down, I know you do" Neil insisted. "Don't be scared of our passion, Adelaide. This thing we have between us- it's special"
"You have such control over me though" she said, looking into his eyes.
"I'll let you in on a secret" he whispered in her ear, "you have far more control in this situation than I do. I look at you...and touch you...and I lose myself in you"
"Truly?"
"Completely" Neil said. "And I love every minute of it. Don't hold back from me, love. Just let go. I'm right here with you" He kissed her again and she melted against him.
A while later, he held her tightly in his arms.
"Neil" She breathed into him.
"Are you okay?" he asked gently, pulling her tightly against his side. He felt so fiercely protective of her...so tender towards her in the aftermath of their lovemaking. He knew how much it took for her to be that free with him and he wanted to reassure her.
"I think so" she trembled. "You are persistent"
He chuckled, "I told you I was"
"You don't exaggerate" she responded, "Hold me?"
"I'm not going anywhere" he told her, stroking a hand through her damp hair. "That was wonderful. Thank you, Adelaide" he said, her shivering against him, trying to get a hold of her emotions.
"You're welcome" she murmured.
"Your hair is all tangled again" he told her, absently.
"I need a bath"
"We can get you a bath tonight if you'd like" he said, "it's still early yet"
"But Ruby Mae says only to bathe once a year"
Neil snorted, "Like ye would ever do that"
"No" she said, "Bath later for sure"
"Use that lavender soap I love"
"You like lavender soap?" Adelaide teased.
"Well, for you, not for me" Neil clarified, swatting her hip playfully. "Actually, I'll give you a bath tonight"
"Will you now?" Adelaide sighed, "That sounds naughty"
He laughed, "I may have a little bit of naughty intentions by offering to" he admitted.
She grinned. "You are insatiable, husband. Granny was right"
Neil snorted, "Granny was being ridiculous"
"Hum" she snuggled even closer into him and they fell silent. But as she laid there with him in the quiet, feeling his steady heart beat against her ear, she allowed her thoughts...and her doubts to take over once again.
Her mind began to race, trying to sort out her feelings in the aftermath of their passion. She was attracted to him, that was for sure and she cared for him so much, but to allow herself to become so passionate with a man, even if that man was now her husband, so soon after Simon's death...Loving Simon was comfortable, it was easy, it was safe. This...it didn't feel safe. It felt like her heart could burst at times from the intensity of it all. And knowing that...was she betraying Simon to feel that way with another man? It took them ages to get to the point Neil and her were now and that fact made her feel like a horrid person- like she was giving Neil more than what she gave Simon initially. The guilt was building, crushing her as she clung to Neil, her head against his chest.
They laid in silence for a few minutes, Neil becoming worried about how pensive she had become as they laid together. He could tell she was struggling, but before he could speak, Adelaide pulled away and told him, "I need some water. I'll be back in a few minutes" She reached for her nightgown and then her dressing gown.
"I'll get it for you" he said. "You rest here"
"That's sweet, Neil, but I'm dressed already" she said as she tied the sash to her gown.
"You know you don't have to get dressed to go downstairs" he told her.
"So you say" she responded and forced a smile.
Neil wasn't overly surprised when he heard the door click shut and his wife's muffled sobs from their porch.
Adelaide sat on the porch in the cold, her head in her hands and sobbed. Neil gave her a few minutes before finding her and sitting next to her, a glass of water in his hands.
"You forgot about this" he said, dangling the glass in front of her.
"I did, didn't I?" She took it.
"Drink it"
"Why?" she stared at the glass.
"All that crying must make you thirsty"
"Hum" She drank it and sat it next to her, shivering in her dressing gown. "You weren't supposed to hear me"
"The walls are thin" Neil said, "you might as well just stayed in our room and cried- then you wouldn't be so cold"
"That's awfully practical" she said.
"Aye" he reached to rub her back. "Why are you crying?" he asked, softly.
She shrugged, not wanting to admit the truth.
"Surely you must know" he said. "What is it?"
She remained silent and he turned her tear-stained face towards him.
"You enjoyed it with me tonight" his voice was low.
She blushed. "Yes, enormously, Neil. It was beyond wonderful"
He brushed her hair that was plastered to her face from her tears. "It's a good thing, lass, that you found that pleasure with me. It's how it is supposed to be between us" he said. "Making love isn't just for my benefit, it's for yours as well. I loved giving that pleasure to you." He paused at her wince, "Adelaide, do you not want to enjoy it?" he asked, directly, picking up immediately on her stress.
She bit her lip, "No"
"Is that why you have been holding back?"
"Let's go back inside, it's cold" she stood, but he grabbed her arm.
"No, you can't just walk away when things become difficult for you. I want an answer" he pulled her back down beside him.
"I suppose so"
"Why wouldn't you want to enjoy sex?" he looked at her, incredulously.
She looked at him, "I feel like I betrayed Simon tonight" her voice was distraught.
"Oh God, Adelaide" Neil stilled, not expecting that. "Do you really?" he fought to keep his tone neutral.
"Yes, and now I feel like I'm betraying you to feel that way" she bit her lip. "You asked and I answered. May I go now?"
"No" Neil shook his head, "Let's talk about it"
"This is making me feel horrid" she sniffled, beginning to cry harder again. "I don't want to talk about these feelings. You don't like talking about feelings, why must I?"
"Because you internalize and stress about your feelings and that isn't healthy" Neil retorted, "I want us to have a strong marriage, Adelaide and I want you to feel secure and happy In our marriage and in our future together. I'm your husband, I'm supposed to provide that for you. Don't you want a strong marriage?"
"I do want that" she whispered, "more than anything. Being passionate with you- like that, letting you stir me like that...I felt completely lost to you...so vulnerable with you"
"I know you did, but I don't understand why you think that is so bad" Neil said, "that's actually healthy for our marriage"
"I know" she said, softly, "And that's when I don't know who to be loyal to. It's so soon after Simon's death. I don't want to move on so quickly that it was like our relationship wasn't special because it was. I don't want to betray him. He was so good to me...but I'm so afraid that" she let out her breath, "I don't think I was a very good wife to him"
"In what way?" his voice was even.
"In a lot of ways" Adelaide's voice was soft as she sniffled.
"In this way specifically?"
She nodded.
"Sweetheart" he murmured as he moved closer to her and she dropped her head on his shoulder.
"You were right- I have always been inhibited and we had something beautiful, but it could have been more. It should have been more"
"No, don't do that to yourself" Neil held her against him, "He was happy with you, lass. I never saw a man so in love with a woman...and rightfully so...Did he seem unhappy with your love making?"
"We shouldn't discuss Simon and I" Adelaide shook against him, "you said so"
"If you are this upset, we should" Neil assured her, holding her tightly, "no particulars though. Did he seem unhappy in that area of your marriage?"
"No, he seemed happy with it" Adelaide said, "but..."
"No buts then, Adelaide" Neil cut her off.
"It's not just the love making, Neil" Adelaide cried, "He wanted a child and I held us off for months after my miscarriage. He could have had the chance to know his son or daughter if it wasn't for me. All of my inhibitions...all of my fears, it held us back. I cheated him, Neil"
"No, sweetheart" he rocked her, "you can't go back and change that- he wouldn't want you to flog yourself over it"
"And the fact I could love you...I can't, Neil" Adelaide panicked, "I can't ever do this again with you. We should have never married. I...I am not good at being married...and Simon deserved better than me moving on so quickly."
"Stop" Neil reached to grab his face in his hands, "I will not have you torture yourself like this" he told her, firmly, "You can be loyal to both of us. It's not a betrayal to Simon what just happened between us. You can't stifle the passion that is very much a part of who you are"
"But you don't understand. I'm not a passionate person, Neil" Adelaide said, tears falling quickly.
"Yes, you are" he countered, "you just showed it. And you are passionate about medicine, why not about this as well?"
"It took me ages to be this free with Simon. You and I are so intense together...it does feel like I'm betraying him to feel so much with you so quickly"
"Adelaide" He stroked her hair.
"You must think I am completely ridiculous"
"No, not at all" he told her, "but maybe a bit misguided"
"How's that?" She asked.
"For one, you and Simon had your marriage under the confines of society's expectations" he told her, quietly. "you were taught not to let yourself go like that"
"True" she said slowly, "but, Simon and I were never much for society. I hate that I realize now that I was holding back from him some. I was still unsure of myself, not quite as open as I might have should be...part of me was still embarrassed by all of this"
"Do feel embarrassed with me?"
She snuggled closer into him. "When we first made love those few times, extremely, especially when you insisted on us doing so in broad daylight"
"I could tell that bothered you" he said, quietly, "and again, that's a result of the confines you lived under. It's a product of your upbringing, nothing else. Did you feel embarrassed just now?"
"No" Adelaide said, "you allowed me to be myself, gave me confidence and...it wasn't that Simon didn't...oh, Neil, God, I don't know" She pulled away from him and buried her head in her hands.
"Okay, let's think of it a different way. You came to Simon completely naïve...you were learning to be a woman with Simon, Adelaide. With me, you are already a woman. It's not a betrayal to him. It's just a document of how much you have grown into yourself. You aren't that young woman anymore, Adelaide, learning about how to love. Simon gave that to you, I'm just reaping the benefits"
"He gave so much to me" Adelaide said, lifting her head to look at him, "but you do too. More than I could have imagined and infinitely more than I deserve...My feelings are so confused right now"
He was quiet for a few minutes before speaking, his voice low.
"Adelaide, you have to live your life. Don't let your grief rob you of the joys that life has to offer"
She trembled, "I'm scared when I think that I could fall in love with you. I don't know if I want to fall in love with you"
"I know" He kissed her head. "Why would you want to when opening up to Simon ended in his death?"
"Exactly"
"But here's the thing. I'm going to married to you for the rest of our lives. We can either embrace this or have a very lonely marriage"
"You must regret marrying me"
"No" Neil told her, "I love you so it breaks my heart to see you struggle so"
"I just can't wrap my head around all of this"
"So, stop thinking about it. Just let it happen. We have the rest of our lives for you to get your feelings sorted"
"I just feel so much guilt" she told him, honestly, "You love me. I'm not sure. Simon died less than a year ago and I'm already married and finding pleasure with another man. I just want to run, Neil. I want to run far away"
"I know" his hand rubbed her back, gently, "Please don't run"
She sniffled, "I won't"
He paused and then titled her chin towards him, "And don't go back to holding back from me. That's not going to make you happy"
"It was so much easier when it was uncomfortable between us"
Neil laughed under his breath, "Now, that is a bad thought, Adelaide, love"
"Yes" she sighed heavily, "I know"
He kissed her cheek. "I had a thought just now. Did Simon ever explain to you physically how this works?"
"Um" Adelaide looked at him, quizzically, "like...medically?"
"Aye, what we know as doctors and the body" Neil clarified.
"I know how this works" Adelaide laughed through her tears, "I was married"
"But do you actually?" Neil said, his voice kind.
"Well" Adelaide shifted, "I wouldn't call myself an expert. I understand the basics"
"That's what I thought" Neil smiled at her, "Did you ever wonder about some things?"
"Yes of course" Adelaide responded.
"You have a curious mind" Neil chuckled, "but your upbringing got in the way of asking, didn't it?"
"Well, I did ask some" Adelaide blushed, "but we just focused on me trying to experience it without feeling ashamed and then after that, it was fine, so I didn't think I should ask and bring up things that I might get embarrassed about"
Neil's eyes danced, "That's what I suspected. The truth is if I touch you a certain way, your body will respond in certain ways and vice versa...it's nature and completely normal"
"That sounds so clinical" Adelaide said, "not romantic at all"
"Our feelings enhance it, but perhaps knowing this can take some of the guilt away" Neil reached for her and put her on his lap, "Do you want me to give you a medical lesson?"
"Are you teasing me?"
He shook his head, solemnly, "No, lass, not at the moment"
"Will it make me blush?"
He tweaked her nose, "Undoubtedly, love"
"I feel ridiculous that I have a baby and need this" she said, softly.
"Again, a product of your upbringing, which by the way, we will raise our daughters differently"
"Our daughters?" Adelaide smiled.
"Wee ones that look exactly like their mama" Neil said, with a grin, "complete with her feisty personality"
"Feisty?" Adelaide poked him, "you are one to talk"
"True" he looked at her, solemnly, "We are doomed, lass"
She giggled, "Probably so"
"So..." he paused and looked at her.
She nodded.
"So tell me about this text book Simon lent you way back when" Neil began.
She blushed hard, "I didn't quite get through the first paragraph"
"No?" his eyes twinkled.
"It was terrifying"
"Poor man" Neil sighed.
"Poor Simon?" Adelaide poked him again, "What about me?"
"Well, as a nurse, I would think you would have a little more maturity than that. You are eager to watch me cut people open"
"Well, not that part of people" Adelaide squeaked, "And I worked with women, not men...and considering I'm Julia's daughter, you should know better"
"Okay, fair point" He chuckled, "Ask questions, lass"
"Yes, Doctor MacNeill" she said.
"Are you too cold?"
She nodded.
"Let's go inside. We'll talk in the lab" he winked at her, "Must be professional about this"
Adelaide rolled her eyes as she took his hand.
They spent the next half an hour going through one of Neil's old textbooks, him filling in the gaps for her, giving her the most frank birds and the bees lesson ever. Typical Neil didn't hold back even throwing in some more shocking revelations. And when Adelaide's jaw dropped, he laughed and gently tapped her chin up.
"I think that is enough for tonight"
"I'm glad Simon didn't tell me all of that" Adelaide said, "I would have gone and slept in the other room"
Neil threw back his head and laughed, "Ye are a much more mature lass these days and I'm sure eventually you would have discovered some of this with him"
"Do you think?"
"I do" He nodded. "Don't worry there. Focus on the present and the future, Adelaide, not the past"
"You're right" She bit her lip, "Neil?"
He closed the book and placed it on the table, "Hum?"
"I'm sorry about earlier. I know you thought I was ridiculous to let what they said about you and Margaret bother me"
"No" Neil said, amused, "Never"
She poked at him, "be sweet"
He pulled her closer, his arm around her waist. "I don't want you to compare yourself to Margaret. I understood where you were coming from though. You are a perfectionist through and through, Adelaide, but you just have to be yourself, truly...that's all I want. I was frustrated because you weren't being yourself with me and you were holding back from me"
She nodded. "But was she really as beautiful as everyone said she was?"
"Aye" he rubbed her shoulder with his fingers, "She captivated me. I had to have her. She had such a creative mind and wild spirit"
"Her pictures were beautiful" Adelaide said.
"Aye, they were" He pulled her away from her, "Adelaide, the women were right about the passionate nature of our relationship"
"I knew they were from what you've told me" she said, quietly.
"But the passion between Margaret and I was toxic to my soul" he said, "the passion between you and I is healing me. Please don't forget that"
"Do you truly believe that?" Adelaide asked.
"I do, Adelaide" Neil said, "I wouldn't change you for anything in this world. You are beautiful to me-inside and out"
She thought about his words, "So you don't wish you could have married my sister over me?"
"What?" Neil was stunned, "Did you think that?"
"I don't know" She whispered, "besides Simon, everyone always loved her more, Neil. And you were completely in love with her and devastated when she chose David. And they practically forced us to marry...I just..." her voice trailed off.
"You are completely different than your sister, lass. I appreciate you for who you are- not that you are related to your sister"
"I'm just a poor substitute for her"
"Is that what you have been thinking for the past week?" he asked, incredulously.
"At times"
"Adelaide" Neil thought for a moment, before continuing, "it's simply not true, lass. What we are doing here, it has the potential to be quite special. Don't let your insecurities ruin what we could have"
"I feel so huge after the baby" she whispered, "That's a big part of everything"
"I gathered that from our conversation earlier" he told her.
"Christy looks how I used to look and Margaret, you clearly were so taken with her. I can't compare right now"
"Oh, Adelaide" Neil snuggled her against him, "The weight will come off and you are so attractive to me. It bothers you infinitely more than it bothers me"
"I know you think it vain" Adelaide sighed, "I think it vain and I've been flogging myself over it, but..."
He kissed her head, "It's still the way you feel"
"I just think if we had married 6 months from now when we were both in love, I think it would have been completely different. I think it would have been blissful and all this going on in my head would have been nonexistent"
He nodded, "I agree, but that doesn't mean that we can't get there and that this journey that we are taking is bad. My marriage with Margaret was unhappy, lass. I want to be happy with you. Please don't push me away. If you are feeling certain things, get them out and I'll try to do the same"
She reached for his hand, squeezing it, "One thing I do know, Neil MacNeill" she rubbed their hands against his leg, "you have become my best friend in this world. Let's never lose that"
"Never" Neil smiled and stood with her. "That is a fine way to start a marriage, lass"
"I agree, actually"
They passed Simon still sleeping contently in his cradle. Neil scooped her up in his arms, "I'm ready for some more love making with my wife. Needless to say, our talk has put me in the mood"
"Why Doctor MacNeill" Her voice was teasing, "I thought you said we had to be professional about it"
"I'm a man and you are my very desirable wife sitting next to me talking about sex. We are done being professional"
She chuckled, contended as she looked back towards her sleeping son, "Simon might just have to cry himself back to sleep tonight"
"That's the spirit" Neil laughed deeply before running up the stairs with her.